"I like your house", Kathryn told.
"Thanks", Chakotay replied with a smile. "I have been renovating this place for two months now and I think I am finally more or less done."
"Keeping busy, huh?"
"I guess so. Once I understood that there are no more reports to write or duty shifts to organize, I needed something to do, something completely different. So I got this house and started working. Besides, it was more than just renovation for me – it was a rite of transition in a way."
"I can imagine that", Kathryn said and smiled faintly. "Getting used to living here again instead on starship is easier said than done. It takes time. But I think we are getting there."
Chakotay nodded. He smiled faintly, but there was no joy in his dark eyes. Instead there were doubt and concern. Kathryn didn't notice it, though, but on the other hand she didn't seem to notice many things tonight. Chakotay couldn't help but wonder if something was wrong.
This was the first time he and Kathryn had gotten together since the court martial that had taken place ten weeks earlier. Chakotay had waited a night like this patiently. He had missed her presence in his life. But Kathryn had kept herself busy and during the past few weeks the news broadcasts had been the only way for him to see her face. She was constantly running from one place to another. There seemed to be lectures, meetings, festivities and other events that required her presence. So making calls via computer had proven to be futile way to reach her. But he had been persistent and left her couple of messages, inviting her to have a dinner with him some day. He had not known if she had even gotten his messages, until she had finally called him back yesterday.
She had come about thirty minutes ago and the moment he had seen her standing on his doorstep, his heart had been filled with contentment. He wasn't willing to analyze it further right now, to find an explanation what was the possible meaning of the sensation, but he knew he wouldn't ignore it anymore. She still had that kind of power over him and perhaps one day he would have the opportunity to explore it further. But now he wanted to enjoy her company. It almost felt like they were back in the Delta Quadrant again.
Almost. Unlike on Voyager, she was wearing a black dress now, which above-knee hemline flattered her legs. Yes, he had noticed. How could he not? Her hair was bound in a low loose chignon and the scent of her perfume teased his senses. But it wasn't just how she looked that made his head spin, it was also her presence. When she had arrived, she had been full of live, like she sometimes had been when making a new scientific discovery. Her blue eyes had sparkled and her smile had brightened the room.
It had been about thirty minutes ago, but now all the energy was gone. Now that they sat at the dinner table, there was no spark of joy in her eyes; there was something he had not seen before. And he wasn't imagining it; he knew what he saw. And it worried him.
"What is it Kathryn?" he finally asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked in return and Chakotay couldn't help but notice how she avoided looking him in the eyes.
"Are you feeling well?"
"I'm fine."
"You have hardly touched you dinner."
"I'm sorry", Kathryn sighed. "I have a slight stomach ache. It's nothing serious, but I think I have lost my appetite."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I am sorry. You went through all this trouble…"
"Have you been eating well?"
"Excuse me?" Kathryn asked slightly amused.
"You have lost some weight."
Kathryn chuckled. "Chakotay, talking about woman's weight is not exactly the most sophisticated topic of conversation…"
"I know, I know", Chakotay admitted with a smile. "But I guess old habits die hard."
"And what habit would it be?"
"Me looking after you."
Kathryn smiled and nodded, and a moment of silence fell upon them. But something caught Chakotay's eye. It was Kathryn whose left leg moved restlessly while crossed over the right one.
An empty feeling filled his chest. Chakotay sighed and placed his napkin next to his plate. Kathryn didn't seem to notice him at all. She didn't even look up when he got up to his feet, took his chair and walked to her. Finally when he set his chair next to her and sat down, she turned her face to him and looked at him with confusion.
"What's wrong?" he asked once he was seated again.
"Nothing is wrong", Kathryn told.
"Yes there is", Chakotay said calmly. "I know you Kathryn. I have watched you seven years up close and learnt to read your face. And what I see right now worries me."
"Chakotay… "
"So what is it?"
"I… I don't know what to say", she replied.
"If there is something wrong, I wish you would tell me. You should know that you can still trust me."
"Of course I trust you Chakotay…"
"Then please – tell me. Tell me what is going on."
"I honestly don't know what you mean", Kathryn told, but Chakotay was able to tell that she had become nervous; even more nervous than she had been a moment ago.
"What is it?" Chakotay asked again.
"There is nothing wrong", Kathryn assured. "Nothing. I am just a little tired. It takes awhile until I can wind down after a long day. And it has been a long day; long week even."
"Yes", Chakotay said. "You have certainly been busy lately. How long have your workdays been lately– ten, twelve hours?"
