DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG1/ characters are property of showtime/ viacom, mgm/ua, double secret productions, gekko productions. No profit involved.
WARNINGS: Slight swearing-not much.
RATED: PG-13
SPOILERS: The Light, Crystal Skull, Forever in a Day, Absolute Power, Legacy
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had this fic in my head ever since seeing 'The Light'. Only, as I was gripped by a muse to finally write it, it transformed itself into this lighter version. I was originally thinking dark and heavy, but hey-I like this better. Tell me what you think!
En'light'ened
By: Victoria May
Jack lay on his bedroll in the darkened room. He could hear the quiet intake of breath as Sam slumbered next to him. Sliding his eyes to the side, he could faintly see Daniel's still form amidst the shadows. Daniel's arm rested on top of his chest, the other lay along his side. Jack strained to hear the even breaths of his friend. Nothing. Was he breathing? Jack raised himself onto his elbow and squinted at the anthropologist's lifeless body. Shit! There was no steady rise and fall of the younger man's chest to signify that he was still breathing. Jack scrambled off his bedroll and crawled stealthily toward Daniel. As he neared his friend's side, he began to whisper.
"Daniel?" There was no movement. "Daniel!" he hissed louder.
"Shit!" Jack exclaimed as he reached his hand out to shake the other man. As his hand settled on Daniel's shoulder, the inert figure jerked awake and scrambled away from Jack. Surprised by the sudden movement, Jack stumbled backwards and landed on his backside.
"Jack?" a shaky voice queried.
Jack looked up and found himself staring into the wildly blinking eyes of one half asleep linguist clutching his gun in a death grip. Jack heard a movement off to his left and turned his head. Make that one gun toting sleepy linguist and one crack shot, bleary-eyed astrophysicist. Sam was crouching low; surveying the room, looking for the source of the threat that had their usually peaceful team mate ready to shoot.
Raising his arms slowly, Jack motioned for his team to lower their weapons. "At ease Carter-Daniel." Sam lowered her gun, a confused expression on her sleep flushed face.
"Colonel? What's going on?"
Jack sighed and warily shook his head. "Nothing. Sorry. I was just checking on Daniel and I guess I spooked him." Looking sheepishly towards Daniel, he shrugged.
"Sorry about that Daniel."
Daniel clicked the safety back on his weapon and frowned at Jack. "Um, is there a reason you were hovering over me in the middle of the night Jack? I mean, give me a little warning next time. I could have shot you!"
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Won't happen again." Jack turned back to his bedroll.
Daniel continued to stand there, a puzzled look still clinging to his pale face. "Ah, Jack? You gonna tell me why I just lost ten years off my life?"
Jack kneeled next to his rumpled bedding and began to smooth it. "You didn't look like you were breathing. I was just making sure you were still with us."
"Oh." Daniel shoved his gun under his bedroll and resumed his earlier position. Slowly, one finger, then another began to tap on his chest. "Jack?"
"Yes Daniel?"
"Next time, could you just hold a mirror under my nose or something?"
Jack rolled his eyes as he heard Sam sniggering from her bedroll. "Sure Daniel. You know, I wouldn't have had to check if you'd just sleep like a normal person. You know, move around a little. Moan occasionally. Turn over! I mean, is it an archeologist thing-lying there like one of those mummies you love to study?"
"Jack?"
"Daniel?"
"Go to sleep."
"Sleep. Got it."
Jack shifted uncomfortably and slid one arm under his head. Mimicking Daniel, he began to tap his fingers on his own chest.
"Well, this is fun," he muttered none too quietly.
"Shh!" came an equally loud hiss from his second in command.
Any remnants of sleep had left him, and now Jack was bored. And a bored Jack was an annoying Jack.
"Daniel?"
A tired mumble came from the anthropologist.
"You awake?"
Jack grinned as Daniel turned over onto his stomach, his face towards Jack.
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Oh."
"Oh? You dragged me back from the edge of sleep to say 'oh'?"
"No." Jack's grin slipped as Daniel's eyes fluttered closed. "Sam?" he whispered.
"Sir, if there isn't a slimy goa'uld slithering up my back, I'm going to shoot you," Sam muttered.
"Just seeing if you were sleeping major. At ease."
