A/N: a ficlet I wrote over the period of FOREVER OMG I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR A WHILE NOW.
sorry! but anyway. I just have so many Pezberry feels when I listen to this song (by John Mayer), so there it is. I mean, it's not that great and it's super long but since I wrote it, I'ma post it.
A Fool To Love You
Well it takes a fool to love you
It takes a fool to love you
It takes a fool to love you
And I'm just the fool for you
It was on a clear evening that Santana found her life had changed.
She really should've seen it coming with the way that she and her roommate were getting closer; it was bound to happen. No, not Kurt, who was a man. A gay man, on top of that.
Rachel. Rachel Berry, who was straight.
Her life was funny like that; it liked to toy with her heart then leave her crying over someone who could never love her back.
She thought of Brit, and then she ignored that thought and smiled because Rachel had seen her and was making her way to her. No matter what, she had to pretend all was fine and that Rachel in that dress and that smile did nothing for her.
The girl had a crooked smile on, her eyes narrowed in suspicion as she neared closer to Santana and Kurt. They were hanging around on the roof of Rachel's friend's father's home in Manhattan, sipping on their favorite drinks and awaiting her arrival. And there she was.
It was evening, and the sun retreated to make way for the moon. The sunset behind Rachel made her look even more gorgeous than always, a backdrop of blues and purples with orange accents.
Rachel walked across the roof and only stopped once to chat with someone for a moment and then continued on - eyes set on Santana with that mysterious look.
Santana checked Rachel out thoroughly, not being able to keep herself from doing so. First she focused on the shoes. Tall, white heels that added three inches to Rachel's actual height. Dragging her eyes upward, Santana admired how Rachel's hips swayed. Her left leg moved underneath the tight fabric of the fuchsia dress. The right leg, on the other hand, had all the freedom in the world: there was a slit on the skirt of the dress that reached from just below her waist, down. Her shoulders were both exposed and Santana would bet that her back was showing.
The lipstick was just as shocking as the dress (the pink of her lips became a synonymous for temptation for Santana), and her eye makeup was smoky, making her eyes seem a thousand times more intense than they already were.
Her hair was pulled back and up, only a few strands - carefully placed to appear reckless - framed her face. Santana quite liked how much of Rachel's neck and collarbone were exposed.
Finally, Rachel reached them and sighed relieved, "I'm so glad you both could make it. This party would've been awkward without you guys." She moved to greet Kurt with a quick kiss on the cheek and complimented him on his outfit - a navy plaid suit with a grey skinny tie. "You look handsome."
"Thank you, Rach." He smiled, holding onto her hand and moved back to appreciate her dress. "You look absolutely gorgeous."
Santana got a little annoyed at the fact that he stole her compliment but dismissed it with an eye roll because it didn't matter what she thought about how Rachel looked - the girl wouldn't give it the time of day.
Rachel then settled her eyes on Santana. She opened her arms and said, "and you - wow, Santana. What a vision. You look beautiful," she finished and stepped in for a hug.
Santana's dress was yellow - barely stopping at the thighs. Her navy heels seemed to compete in height with Rachel's.
Santana tried not to read into either the comment or the way Rachel's body felt pressed against her. She tried to remember how she felt just the night prior, before she realized how much she liked Rachel. She hugged back, and Rachel's perfume attacked her senses. "Damn well, Berry. I dress to impress," she replied. As an afterthought she added, "you really do look amazing though."
"Why, thank you." She took in a deep breath and Santana thought she saw Rachel's cheek blush. Then she switched topics, "did you guys find the place okay? I wanted to go home and come with you guys but class ran late today and -"
Kurt interrupted her before she started on a monologue, "Don't worry about it, Rachel. We got here just fine. We only got lost once. Santana has an amazing sense of direction," he teased.
"Whatever, I do, okay. It's not my fault that you -"
"Anyway," he cut her off and continued, "but seriously, Rach. It was fine. You must be tired though, coming straight from three back to back classes."
Irritated by Kurt's interruption Santana grabbed two glasses of champagne as a waiter whizzed by. "Want one?" She asked Rachel, practically forcing it into Rachel's hand.
"Thank you," Rachel smiled at her and commented on Kurt's remark, "yeah, but I mean, I have to be here. Chris asked me to be here and, well he's asking for Kim's hand in marriage so of course I came!"
"This is awesome - free booze and hot, rich people everywhere," Santana commented, eying a blonde across the room.
Rachel laughed at Santana's words but shook her head. Kurt gasped, "Santana! We're here to be Rachel's dates. Please, behave like the upper class or we'll be cut off from the circle."
"I think that if Santana wants to hook up with a hot blonde tonight, she totally can," Rachel winked at her quickly then shrugged, taking the first sip of her champagne. "I wouldn't expect her to change for me."
