So, there is nothing quite like the feeling of posting the first thing you've written in months immediately after reading much better stories in your chosen pairing. As Isabela would say: Balls.

These first two chapters are too wordy with the descriptive text, I know, but I believe they put you squarely where I want our people to be. Just call me Exposition Girl. Expect more dialogue in future chapters though. Don't have a beta, mistakes are my own. Don't own it (as if anyone would think I did if I didn't post the disclaimer.)

1.

The strains of an exquisitely played waltz drifted out the doors of Halamshiral (he could never bring himself to call this place "The Winter Palace") and Solas watched himself from the shadows as he danced with Ellana in his arms on the balcony. The candlelight that reflected off the silly jewel from his cap onto her hair caused fairy lights to sparkle there, but soaked like blood into the ridiculous military style uniforms they both wore. There was, however, a lovely light shining up at him from her eyes, from her smile.

Closing his eyes and breathing deeply, he imagined that he could still smell the heady perfume of her warm skin, scented with the Crystal Grace based fragrance she favored. His second favorite memory of her, that dance. Giving in to melancholy, on his left he brought up the least favorite memory. When compared to the happiness on her face during the dance, the heartbreak he had caused to be written there the night he'd erased her culture, erased her vallaslin and erased himself from her life seemed all the more out of place.

Angry at himself for the millionth time since he'd returned her kiss during their Fadewalk through Haven, his memories of their time together threw themselves up around him, seemingly at random. Faster and faster until he was surrounded by blurred images and the steady hum of her voice talking over itself until he couldn't understand the words, could only soak in the constant happy warmth of her tone.

A change in the air alerted him and the images, the sounds of the best and worst days of his life disappeared instantly, leaving him surrounded by darkness in an empty corner of the Fade. The resulting blindness was temporary but so appropriate. Solas pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger to help relieve a sudden headache but the gesture was meant to convey his annoyance. If it kept his visitor from noticing a certain sheen in his eyes, so much the better.

"Cole." He nodded a greeting to the persistent spirit.

"Nug balls licker." Said politely as if discussing pleasant weather, oddly enough.

Solas choked out his surprise. "Ah. I see Varric's lessons continue."

Though he deeply resented the intrusion into his private places in the Fade-the only time he was ever completely alone anymore-part of him was relieved to see Cole. The elf had tried ordering this spirit of compassion to forget him, but being around anyone who remembered Solas at all triggered the return of those memories for Cole and the efforts proved pointless. Not to mention hazardous to Cole's mental health. He'd never told himself it was a good plan.

Only once had Solas asked Cole to make Ellana forget him, forget them. For all that the lecture which then followed was disjointed and politely delivered, Cole recounted each past instance when it would have been possible for Solas to end his deceit. To be honest with the people who considered themselves his friends, not to mention the woman that loved him. To move forward with truth between them all, knowing that trust would rebuild itself out of the understanding that would follow. And twisted that particular knife by pointing out the solution to whatever problem he had would most likely not have simply shattered on the ground.

Cole had then made it obvious that he was disappointed and angry at Solas on many levels for the way the elf had handled all the many facets of his leaving the Inquisition and Inquisitor. And especially obvious that the spirit felt a sense of hurt and betrayal at his friend's own abuse of Cole's trust and mental faculties that he was unsure how to handle. Hence the ongoing swearing lessons from Varric.

Cole frowned, more out of confusion than anything. "They do. It doesn't make me feel any better but he promises it will once I get it right. I'm to talk to his friend Isabella about it when she visits."

Solas clasped his hands behind his back and nodded. "I see. And what brings you to visit me tonight?"

Cole gave a sad smile. "I'm waiting for her to fall asleep." There was an unspoken agreement between them that Ellana's name should never be mentioned aloud on these rare nights that Cole happened to find him lest it call her to them with the remarkably targeted dreaming abilities the anchor gave her. Cole's main purpose-now that the world had been saved from Corypheus yet threatened to topple under the weight of minutiae-was to watch the Inquisitor from the Fade as she slept. To chase away bad dreams was all Cole would say. That he meant dreams about Solas went unsaid.

"Awake at this late hour? Is all well?" Solas knew he had no right to ask, no right to the concern and longing he still felt. The best thing about the visits with Cole were that the subtleties of verbal communication generally escaped him. A casual comment meant no more to Cole than an impassioned plea if the emotion behind it was carefully concealed.

Cole shrugged. "A fresh injury keeping her awake. I believe the sleeping draught will work soon and I will have to go."

"An injury? Is it serious? Is she alright?" Solas did not attempt to hide the concern in his voice, Cole would have felt the flare of it pour off him at the word 'injury' no matter how he tried to hide it.

"I do not understand." Cole narrowed his gaze on Solas and practically growled. "You feel more for her than anything in or out of the Fade. But Leliana says you cling stubbornly to an ancient agenda that you alone decided must keep you apart. As if some grand plan of yours to restore the elves after thousands of years couldn't share time with the rebuilding of Thedas. A job the woman you love is expected to accomplish virtually single handed.

Her burden is greater, more urgent than yours and yet you abandoned her when she most needed you. Of course, you first informed her that the Dalish had their "ancient ways" completely wrong and therefore the foundation of everything she believed of herself and her people was a lie. And the truth you offered was something that would destroy them if they ever knew. She would never have done that to you. You do not deserve her." (Without a doubt, those were Leliana's exact words. The sanctimonious little thorn in his side.)

Cole wrapped his arms around himself as if he were trying to squeeze his words to a stop. With a sigh, he shared the truth a mortal would keep to themselves. "And yet still she would be happiest if you came back."

After a deep breath, he spoke again, more to himself this time. "I have said too much and yet not enough, never enough. I am bound by both sides, can't help the hurt." He tilted his head to the side as if listening. "She is here, and I must go. But first..."

Without even a flick of his hand, Cole threw the memory of the dance at Hilamshiral back up for Solas to view, as a portrait of the moment when her love for him had shined from her eyes for all to see. Cole traced his hand around the curve of her face, dust motes proving the image to be made of light and not form. "A rogue is not that cannot fly. Nor dance. Wing away on joy? Too heavy. Sink beneath in sorrow? Too light, too soon. Cleave, reave, bend or break. Fight, move, don't think. Herald, Inquisitor, Avatar. One or all tears the hummingbird apart just the same." And with that cryptic remark, he was gone.

Solas supposed it was fitting that the only two secrets he knew of that the sweetly naive Cole had ever managed to keep were the promise he himself had extracted from the spirit to never tell Ellana they met some nights in the Fade, and the promise Cole had given to the Inquisitor never to tell Solas about what he was doing for her if ever Cole saw him, tied together as they were by Cole's protective amulet.

Alone again, Solas stared at the image in front of him and sighed. Then to add insult to injury, he found that whatever Cole had done to put the image up, Solas couldn't counter it to take it down. He could have used some of Varric's lessons himself right about then. Giving in, he simply stared at her face and sighed. "Nug balls licker."