"Your point?"
"You are working too much."
"For the time being perhaps", Kathryn admitted. "But it is going to get easier in next couple of months or so."
"Is it?"
"I'm sure it is."
"Starfleet is not going to say no, if you want to give them more than they are asking for."
"I know", Kathryn said. "And I know my schedule has been somewhat demanding, but it is going to change soon."
"When exactly?" Chakotay asked.
Kathryn sighed and Chakotay couldn't help but notice a sliver of defiance in her eyes.
"Are you planning to take a vacation?" he asked then.
"Why are you interrogating me?" Kathryn asked instead.
"Like I said – I am worried about you."
"And I am touched", Kathryn told, "but I am fine Chakotay. There is no need for concern and there is no need for you to question me like this. I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I'm afraid it is misplaced."
"Yet there is this wall around you", Chakotay said.
"A wall?"
"Yes and it hasn't been here before during our dinners. You haven't been like this before."
"Look - I am a little stressed, but otherwise I am fine."
"You have been stressed before, but not like this…"
"I am fine", Kathryn told again, sighed and placed her napkin on the table. She was clearly irritated, which surprised Chakotay even more. Kathryn was usually more patient than this.
Chakotay sighed. He was at a loss of words.
"Maybe I should leave", Kathryn suggested.
"Why?"
"Why?" she asked and got up on her feet.
Chakotay stood up as well. But when Kathryn was about to turn around and leave, he suddenly grabbed her right arm and turned her around to face him.
"Chakotay…?" Kathryn asked confused.
"Look at me", Chakotay demanded.
"What…?"
"Look at me", he told again.
Kathryn tried to pull away, but before she even realized, he had taken her face between her hands and started to stare her. Kathryn wanted to avoid his dark eyes, but he made it impossible.
And what Chakotay saw confirmed his suspicions. He was not imagining this and he certainly was not paranoid. Kathryn's face was, without a doubt, flushed and her pupils were visibly dilated.
Chakotay let her go and sighed. "You are on stims", he said then.
No answer. The air between them got quickly heavy and cold.
"Are you using stimulants Kathryn?" he asked then.
She didn't say a word. But she couldn't look at him either.
"Why?" Chakotay asked then. "Why Kathryn?"
No answer.
"What do you use?" he asked then. "And where have you gotten it?"
Kathryn sighed. She stood her back against him and watched the cupboards in Chakotay's kitchen.
"Kathryn?" he asked again. "Answer me please."
"About stimulants?"
"Yes, if you are using them and I think that you are. So tell me – what are you taking and where do you get them?"
Kathryn sighed again. Chakotay took a step closer, placed his hands on her shoulders and said quietly: "Just talk to me, Kathryn and tell me why. Help me understand this, because you are the last person on this planet I would have expected to do something like this."
"There isn't much to tell."
"Maybe, but I need something. I need you to talk to me. I don't want you to keep this to yourself. You don't have to keep this to yourself."
"I do", she whispered. "And I am still in control Chakotay. I know what I do. And I am solving this matter alone."
"If that was true, you would have done it already", he said. "But you are on drugs right now, Kathryn."
No answer.
"Why…? Just tell me why."
"You have to understand…", she began. "That it is very easy for me to find a doctor on this planet… who doesn't say no."
"I see", Chakotay said and the disappointment in his voice was impossible to ignore.
"I think I better go", Kathryn said then.
"I think you should stay", Chakotay said instead. "Especially now."
"I don't want to talk about this Chakotay", she told.
"But you need to", he said and turned her around to face him. There were tears in her eyes. "Haven't you isolated yourself enough already? Keeping this secret from the rest of the world, smiling in the public eyes pretending there is nothing wrong. But there must be something really wrong here, because the woman I have know for seven years is standing before my eyes now, yet I don't seem to know this version of her at all. You are here, but you are million miles away. So let me in, Kathryn. It's me."
"This is personal and extremely private", she told seriously.
"Private? For how long?" Chakotay asked then. "How long do you think you can hide this? How long before the media starts to spread the news that the almighty Admiral Janeway is on drugs?"
"I am not an addict", she informed angrily.
"It is a nasty word, isn't it?"
"What do you want me to say Chakotay?" she asked then. "Fine – I took a stimulant today, but you know what – it has been a long day and because I know I was coming here tonight, I wanted to be alert. I did not want to fall asleep before the dessert."