"I would be sleeping, if you would stop talking sir!" Sam snapped. Damn. Her eyes stung, but now she was even more awake. She stared up at the dark ceiling waiting for sleep to return for her. "Uptight, mother-hen colonel's," she muttered under her breath as she turned onto her side, pulling her sleeping bag over her shoulder.
"I heard that major!"
"Good!"
A soft groan came from the other side of the room. Daniel's side.
"Oh great. Now look what you've done," Jack admonished.
"Me! You're the one who can't stop talking!"
Another groan erupted from the archeologist, and Sam held her breath as he flopped back over onto his back.
"I hate you both," a small, petulant sounding voice chided.
"Sorry Daniel," two guilty voices chimed.
"Go back to sleep Daniel," Sam prompted.
"Can't."
"Oh for crying out loud-why not?" Jack drawled.
A quiet sigh was his only answer.
"Daniel? You've only been asleep for a little over two hours. You should get more sleep," Sam's concerned voice urged.
Silence fell in the large vestibule where they were camped. Sam turned over so she was facing away from her team. Maybe now she would get a little shuteye. Light flared briefly against her closed eyelids, then dimmed. Someone moved behind her and she could hear their padded footfalls moving away. Something thumped against the ground and Sam gritted her teeth as the sound of a zipper opening painfully slow assaulted her sensitive ears. Papers rustled, then the sound of the zipper again-probably closing to keep out the rodents that no one had seen yet. The feet padded back and Sam relaxed. At the sound of pen scratching against paper, Sam's eyes flew open.
"Dear lord; I think I'm in hell," she groaned.
The scratching stopped. "Sorry Sam. I'm disturbing you, aren't I?" Daniel asked.
"You're not disturbing anyone Daniel. Go on and do whatever it is you're doing. Carter's fine. Aren't you Carter?" Jack's voice was tinged with some unspoken warning. A warning Sam was oblivious to. Her aching muscles coupled with a throbbing headache blocked out everything except for an insatiable need for sleep.
"No, I'm not fine, sir!" Voice thick with sarcasm and pushed to the point of exhaustion, Sam snapped, "You are disturbing me Daniel. I have a headache. I don't mean to be rude. Really, I'm sorry you can't sleep. But I can. At least, I want to. But not when the Colonel keeps talking and you are scratching away at whatever translation it is you're working on."
"My journal," Daniel murmured. "That's okay. I'll just go in another room."
"Daniel-stay! Carter, chill. That's an order."
"Colonel . . ." Sam started.
"Carter, what part of 'that's an order' didn't you understand?"
"It's okay. I'll put it away. I shouldn't have gotten it out," Daniel said as the cover to his journal thumped closed.
"Daniel," Sam said regretfully.
"Don't worry about it Sam."
Sam lay back as she listened to her team mate settle again onto his bedroll. Her teammate who, according to Jack, had been next to death when Jack carried him back through the gate to the palace. No wonder he couldn't sleep. He hadn't talked about his experience. Not with her at least, and she doubted with Jack either. Just bottled it up inside as usual. Except-he'd tried to write in his journal. That's a healthy way to work through whatever's going on inside. And she'd stopped him. Told him he was bothering her. Way to go Carter! Seriously pissed with herself, Sam rolled over again and sighed loudly.
"Spit it out Carter," Jack growled in the darkness.
Sam turned her head. "Sir?"
"You've obviously got something on your mind. You might as well share. You've been sniping at me all day and now you're yelling at Daniel."
"You don't understand," Sam protested.
"Sure I do. You're angry because you're stuck here for three weeks, and you have to follow protocol. For whatever reason, you're mad at me and you're taking it out on Daniel."
"I am not taking it out on Daniel!" Sam protested. "And I'm not mad either." Sam scrambled to sit up and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Please. Carter. I may not be an astrophysicist, but I can tell when someone is harboring resentful feelings."
"I'm not!"
"I dost think thou protestest too much," Jack quipped.
"Sir, I'm sorry I snapped at you out on the beach. But you know that was a result of the withdrawal. Really. I have no problem with following protocol for the remainder of this mission."
"Mission Carter? Are you sure you didn't mean to say 'vacation'? That is how you think I'm viewing this little adventure, isn't it? Come on! What was that?"
Sam rolled her eyes in the dark. "Sir. Colonel. I'm sorry. I don't know what else you want me to say."
"Carter, I want to know when you started to think so lowly of me."
