Just when you thought the world was safe…
The Infinite Mayhem!!!
(Yes the title does include three exclamation points)
This is a little project invented by the super stupendous andi sunrider (go read
and review her stuff! It's entertaining and delicious!) and I. It all came about
when I was plotting this deep philosophical amazingly wonderful story with this
great new character and andi says to me "you idiot! Why not just call her
Mary-Sue and get it over with!" So yeah, here's the story.
Disclaimer #1: This is a spoof fic. Any resemblance between any of the
characters in this spoof fic and any characters in real fic is really, really funny
but not intentional.
Disclaimer #2: I don't own anything except the infinitely wonderful Mary-Sue.
Disclaimer #3: The whole Chipping Sodbury/Malfoy Mansion deal belongs to
the omnipotent and omniscient Cassandra Claire. I didn't ask if I could use it.
Sue me if you will.
The Infinite Mayhem Chapter One: The Chapter that Came First.
It all started as a run of the mill, ordinary day for Mary-Sue. She got up,
had a shower, brushed her long black hair 100 times, got dressed, and went
down for breakfast. As she walked into the kitchen, she felt that something was
amiss. She thought that perhaps it was the licking flames and smoke coming
from the living room door. She wasn't sure however, so she shook it off as
paranoia and went on with her breakfast.
Outside, a commotion was broiling. A crowd of neighbors had gathered
and was watching the Cacti's house burn. Suddenly, someone yelled
"Hey! Isn't Mary-Sue still in there?"
Well, the whole crowd started going crazy because everyone in the town had a
soft spot for Mary-Sue. The commotion was so loud that Draco Malfoy, who
was out for a Sunday afternoon stroll, heard it and decided to check it out.
Draco had walked through the magical barrier separating the Malfoy Mansion
from the cute village of Chipping Sodbury because he needed to get away
from his horrible life. For you see, Draco Malfoy was under a variant of the
Imperius curse by his father. As Draco approached the house, he saw that it
was on fire. He tapped a passing town's person on the shoulder and asked
what was wrong.
"Mary-Sue's inside the house!!"
"Someone's in there?" said Draco incredulosly. His true chivalrous nature
came through and he jumped on his broom and flew through the fallen in roof.
He alighted in the smoke filled kitchen and saw Mary-Sue bravely cooking her
breakfast in the face of danger. Draco cleared his throat gently so as not to
shock her into ruining her fried eggs. She turned to look at him. Her vibrant
green eyes instantly captivated him.
"Yes?" Mary-Sue whispered throatily. Whether trying to be seductive or from
smoke inhalation it was unclear.
"I'm Draco Malfoy. I'm here to rescue you!"
"Well that's lovely of you" she said and jumped on the back of Draco's broom.
Even just flying out of the ruined house, Draco could tell that Mary-Sue was a
natural on the broom. They alighted outside amidst the applause of the crowd.
They stood there, looking into each other's eyes. Green, gray, gray, green.
Draco was the first to speak.
"I think you're on fire," he said.
Mary-Sue smiled brilliantly. "Well thank you," she said.
"No really, you're back is on fire."
Mary-Sue quickly fell to the ground and rolled as she had been taught in
primary. Draco was entranced. As she stood up he said, "How would you like
to come to Hogwarts with me?"
Not knowing what Hogwarts was, Mary-Sue smiled and said, "I'd love too." She
waved to her family and friends as she flew off with Draco into the sunset. The
town was well used to magical goings on and calmly put memory charms on
themselves and went on with their lives.
Draco and Mary-Sue stopped for a rest in the middle of some woods
somewhere. They sat down and began to ask obvious questions.
"So what's your name?" asked Draco.
"Mary-Sue Potted Cacti," replied Mary-Sue Potted Cacti
"Potted Cacti?" asked Draco.
"Potted Cacti," replied Mary-Sue Potted Cacti
"Oh," said Draco, "I'm Draco Malfoy."
"Nice to meet you," said Mary-Sue shaking his hand, "Oh and by the way
thanks for saving my life."
"No problem" said Draco.
"So, uh, why did you ask me to come with you," said Mary Jane.
"Well you're a hottie," said Draco very quietly," AND YOU'LL MAKE THE
PERFECT PARTNER FOR MY FATHER'S EVIL DIABOLICAL SCHEMES!!"
Draco was completely back under his father's curse. Mary-Sue, being the
bright girl she was, looked at him in confusion.
"Huh?" she said articulately.
"What?" said Draco innocently
"What's that about evil diabolical schemes?"
"Oops, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud."
Mary Jane shrugged and they flew on towards Hogwarts.
When they arrived, Draco took Mary-Sue to see Dumbledore immediately.
Dumbledore ran her through a series of tests to determine her ability. After
seeing the results, Dumbledore thought to himself, I've never see such
power in a muggle before. She is destined for greatness. And she kinda looks
like Potter, boy I wish there weren't such strict rules about teacher student
relationships. Dumbledore decided that Mary-Sue would be put into 6th year
with her age group. He then pulled out the sorting hat, which began to sing.
Hogwarts student, welcome dearly
I see your futures here quite clearly
It is I who will decide
In what house you will abide.
"Oh shut up," said Dumbledore, "there's only one to be sorted."
"Well there's no need to get test about it." Said the hat as it was placed on
Mary-Sue's head.
"Well, well, well, what have we here." Said the hat to Mary-Sue. "Mary-sue
Potter."
"That's Potted Cacti," Mary-Sue told it.
"Mmm hmmm," said the hat, "anyway, with power like yours and that family
background, you're definitely a GRYFFYNDOR!"
A very kind and friendly Dumbledore walked Mary-Sue to the Gryffindor
dorm. She fell into one of the large canopy beds and fell asleep.
********************************************
Dun, dun, dun….what will happen to Mary-Sue in the sinister 6th year girls Gryyfindor dorm.
Will she be attacked, mercilessly bullied, or…horror of horrors…..pajama partied!!!
Since it has long since been proven that stress is the leading cause of death in the
galaxy, I'm going to tell you that none of these things happens. In fact, she wakes
up to a perfectly pleasant roomful of girls who are very kind to her and show her the
way to breakfast. Thank you have a stress free day.I'd like to point out that the second most common cause of death in the galaxy is not
getting reviews. Please review, for in the next bit look forwards to Harry and Ron
having a Catfight, the horrid de-forestation monster, and a wet T-shirt contest.
If you've gotten this far and havn't seen your favorite fan fic screw up or most
amusing character mismanagement, please e-mail us at catalin_the_wiz@hotmail.com
with your suggestions. Anyone who helps out will get a loverly little write up
in the next chapter!