Santana did have Brody to thank for Rachel's more liberal stance on sex. At first Santana was honored Rachel defended her but then it registered and she-, "wait. Why do you assume that she'd be blonde?"
"Well, for starters you're almost undressing that girl with your eyes," Rachel pointed her glass at the blonde Santana had been staring at. "Second, well, I just assumed because of Britt, Quinn-"
"Wait! You know about Quinn?!" Santana all but yelled. Kurt elbowed her gently on the arm successfully making her lower her voice, hissing at Rachel. "How do you know about Quinn?"
"Honey," Kurt started, "everyone knows about you and Quinn."
"Fine, yeah, so I tapped Quinn's prude ass - and might I add, what a fine one." She smirked in pride and crossed her arms, having to express confidence. She didn't regret it, and really she didn't really know why she wanted to keep Rachel from that information. "But, no. I'm not exclusive to blondes, just hot." She decided to clarify. "I mean, I'd totally bang a brunette or a redhead if they wanted to."
"Good to know," Rachel said. Santana's ears perked, and then deflated when she realized Rachel hadn't actually meant it; it had just been a passing comment. "So that means I can totally hook you up with my friend Casey. You guys would be adorable!" Rachel gushed, shaking Santana, suddenly excited about the idea.
Awesome. Now Rachel wanted to hook her up with a friend. That's just what she needed. "I don't know about a relationship," Santana warned, "but I'm all in for sex."
Kurt rolled his eyes hard, he never understood how Santana could act like such a straight guy. "You're so shallow, Santana. How about you try for an actual relationship sometime?"
That offended her. She turned on him, "excuse me? So, what? The time I spent dating Britt was, what do you call it, huh?" She opened her eyes, wide. "Nothing?"
Rachel placed a hand on Santana's arm, "Calm down, Santana. That's not how he meant it."
"No, that's exactly how he meant it," Santana said, but she tried to breathe deeper. "But whatever, Porcelain. I don't date just for dating. I have to really like a girl, and as of right now, I don't have anyone in mind."
Lie.
Rachel brought back up a forgotten topic, "so if blondes aren't your type, if hot girls are your type," she added, with a small smile, "then what is it about a girl that would make you fall for her? Personality-wise, Santana. Gives us your qualities on a perfect girl."
She thought this dangerous, considering her newfound feelings, but played it off anyway. "First and foremost, she has to be honest." Her lips turned upward as she began to describe the first love of her life. "Uh, funny. Of course. She has to have great sense of humor, and she has to be willing to try new things. Oh. Also, she has to be patient - mostly with me, you know, 'cause I can be difficult sometimes." She mumbled that last part, earning giggles from her roommates. "Fuck you both."
"No, thank you." Kurt said. Rachel just giggled some more.
"Those are good qualities, Santana. You'll find her one day."
Santana called herself a fool in her mind, thinking that Rachel could possibly be talking about her.
"What about you, Rachel? What does a person need to make you fall for them?" Kurt prompted.
"Besides being an asshole, Rachel, because seriously? The trail of men you've in your past - depressing."
Immediately Rachel frowned. Her breakup with Brody happened over a month ago, but it still stung every time someone brought it up or insulted her.
"I'm sorry," Santana apologized when she realized Rachel's reaction. "That was uncalled for."
"Yeah, well, it's true." After the quiet moment of self-wallow, Rachel began, "I think what I'm looking for right now is just someone I can trust, really. That's the first thing. Someone I can trust to not lie to me, not cheat on me, not diminish my dreams - and, uh, I like intelligent people. Also, talented. They must be talented and driven - ambition can be quite a turn-on, you know."
Before she could censor herself, Santana blurted out, "so basically you've described me."
Rachel laughed, along with Kurt, "too bad you're way out of my league, Lopez." It was a joke, Santana knew, but after going through the statement a million times over hor d'oeuvres, Santana realized why Rachel and she would never work (on top of the whole 'Rachel was straight' thing):
Rachel actually believed Santana was out of her league.
I really did it to myself I guess
I saw you standing in that cocktail dress
Oh call the press and say my life is a mess because
I must confess to you
Santana was cleaning the loft - actually cleaning, down on her knees scrubbing the floor, - when Rachel came in.
"What are you doing?" She asked with a clearly amused expression, as if she was loving this.
"I didn't get that job I applied for at the coffee shop round the corner. I needed an outlet for the stress," she explained. Then she said, "if you tell anyone, including Lady Hummel, I'll deny it, then kill you in your sleep." It just felt like something Santana would say to Rachel, if she didn't like her, so she went ahead with it. But then she smiled, and that probably toned down the effect.
"I'm sorry, Santana," Rachel told her honestly. "I - well, do you need any help?" She was already dragging up her sleeves, ready to help in any way, shape, or form. Santana appreciated that Rachel was the kind of girl who was always ready to help a friend in need.
