Author's Note: Some of my typical angst. I love angst.
Disclaimer: Does not belong to me. I just write angsty stories.
Dear Jason,
There was a time where I thought I would follow you anywhere.
No, I didn't think I would follow you anywhere. I would follow you anywhere. I'd follow you to the ends of the earth, to the moon, to the deepest depths of the ocean. I would make sure to do anything just to remain by your side forever. You know, you were the only one I had ever loved like that. And you know, you are the only one I ever will love like that. Nothing can change that.
But that doesn't mean I'll follow you there. Wherever 'there' is. You hurt too many people, and I can't do that to my friends and family. At least, that's what I tell myself. Quite frankly, I'm much too scared to do it.
Life isn't the same without you. It's empty; I'm empty. It's like my heart has stopped. And as much as I love my mom, and Nadia and Matt and Ivy and Lucas and everyone else, they're not you. They're not the person I love most in the world. None of them are the person I would follow anywhere.
I'm hoping that writing this letter will help me get it out of my system. Maybe I won't feel this way afterwards. Not the love that I still feel for you, but all these suicidal thoughts that plague me. I don't want to be dead. I don't know if that makes me strong, because I certainly don't feel strong…but sometimes I feel like if I was back with you, no matter where that was, it would be better. My soul would be whole again.
I don't understand why you had to do this to me. To any of us, but to me. Is it because I didn't want to run away with you? Is it because you thought I didn't love you anymore? I don't like running away and hiding, I did it for much too long. You should have known this. You should have found some other way to fix it.
You shouldn't have taken the easy way out.
Because now we're all damaged.
Ivy thinks it's all her fault. She's got a goddamned baby on the way, for heaven's sake! Your baby! Do you know how hard it'll be to face that baby, to see a piece of you? How do you think she'll explain to her child why he doesn't look like his "father"?
Matt thinks it's all his fault. He came to me, hysterical, apologizing over and over again. He didn't want to hurt us when he outted us, not consciously anyway. Now he feels so guilty for driving you to what you did. That's what he said to me. It wasn't his fault.
Lucas thinks it's all his fault. He gave you the drugs, but he didn't know. None of us knew.
I think it's all my fault.
I want to be with you again, I want you to hold me in your arms, and kiss me, and make love to me, and cuddle with me in our too-small beds. Everything is just so cold now. Sometimes I wake up from my dreams in a cold sweat, although half the time I can't remember what the hell was happening in them. Sometimes I do, though. They change; sometimes we're there and happy, and sometimes all I see is you falling into my arms, over and over again.
Why me? Why did you have to choose me? Why couldn't you have been straight? If I had known this would be the end result, I would have kept my feelings to myself. I would rather have pined for you forever rather than visit your grave every day. Why couldn't you have just been normal?
Why can't I just be normal?
I'm broken now, and it's all your fault. I'm in pieces, my heart is in pieces. What's left of it, anyway. And let me tell you, there's not much left of it. Because most of it was yours. And it went away with you.
I don't want to be dead. And I don't want you to be dead. At least I can help one of those things. I don't have to follow you, as much as sometimes I wish I could.
And in the meantime, I'll pray. I'll pray to get my heart back. I'll pray that someday I'll move on and love another. I'll pray that I regain strength. I'll pray. And I'll pray, and I'll pray.
But my prayers have never been answered before.
I love you, Jason.
Love,
Peter