*up-beat music following words sliding to form the title card*
theREALWARRIORS of LA
Zhen Ji
Secretly reads actually good books
She is facing the camera and talks in a stereotypical Californian valley girl accent,"I wanted to go hang out with my girlfriends at the mall for the weekend. But what I didn't want to do was having to deal with this."
Zhen Ji is laughing while walking with Wang Yi and Cai Wenji inside of a really bright mall that gives the camera glare at times. Ahead of them are Xiao Qiao, Da Qiao, and Sun Shang Xiang walking in their direction. When the two groups pass each other, Sun Shang Xiang tells the other two girls with her out loud,"I didn't know old people still go to the mall." Zhen Ji's feet stop moving and she makes a quick 180 to walk towards Sun Shang Xiang, the other two women sort of following behind,"Say that again."
"Your ears ain't working, too?"
The camera zooms up to give the audience a good look of Zhen Ji's "you did not just say that" face.
Xiao Qiao
Doesn't know numbers above a thousand
"Ooooooh, she gettin' it now."
Zhen Ji steps forward and gives Sun Shang Xiang the back of her hand, prompting everyone to make an 'O' face at the gesture. Sun Shang Xiang responds by grabbing Zhen Ji's hair and ripping a handful out with an audible Velcro tear.
"Extensions!"
"Hrraagh!" Zhen Ji tackles her down and the two proceed to get into a slap fight on the floor while people gather around to hold up smartphones, recording this event.
Sun Shang Xiang
Eats only protein powder-coated kale steak
A visible bruise is on her cheek, but despite that, she says,"By the way, I won that one. I take Crossfit classes at the Y. I would have done more if not for the security that came in to break us up. If they hadn't came, I would have wrecked that hag."
While those two were having a slap-turned-punching contest on the floor, two big security mall guards come in to pull them apart.
Zhen Ji
Plays muscial instruments for real
"I spent half a day in mall jail. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Mall jail! That's for people who can't commit real crimes!"
Sun Shang Xiang
Has great glutes
"Aw, I couldn't go to regular jail? Ugh, mall jail is about the wimpiest kind of jail you could go to. You can't go around saying you went to mall jail to threaten people."
After those two women were dragged off, Wang Yi goes over to where the fight had happened and picks up a small shopping bag that was left behind. She looks inside and shrugs to walk off with it.
Wang Yi
Vodka expert
She holds up a pair of hoop earrings that look like Sun Shang Xiang's chakrams.
"Look at what I found."
"Are you keeping those for yourself?"
"No, Ebay." She said with a smirk.
Sun Shang Xiang is looking on a smartphone while in mall jail and she slides her finger on the screen to see those earrings up for sale. She shouts in anger,"Aren't those mine?! I have to get those back-Oh my god, someone bought them already!"
Xiao Qiao
Makes all purchases on her sister's card
She shows off her ears, now adorned with chakram hoop earrings, while smiling deviously.
"I bought them." She then laughs like a little girl at the camera,"Heheheheheh!"
We'll be right back after these messages.
Have a favorite character? Do you love that character so much that you want them right there in your home?
WELL NOW YOU CAN with the units!
These units are from any fandom imaginable and by simply placing an order and paying the shipping and handlingtaxandthecopyrightfee, you can have your very own character from the thing you like!
For the very low price of $159.99!
Call our hotline now to place an order and get at least fifty dollars off!
CALL NOW!
You are greeted with many shots of streets and sign posts until the camera focuses on a simple cafe.
Zhuge Liang
Shampoos facial hair along with regular hair
"I've invited Fa Zheng out to this small quiet cafe to confront him on how he's been trying to get into my wife's pants, that sleazeball. The only reason why I am not killing him at this moment is because I am a civilized human being. Unless you are a gynecologist, stay out of my wife's private business down south. "
Fa Zheng
Tan is from the real sun, not a tanning bed
"I didn't come out here to make friends. I came here for brunch. That guy's paying, right?"
Zhuge Liang meets with Fa Zheng and greets him,"Hello, Fa Zheng." He looks down to see Fa Zheng is wearing a very light pink tank top accompanied with a thin jacket over it to say in a drone voice,"Nice shirt."
"I know, I try to keep it one hundreeed." He replied in a similar droning voice.
"Really?"
"No, some asshole threw in their red cap into my laundry."
"Aw, how sad." He continued in a monotone voice.
They take their seats and Zhuge Liang begins in a serious voice, or at least somewhat serious to keep it a reality show and not a drama,"I know what you've been doing with my wife and I don't like that. I'd like you to stop."
Fa Zheng is not listening and is more fixed onto the menu in his hands,"I wonder what I should get... Well, you're paying, so I cn get whatever I want. I think I'll go with this huge platter-"
"Hey! You listening? You have been trying to get into the pants of a married woman and the guy she's married is pissed at you!"
"Oh, that's you? I'm sorry, I was busy listening to the specials that hot waitress is listing behind us."