"Colonel. Jack. I told you. I was experiencing withdrawal and I said some things that I never would have even thought."
"See!"
"See what sir?" Sam was getting tired of the word games. This was getting them nowhere, fast.
"You called me Jack. That proves that you resent having to follow protocol. It also proves that for whatever reason, you're mad at me." Jack paused and thought about the implications. "Carter? Whatever I did, I'm sorry. It must have been bad for you to lose respect for me."
"Ah Colonel. Don't do that. I respect you."
"Do you?"
"Yes! I think . . . I think maybe it was a mistake to let-certain feelings . . ." Sam's voice faded. "Ah, what I mean is, I think those-feelings, have been, hindering, the team dynamic. I mean, it's awfully hard to go around calling you 'sir' all the time-I guess I was expecting . . . oh, I don't know!"
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for Colonel. I'm as guilty as you are."
"So, any suggestions? I can't exactly have a second in command who goes around shirking my orders."
Sam sniggered. "Then it's a good thing Daniel isn't your second."
"Hey!" Both Sam's and Jack's heads swiveled towards Daniel.
"What? You thought I fell asleep or something? It's a bit noisy in here for that."
"Ah, Daniel? Could you, ah . . . forget you heard that?" Jack croaked.
"Heard what?"
"Good boy."
"Gee, thanks Jack. Do I get a doggie treat too?"
"Daniel . . ."
"Whatever Jack. Listen. My advice is to just leave it here. It's out in the open. You've discussed it. Leave it here. In three weeks when we're sprung, remember that it's the Colonel and the Major who leave this place."
Sam pulled her legs from her sleeping roll and crawled over to Daniel. Sitting down next to him, she bumped his shoulder with her own. "Thanks Daniel." Next to her Daniel shrugged. The room again lapsed into silence as the three friends reflected on the conversation. A deep sigh broke Sam from her reverie.
"Do you think it's true then, that what we felt during withdrawal was somehow a manifestation of our inner feelings?" Daniel asked softly.
"Ah Daniel. I don't know. I was only giving Carter a hard time." Jack kicked himself for his thoughtlessness and his hasty words.
"I think it's true," Daniel said as he pushed himself to his feet and began to pace.
"No Daniel. I don't think it is. I mean, the withdrawal makes us more prone to depression, but it was such a drastic change for our bodies to get accustomed to-I think it had the potential to throw us into a severe clinical depression. That doesn't mean that those same feelings are lying dormant inside waiting to be released." Sam shot Jack a look that said, 'Do something!'
"Daniel," Jack called out. "Sit down, please. You're giving me a headache with all that pacing." Jack waited while Daniel paced over to Sam's bedroll, dropping ungraciously onto it. Before Jack could speak again, Daniel spoke.
"It's just, when I think about what almost happened-what I almost did . . ."
"But you didn't," Jack interrupted.
"But I almost did Jack! When I think about that, I have to admit to myself that yes, I have thought about it." Daniel bowed his head over his slumped shoulders.
"Daniel. What are you trying to say? You want to kill yourself? That you're suicidal?" Jack's voice was edged with fear.
"No! No, that's not it. I'm not suicidal. At least, I don't think I am. Er, I never thought I was. But the thought has crossed my mind."
"When?" Sam softly prompted.
"After Sha're died," Daniel answered quietly. "When I was on the balcony, it was as if everything that I had felt then, was still fresh. The wounds still bleeding. I felt so hopeless. All I could think of was how everything in my life is ripped away from me. My parents. My career. Nick. Sha're. Shifu. It was all so overwhelming. My thoughts were so jumbled, and all I had left were the feelings. It was like a nightmare. And I just wanted it to end."
"And now?" Jack asked.
"And now I'm tired. And I feel incredibly stupid. Like anyone who had the inkling that I should have stayed in McKenzie's padded cell was just proven right. But no, I don't feel suicidal."
"No one thinks you're crazy Daniel."
Daniel stretched out on this stomach with his chin boosted up by his hand. "Thanks Sam, but I doubt that. But it's okay." Seeing the disbelieving looks on his friends faces, he continued. "Really. I'm used to being treated like some crazy mad scientist. It's kind of cool really. I mean, that places me up there with all the greats. Picasso, Mozart, Einstein, Ballard . . ."
"Ballard?" Jack quirked his eyebrow at Daniel.
