Lieutenant James Vega had never seen Shepard cry. He doubted that anyone had seen her cry. Even during the whole time he was her jailor, seeing her deal with the ignorance and incompetence of the tribunal that eventually left her grounded and stripped of rank, not a single tear had been shed. Hell, he figured that even when she was born, she came in to the world with a look of steely determination that showed she was ready to kick ass and take names. But now here she was, her body shaking as tears streamed down her face and he had no idea what to do.
"As you are aware Commander Shepard, the Protheans eventually became the Collectors and the collectors serve the Reapers. Therefore, as a faithful servant of the Enkindlers, we too must serve the Reapers."
The hand holding her pistol began to shake. She lowered her firearm and covered her hand with her face as she broke in to full-blown hysterical laughter.
"I'm sorry..." she gasped between guffaws, "I just can't...I mean...seriously?"
"Commander Shepard, perhaps now is not the time to lose focus." The salarian Spectre Jondum Bau responded, glancing at her.
"Yeah Commander, let's take care of the terrorist first." Vega muttered, unsure of how to handle his Commander's sudden lapse into insanity.
"See, that's the thing," she turned away from the hanar diplomat, her pistol an accessory to her pointed gesticulations, "a hanar terrorist. Can't we just stop and appreciate the absurdity of the moment? He's a damn jellyfish!"
"Your skepticism does not matter. When the Enkindlers uplift us as their chosen sapients, the galaxy will bear witness."
She burst into another bout of laughter.
"Ah, hell," she said, wiping her tears, "I've got some of your brethren in my aquarium, make sure the Enkindlers uplift them too. It's a pain in my ass to remember to feed them all."
James shook his head and chuckled. The salarian glanced between Shepard, Vega and the hanar diplomat with a look of increasing concern.
"Zymandis, we are taking you in to custody." Jondum Bau said, advancing towards the pink, tentacled floating terrorist.
"Your belief in your victory is mistaken. Our planetary defense network..."
"No, shut up," Shepard said, aiming her pistol back at the hanar, "someone has to appreciate the hilarity of the situation. James? Come on. Any feelings about the fact that one moment we're battling sentient machines sent to destroy all life, and the next we're trying to talk down a homicidal jellyfish?"
"Hell Lola, I just assumed you were using these missions to try and impress me," he smirked.
Shepard threw her head back and laughed, gun still aimed at the hanar. "You got me. Because nothing says badass like a crazy jellyfish."
"Enough!" The salarian's shrill voice cut through the beginnings of another round of banter. He turned back to the hanar. "We can't allow you to endanger your planet. We are taking you in to custody."
"As this one said before, our planetary defense network is largely automated. It can be disabled with a single virus... which I have just uploaded."
"Dammit! Wait, a virus would be detectable unless sent on low priority channels which would have a time lag. I may be able to block the upload." The salarian made a move to the console when the hanar's human sidekick stepped in his path, cracking his knuckles and advancing on the salarian.
"You may be... delayed." The hanar spoke, with as much sinister glee as hanar vocal capabilities allowed. Which, admittedly, was not much.
"James!" Shepard jerked her thumb in the direction of the salarian and his attacker. A split second later the attacker jerked backwards and fell to the floor, blood pooling around the new hole in his head. Lieutenant Vega calmly re-holstered his weapon.
"What was that about delays?" Shepard asked before shooting the hanar. It made a slimy squish noise as it hit the floor, sending Shepard in to another fit of giggles.
"You have my thanks." Jondum Bau said as he moved passed the lieutenant to the console. Vega turned back to the Commander who was sizing up the dead hanar.
"It's a damn shame."
"Commander?"
"It looks like he would have fit nicely in to my aquarium. Nuts."
It was James's turn to burst into roaring laughter, his giant body shaking with each laugh.