A/N: Starts after The Mountain. I don't know if this should be a one-shot or a multi-chapter fic.
Let me know how you feel? R&R Please!
TRIGGER WARNING: Dark thoughts, slight self harm.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Everyone always said Lexa was emotionless. That she was ruthless and heartless. And Clarke had always agreed with them. Lexa had been ready to decimate the 100 and anyone who stood in her way along with them. Lexa had let the mountain men bomb TonDC. Lexa had betrayed her at The Mountain. Left her and her people for dead at the hands of monsters. Clarke had then thought Lexa was a monster as well. She still thought Lexa was a monster. Incapable of feeling anything. The Lexa who had done all of these horrible things started invading her nightmares and now she couldn't even look Lexa in the eyes.
She had been finding herself having nightmares and restless nights a lot more often so she resorted to nightly walks with Indra as her personal bodyguard. She was pretty sure she could handle herself, and plus Indra hated her but the Commander had ordered it and Indra would never defy an order. She didn't understand why Lexa wanted her protected now, she hadn't wanted it then on the mountain.
On her nightly walks she would bring a sketchbook and pencil and draw whatever seemed to calm her at the present time. Sometimes it was her best friend, Octavia, and her smile as she looked at Lincoln. Or sometimes it was just to get her demons out and she drew every person she could remember that she killed. But lately she drew Lexa. She drew Lexa's green eyes soft and open but full of fear like when they had kissed, or she drew LExa like she looked on the mountain; stone cold surrounded by blood and black warpaint with her "Commander face" up.
She usually perched herself in a tree overlooking a clearing not far from camp with Indra in the tree next to her. She was in a current sketch of drawing Lexa's eyes in more detail, showing her fear, honesty and most importantly love. But Clarke remembered she didn't have that anymore, Lexa had betrayed her after all.
Her head snapped up as she saw a figure moving towards them from camp and was about to say something to Indra when she noticed it was Lexa. She glanced at Indra who had a hard expression on her face. Why was Lexa out this time of night? Surely, the ruthless Commander didn't have trouble sleeping? She froze in shock as Lexa seemed to be undressing? No...she was just taking her armor off. She had thrown it around the clearing with a blank expression seeming to be in deep thought. Clarke bit her lip and tilted her head and was careful not to make movement or noise she watched Lexa closely.
Lexa couldn't sleep at all. Again. She was pretty sure she was the most restless Commander in all of history. Lexa had tried everything. She tried meditation, herbal tea, some of Nyko's remedies, exhausting herself in training during the day, reading, etc. but nothing seemed to work. She couldn't get away from her thoughts. And even in her thoughts she couldn't get Clarke out of them. Her thoughts and the lingering darkness in them had been growing stronger in recent months but especially since The Mountain. Since she betrayed Clarke.
Maybe if she just bedded other women that would take her mind away from the Sky Princess? Maybe it would exhaust her body enough? She sighed in frustration, she couldn't do that. That wouldn't be fair to anyone involved, and it wouldn't be fair to Clarke. She couldn't hurt Clarke anymore. She just needed to hit something, she needed to scream, her tent was becoming suffocating and she couldn't handle being alone without something to do.
She knew she had done what was needed. For her people. What was needed of her had started long before the Mountain, with Costia. And now it had progressed to Anya, Gustus, and now Clarke. Their faces seemed to join together in her nightmares, sometimes she swore she saw them when she was awake. Clarke was alive of course, and she saw her but she wanted to see the Clarke who looked at her like she used to. She had succeeded at the mountain but the cost seemed to be to big, she had lost everyone she loved. Because she had to be the Commander.
She had finally made it to the clearing, she started taking off pieces of her armor and throwing them half heartedly away from her until she was in nothing but a black tunic and leggings. She felt a little better without all of her armor on, sometimes she felt like it would suffocate her. She hated that feeling. Any feeling really, it made her feel weak and she couldn't be weak. She had to be strong, for her people...and herself. If she wasn't strong for herself she felt as if she would break into a million tiny pieces. She bit her lip as a surge of emotion welled up within her, her fear of being broken seemed to be trying to claw its way out.
Lexa could feel her arms starting to tingle with fear, her breathing became quicker. She squeezed her eyes shut and clasped her hands at her temples, pulling at her hair slightly. This couldn't be happening, she kept her emotions so in check. They wouldn't dare spill out, she couldn't let the darkness out. She felt her will power crumble as the anxiety overtook her body, she was shaking everywhere and couldn't hold back the sob that had built up in her chest.