Santana ran the back of her hand down her cheek then used her wrist to adjust the red bandana on her head, "that's alright, Rach, really. I'm done with the floors anyway." She stood, her back cracked loud. "Damn," she grumbled.
"Are you alright? Do you need me to get you anything? Tea, hot cocoa? Coffee?" Rachel now looked worried, the amusement replaced by concern.
Santana was touched by Rachel's reaction. She felt warm all over, but instead said, "I'm your roommate, Rachel. Not your guest, stop that."
"But Santana! I'm just trying to be a good roommate." Rachel observed the way Santana winced as she stretched out her back and huffed. "Stubborn. Here, come here." Rachel took Santana's hand without asking and led her to her room. "Lay down," she ordered, finally releasing Santana's grip.
Santana stared at the back of Rachel's head as the girl disappeared behind the curtain of Kurt's bedroom. Lay down? On Rachel's bed? Probably not a good idea. What if she accidentally inhaled Rachel's pillow while Rachel was right there?! Awkward.
She was still standing on the same spot she had been left in when Rachel came back holding a clear bottle. "Really, Santana? Just lay down, please. I wash my sheets every Thursday."
"Oh!" She scrambled to lie, "that's not w-" she started to defend herself but then decided to shut up.
"Take off your sweater," was Rachel's next order. And the next: "lie on your stomach and stretch your arms above your head."
Santana's head was spiraling. If this was what it sounded like, she was in a lot of trouble. "What are you planning, Berry?"
"It's called a massage, Santana. Trust me," she demanded of Santana, possibly annoyed. She waited until Santana pulled off her red sweater and tossed it over her shoulder. It might have been the lighting in the room or something but Santana swore she saw Rachel gulp when the bra came to view. Rachel blinked a couple times and then said, "okay, um. Right, yeah. Okay. You can, um, take off your bra after you lay down."
That was an interesting moment. If Santana was reading this right, Rachel had totally been flustered by Santana's awesome boobs. Which, truly, even straight girls would want those. Her head tilted sideways as she scrutinized Rachel's eyes and face for any sort of indication that she could have possibly be dwelling on boobie thoughts, but Rachel was currently reading the back of the massage oil bottle. Santana gave in and exhaled, "fine," before lying on her stomach and removing her bra - with struggle.
Rachel attempted small talk while massaging Santana's tense shoulders and back. "How was your week?"
"I don't wanna talk about my week, Rachel," Santana was quick to dismiss. "Whatever you're doing," she stopped talking and moaned, "fuck. That feels so good." It wasn't her fault that sounded so sexual; it was Rachel's for having amazing hands.
Rachel cleared her throat above Santana and said, "okay."
They were silent for a few minutes (with the exception of Santana's quiet whimpering of pleasure) when Rachel started to move restlessly. She was sitting next to Santana on the edge of the bed and the angle was awkward at most times.
Santana asked, "is everything alright?"
Rachel didn't dance around the subject of her discomfort, "no. I'm really uncomfortable in this position. Would you mind if I straddled your back?"
The thoughts in Santana's mind all seemed to corrupt at the same time, already plotting ways to make that movement turn into a wanky outcome. "Um," she debated internally: if she let Rachel straddle her back, would that be taking advantage of a poor, kind soul? Rachel was so naive that it could probably be considered that. "Sure," she said anyway because come on, really?
Santana had to remind herself to breathe when she felt Rachel's right leg slide over her back. Pressure was the next thing that happened, when Rachel let her body settle on Santana. "Okay," Rachel's voice was soothing, and from this distance it was amplified. "Relax, hon," Rachel told Santana. She probably could feel how much more tense the girl below had gotten.
Kneading became chopping and chopping became elbowing and Santana both hated and loved how close Rachel was to her. If she leaned forward another inch, her chest would be on Santana's back. The more Santana thought about it, the more she wanted it.
She couldn't risk her friendship with Rachel (which, besides her friendship with Brittany Pierce in high school, is the only real friendship she's ever had) for one moment of passion. Although, this thing she felt for Rachel was more than just lust. She'd never admit it to Rachel but it was true; her feelings for Rachel grew each day.
Was it worth risking it all for Rachel? If there was something she learned in glee club it was to tell people how she felt. Usually through song but right now that was kind of difficult so instead she cleared her throat. "Rachel," she spoke.
"Yeah?" Rachel mumbled behind her, extremely focused on the massage.
Santana was more stern this time, "Rachel."
Rachel stopped dead on her tracks and leaned forward, like Santana had hoped. Now that it happened Santana did feel like she was taking advantage of Rachel. Her mouth was right by Santana's ear, "yes? Are you okay? Is it hurting? Do you want me to stop?" Santana was facing away from Rachel because that wouldn't been too much.
She needed to turn around but she was half naked and that wouldn't have been fair to Rachel because honestly? Nobody could resist her boobs. "No," she said, realizing how she didn't think this true. "It's nothing, never mind."