"Listen here, you. If you come by my wife again, I will destroy you."
"Just like how I destroyed her last night?"
Zhuge Liang makes this shocked look and then begins fuming when the waitress, Wang Yuanji, comes by. She was about to talk when Zhuge Liang reaches over to choke Fa Zheng and pull at his hair. Fa Zheng responds by doing the same thing and the two end up having this slap/punch fight while Wang Yuanji tries to break them up, angrily shouting,"Not in my section!"
The little fight stops when Zhuge Liang rips out a bit of Fa Zheng's hair, prompting him to shout,"My weave!"
"Stay away from my wife or else I'll rip something else out of you."
"Fine, grandpa." Zhuge Liang storms away in a huff, leaving Fa Zheng to remain sitting at the table. Next to him was another table with a person holding out a newspaper in front of them. On the table was a plate of English muffins that Fa Zheng just plucks a few off to walk off munching on. The newspaper drops to reveal the person sitting in the table to be Xun Yu, who sees Fa Zheng, calling him out,"Oy, my scones!" Fa Zheng tells him with a stuffed mouth,"We're in America, they're English muffins."
Fa Zheng
Hair is 80% grease
"Those English muffins were stale as f*bleep*."
"Why'd you take them then?"
"Food's food."
Fa Zheng continues walking when he bumps shoulders with a guy with a red cap on their head.
"Hey, watch it."
"Huh?" The person turns their head to reveal Gan Ning making a pissy expression,"Yeah, what'cha want, pink shirt?"
"You're the one who got their red cap into my laundry!"
"Yeah, so what?"
"You asshole! Use your own washing machine!"
"I didn't got no quarters, and my cap had a nasty mayonnaise stain on it. I figured why not share one?"
"Red does not wash well with white!"
"I saw grey, so it was fine."
"Those were my socks and sweatpants!"
"Didn't see no white. Certainly not on my cap."
"I'm stuck with a pink shirt because of you!"
"Not ma problem."
Fa Zheng gives him a rough push in anger. Gan Ning turns to him sighing very deeply while shaking his head.
Gan Ning
Half of tattoos are fake/temporary
Gan Ning tells to the camera with a tilted head,"This fool."
"Wanna go? I'll go. Come at me, bro." Fa Zheng goes ahead to give another push and Gan Ning grabs him by the waist and wrestles him into a nearby wall of a building, where the two begin throwing punches into each other while people watch in either appallment or excitement.
"I'll give you a nasty red stain here and now for what you've done...!"
"Try me, bitch!"
The two are now on the ground, wrestling and punching while the camera rolls. Not much later, police cars pull up to break the two up and push them into the squad cars.
Fa Zheng
Hates pink
He holds up a photo showing off his mugshot, him with a few light bruises on his face.
"When are you ever going to see such a handsome mugshot like mine? Come on, just look at it. You agree with me, no?"
Silence. Fa Zheng then says in a displeased voice to the camera, specifically to the cameraman,"Well, screw you."
Gan Ning
That was not mayonnaise
"That guy had no chill. F*bleep*. My eye... Arrgh... And I got blood on my shirt... Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of cotton? Huh?" He turns to the side of the screen,"Well, with a guy like me working minimum wage, how the f*bleep* would I get hidragon pedroxide in this day and age?! That's NASA s*bleep* right there!"
"Hydrogen peroxide."
"Whatever!"
We'll be right back after these messages.
Have dry, blocky, poorly rendered hair like most women?
Well, here's the solution.
Try L'Oreal's new Volumizing Shampoo with Texture and Pixel Smoothing for ultimate 60 FPS hair.
It removes that ugly clumping, blocky-iness, and overall poor quality in hair from previous generations as well as gives you the proper textured hair is supposed to have in the new generation. The secret patent formula is the tiny microscopic pixels cultivated from the PC master race and only the PC master race that enter the hair follicles and repair all the split hairs caused by the failures of the console fluid that makes up the shampoo.
Become next-gen with L'Oreal
********Because you're worth it*********
The camera shows L.A.'s beautiful nightlife skyline before switching between cars driving on the night roads and the night scene of people walking together to finally land on a nightclub with a line forming at its entrance. The entrance's doors burst open for two burly security guards bring Guo Jia out by the arms, him shouting,"Let me go! I didn't do anything! Agh!" They toss him into the sidewalk before going back into the club. He gets up to brush off dirt and fix his clothes.
Guo Jia
Gayest-looking straight guy
"That was the third club I was kicked out of for something I didn't do."
"What did you do?"
"Well..."
Back to where Guo Jia is left to brush off dirt of himself, the screen pauses for a backwards fast forward sign to appear in the corner. The scene goes backwards so that Guo Jia is taken back into the club by the guards, fast forwarding back until to where you see Wang Yi sitting at the bar. The scene returns to real time and Guo Jia slides up next to her smoothly, though not very subtle.
"Hey there, gorgeous. How about I buy you something to drink?"
