Clarke had ignored it at first, figuring it was someone looking for one of her neighbours but had just ended up at the wrong door, why else would someone be banging on her door at four am?
After the third, louder bang Clarke growled, throwing the covers off of her and stomped to her door, her mouth open, a harsh comment on the tip of her tongue before the door was even open.
She froze up as soon as she saw who was there, though, her eyes running over a very wet, very battered and very bruised Lexa.
"Lexa, what happened to you?" Clarke asked, just managing to recover enough from her shock to step aside.
"Did we really break up?" Lexa croaked, her eyes shinning with tears as she entered Clarke's apartment. An apartment they used to share, their first home together. "They're all telling me we broke up two months ago but that can't be true." Lexa turned to Clarke with a pleading look in her watery eyes. "We were perfect together. You and me, we were forever, I knew that from the first date."
"Lexa," Clarke whispered in confusion. She hadn't seen this girl in a little over a month and now she is just showing up at her door like she doesn't remember the last couple of months of her life.
"Tell me they're lying." Lexa was begging her to tell her that, that everyone was lying and they were still very much together.
"I'm sorry, I can't." Clarke took a few tentative steps towards Lexa, eyeing the bruise that took up half of the woman's face. "What happened? Did someone hurt you?"
"I was hit by a car," Lexa sniffed, wiping at her nose. "I can't- I've lost the last year of my life."
"Babe," Clarke breathed, gently pulling Lexa into a hug, trying not to squeeze her to tight in case she was hurt. "Why didn't they call me?"
"I tried when I woke up but Lincoln told me we weren't together anymore." The pain in Lexa's voice made Clarke's chest ache.
"Let's get you something to change into. I still have a few of your shirts."
"I thought we broke up?"
"Just because we broke up doesn't mean I don't miss you." Clarke left Lexa standing in the door way and headed into her room to dig out one of Lexa's shirts, or at least pretend to dig out one of Lexa's shirts like she hadn't just been wearing one the night before.
Lexa had made her way into the living room and was hovering in the middle of the room, looking around at the pictures, or lack there of. The last time she had been here there was pictures pinned up all over the walls and now there was just a select few of Clarke and her family, and Clarke with Raven, Bellamy and Octavia. There was also a few small ones of Clarke with other friends. Lexa couldn't see any of her and Clarke, and that hurt.
She looked lost, but that didn't surprise Clarke.
"Here you go," Clarke said, startling Lexa out of her little daze, handing her her green flannel shirt.
"This is my favorite shirt,"
"Yeah," Clarke agreed, offering Lexa a calming, and somewhat cheeky, smile. "But you aren't getting it back."
Lexa didn't laugh, holding the shirt tentatively in her hands.
"I will go make hot chocolate, make yourself at home."
"This is my home," Lexa whispered, sounded detached as she stared down at the shirt.
"Not anymore, Lex." Clarke said carefully, "You moved out, went to live with Lincoln."
Lexa bobbed her head, her shoulders slumped and her head bowed in defeat.
"Get changed before you catch a cold,"
"You're a doctor," Lexa said as Clarke began walking away, making the blonde glance back at Lexa. "You know that's not how it works."
Clarke laughed quietly, nodding in agreement as she left the living room, making a quick stop to get her phone from her room and punched in Octavia's number.
"You realise what time it is, don't you?" Octavia growled sleepily.
"She was in an accident and you didn't think about telling me?" Clarke growled, trapping her phone in between her cheek and shoulder as she dug out a pot.
Octavia was silent for a few seconds, then there was rustling on the other end of the phone. "How do you know?"
"She showed up at my doors soaked through and looking like a lost fucking puppy."
"She what? She wasn't supposed to be discharged for another week or so."
"When did it happen?" Clarke asked, drawing a sigh from Octavia.
"A week ago."
"She's in bits, Octavia. She still thinks we are together." Clarke sighed, pouring the milk into the pot, leaning back against the counter beside the stove. "She looked so lost."
"Well, why aren't you?"
"What?"
"Together. Why aren't you both together? You both miss each other, I've seen the state of both of you over the past few months, why are you doing it to yourselves?"
"You know why,"
"Yeah, because of the thing with your dad but this could be your second chance."
Clarke sighed, rubbing her fingers over her forehead. "I'm not doing this, Octavia."
"I'll come pick her up," Octavia said quietly.
"No. No, it's fine. I will drive her to Lincoln's in the morning." Clarke ran her fingers through her hair, gently stirring the warming milk. "You should've told me, Octavia."
"We didn't know she wouldn't remember anything." Octavia admitted, "We didn't think you would care."