"How are you going to sleep at all tonight?" Chakotay asked then. "Or is this how you get your duties done – being awake days in a row? Is that your secret? Because it seems to me that you have been constantly awake, running from one place to another, keeping yourself busy. People wonder where you get your energy from, they look up to you. Well, I guess I don't have to wonder anymore about that. But when do you sleep Kathryn?"
"I sleep just fine", she snapped.
"After stims? Just like that? I don't think so", Chakotay said. "If you have taken 'upsers', you must take some 'downers" too if you wish to sleep at all. So are you? Are you taking both stimulants and sedatives Kathryn?"
Kathryn sighed.
"Fine", Chakotay said. "You may have wrapped some doctors around your finger, but I am not willing to negotiate on this. So here are two simple choices - you either tell me now what I need to know or I will drag you to a doctor of my choice."
"I am leaving", Kathryn snapped.
"You are not leaving Kathryn."
"I don't want to argue or fight with you Chakotay!"
"Well, we are now. We are! And it's about the time someone tells you what to do."
"I don't believe this", Kathryn fumed. "Goodbye Chakotay."
But Chakotay didn't give up so easily. He rushed to the door and blocked her way.
"Tell me or tell a doctor. Your pick, Kathryn."
"Get out of my way Chakotay."
"So we are going to a doctor now? Fine. I have no way of telling how much stims you have taken today, but I guess we are about to find out."
Anger flared in Kathryn's eyes.
"You are not feeling well, Kathryn" Chakotay said then more calmly. "You are not really even here with me now. So how much have you taken today? Is this you on a verge of over-dose or are you experiencing withdrawals?"
"Chakotay!"
"Tell me what it is or I am taking you to a doctor one way or another", Chakotay told again.
Kathryn hesitated for a moment. "Fine", she finally said and wiped a tear from her check.
She tried her hardest to keep her face as neutral as possible, but there were more tears emerging, which burned in her eyes even more.
"Are you addicted?" Chakotay asked then. It was a simple question and Chakotay was already certain what the answer would be, but he wanted to hear it from her. And she needed to say it.
She was hesitant and Chakotay knew from the look on her face how difficult it was for her to form an answer. She was a proud woman, respected and admired. How could a woman like her be so flawed after all? How could a respected public figure like her done something like this? Those were the questions she must have asked herself. Chakotay on the other hand had never expected her to be perfect, but she demanded that from herself. And that was the reason why she had difficulties to answer his question.
"I am", she finally told and closed her eyes. Tears dropped on her cheeks. "I am addicted to stimulants. I am Chakotay…"
Chakotay stepped closer and took her hand. She was shivering.
"I am Chakotay", she said again and her face was twisted in sorrow. She dropped her head. Shame was a heavy burden to carry.
"You don't have to be", Chakotay told then with a whisper. "You know that, don't you?"
"I don't know that Chakotay", she whispered. "All I know that I am in this deep dark hole and I have no sense of direction. Part of me is screaming the obvious answer to this; that I should just stop, but I have become so weak."
Chakotay took a deep breath. "Come on", he said then. "Let's go to the couch."
Kathryn opened her eyes and nodded. Chakotay, still holding her hand, guided her to the living room. Once there Kathryn sat down and Chakotay took a seat next to her."
"Who knows about this?" he asked then.
"No one", she told. "I can tell no one. And I wouldn't have told you either."
"I know."
"It's just that…"
"What?"
"I… I cannot stop Chakotay. I want to, but I can't. Do you think that I don't know what this is doing to me? Do you think I wanted this to happen? No. I am wiser than this, Chakotay. I know better than this. But here I am… my body is twisting and my mind is blurring, because it is almost time to get a fix of ambizine."
"Ambizine?" Chakotay asked. "That is a sedative."
"It started with that", Kathryn told.
"You weren't sleeping well?"
"After our return I hardly slept at all", Kathryn told. "At nights I was always so tired, so utterly exhausted, but I just couldn't sleep. I tried; I tried so damn hard Chakotay. But after ten days without good sleep, I couldn't take it anymore. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn't take it. I felt that I was slowly going out of my mind. Finally I went to a doctor."
"And he gave you ambizine."
"Yes. And for the first time in days I slept almost ten hours. It was like a gift from heaven! Instead of staying wake whole night through listening silence and wondering about life, I was finally able to sleep. You cannot image the relief I felt after that night. Things started finally go my way and I felt like I could accomplish anything."
"But you didn't stop taking it?"