"Sure, hot stuff." The woman gives him a sultry smile while the drinks were being ordered. The drinks come, and Guo Jia is chatting with her while she discreetly drops something small and red into his drink, which is also red.
"So, what's a beautiful lady like you doing alone here?"
"Oh, just..."
She stops talking and a finger taps Guo Jia on the shoulder. He turns around to face a tall man in a V-neck and wearing a ridiculously huge golden bling necklace that has the name "Zhao Ang" in big capital letters.
"And who are you?"
"I'm going to kick your ass for hanging with my girl."
"..."
"What's this?!" The guy reaches over to grab the cup with the piece of red inside, fizzing with the alcohol. "Were you tryin' to drug up ma girl?!"
"What?! No! What drug?"
"This in here, blondie!" He points to that red thing inside the drink with a face that is slowly getting angrier. He slams down on the counter before rolling up his sleeves,"Oh, I'm going to mess you up!"
"Wait, wait! I didn't do anything!"
"Alright, what's going on?" asks one security guard approaching the scene.
"This guy's tryin' to drug up my girl!"
"No, I wasn't!"
"Where's the drink?"
The man holds up the cup with the red thing inside and the security guard looks inside to take two fingers to pick out the red thing. He examines it silently before dropping it back into the cup and going over to grab Guo Jia by the arm, who shouts about the red thing,"I'm pretty sure that's just a Jolly Rancher!"
"Whatever, creep. You're going out."
"Oh come on! I did not put that in-"
Cut ahead to when two guards throw him out to the sidewalk.
Guo Jia
Not a natural blonde
"Geez, that girl didn't say she was dating someone... And where did that red thing come from...? That bartender did look fairly shady... Well, guess who is getting one star on Yelp?"
Wang Yi
Has a wine cabinet in every room
"That was a Jolly Rancher, to be fair to the guy. It just had a slight tweak to it. Damn, we could have had the time of our life if not for that party pooper."
"That was your boyfriend."
"Right, him. I forget he exists. He looks like that, yet I can barely notice him. I should consider dumping him officially... He is a really clingy guy..."
Guo Jia is calling on a phone and he says to it,"Um, hello? I need you to pick me up."
"I just dropped you off there." said the phone.
"Yeah, I got kicked out."
"AGAIN? What was it this time, peeking into the girl's bathroom?"
"Oh come on, I'm not that desperate. And every time I get kicked out, it's something I didn't do. I just have the worst of luck."
A car whizzes by over a puddle and the water splashes all over Guo Jia, him standing there with this "are you kidding me" face while soaked in dirty water.
"If you have that much bad luck, why do I see used panties scattered all around the floor?"
"Fine, I'm being a little dramatic here."
"Take a taxi." Then, the other line hangs up and leaves Guo Jia to listen to the droning receiver noise. He puts his phone away, grumbling,"...I know you can drive... You can't keep slapping the 'I'm old' card forever..."
The camera zooms out to leave him standing and waiting for a taxi to then quickly transition over to a quiet park, where on one of the benches, Jia Xu is sitting there, throwing crumbs in front of him for pigeons to flock over to peck at the bits. Next to him is Huang Zhong, doing the same thing and having his own flock of pigeons in front of him. Both were lit up by the tired streetlight above them.
"Who was that?' asks Huang Zhong.
"Just some annoying kid I'm renting my space to."
"Wow, you making good money off this kid?"
"Well, he begs me to buy alcohol for him. So, not exactly good money..."
"Oh my god, is he a runaway renegade minor?"
"No, he's an adult. Just that many cashiers don't believe he is and has to rely on me since I have a mustache."
"That's sad."
"I know."
"Does he have an I.D.?"
"Yeah, but people thinks it's fake."
"Ohhohohoho, that's even sadder."
Loud footsteps can be heard approaching and when the two men turned their heads, they see Guan Suo chasing Bao Sanniang so that they run through the flock of pigeons, scaring them off.
"Ah, young love."
"Stupid love."
Jia Xu
Has jars of pickled eggs that no one is allowed to complain about
"Wait a minute, why was I there in the first place...? I could've sworn I went there for something..." He scratches his head with a confused look on his face.
Grainy security camera footage plays to show someone that looks vaguely like Jia Xu sitting in the bench, Huang Zhong already gone. This cloaked figure approaches him to sit next to him. It fiddles around with its pockets at the same time Jia Xu hands the figure a stack of cash. They exchange things and part ways without saying anymore words.
"Ah, probably went for a walk." He shrugs.
End credits speed down the screen while the background is the city life of L.A. Ending the show is the camera zooming at a specific area of the city life scene to bring the viewer to an apartment building. In an open window is Fa Zheng scowling into a phone,"Fine! I'm wearing a pink shirt! Get over it! It's pink! F*bleep*! Shut up! I know it's pink! Can we talk about something else?!" The phone has cackling from the other end and he angrily throws the phone out the window.