Insanity

[one-sided KabuOro, implied OroZaku and OroKimi

AN: All I can say is that I LOVE MORE THAN I SHOULD writing insane people. XD I think it's because at times, I feel I can relate to them. Hm, I wonder if that's not a good thing… Anyway. Here you go. I don't know if everyone, however, will get the part of the nursery rhyme included here. It's supposedly about the black plague hundreds of years ago, I don't know. Ring a ring of roses, a pocket full of poses, attishoo, attishoo, we all fall down. It doesn't mean much in here, actually. It can take the meaning of whatever you want it to take. I obviously don't own Naruto. I'm not jacking off to Sasuke, am I? So I'm not Kishimoto.

Also, could anyone comment on the rating, please? Is M right, I couldn't really decide for this one. It was either M or T so I chose the higher one for safety's sake. XD

All Kabuto knows is that he is in no way thinking rationally at this point in time. He knows nothing else about what he is doing or thinking or screaming at the younger boy.

He has, however, thought this all over – all of it - before. And all of it is completely irrational and he knows and understands that. A human body does not need another human body to live. Life is all one human needs to live. So long as they are immortal, one human can live forever in solitude. He knows that it is impossible to die of loneliness or a broken heart or jealousy or the never-yielding, constant craving of touch. It is all very scientific, really, and he has told himself so many times, 'you can live without him.' It is his own personal mantra, mumbled to himself when caught up in his bed sheets and curled up in his longing for the most beautiful man in the world.

He has always thought of himself as self-sufficient, and he knows it is true. He could survive on his own. He needs no one else. His mantra comes back every night to guide him, to keep him alive, and to haunt him. You want no one else. You can live without him. But that doesn't stop him craving his master more than he has ever craved life. He has wanted nothing more than to feel pale hands over his neck, his chest, his waist… He wants those pale hands everywhere. He has only ever wanted to know what it would be like to kiss his master. He has tried to imagine it, of course.

He guesses it would be terrifying for the first second (someone might see us. why is he doing this? is there an ulterior motive that I have not thought of? am I going to die for allowing this? does he want this? am I allowed to want this as badly as I do?) and then his mind would go blank because Orochimaru-sama's lips would be so soft and gentle and Kabuto would be surprised of that. Then his master would push harder, and attishoo, attishoo, they'd all fall down. Onto a bed, or a desk, Kabuto knows he'd never care about where they were. All he knows that he is sure it would be better than any drug, and far more addictive. He is already addicted, and he has never tasted the toxin.

He had always considered himself a rational man. And then he started to want this and then to crave this and then to utterly need this. The first time he cried over it, he knew he was going insane. A shinobi does not cry. A servant of Orochimaru-sama does not cry.

But apparently, some servants of Orochimaru-sama are rewarded with the most coveted of punishments. Everything Kabuto has ever cried over, those few have been given. They have been given birth and all of those infant cuts and scrapes that Kabuto had occasionally (rarely) shed tears over in his own infancy. They have all experienced the death of a loved one, and have all been scared of their own mortality. And they have felt pale hands over their small bodies and foreign lips on their own.

All Kabuto knows now, though, is that he is not being rational as he screams at the boy before him. He asks (yells) if it felt amazing when Orochimaru-sama touched him or kissed him or ran that tongue along his body. Kabuto asks if Zaku begged for it like a cheap whore, because he bets that the younger did. He screams at him – did you cry the first time it happened, because you know you just aren't worthy of it?

Zaku didn't know why Kabuto wanted what he had been given. He dreaded it every night it happened. He cried almost every time. He begged because he had to, because he knew if he complied then Orochimaru would be happier, more pleased with his loyal servant, and he would hold back just that tiny bit, to stop from hurting the younger male. It's never felt amazing, only terrifying. It's only ever felt like every nightmare he has ever dreamt has taken over his life.

When Zaku dies, Kabuto mourns for him. Because after that one time when he shouted at the other shinobi, he knew he would not do such a thing again to the boy. He had regained that slight bit of composture, of rationality. And now he has misplaced it again.

Orochimaru-sama has soon found a new favourite.

Kabuto knows that Kaguya Kimimaro has only taken Zaku's place, and he mourns for the diseased boy slightly, because he knows that Kimimaro would do anything to change it. He hopes that is true, anyway.

Because sometimes he thinks he sees the white-haired boy's eyes, so exotic and pretty, looking at him, smug and boasting. I've won the prize, I've won the prize. Wouldn't you love this? Aren't you jealous? Don't you just want to watch because you know that that's as close as you'll ever get to Him?But Kimimaro is just a child. He would not say that, he must be purer than that; he is only a child. But so is Kabuto.

Kimimaro soon dies and it is worse than it ever was when the boy was alive.

Kabuto wishes for nothing more than to grow numb. He is a medic nin. He can kill himself if he wishes. He does not know why he doesn't simply die. He has no clue as to what keeps him on this earth, none at all. Sometimes he thinks he knows the reason, but he never really does. It's always never quite true, or quite the whole story, or quite complex enough. He simply does not know why he keeps himself alive.

Sasuke is Orochimaru-sama's new favourite.

Kabuto cannot take this anymore.

The medic nin gets a cold soon after, and he does not think there can be a more perfect time. Orochimaru-sama is displeased; how could his healer get sick? It is too irresponsible!

But it the first time he has ever laughed while Orochimaru-sama has scolded him. In his head, he is singing.

Attishoo, attishoo, we all fall down.