"I took ambizine for three nights in a row. Only three nights, that was my plan. It was never my intention to use it more than occasionally. But once the fourth night came, I was yet again in the square one – lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I must have waited for five hours, until I finally took the hypospray out of my night table drawer. I had an important day coming and I needed to sleep; that was how I reasoned it, even though I knew I needed to cut down the use. And before I knew I was taking it every single night, making false promises to myself that this night would be the last one. But I know now that it is a lie. I have told that same lie to myself hundred times already."
Chakotay sighed and nodded.
"So…", Kathryn continued, "… more ambizine I took, more difficult it was for me to get up from the bed in the mornings. I tried to clear my head with an extra cup of coffee, but after ambizine… it had a same effect than a class of water would have had. Caffeine has no effect on me anymore, not after my body has gotten used to ambizine."
"So you started to inject yourself with stimulants."
"I debated that decision for days", she told. "Because I have always been extremely cautious with stimulants. I don't like them, I didn't want to take them on Voyager either, but I didn't take ambizine there either. And I needed to stay awake. I needed to be clear my head before stepping out of my door. So I started to lie myself again, telling the same lie again and again."
Chakotay took a deep breath. It wasn't easy for him to hear her confession.
"Just this once", Kathryn said then. "Just this once, because I have an important meeting today. Just this once, because I have a lecture in San Francisco and there are couple hundred eager cadets waiting for me. I cannot let them down. Just this once, because I have to be sharp at the Banquet, since the press is there as well and the cameras are going to be on my face."
Chakotay nodded.
"There is no right time for me to be tired, Chakotay", Kathryn told. "I cannot be tired. But I am. I am tired, because I cannot sleep. And without stimulants ambizine keeps me tired for the rest of the day; my dosage has increased so much. And more ambizine I take more stimulants I need. I cannot wait hours to wake up when I need to be on duty at seven o'clock in the mornings. So it's a vicious circle and I am trapped. This is like a prison for me, but unlike a convict, I don't know when this stops. There is no end to this sentence."
"There is an end", Chakotay told. "Because you have to know that you cannot continue like this", Chakotay told.
"I know…"
"Even if no one ever found out about this, you are still constantly harming yourself. You are slowly killing yourself Kathryn and I cannot just sit here and watch it happen."
"I cannot ask help", Kathryn said seriously. "I cannot make this public. I can't. Can you imagine the headlines? Media would have a field day on my expanse. They would eat me alive. Just imagine the embarrassment our crew would feel? I don't want them to go through that kind of public humiliation. And what about my family? My mom has gone through more than enough in her lifetime. I cannot do this to her. I won't do this to her. And what about Phoebe and her children? Have you any idea how proud my niece and nephew are of their aunt who was the captain of USS Voyager? I can't even image the how they would suffer, if the public knew about this. So no Chakotay – no one can now about this. Not now, not ever."
Chakotay sighed.
"There have been so many nights when I have been full of determination and I have tried to go without another shot. I have promised myself again and again that I will never take another hit again; that I would rather stay awake for another ten days in a row than continue like this. But this is beyond my will, Chakotay. This has nothing to do with determination or will anymore. I have no power to stop this."
"Yes you do", Chakotay said. "But not without making some changes."
"What changes?"
"Take a leave of absence from Starfleet", Chakotay said.
"What?"
"Take some time off."
Kathryn sighed.
"What is so important tomorrow for instance, that cannot wait?"
No answer.
"You have to let go from this sense of duty of yours", he told then. "It is blinding you right now. And that is something you have not been able to do yet, isn't it?"
Kathryn wiped her tears again.
"You don't have to serve Starfleet 24/7 anymore. Starfleet can do without you."
"But can I do without Starfleet?" she asked then. "As sad and pathetic it may sound, Starfleet is all I have left, Chakotay."
"I don't believe that is true", he told. "You just have to learn seeing beyond that. I renovated this house; that was my rite or transition. You have to find your own way and go through it."
Kathryn stared her hands and nodded.
"Couple of weeks ago you said in an interview that a crew of a star ship is not there for the captain, but the captain is there for the crew."
"Yes I said that."
"So the past years you were serving your crew, giving them your best. But the crew is not here anymore, yet you keep on giving. When are you going to put yourself first Kathryn? When are you going to give your best to you?"
"I don't know what I want", she told then. "And it is not that I don't love my work, because I do."
"I know, but you cannot give your best, if you don't take care of yourself. You have to realize that. But with ambizine and stimulants you are going to fall. Your life has only one direction with them and that is towards the worse."
"I know…"
"This is the moment when you have to decide what you want. Do you want this to stop?"
"Yes."
"Then you must do what it takes, Kathryn."