She fell to her knees as she let out the first sob, it seemed like a dam had broken because then she couldn't stop. She pressed her lips tightly together to keep any sound form coming out. She couldn't let anyone from camp hear her, she couldn't be seen being this weak. She just couldn't help it though. She didn't really know what caused her tears to fall but she felt them roll down her cheeks and down onto the ground. She cursed silently and couldn't seem to control her actions as she punched the dirt in anger. She felt pain rush through her knuckles as they connected with a rock, she glanced down and noticed they had started to bleed slightly where the rock had cut them open. The pain felt..well kind of good, it distracted her from her emotions and that is all she wanted at the moment. She raised her hand and did it again and again and was going to continue until she heard a voice behind her.
It was Clarke. "Lexa! Stop!"
She froze in her actions and snapped her eyes up to meet Clarke's. She felt her eyes water even more as the tears threatened to spill over. "C-Clarke?" She whispered.
Lexa knew she didn't sound like the Commander. She didn't sound commanding and authoritative, she wasn't someone who was ruthless or heartless. She was just someone who was broken, who had been through so much death that they didn't even see the joy in life anymore.
Clarke nodded slowly toward her. She saw how broken and torn up Lexa was. She felt worry engulf her as she walked toward Lexa and knelt down beside her. "Beja, Leksa."
She slowly grabbed her hand to examine the damage, Lexa had probably broken a few fingers and sprained her wrist from hitting the ground so hard. She looked up to see broken green eyes, she realized this was Lexa. Lexa was the girl who had kissed her, and the girl who had watched over her after the Pauna, she was the girl who loved Costia, who had let her mercifully kill Finn. The Commander was the one who had left her at the mountain, the one who had let TonDC get bombed, the one who had betrayed her. They were two spirits battling in one girl.
Lexa nodded numbly as she looked back at Clarke, she wanted to tell her how sorry she was. She wished she could take it all back. She wished she could tell her she wouldn't choose that same way again, that they could've overcome the Mountain together. She felt her chest constrict at seeing Clarke, why couldn't she just end this life and have her spirit meet her in the next? She was sure they would meet again...she couldn't imagine any life without Clarke. She felt the tears spill over again as she sobbed and she leaned forward into Clarke. "I..I'm so sorry." She sobbed. "I didn't want to...I wanted to take it back the moment I saw your face." She cried shakily. "I hate myself for it, please...I'm sorry. Forgive me. I will do anything." She gasped as her breathing became harder to control.
Clarke grabbed Lexa's face and made her look into her eyes. Green met blue. "Leska. Breathe. In...Out." She said. She repeated the mantra until Lexa's breathing became stable.
"Au Medo Thonken." She whispered and paused, worry filled her eyes. She knew Clarke hated her why was she admitting such weakness to her? Why was she about to bear her soul to her? She bit her lip and sighed inwardly. Because right now, she was Lexa, and not The Commander. "Ai na get raun, you mounon." She whimpered and looked sadly at Clarke. "I love you."
Clarke smiled softly as Lexa spoke in Trigedasleng. It was always nice to hear Lexa speak her native language, even if it sometimes took her a minute to translate. She didn't dare interrupt Lexa as she spoke so openly. My body is hollow...I will atone for the mountain. She hadn't needed to translate the last statement because Lexa not only said it in English, but her eyes spoke volumes. She was telling the truth, and Clarke knew that her choice on The Mountain had been more of a Commander decision instead of a Lexa one. It had been for her people. Clarke couldn't really be angry anymore because she would've done the same thing.
Clarke cupped Lexa's face and felt tears fill her eyes as well. "Sha, Leksa." She mumbled as she pulled her into a hug. Knowing she needed this more than a kiss, knowing she needed physical contact to help with her dark thoughts. She knew Lexa had them, hell Clarke had had them at times to. "Sha, Ai Hod yu in." She paused and looked up behind her to see Indra with what looked likes tears in her eyes, though if she valued her life she would never bring that up to anyone.
Indra had then helped Clarke carry Lexa back to her tent and get her into bed. Clarke wrapped LExa in a warm fur blanket before looking at Indra. "I trust this won't leave the three of us." She stated. Indra raised an eyebrow. "Sha, Skai Praisa." She was about to step out before she paused. "She will need you in the coming days."
Clarke nodded as she watched Indra leave. Indra cared for Lexa and The Commander. Clarke smiled at Lexa's exhausted frame, she didn't want to leave but she couldn't stay uninvited in The Commander's tent. She was about to get up and leave when she felt a hand on her wrist pull her back down.
"Stay?" Lexa asked quietly while moving over to make room on the bed.
"Is that what you want?" Clarke asked. She was speaking to Lexa AND The Commander.
Lexa nodded firmly. "Sha, Klark." She knew Clarke was speaking to both sides of her.
Clarke climbed into bed beside her, and snuggled into her side. "Sleep, Heda." She teased.
Lexa nodded and wrapped her arms around Clarke. She was going to show Clarke and everyone that she could be Lexa and The Commander.
She didn't have to tear herself in two.
And from now on she wasn't going to.