"Yes Ballard. Nick will never receive the recognition he deserves for his discovery. Someone has to remember him among the greats."
"Daniel Jackson-mad scientist and genius extraordinaire," Sam added, her eyes twinkling in the newly rising sun.
"Ahem," Jack cleared his throat. "Well, if we're all sharing here . . .."
"Go ahead sir."
Jack looked at Daniel and suddenly wished the room were still blanketed in darkness. "Daniel, I have another apology to make. I feel like I've let you down. I offered you something that I was too afraid to give."
Daniel squirmed on the bedroll. "Jack, you don't need to do this."
"Yes Daniel, I do. I reneged on our friendship. More specifically, I've been treating you like crap for I don't even know how long. I've been taking out my frustrations on you-and lately, that's a lot of frustration." Jack glanced over at Daniel and saw the other man looking dismally at the floor.
"And dammit Daniel, you keep letting me! But, that's not your fault. It's mine. I've been taking advantage of the fact that you're a nice guy. One who won't fight back. At least, that's what I thought. But when I saw you lying there in the infirmary, hooked up to all Fraisier's little doodads, I realized what I'd lost. I lost you Daniel. Somewhere along the way, you wised up and cleared out.
"When I thought you were going to die-when you did die, I felt things I haven't felt in so long. I felt like I was losing Charlie again. And Sara. And Kowalski. So if we're being honest here, and accepting that the withdrawal gave us a peek into our souls, I want you to know that I found you there. I've missed you. I really hope we can get that foundation back."
"Geez Jack," Daniel snuffled.
"That was beautiful Jack," Sam sniffed.
"Oh, for crying out loud. Just don't quote me on that."
Daniel wiped a sleeve across his nose and then raised his arms above his head. "I'm beat. I'm going back to sleep."
"Me too," Sam yawned as she curled up on Daniel's bedroll.
Jack smiled as he too lay back down. "Get some sleep campers. We've got a fun filled day ahead of us."
A muffled snigger caught Jack's attention.
"Daniel?"
"I was just wondering-do you think we can get Teal'c to come out and play? I kind of missed him with all this sharing."
"Yeah, me too. Me too."
As the sun peeked over the horizon, the sleeping team lay, bathed in the gentle light of morning.
-END
WARNINGS: Slight swearing-not much.
RATED: PG-13
SPOILERS: The Light, Crystal Skull, Forever in a Day, Absolute Power, Legacy
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had this fic in my head ever since seeing 'The Light'. Only, as I was gripped by a muse to finally write it, it transformed itself into this lighter version. I was originally thinking dark and heavy, but hey-I like this better. Tell me what you think!
En'light'ened
By: Victoria May
Jack lay on his bedroll in the darkened room. He could hear the quiet intake of breath as Sam slumbered next to him. Sliding his eyes to the side, he could faintly see Daniel's still form amidst the shadows. Daniel's arm rested on top of his chest, the other lay along his side. Jack strained to hear the even breaths of his friend. Nothing. Was he breathing? Jack raised himself onto his elbow and squinted at the anthropologist's lifeless body. Shit! There was no steady rise and fall of the younger man's chest to signify that he was still breathing. Jack scrambled off his bedroll and crawled stealthily toward Daniel. As he neared his friend's side, he began to whisper.
"Daniel?" There was no movement. "Daniel!" he hissed louder.
"Shit!" Jack exclaimed as he reached his hand out to shake the other man. As his hand settled on Daniel's shoulder, the inert figure jerked awake and scrambled away from Jack. Surprised by the sudden movement, Jack stumbled backwards and landed on his backside.
"Jack?" a shaky voice queried.
Jack looked up and found himself staring into the wildly blinking eyes of one half asleep linguist clutching his gun in a death grip. Jack heard a movement off to his left and turned his head. Make that one gun toting sleepy linguist and one crack shot, bleary-eyed astrophysicist. Sam was crouching low; surveying the room, looking for the source of the threat that had their usually peaceful team mate ready to shoot.
Raising his arms slowly, Jack motioned for his team to lower their weapons. "At ease Carter-Daniel." Sam lowered her gun, a confused expression on her sleep flushed face.
"Colonel? What's going on?"
Jack sighed and warily shook his head. "Nothing. Sorry. I was just checking on Daniel and I guess I spooked him." Looking sheepishly towards Daniel, he shrugged.