"You didn't think I would-" Clarke released an angry breath through her nose, running her hand over her face. "Fuck you, O."
"That's not that I meant. We didn't think it was your business, you both aren't together anymore."
"So what? You know she still means a lot to me."
"I know. I'm sorry."
Clarke sighed tiredly, "I'm gonna go, okay? I will drop her off in the morning."
"Okay, I am sorry, Clarke."
"Bye, Octavia." Clarke hung up the phone, placing it into the pocket of her pajama bottoms and took the pot off the burner.
Once she had made the hot chocolates, Clarke headed back into the living room, a fond little smile appearing on her lips when she noticed Lexa sitting on the sofa, dressed in nothing but the shirt Clarke had give her and her underwear, her legs tucked under herself. It reminded Clarke all to much of how it used to be.
"Are you hurt anywhere else?" Clarke asked, handing Lexa the mug and carefully sat down beside her, tucking her own legs under herself.
"My ribs. A few superficial cuts." Lexa answers quietly, cupping her mug in between her hands as a way of trying to warm herself up.
"And your head?"
"They said my memory might come back, eventually."
"Did you have a concision or?"
Lexa nodded, bringing her mug up to her lips and taking a sip. "Octavia said they didn't even think I would wake up at first."
"And she didn't even call me," Clarke growled under her breath, taking a drink of her hot chocolate, focusing on how it burned its way down her throat instead of how she wanted to march right over to Octavia's and just yell at her.
"We broke up,"
"That doesn't matter, Lex!" Clarke snapped, "We were together for five years, they should've told me that you might've died."
Lexa just nodded jerkily, swallowing thickly before bringing her mug up to her lips.
They both sat in silence, slowly drinking their hot chocolates until Clarke had woken up fully and Lexa had warmed up.
Lexa was still glancing around the living room, the picture of Clarke and her parents catching her eye.
"How are your parents doing?"
"My dad died almost a year ago."
Lexa almost choked on her hot chocolate, turning to Clarke with wide eyes. "What? Why didn't I know about that?"
"You did, Lexa, you were there when it happened." Clarke explained, "You were both at the football game, I couldn't go because I was working at the hospital. You were both in an accident, a car hit my dads side."
"I-" Lexa breathed, unsure of what to say.
"They thought you had survivors guilt and because you were driving you blame yourself,"
"Was it my fault?"
"No, the other driver ran a stop sign. You withdrew a lot, we both did, I couldn't deal with the fact my father had died and you said you couldn't look at me without guilt eating away at your insides."
Lexa swallowed, "I'm so sorry, Clarke."
"Don't, Lex. I never blamed you, not once."
"Is that when it started?" Lexa asked quietly, looking down at her now empty mug. "Is that why we broke up."
"Partially," Clarke agreed.
"You know," Lexa started, lifting her eyes to look at Clarke. "I went home after our fifth date, the one to the drive in movie, and I told Octavia I was going to marry you." She confessed. "What else changed?"
"Our circumstances, Lex. We couldn't cope, we were both working to much. I was working the graveyard shifts at work and you were working twelve hours a day but we couldn't afford not to. That had been going on for over a year, you remember that?"
Lexa shook her head solemnly. "No, the last thing I remember was Universal." Lexa answered with a sad little smile. "You remember, right? We spent most of the day in the Harry Potter section and we didn't leave until the place was closing. Then we went to city walk and ate a burger big enough that it made us both feel like crap."
"Yeah, that was a good day." Clarke agreed, smiling wistfully. "But after that is when it all started falling apart."
"Did we fall out of love with each other?"
"No. No, it was never that." Clarke assured softly, turning her body to face Lexa. "We just drifted apart, we sometimes went days without speaking to each other face to face and with the thing with my dad." Clarke shrugged, licking her dry lips. "You still blamed yourself and you thought us being together was causing me excess pain so you broke it off."
"I was the one who broke it off?" Lexa asked in surprise, looking completely astonished that she would be the one to end things.
"It was a long time coming, really. I was sleeping on the sofa more often than not, it would probably have gotten nasty if we didn't end it then."
"I still love you," Lexa admitted, "I know I don't remember any of the rough patch but I can feel it, I love you."
"I love you, I always will."
"Then why couldn't we work through it?"
"How could we? We didn't have time, we were both working ever chance we could."
"I quit my job,"
"I'm sorry?" Clarke frowned, setting her mug on the coffee table and turned to look at Lexa.
"Lincoln told me that's why we broke up so I quit," Lexa shrugged, "I don't want to be apart of something the ruined something so important to me. I hated the place anyway, it wasn't what I wanted to be doing."
