It's Always Been You
Notes: Very mild R (or M, if you prefer), for language and sexual content. The title is a line from "Holiday," but I hope you already knew that. My first one-shot in a loooong time. Not really that impressive. I ended a lot of sentences in prepositions and I'm pissed off about that. But oh well. No one's perfect. This is gooey and unapologetic Cranny drabble. Because I can. Much love, give reviews if the spirit moves you.
o o o o o o o o o o
The first time was… wow. Crazy. Surreal.
Well I mean, I guess I have to get specific. There was another first time, the first first time. That one was the first time. And I guess that was kind of surreal, too. But surreal in a really uncomfortable, unimportant way. There was nothing profound or memorable about Manny and I on the couch, the same couch Cheetohs were spilled on and Spinner regularly farted on, fumbling around awkwardly in the dimly-lit garage. Manny trying to be sexy and me acting like I knew what I was doing, both of us sincerely terrified as we ignored her endlessly ringing cell phone which we knew had to be her parents. Coming after a pathetic eight minutes, getting a little on her jacket, feeling like a douche and offering to wash it for her. Avoiding small talk by making out. Not even bothering to walk her to the door as she announced she had to be home before curfew, just nodding and stuttering a "Yeah uh, thanks… I'll uh, bring your jacket by your house tomorrow."
And sadly, I think that jacket's still sitting in my damn garage somewhere. Me? Incurable asshole? Master of saying all the wrong things? Yeah. Pretty much.
God, and then she kept leaving messages, and then when I saw her at school on Monday… just thinking about it makes me cringe. I really wish I could take all that back. That stupid little condom-less eight minutes really fucked a lot of things up.
But that's what first times are. You know, retarded and awkward beyond all reason. Regret is something I really don't have the energy for any more. And it's not like we didn't get better at it… but I guess even those times were sort of fucked up, too.
Essentially every moment I ever spent with this girl, from the very beginning, had been a lot like that night in the garage: awkward and fucked up. Through and through. Stepping on feet during our first dance, wishing for a slow death during our disastrous first date… Damn, when I start to think about it, I wasted a lot of firsts on that girl. I don't know what it was, we just kept colliding into each other. An ongoing disaster of two incompatible train wrecks. The King and Queen of, you guessed it, Awkward and Fucked Up. It was the very last thing I wanted, but for some reason, Manny Santos just kept showing up in my life. She was like a sugary wad of pink bubblegum on my shoe. I stepped on her the very moment I walked into Degrassi, and I spent the next four years trying to pull her off.
But Jesus Christ, did she stick.
You see, I was never aiming for Manny. She was always there, fucking always in the way, as if I didn't have enough mindless drama in my life, but I was just fighting to look past her. I was too busy being in love with Ashley, caught up in our beautiful portrait of self-indulgent emo-rocker fantasy love. I was too busy hating my dead father, feeling like I didn't belong anywhere, trying to figure out why there was so much static and noise inside my head. I was drowning in a river of teenage bull shit thirty miles long, and the last thing I ever wanted to deal with at the end of the day was a nagging annoyance like Manny Santos.
But then I got older, made it all the way to senior year without going completely batshit crazy. I got medicated and therapy-ed, figured out that Joey and Angela weren't such bad family after all, and got my heart broken by the girl that was supposed to be my perfect match. Everything that had seemed so colossal and important before was thrown into a whole new perspective. Without Ashley or my dad or all the other drama in my way, I could see things a little more clearly.
Like a ton of bricks it hit me, sitting on Emma's porch, that Manny Santos was the one I wanted to be with. It didn't make sense at first. She seemed like the last person I would go to, for anything. She had always been there, always in my way, always fucking things up, always cornering me into awkward and unpleasant situations. Why would I need her now? Why was she the one person I found real comfort in?
Oh yeah. Because she had always been there. Background noise, my endless disaster… Manny was the only constant in my life. She had all of my undoable firsts, and I had all of hers. She had seen every ugly side of me, and vice versa. When the smoke of the drama and the bull shit cleared, it was Manny who was standing there. I'd spent so long trying to get rid of her, I didn't realize that she was everything. Manny was the little piece of crazy in my life that I never wanted to let go of.
Manny Santos is my girlfriend. I never thought I'd say that. I never thought I could kiss her and not feel guilty, spend time with her and not keep an eye open for the emergency exit. Bring her into my house through the front door. Call her on the phone and want to. Hold her without being afraid of breaking her. Laugh without remorse. Say "I love you" without a reason.
Life has a really twisted way of putting everything in its place. My life more so than others.
And so the first time, our first time as a legitimate, reasonably drama-free couple… it was everything it always should have been. Slow but fast, familiar but exciting. It was like relearning everything I already knew. Tendrils of black hair and patches of olive skin and soft lips and endless curves and cute feet… Manny was new again. It was like getting back something I never knew I was missing. Like recovering from amnesia. Like eating your favorite food from when you were four. She was there with me, naked with me, honest with me. No pretense, no misunderstandings. No jizz-covered jackets or dirty couches or ignored phone messages. No curfew, no calling parents. We had all the time and freedom in the world to just be together, Craig and Manny, finally together for real. No lies or bull shit or broken hearts. Just me and Manny. Simple and self-explanatory as that.
First times are never perfect. Second times can kind of suck, too. Mistakes are a necessary part of the fucked up and awkward road of life. But keep your feet moving and your eyes open, and you just might find yourself exactly where you want to be.