"Sorry about that Daniel."
Daniel clicked the safety back on his weapon and frowned at Jack. "Um, is there a reason you were hovering over me in the middle of the night Jack? I mean, give me a little warning next time. I could have shot you!"
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Won't happen again." Jack turned back to his bedroll.
Daniel continued to stand there, a puzzled look still clinging to his pale face. "Ah, Jack? You gonna tell me why I just lost ten years off my life?"
Jack kneeled next to his rumpled bedding and began to smooth it. "You didn't look like you were breathing. I was just making sure you were still with us."
"Oh." Daniel shoved his gun under his bedroll and resumed his earlier position. Slowly, one finger, then another began to tap on his chest. "Jack?"
"Yes Daniel?"
"Next time, could you just hold a mirror under my nose or something?"
Jack rolled his eyes as he heard Sam sniggering from her bedroll. "Sure Daniel. You know, I wouldn't have had to check if you'd just sleep like a normal person. You know, move around a little. Moan occasionally. Turn over! I mean, is it an archeologist thing-lying there like one of those mummies you love to study?"
"Jack?"
"Daniel?"
"Go to sleep."
"Sleep. Got it."
Jack shifted uncomfortably and slid one arm under his head. Mimicking Daniel, he began to tap his fingers on his own chest.
"Well, this is fun," he muttered none too quietly.
"Shh!" came an equally loud hiss from his second in command.
Any remnants of sleep had left him, and now Jack was bored. And a bored Jack was an annoying Jack.
"Daniel?"
A tired mumble came from the anthropologist.
"You awake?"
Jack grinned as Daniel turned over onto his stomach, his face towards Jack.
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Oh."
"Oh? You dragged me back from the edge of sleep to say 'oh'?"
"No." Jack's grin slipped as Daniel's eyes fluttered closed. "Sam?" he whispered.
"Sir, if there isn't a slimy goa'uld slithering up my back, I'm going to shoot you," Sam muttered.
"Just seeing if you were sleeping major. At ease."
"I would be sleeping, if you would stop talking sir!" Sam snapped. Damn. Her eyes stung, but now she was even more awake. She stared up at the dark ceiling waiting for sleep to return for her. "Uptight, mother-hen colonel's," she muttered under her breath as she turned onto her side, pulling her sleeping bag over her shoulder.
"I heard that major!"
"Good!"
A soft groan came from the other side of the room. Daniel's side.
"Oh great. Now look what you've done," Jack admonished.
"Me! You're the one who can't stop talking!"
Another groan erupted from the archeologist, and Sam held her breath as he flopped back over onto his back.
"I hate you both," a small, petulant sounding voice chided.
"Sorry Daniel," two guilty voices chimed.
"Go back to sleep Daniel," Sam prompted.
"Can't."
"Oh for crying out loud-why not?" Jack drawled.
A quiet sigh was his only answer.
"Daniel? You've only been asleep for a little over two hours. You should get more sleep," Sam's concerned voice urged.
Silence fell in the large vestibule where they were camped. Sam turned over so she was facing away from her team. Maybe now she would get a little shuteye. Light flared briefly against her closed eyelids, then dimmed. Someone moved behind her and she could hear their padded footfalls moving away. Something thumped against the ground and Sam gritted her teeth as the sound of a zipper opening painfully slow assaulted her sensitive ears. Papers rustled, then the sound of the zipper again-probably closing to keep out the rodents that no one had seen yet. The feet padded back and Sam relaxed. At the sound of pen scratching against paper, Sam's eyes flew open.
"Dear lord; I think I'm in hell," she groaned.
The scratching stopped. "Sorry Sam. I'm disturbing you, aren't I?" Daniel asked.
"You're not disturbing anyone Daniel. Go on and do whatever it is you're doing. Carter's fine. Aren't you Carter?" Jack's voice was tinged with some unspoken warning. A warning Sam was oblivious to. Her aching muscles coupled with a throbbing headache blocked out everything except for an insatiable need for sleep.
"No, I'm not fine, sir!" Voice thick with sarcasm and pushed to the point of exhaustion, Sam snapped, "You are disturbing me Daniel. I have a headache. I don't mean to be rude. Really, I'm sorry you can't sleep. But I can. At least, I want to. But not when the Colonel keeps talking and you are scratching away at whatever translation it is you're working on."
