Disclaimer: I am not the owner, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not having an identity crisis.
AN: This one came out of nowhere, when I read this fic where Hichigo gets addicted to coffee, and I realized that he's only five months old.
…How to Appreciate Your Hollow Self; and How to Get Back at a Stingy, Selfish King…
By: IDon'tHaveANameIsThatAProblemPartner and SeeminglyAngelic
-I-
…Introduction…
This all started with something very sad. Now, don't get all worked up, nobody was killed (unfortunately), there's no need to cry. Unless you're a sympathizing heart, who stops to consider the feelings of others. Basically, if you're that Matrix-Wannabe piece of scrap metal known as Zangetsu, or if you don't have a stupid hair color, and you have a talking stuffed animal (whom I will get one day…just wait…) in your bedroom, then this was directed at you.
You see, I realized something just the other day that tore my heart apart. Just for the sake of time, let's assume that I have one. It's called verbal abuse. All I did was try to remind the stupid King of something very important to me.
"Morning, partner," I said when the King woke up. I wasn't even saying it that sarcastically. You see, I'd just sent in my Vaizard application through the mail (Kon thinks he can control King's inner world, just because he's in this body? Ha!), and I was pretty sure that that Shinji Hirako was going to accept. So I wasn't trying to you know, take over and kill certain people who get on my nerves like, say, Ririn or Tessai. It was an honest good morning.
But no, the King with is sour self had to be rude.
"What do you want?" He snapped at me.
I really wanted to drag him into the inner world and kill him just for that. But, no. "Why don't you check your calendar? And then you tell me, partner."
"You sound like a cowboy," King said, still being bitter. Most people like to be kind to the people who save them on multiple occasions. "And it's June thirtieth. Why?"
Annoyed by his slowness, I pressed on. "Tell me what happened on June thirtieth last year."
"I went with Mr. Hat-And-Clogs to train."
"And…?"
"And I went to the Soul Society."
"And…?"
"And I got my shinigami form back."
He was really being stupid. Maybe it was on-purpose, so I decided to give it away. I have pity for the mentally challenged. "And your favorite person was born, on that day. It's a special someone's birthday."
King only scratched his head and wondered how I knew what a birthday was. And the guy was actually wondering who's birthday I meant!
"Someone very important!"
"Mom? No…. Orihime? Chad? Dad?..."
By then, I was ready to smack somebody. And since Zangetsu was nowhere nearby for me to physically harass, I had to spell it out for old King. "ME! I'M ONE!" The bum only wondered where I learned to count. Not giving him the chance to say anything stupid, I added in a calmer tone. "But don't worry, partner, you don't have to buy me anything, as long as you decide to continue with my surprise party, even though I've figured it out."
"Surprise party?" King yelled, like I'd surprised him. Well, I hadn't seen him sending out any invitations, so it was only reasonable to assume that I was getting a surprise party. I mean, all the other Hollows got parties. Look at Nnorita and Szayel! Those two divas even threw a no-girls parade.
And then, before I could even respond, he busted out laughing, like it was the funniest thing he ever heard, and said something along the lines of 'no way in hell'.
I found that offensive.
So that was why I was inspired to write this handbook. You see, in these tragic times I turned one year old without a party. Next time I visited the hollow world, I had to hear Nnorita bragging about how Nel is not invited to his next birthday. Turns out, even that big fat Menos Grande celebrate the day they came together. I'm just not appreciated.
You hear that, King? Next time Barette-Boy from Squad Six cuts you up, and I have to come outside, I'm going to pants you in front of everyone.
No Love,
(I wish I could sign out, but I don't have a name. Hmm, wonder whose fault that is?)