Clarke didn't really know what to say to that, Lexa had never loved her job but she needed the money.
"You- you can't just quit your job, Lexa. You need that job."
"No, I need you."
"That wasn't all it was, though, Lex." Clarke stressed, "It was more than just your job. It was mine, it was the thing with my dad, the thing with your parents. There was so may things going against us."
"I just thought we were worth fighting for."
"It was too much, for both of us. It was taking its toll on both of us," Clarke sighed. "We were fighting constantly, it would have ended with us hating each other."
Lexa didn't say anything, leaning forward to place her mug on the coffee table and rested her head in her hands.
"Are you ok?" Clarke asked, carefully reaching out to touch the back of Lexa's neck.
"I have a headache," Lexa whispered, "This has all been a little overwhelming."
"Do you want to go lie down?" Clarke questioned softly, gently massaging the woman's neck.
"Yeah, if that's ok?"
"Course," Clarke assured, setting her mug on the coffee table as she stood up.
Clarke lead Lexa into the bedroom, her heart clenching at the disorientated look on Lexa's face as she took in the changes. It must be strange, in her mind two months ago was yesterday, the changes to their apartment must be a lot for her.
"Do you need anything?"
Lexa's eyes flickered to Clarke, shaking her head timidly. "No, I'm-" Lexa's voice broke off, her eyes welling up again.
"Come here," Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck, her own lip quivering when Lexa, the woman she had been in love with for most of her adult life, sobbed against her neck.
"It shouldn't be like this," Lexa weeped, her hands fisting the back of Clarke's shirt.
"We- we couldn't have seen this coming. Life just got in the way, there was honestly nothing we could do." Clarke whispered, giving Lexa's shoulder a little squeeze before taking a step back. "I'll crash on the couch."
Lexa caught her hand as she turned to leave, "Stay, please."
Clarke looked unsure until she remembered Lexa almost died, she deserved this little comfort. Nodding, Clarke rounded her side of the bed and sat down, watching Lexa as she gingerly climbed onto the mattress.
They laid side by side in silence for a good half an hour before Lexa turned on to her side to face Clarke.
"How is your residency going?"
"It's finished," Clarke answered, her head lolling to the side to look at Lexa. "I'm a surgeon now."
"No way," Lexa grinned and Clarke could feel her heart stammer in her chest at the proud look in Lexa's eyes. "That's great. How is that going?"
"Okay. I mean, me becoming a surgeon didn't help with our situation. And they've put me on leave for the next couple of days."
"Why?"
"My head hasn't really been in the game recently." Clarke admitted, "I threw myself into my work after we broke up, I was hardly sleeping, hardly eating. After two months it all got too much and I fainted at work, thankfully not during a surgery, my boss sent me home and told me to take the week off and if I come back and I'm still not back to normal I'm fired."
"If anyone knows the dangers of not eating and sleeping it's you. You used to rhyme off a list of dangers to me when we were in university." Lexa said and for the first time that night a little smile pulled its way onto her lips.
She honestly can't remember the last time they just laid together, it was probably a good six months before they broke up.
"I'm really proud of you, you know? For becoming a surgeon, you deserve it, you worked really hard to get to where you are."
"Thank you," Clarke smiled before admitting quietly. "I'm not sure it was worth it, though."
Lexa swallowed. "Were we friends?"
"I haven't seen you in over a month." Clarke flipped into her front, resting her cheek on her arm. "I couldn't, Lex, I couldn't be your friend."
"Things must have been really bad if I ended things because I've never been so in love with anyone in my life."
"That just wasn't enough,"
"It was, it always was, but life go in the way." Lexa breathed. "Can we try and work through it?"
"What if you suddenly remember have you felt after my father's death? What if you start pulling away again?" Clarke questioned. "I can't go through that again."
"I won't. I might not remember that feeling but I will never forget this feeling, the feeling of loosing you. Nothing has every hurt like this."
"Friends." Clarke offered. "Friends is all I can do right now."
"Of course," Lexa quickly agreed. "Anything. I just need you in my life."
Clarke smiled shyly at that, gently touching the back of Lexa's hand. "You should sleep. You apparently just woke up from a weeklong coma."
"Which logically should mean I'm not tired." Lexa said with a little laugh.
"I'm afraid that's not how it works."
Lexa hummed, her eyes slipping closed. "Don't be to mad at them for not telling you," she whispered sleepily.
"I am, I'm pissed but that something I will deal with tomorrow."
"They must have had a reason."
"There is no good reason to not tell me that the girl I love almost died."
Lexa looked like she wanted to agree but just settled for humming softly. "Goodnight, Clarke."
"Goodnight, Lexa."