"My journal," Daniel murmured. "That's okay. I'll just go in another room."
"Daniel-stay! Carter, chill. That's an order."
"Colonel . . ." Sam started.
"Carter, what part of 'that's an order' didn't you understand?"
"It's okay. I'll put it away. I shouldn't have gotten it out," Daniel said as the cover to his journal thumped closed.
"Daniel," Sam said regretfully.
"Don't worry about it Sam."
Sam lay back as she listened to her team mate settle again onto his bedroll. Her teammate who, according to Jack, had been next to death when Jack carried him back through the gate to the palace. No wonder he couldn't sleep. He hadn't talked about his experience. Not with her at least, and she doubted with Jack either. Just bottled it up inside as usual. Except-he'd tried to write in his journal. That's a healthy way to work through whatever's going on inside. And she'd stopped him. Told him he was bothering her. Way to go Carter! Seriously pissed with herself, Sam rolled over again and sighed loudly.
"Spit it out Carter," Jack growled in the darkness.
Sam turned her head. "Sir?"
"You've obviously got something on your mind. You might as well share. You've been sniping at me all day and now you're yelling at Daniel."
"You don't understand," Sam protested.
"Sure I do. You're angry because you're stuck here for three weeks, and you have to follow protocol. For whatever reason, you're mad at me and you're taking it out on Daniel."
"I am not taking it out on Daniel!" Sam protested. "And I'm not mad either." Sam scrambled to sit up and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Please. Carter. I may not be an astrophysicist, but I can tell when someone is harboring resentful feelings."
"I'm not!"
"I dost think thou protestest too much," Jack quipped.
"Sir, I'm sorry I snapped at you out on the beach. But you know that was a result of the withdrawal. Really. I have no problem with following protocol for the remainder of this mission."
"Mission Carter? Are you sure you didn't mean to say 'vacation'? That is how you think I'm viewing this little adventure, isn't it? Come on! What was that?"
Sam rolled her eyes in the dark. "Sir. Colonel. I'm sorry. I don't know what else you want me to say."
"Carter, I want to know when you started to think so lowly of me."
"Colonel. Jack. I told you. I was experiencing withdrawal and I said some things that I never would have even thought."
"See!"
"See what sir?" Sam was getting tired of the word games. This was getting them nowhere, fast.
"You called me Jack. That proves that you resent having to follow protocol. It also proves that for whatever reason, you're mad at me." Jack paused and thought about the implications. "Carter? Whatever I did, I'm sorry. It must have been bad for you to lose respect for me."
"Ah Colonel. Don't do that. I respect you."
"Do you?"
"Yes! I think . . . I think maybe it was a mistake to let-certain feelings . . ." Sam's voice faded. "Ah, what I mean is, I think those-feelings, have been, hindering, the team dynamic. I mean, it's awfully hard to go around calling you 'sir' all the time-I guess I was expecting . . . oh, I don't know!"
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for Colonel. I'm as guilty as you are."
"So, any suggestions? I can't exactly have a second in command who goes around shirking my orders."
Sam sniggered. "Then it's a good thing Daniel isn't your second."
"Hey!" Both Sam's and Jack's heads swiveled towards Daniel.
"What? You thought I fell asleep or something? It's a bit noisy in here for that."
"Ah, Daniel? Could you, ah . . . forget you heard that?" Jack croaked.
"Heard what?"
"Good boy."
"Gee, thanks Jack. Do I get a doggie treat too?"
"Daniel . . ."
"Whatever Jack. Listen. My advice is to just leave it here. It's out in the open. You've discussed it. Leave it here. In three weeks when we're sprung, remember that it's the Colonel and the Major who leave this place."
Sam pulled her legs from her sleeping roll and crawled over to Daniel. Sitting down next to him, she bumped his shoulder with her own. "Thanks Daniel." Next to her Daniel shrugged. The room again lapsed into silence as the three friends reflected on the conversation. A deep sigh broke Sam from her reverie.
"Do you think it's true then, that what we felt during withdrawal was somehow a manifestation of our inner feelings?" Daniel asked softly.
"Ah Daniel. I don't know. I was only giving Carter a hard time." Jack kicked himself for his thoughtlessness and his hasty words.
"I think it's true," Daniel said as he pushed himself to his feet and began to pace.
