Shane swears he didn't pussy out.
It was a bit of a careless mission on his part, he thinks. He lead them both out, bitter and confused, his rationale in pieces, and he wonders, even now, which one of them he'd actually wanted (hoped) to pull the trigger that night.
"This the right way?" Rick's voice is raspy when he stops them and Shane feels a slight panic creep through him. His head pounds in indecision, then his mind flashes back, earlier that day, to the dewy scent of cottonwood and Lori's pained pretty face, reflecting the same emotions gnawing inside of him; anger, remorse, grief, longing. She turned away and he'd wanted to reach out and yell and tell her to stay, that it's okay, he doesn't blame her, but instead he stood there, mouth open, noiseless and surrounded by his own stupor.
"S'right a way as any." He waits, but the son of a bitch doesn't budge so he nods his head back to their direction to urge him on.
The gun almost slips from the sweat on his palm. He tightens his grip, knuckles turning white, and he hears the dried leaves crunch under their heavy steps when Shane realizes he's shaking. He eyes Rick's back, knows he can't see, but his teeth grind together in frustration and he's so torn between everything so he keeps a mantra of that soon turns into just a panicked fuckfuckfuck.
He plays out a scene in his head, where he comes back to the farm alone, no Rick, just all that guilt and hot blood on his hands. Fuckin' kid came outta nowhere, runnin' to us, didn't even have time to blink when he shot Rick. I lost it and snapped the kid's neck. I tried-I tried to save 'em, tried to stop the blood but god, there was so much… I was holdin' on, fuck, Lori, I'm sorry, I was trying so hard, I tried to carry him, I couldn't—
Rick stops so abruptly, Shane thinks that one of those Geeks must be out there somewhere and he gets inwardly scolds himself for not raising his gun fast enough. He turns a full three-sixty but finds none and his relief's cut off short when he sees the rigid form of Rick's back and he stands there, gun halfway down, confused and it dawns on him.
Heat pricks behind his ears in shame and he doesn't know why, it's not like Rick knows, but hell, maybe he does, he probably knows everything.
His head pounds and he wishes something would happen, something apart from him and Rick and this moment he wishes he could burn up and never have to face again.
"Shane."
His name is the trigger that creates the fragments within him and his heart pounds violently, eyes trained on the murky ground. The hard metal of his gun, slippery in his cold hand, is the only thing that keeps him there, solid and breathing. Shane squeezes it, wishing he could crush it and turn it into dust.
"Hmm?" It sounds pathetic even in his own ears, seriously, fuck, get your shit together, and he looks up at Rick, trying his best at nonchalance.
Rick's turned around and his eyes are wide and blue, too blue — a contrast from the dark shadows waiting patiently around them. It scares him, because it's Rick's eyes, and it's the same, ever since they were seven and that stupid kid in the sixth grade gave Rick scrapes on his knees and a bruise on his arm. Shane had been angry and stomped out to lunch that day, put his back into it and took a swing at asshole's face, macaroni and cheese flying out of his mouth.
It's too much and Shane looks away and sees beside Rick's head is a clearing. There's a thin blanket of fog and the moon hangs, pale and blinding, over it, like a spotlight waiting to be recognized. Shane wants to laugh because it's there, that's the place — could've been — but he heard his name and Rick, goddamn Rick, has got to have the best fucking timing in this whole fucking world.
When he looks back at Rick, it's betrayal and accusation all in one. Shane sees something like stupid white flags waving in his head and suddenly he staggers backwards on his feet, gun hanging loosely in his hand.
And somehow Rick knows, of course he knows, because he holsters his gun decidedly and his voice is calm when he says, "We should be heading back."
But still, he waits, expecting. And Shane doesn't know what else to do, so he nods, and follows Rick back to the farm.