Painful Tears and Longing Desires
written by aeyta
note. catherine and quatre angst.
---
I don't know how this happened.
I don't know how I got here.
I didn't think that this situation was even possible.
It's all Quatre's fault, he doesn't know how much I love him.
He doesn't know how I feel, he doesn't know that ever visit to his friend and every smile that is flashed makes my heart rise up and flutter and fly away, without me. My heart leaves me and it ignores my cries of protests, only going for the things that are right there, not thinking things over, causing me to be left here.
In shards.
In shards.
At first my poor mind is disillusioned and I am so happy, stuck in a wonderful bliss for all eternity, for that one moment. For that one time.
And then when my mind floats back to reality, my mind realizes what has happened and what has not happened and what is true, and what is not true. And I am left alone again, broken. Just shards of a person, just a shell of a person.
He never loved me, I never expected him to love me because I knew from the beginning he could never love me. I could see it in his eyes that he only respected me greatly and that I was one to be honored since I was so loved by Trowa.
And when Trowa died, there he was.
Always there.
Because he was keeping his promise to Trowa, his promise to make sure I am happy.
And I always did seem happy and I always was happy, my heart was happy, my mind was happy, and I felt light and thought I could fly. Thought I could fly around in the world and be there in the air, watching below and smiling, taunting the world, teasing and jesting since I was free.
All illusions.
Every single one.
Every single one of his goddamned beautiful smiles, his goddamned gentle looks, his goddamned voice, his goddamned laughter, his goddamned gentleness, his goddamned everything.
They were all illusions of my fantasy and they were all things I could never get, things I could only desire for and things I could only want, not get.
And when reality came back to me, it always hurt me. It hurt me full in the face and I could feel my poor heart literally breaking.
So every single night I lay on my poor bed, sobbing away and drenching my pillow with the mournfull tears, the broken tears. And I stay as broken shards once I used up all my tears for the day, and I lay there thinking about my pitiful life. Lay there thinking about how I could fall in love when I knew I shouldn't have fallen in love with him out of all people...
I was only a reminder of Trowa, I was only the honored thing that he had to protect above all things because I was the thing that Trowa loved most in this world.
And once Trowa had died, I pretty much died.
Then, my life shut down. The circus closed and I lived in a small dinky trailor with nothing but a few, precious possessions.
Then Quatre came to me, finding me in my trailor, sobbing in the pillow like always, threatening to kill myself because I've gone crazy. And he held me, stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and said he'd always be there for me.
Said he'd always love me, and somehow managed to glue me back together.
And then he came to love me ... as a sister. And I broke again.
It hurts most that he doesn't know I love him since no one knows I love him and I'm too gutless to tell him, to admit to him that I love him. Still, it is better that way because I know he doesn't love me. I could tell.
I'm so lonely.
My heart is lonely.
And I feel crazy.
No one to comfort me, no one to tell me they love me and kiss me and hug me and reassure me that I'm still alive. That I'm still sane. That I'm still here. That I'm still in touch with the world.
And Quatre has hardly the amount of time to visit me, he comes every once in a while and when he does come, he comes to talk about her and how he should propose to her. If he is yet ready to marry her.
He has no clue.
He has no fucking clue.
And I feel so jealous of that girl, Dorothy.
He says they're soulmates, that they're meant to be, that they love each other so much.
So.
Here I am, longing for desires I can not seem to get and shedding these painful tears like I always do.
Over and over again until I am a lifeless shell.
And now I have the guts to do it.
I've never had the guts to do anything, I'm not strong. People think of me as strong, but ... I'm not. I'm weak. I'm weak. And it hurts, knowing that I am a weak girl who can't do anything for herself.
I know this isn't right, I know that I should live on and find someone new, it's not like I'm going to love Quatre for the rest of my life.
But, still ... I feel as if my whole life has turned its back against me and though I know there is much for me to live for ... it's not enough and I find myself depressed and more depressed each day, putting on a fake, happy mask to the people around me.
And I'm weak.
I can't stand this life.
I can't stand the way I chose to live so I feel as if there isn't a way for me to live now.
So ...
I'm diving deeper into this endless oblivion where my happiness, though it isn't real, will surround me and I won't have to live like this anymore.
Live like nothing.
Cause I'm just shards now.
---
Quatre looked at the pieces of paper folded neatly, on the top it read, 'I'm Sorry.'
Quatre took the pieces of letter, reading them, his bright blue eyes widening and his face becoming paler and paler.
At her funeral, there were not many people.
Only the people who actually noticed she was gone and cared were there; him, Duo, Hilde, and Heero who had dropped by to give his regards. As well as Relena who was there with him, though she didn't know Catherine well. Duo and Hilde had met with Catherine a few times when Trowa was alive. Sally and Wufei came by as well, but they had never met the girl.
And when everyone had left, Quatre stood there as it started to pour.
Looking at her name, CATHERINE BLOOM, etched in the stone next to another stone which read, TROWA BARTON.
And he remembered Catherine when he first met her.
Quatre whispered one word before turning and leaving.
I could've loved you.
+++
A/N: okay, i know, really crappy. dont worry, only first draft. I didnt get to spell check it yet... sob.. dont hurt me.. please?
written by aeyta
note. catherine and quatre angst.