"I don't know what it takes", she told. "That is the problem. If I knew what to do, I would have already done it."
"That is not true. You have known what to do all the time, but you have put your sense of duty and even your pride first. That path has come to an end now. I won't allow you to continue on it anymore. So now you need to decide you are going to do about this."
"I don't know…"
"Then let's find out", he said.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't want this to become public, yet if you go home, you are going to open your night table drawer again in order to sleep. We both know it is going to happen."
"Most likely", Kathryn admitted.
"So stay here", Chakotay said. "Clear your calendar for the rest of the week and stay here."
"What…?"
"Inform Starfleet that you are taking few days off. If you want to get over this, you have to take time out and I rather see you taking it here. There are no drugs in this house."
"I cannot do that to you", Kathryn said. "And once the withdrawals begin… I honestly don't want you to see me that way."
"What you want and what you need are two different things", Chakotay reminded. "No one wants to experience pain when there is a way to avoid it, but this time you need to feel it Kathryn."
Kathryn thought about his words for a moment until said: "I can't Chakotay."
"You can't what?"
"Not tonight."
"Why?"
"It's just that…"
"No", he cut her off. "No. No excuses, Kathryn. Now it is the time to make the change. You are not in the rock bottom just yet and you don't have to be."
"I'm not in the rock bottom? How much lower can I possibly get?" she asked and wiped her tears again.
"Believe me; much lower" Chakotay told seriously. "So don't let this get it that far. Stop this now, Kathryn, now before you get any worse. There is no way I will let you out of that door and continue like this, when I know that you can stop this right here and now."
Kathryn smiled faintly.
"Stay here and you have no other choice but to go through this night without any drugs. There are no drugs here, or are there?"
Kathryn turned her face away.
Chakotay took a deep breath. "There are?"
"My purse", Kathryn said while avoiding looking into his eyes.
Chakotay got up on his feet, walked to the table and took Kathryn's black purse. He opened it and found two hyposprays.
"And these would be?" he asked.
"Formazine and hyperzine", Kathryn told.
"Right", Chakotay sighed and placed the black purse back on the table.
"15 ccs of formazine and 25 ccs of hyperzine – the perfect cocktail to get up from the bed", she told. "And if I need an extra boost during the day, 10ccs of hyperzine will do the trick."
Chakotay couldn't help but to shake his head slightly. This was horrible, simply dreadful. He looked at the hyposprays in his hand and he couldn't help feeling anger towards them, even though they were mere objects without a mind of their own. But they were poison. They were the means of Kathryn slowly killing herself. And she needed them; she had needed both of them today, yesterday, and during so many days before.
Chakotay walked to the replicator, placed the hyposprays on it, and activated the recycle sequence without a doubt in his mind. In few seconds the stimulants were gone.
"It is going to be a long night for you if I stay", Kathryn warned then.
"Then it will be a long night."
"I will be sick."
"Then you will be sick."
"I don't know if I want to do this", she whispered then.
"You need to do this", he told quietly as he walked to the couch again.
"It… scares me. I am truly… afraid."
"We are doing this together", Chakotay reminded. "You don't have to go through this alone."
Kathryn nodded and a tear dropped from her eye. "God I feel so… weak and small right now", she told. "And ashamed. I don't even want to look in your eyes."
Chakotay sat next to her again and touched her arm.
"I have done a mistake… "she said then. "I hate it. I hate to be wrong."
"Forgive yourself", he told.
"I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. At least not yet."
Chakotay placed his hand under her chin and lifted her head. Then he looked deep into her blue eyes and asked: "Do you want to waste your energy on self blame or do you want to win this?"
Kathryn smiled faintly. "I want to win."
Chakotay returned her smile. "Then we are going to win", he whispered.
* * *
It had been a restless night so far. Chakotay didn't know the time, but he guess it was something between two and three in the morning. He sat in the corner of his bedroom and kept his eyes on the bed. Kathryn breathed heavily.
Chakotay was still shocked. In the silence of his bedroom he had had plenty of time to think through what he had learnt tonight. It was unsettling and worrisome, but most of all sad. The mere thought of Kathryn's addiction made him extremely uneasy. He had not seen this coming. Perhaps he should have had, but he hadn't. But at least she had come to him now, before it was too late, and agreed to stay. There was still hope for her and he had vowed silently in his mind that he would not let her fall. He would watch over her and support her in this private battle of hers. Failure was not an acceptable outcome.
