Human
Although
I hate to admit it, there are some things in life that I don't understand.
Take, for instance, my purpose in life. What is it? Oh, my apologies! I haven't
properly introduced myself, have I. I'm Duo. Duo Maxwell. Huh, and here I am,
throwing all of my problems on you without even telling you my name. Well, now
that you know, back to the question.
What
is my purpose in life? I mean, why am I here? My friends and I joke around
about me being the Shinigami, 'god of death'. I started calling myself that a
while ago, and I guess they just picked it up as a joke. They don't understand
that I call myself that because I believe it's true. Don't look at me so weird!
I'll explain…
You
see, I pilot, or used to pilot, this thing called a gundam. Huh, I could talk
for hours just on my gundam, DeathsyctheHell. It's AWESOME!! Well, I won't talk
too much about it; it was destroyed after the war, anyway. The gundam were used
as tools of war, and I as a soldier. But now, those days are over. Uh, were was
I? Oh yeah! Why I'm the god of death.
During
the war, I killed a countless number of people. While I was fighting, I didn't
really think much about it because I was fighting to accomplish my mission, and
when you have missions, you don't really have time to think about much else.
(Now I'm starting to sound like Heero-kun! How funny!) Yet, when I was lying in
bed, right before I fell asleep, I could hear them, the voices of those I'd
killed shouting in my mind.
It's
a scary feeling, very cold. I could hear them saying, 'Why? Why did you kill
me?' and 'Who will take care of my wife and kids, now that I'm gone?'. Just the
thought of those voices prevented me from sleeping. Some nights, I'd be dead
tired from my mission earlier in the day and the voices would be dormant. But
mostly, they were there, whether just one OZ soldier screaming 'It's a
GUNDAM!!' or the soft grunt of someone being shot through the heart playing
over and over in my mind.
I
doubt that any of the other pilots ever feel that. I mean, Heero's too tough to
let that kind of stuff affect him, Trowa's, well, Trowa, Wufei enjoys killing (unless they're 'weaklings'), and
Quatre's too happy to have that happen. Sometimes I'm ashamed of letting the
people I killed affect me, but I know that I shouldn't be. I just wish I hadn't
killed so much.
It's
hard to believe that one, insignificant guy like me could hold the power to
change so many destinies and end so many lives with the push of just one
button. After all, I'm only human, right? Huh, even I'm not sure about the answer to that question. Could any human
besides me have that kind of power? Do I want
that kind of power? No. I wish that my own destiny could've been changed, if it
meant that I didn't have to kill all those people.
I
feel much better, you know, talking about it. I used to think that talking
about your feelings was for wimps, but now…I don't know. It's not so bad, I
guess. Maybe the voices will stop coming so often. I have a feeling that they
will never go away, permanently; they'll always be there, in the back of my
mind. But at least now, I know not to make that mistake again. Now, I'll try to
help others. Yes, that'll be my purpose in life from now on; even though I know
that I can never 'fix' what I've done, I can still try.
Who
knows? After all, I'm not your regular human. I am the god of death.
