Even before his family moved to South Park, Douchebag didn't talk much. Some might call him cripplingly antisocial, but what was there to say when you could barely remember a thing? He didn't have a past or stories or experiences to share. Of course all of that changed drastically in the first few days in his new town, but even then, who in their right mind would talk about any of that?
'Why yes I was abducted by aliens as a matter of fact, I even have a souvenir from the whole excursion' isn't something you would catch him sharing. 'I watched my parents have sex for an achievement' was not a decent statement in any conversation. And he would never, ever, ever talk about how exactly it was that he met Mr. Hat.
No, after going along with the entirety of his adventure, there was just one thing worth saying: "Screw you guys, I'm going home." And good riddance. If he never hung out with them again, it would be too soon.
Still, he'd try not to be too jaded to the town as a whole. South Park was his home now, and despite the past three days, he knew it wasn't all bad. The cute blonde girl he crossed paths with on the way home, for instance.
She smiled shyly as her eyes met his, both of them slowing down to a stop in the sidewalk when they neared each other.
"Hi," Annie said with another small smile.
Douchebag smiled back. He liked Annie. She was sweet, she was pretty, she was kind – and unless he was wildly mistaken, she liked him too. Maybe there was more than one thing worth saying.
"So the game is over now, I guess?" She lifted a finger to twirl through one of her many curls, eyes on her feet as she shuffled nervously. "It was a lot of fun playing with you. I- I mean!" she looked up quickly, a light pink tinge spreading across her cheeks, "the game, playing the game, with you and the boys and, you know what I mean, right?"
He should really make an effort to reassure her right now, but he couldn't help it, this was adorable. She was adorable. Besides, something about his expression must have set her at ease, because a moment later her smile returned and her shoulders relaxed.
"You're not like other boys, you know? You're deep, you're mature; I feel like I can talk to you about anything. Even when I'm just being, um, me," she chuckled bashfully and went back to avoiding his eyes, though her fidgeting had gone down. "I know you don't really have a reason to come hang out with us girls anymore, but if you ever want to… o-or, if you ever want to hang out with just me, I," this must be where her boldness met its limit, for she cast him another quick, almost fearful glance as her face flushed a deeper scarlet. "I'm sorry, that's stupid, there's no way you could ever like- I- I should go!"
She started rushing past him but Douchebag turned quickly. "Annie."
The blonde gasped, freezing mid-step. Slowly she shifted to look back at him, eyes wide with shock.
His response was a calm smile. "Go out with me."
She didn't reply right away, but that was fine. He knew he caught her off-guard, so he was more than okay with giving her a moment if she needed it.
"Wow," she said finally, "I can't believe it. You really... aren't as hot as I thought you were."
This time it was Douchebag that faltered, because, "what?"
"It's like everything about you that was cool and attractive just isn't there anymore." As if confirming this, she gave him a once-over and shuddered.
How was this happening? "But you were just- but, you liked me!"
"I liked Justin Bieber too," she said with an unrepentant shrug. Fucking, ouch. "Yeah, sorry, it's not going to work out. Bye!" Then she fled in no time at all, leaving a properly speechless Douchebag in the middle of the sidewalk.
He didn't know how long he just stood there, dumbfounded, but eventually a familiar voice brought him out of his stupor.
"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples~ Loo loo loo, you've got some too! Loo loo loo, let's- aw, hey there Douchebag!" Butters joined him with a friendly smile. "Wow, you look awful sore. There there, little buddy," he patted him on the back, "what's the matter?"
"Annie just rejected me," he said blankly.
Butters stared at him for a few moments, then chuckled. "Well of course she did Douchebag, gosh, when did you become such a fuckin' pussy? You've changed, fella," he said cheerfully. "Don't sit with me at school, okay? Bye!" He waved and merrily wandered off.
…
Motherfucker.
"Kid, do you mind not standing in the middle of the sidewalk? You're not retarded, are you?"
"Huh?" Douchebag thought he'd been left alone, but when he looked up there was suddenly a group of five guys looking back down at him.
"Oh, he's not a retard, just a loser," one of the others seemed to realize.
"Hey, you're right. What a little douchebag," another agreed.
That's it; he didn't have to take this. "The joke's on you, assholes, that's practically my name!"
This was met with blank, unimpressed stares. "You seriously let people call you 'douchebag'? Jeez, this might be the lamest kid I've ever seen."
"Yeah, let's go guys. What a little faggot."
Douchebag clenched his fists tightly as they walked off. "Screw you, Radiohead!"
Okay, on second thought? Fuck South Park. He was moving again.