Chakotay got up on his feet and walked silently by the bed. Then he sat on the other side of it wishing that she had finally dozed off. Sleep would be the only place she could hope to find some comfort in. But Kathryn moved restlessly. Chakotay knew her bones were aching and that she felt nauseated. She was chilling and her nose was still running. She was in pain and there was nothing he could do to alleviate it. She was on a path and she had to walk alone. All he could do was watch.
Even though she was resting on the bed now, Chakotay was still worried. Earlier they had searched information about stimulants and what effect they might have on human physiology. One of the most worrying pieces of information they had found was that formazine in large dozes could damage the cardiac muscle. Kathryn didn't want any doctors around, but if her heart failed, there was only little he was able to do. She had assured him that she was not experiencing any chest pain and he wanted to believe her. But he still worried. They were walking on a thin ice. At least she had agreed to see a doctor when the worst was over.
Chakotay took a deep breath and touched her hair gently. Earlier, when her withdrawals had just been started to manifest themselves, she had kept a brave face. Chakotay knew she had tried her best to keep a neutral face. For her this was most humiliating. She was ashamed of herself. She wanted to be strong. But without the precious hyposprays in her purse her condition had deteriorated quickly. And after the second time she vomited in the toilet seat, she had stopped caring how that would look in his eyes. Physical pain was an effective way to expel sense of pride.
"Red alert…", Kathryn whispered.
Chakotay sighed. She was delirious, but at least she was resting now. It pained Chakotay to see her like this and it made him understand Kathryn's point of view. He wouldn't want something like this to end up in the news either. And the fact was that she had lived her live on Earth under a microscope. It was not something Chakotay would have ever envy. On the contrary; he felt sorry for her even more and the need to protect her from that got stronger in his heart.
"You get closer to the end by every minute" he reminded her, even though he knew his words wouldn't register.
There wasn't much he could do and it was frustrating. He would have done anything to make her burden lighter, but he didn't have that option now.
"Chakotay…" she whispered.
"I'm here."
"Cold…" she told. "I'm freezing."
"Shh…"
Kathryn took a deep breath. For a moment the room was silent, until it started raining outside. Chakotay listened the voices of raindrops falling against his bedroom window. Kathryn was still shivering. He held his hand on her arm, just that she would feel someone near her. For the next fifteen minutes they stayed that way; she shivering under the covers and he sitting by her.
Suddenly she started to talk again.
"Now…" she said.
Chakotay leaned over to see her face. She appeared to be somewhere between sleep and waking state.
"Re-route the auxiliary power to the shields", she said.
Another moment of delusion. They both had known to expect this. In addition to possible physical damage in her system, they had also studied together the most typical symptoms of withdrawals before the worst had begun. It had been almost like a scientific research, which must have been easier for Kathryn that way; to see this from scientific point of view as much as it was possible. And by doing so she had let him in.
"Re-route the auxiliary power to the shields", she told again.
"Shh…"
"Now", she demanded with a heavy sigh. "Re-route the auxiliary power…"
"It's alright Kathryn", Chakotay told softly. "Harry is on it."
"Harry?"
"He is re-routing the power to the shields."
"Evasive manoeuvres…", she mumbled.
Chakotay sighed. She was getting more restless now. Chakotay decided to get in the bed and take her in his arms. Perhaps she would able to sense it and take comfort from it. Chakotay placed himself against her and took her in his embrace. He closed his eyes and hoped that this trying rite of transition of hers would spare her from needless pain.
* * *
Chakotay heard steps behind him. He turned around and saw Kathryn walking towards the kitchen. She was wearing his blue t-shirt and her hair looked like it could use a wash and comb. But in his eyes she was the most delightful sight he had seen in awhile.
"Morning", Chakotay said.
"Hi…" Kathryn replied and sat at the kitchen counter.
Chakotay gave her a glass of fresh orange juice, turned around and continued with the sandwiches he had been making for the breakfast.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
"Umm…" was the answer behind his back. "Yeah… I think I am…"
Chakotay smiled. Today was going to be a good day. After two and a half days Kathryn was finally on her feet again. Though she was still groggy and gathering her thoughts as she tried to make sense of what had happened, she was herself again, and not the absent-minded woman he had met couple of days ago.
Chakotay took another slice of bread and suddenly it hit him. This day really was not like yesterday or the days before that. This day was the first day of the rest of his life. After he had left Voyager and Delta Quadrant behind and settled down in this house, he had gone through a rite of transition by renovating the place. But now, at this very moment, he understood that the rite had not been completed until this morning. Now the transition was complete. Now this house of his finally felt like home.