"No Daniel. I don't think it is. I mean, the withdrawal makes us more prone to depression, but it was such a drastic change for our bodies to get accustomed to-I think it had the potential to throw us into a severe clinical depression. That doesn't mean that those same feelings are lying dormant inside waiting to be released." Sam shot Jack a look that said, 'Do something!'
"Daniel," Jack called out. "Sit down, please. You're giving me a headache with all that pacing." Jack waited while Daniel paced over to Sam's bedroll, dropping ungraciously onto it. Before Jack could speak again, Daniel spoke.
"It's just, when I think about what almost happened-what I almost did . . ."
"But you didn't," Jack interrupted.
"But I almost did Jack! When I think about that, I have to admit to myself that yes, I have thought about it." Daniel bowed his head over his slumped shoulders.
"Daniel. What are you trying to say? You want to kill yourself? That you're suicidal?" Jack's voice was edged with fear.
"No! No, that's not it. I'm not suicidal. At least, I don't think I am. Er, I never thought I was. But the thought has crossed my mind."
"When?" Sam softly prompted.
"After Sha're died," Daniel answered quietly. "When I was on the balcony, it was as if everything that I had felt then, was still fresh. The wounds still bleeding. I felt so hopeless. All I could think of was how everything in my life is ripped away from me. My parents. My career. Nick. Sha're. Shifu. It was all so overwhelming. My thoughts were so jumbled, and all I had left were the feelings. It was like a nightmare. And I just wanted it to end."
"And now?" Jack asked.
"And now I'm tired. And I feel incredibly stupid. Like anyone who had the inkling that I should have stayed in McKenzie's padded cell was just proven right. But no, I don't feel suicidal."
"No one thinks you're crazy Daniel."
Daniel stretched out on this stomach with his chin boosted up by his hand. "Thanks Sam, but I doubt that. But it's okay." Seeing the disbelieving looks on his friends faces, he continued. "Really. I'm used to being treated like some crazy mad scientist. It's kind of cool really. I mean, that places me up there with all the greats. Picasso, Mozart, Einstein, Ballard . . ."
"Ballard?" Jack quirked his eyebrow at Daniel.
"Yes Ballard. Nick will never receive the recognition he deserves for his discovery. Someone has to remember him among the greats."
"Daniel Jackson-mad scientist and genius extraordinaire," Sam added, her eyes twinkling in the newly rising sun.
"Ahem," Jack cleared his throat. "Well, if we're all sharing here . . .."
"Go ahead sir."
Jack looked at Daniel and suddenly wished the room were still blanketed in darkness. "Daniel, I have another apology to make. I feel like I've let you down. I offered you something that I was too afraid to give."
Daniel squirmed on the bedroll. "Jack, you don't need to do this."
"Yes Daniel, I do. I reneged on our friendship. More specifically, I've been treating you like crap for I don't even know how long. I've been taking out my frustrations on you-and lately, that's a lot of frustration." Jack glanced over at Daniel and saw the other man looking dismally at the floor.
"And dammit Daniel, you keep letting me! But, that's not your fault. It's mine. I've been taking advantage of the fact that you're a nice guy. One who won't fight back. At least, that's what I thought. But when I saw you lying there in the infirmary, hooked up to all Fraisier's little doodads, I realized what I'd lost. I lost you Daniel. Somewhere along the way, you wised up and cleared out.
"When I thought you were going to die-when you did die, I felt things I haven't felt in so long. I felt like I was losing Charlie again. And Sara. And Kowalski. So if we're being honest here, and accepting that the withdrawal gave us a peek into our souls, I want you to know that I found you there. I've missed you. I really hope we can get that foundation back."
"Geez Jack," Daniel snuffled.
"That was beautiful Jack," Sam sniffed.
"Oh, for crying out loud. Just don't quote me on that."
Daniel wiped a sleeve across his nose and then raised his arms above his head. "I'm beat. I'm going back to sleep."
"Me too," Sam yawned as she curled up on Daniel's bedroll.
Jack smiled as he too lay back down. "Get some sleep campers. We've got a fun filled day ahead of us."
A muffled snigger caught Jack's attention.
"Daniel?"
"I was just wondering-do you think we can get Teal'c to come out and play? I kind of missed him with all this sharing."
"Yeah, me too. Me too."
As the sun peeked over the horizon, the sleeping team lay, bathed in the gentle light of morning.
-END