---
I don't know how this happened.
I don't know how I got here.
I didn't think that this situation was even possible.
It's all Quatre's fault, he doesn't know how much I love him.
He doesn't know how I feel, he doesn't know that ever visit to his friend and every smile that is flashed makes my heart rise up and flutter and fly away, without me. My heart leaves me and it ignores my cries of protests, only going for the things that are right there, not thinking things over, causing me to be left here.
In shards.
In shards.
At first my poor mind is disillusioned and I am so happy, stuck in a wonderful bliss for all eternity, for that one moment. For that one time.
And then when my mind floats back to reality, my mind realizes what has happened and what has not happened and what is true, and what is not true. And I am left alone again, broken. Just shards of a person, just a shell of a person.
He never loved me, I never expected him to love me because I knew from the beginning he could never love me. I could see it in his eyes that he only respected me greatly and that I was one to be honored since I was so loved by Trowa.
And when Trowa died, there he was.
Always there.
Because he was keeping his promise to Trowa, his promise to make sure I am happy.
And I always did seem happy and I always was happy, my heart was happy, my mind was happy, and I felt light and thought I could fly. Thought I could fly around in the world and be there in the air, watching below and smiling, taunting the world, teasing and jesting since I was free.
All illusions.
Every single one.
Every single one of his goddamned beautiful smiles, his goddamned gentle looks, his goddamned voice, his goddamned laughter, his goddamned gentleness, his goddamned everything.
They were all illusions of my fantasy and they were all things I could never get, things I could only desire for and things I could only want, not get.
And when reality came back to me, it always hurt me. It hurt me full in the face and I could feel my poor heart literally breaking.
So every single night I lay on my poor bed, sobbing away and drenching my pillow with the mournfull tears, the broken tears. And I stay as broken shards once I used up all my tears for the day, and I lay there thinking about my pitiful life. Lay there thinking about how I could fall in love when I knew I shouldn't have fallen in love with him out of all people...
I was only a reminder of Trowa, I was only the honored thing that he had to protect above all things because I was the thing that Trowa loved most in this world.
And once Trowa had died, I pretty much died.
Then, my life shut down. The circus closed and I lived in a small dinky trailor with nothing but a few, precious possessions.
Then Quatre came to me, finding me in my trailor, sobbing in the pillow like always, threatening to kill myself because I've gone crazy. And he held me, stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and said he'd always be there for me.
Said he'd always love me, and somehow managed to glue me back together.
And then he came to love me ... as a sister. And I broke again.
It hurts most that he doesn't know I love him since no one knows I love him and I'm too gutless to tell him, to admit to him that I love him. Still, it is better that way because I know he doesn't love me. I could tell.
I'm so lonely.
My heart is lonely.
And I feel crazy.
No one to comfort me, no one to tell me they love me and kiss me and hug me and reassure me that I'm still alive. That I'm still sane. That I'm still here. That I'm still in touch with the world.
And Quatre has hardly the amount of time to visit me, he comes every once in a while and when he does come, he comes to talk about her and how he should propose to her. If he is yet ready to marry her.
He has no clue.
He has no fucking clue.
And I feel so jealous of that girl, Dorothy.
He says they're soulmates, that they're meant to be, that they love each other so much.
So.
Here I am, longing for desires I can not seem to get and shedding these painful tears like I always do.
Over and over again until I am a lifeless shell.
And now I have the guts to do it.
I've never had the guts to do anything, I'm not strong. People think of me as strong, but ... I'm not. I'm weak. I'm weak. And it hurts, knowing that I am a weak girl who can't do anything for herself.
I know this isn't right, I know that I should live on and find someone new, it's not like I'm going to love Quatre for the rest of my life.
But, still ... I feel as if my whole life has turned its back against me and though I know there is much for me to live for ... it's not enough and I find myself depressed and more depressed each day, putting on a fake, happy mask to the people around me.
And I'm weak.
I can't stand this life.
I can't stand the way I chose to live so I feel as if there isn't a way for me to live now.
So ...
I'm diving deeper into this endless oblivion where my happiness, though it isn't real, will surround me and I won't have to live like this anymore.
Live like nothing.
Cause I'm just shards now.
---
Quatre looked at the pieces of paper folded neatly, on the top it read, 'I'm Sorry.'
Quatre took the pieces of letter, reading them, his bright blue eyes widening and his face becoming paler and paler.
At her funeral, there were not many people.
Only the people who actually noticed she was gone and cared were there; him, Duo, Hilde, and Heero who had dropped by to give his regards. As well as Relena who was there with him, though she didn't know Catherine well. Duo and Hilde had met with Catherine a few times when Trowa was alive. Sally and Wufei came by as well, but they had never met the girl.
And when everyone had left, Quatre stood there as it started to pour.
Looking at her name, CATHERINE BLOOM, etched in the stone next to another stone which read, TROWA BARTON.
And he remembered Catherine when he first met her.
Quatre whispered one word before turning and leaving.
I could've loved you.
+++
A/N: okay, i know, really crappy. dont worry, only first draft. I didnt get to spell check it yet... sob.. dont hurt me.. please?