"No!" Rachel shrieked. "It's not nothing! Tell me! I can see it in your face that something's bothering you."
Slowly she turned her head to face Rachel, still trapped under that body. Expectant eyes met her and suddenly she felt like she could do this. "Rachel," she tried again. Rachel hummed in front of her, seemingly distracted by the proximity of Santana's face. "I..." How would she go about saying this?
"You..." Rachel smiled to encourage her, but her eyes were still focused on Santana's lips. Then she dragged her sight up Santana's face, admiring each contour of it, and landed on her eyes. "I..." She joked, quieter this time.
Santana tried not to read into Rachel's actions because everyone knew how sexual and flirty Rachel could be without intending to. It certainly didn't hurt her ego though, but it didn't make this easier. "Wait!" Santana sounded hoarse from nerves. "You have to promise what I say next won't change our friendship."
The air shifted around them when Rachel realized Santana was being serious. If Santana was making this conditional, Rachel worried. Especially if Santana showed so much care about their friendship. Rachel leaned away from Santana a little and then nodded her head once with determination, "I promise. Nothing you could ever say or do could affect our friendship - you should know that by now."
"This is different, Rachel," Santana muttered.
"It's not, I assure you. Please, tell me what's up."
"It's actually kind of really hard when you're sitting on my bare back."
Rachel got up like lightning, "I'm sorry! I forgot. Here's your shirt, put it on, sit up, and let's talk about this." She turned around and crossed her arms, waiting for Santana to be decent. Only when Santana whispered that she was dressed did Rachel turn.
Santana probably looked as distressed as she felt, unable to make sense of her emotions and what she wanted. Rachel hurried to sit next to her and grabbed Santana's hand for support. It made Santana's stomach feel funny. "You promised, remember." Santana warned Rachel one more time.
"I did."
"I love you," Santana blurted out with closed eyes. She felt Rachel's hand close tighter around hers. "I think. Wait, no. I'm sure. I'm in love with you."
Rachel quickly released her hand and stood, eyes wide, "is this a joke?"
"What?!" Santana got up too. "No! It's not a joke, I'm not -"
"Because that's not funny, Santana! I can't believe you would do this to me!"
Rachel left.
That it takes a fool to love you
It takes a fool to love you
It takes a fool to love you
And I'm just the fool for you
It never happened that they both made it home at the same time. Until it did.
Santana had sprinted from the cab to catch the elevator just as it was closing. "Hold it!" she exclaimed to the person behind the door. A hand appeared and stopped the door on its track, bouncing it back open, and revealing Rachel Berry.
Dripping from the heavy rain outside, Santana made her way inside the elevator defeated. This would be an awkward ride up to the fifth floor. "Thanks," she mumbled once the door closed.
Rachel hummed, acknowledging to Santana that she had heard her.
Their eyes turned up to the numbers changing slowly - way too slowly - on the small black screen above the door frame.
The past two days consisted of a lot of avoidance. Mutual avoidance. And that wasn't hard to accomplish, mostly because Rachel was always at school, and Santana was really good at pretending someone didn't exist. Even if they shared a loft.
But in an elevator when it was just the two of them? The weight of the awkwardness started to settle in right about the third floor, right when the elevator abruptly stopped.
Santana cussed. How cliched could her life get? "Are you fucking kidding me?" She asked out loud.
"This must be a joke," Rachel stated in disbelief. She looked to Santana, but then the lights went out too, meaning the generator was gone. Rachel shrieked.
"Calm down, hobbit." Santana demanded, irritated by Rachel's dramatics. "And not everything is a joke, you know?" Santana added, still a little bitter at how Rachel had reacted to the news that she loved her. I mean, if anything, Santana should be the one offended here.
Rachel breathed loudly.
"Really?" Santana asked. "Are you really scared? The power went out. It'll only take a few moments before it's back up and then the elevator will continue on its ascend," she finished with an eye roll.
Rachel continue to breathe loudly, "I'm sorry, Santana, that my fear bothers you. But I am deathly afraid of the dark, and I'm not a fan of small spaces for such a long period of time either."
It got quiet.
Santana felt bad. She walked towards Rachel but didn't go too close. "It's okay, I'm in here and nothing's gonna happen." The tone of voice was one she had never used with Rachel before. At first because she didn't like Rachel; and then because she fell in love with her and couldn't give herself away.
Santana could hear Rachel gulp, "you promise?"
"I'm right here," is all Santana said.
A small hand found hers in the darkness and held tight, "thank you," Rachel muttered. "I know things have been weird between u-"
"Stop talking, Berry," Santana ordered. Softer, she added, "It doesn't change anything. It shouldn't."
Silence took over once more, with Santana considering everything that went down and what should have happened or what she should have said. That's when she realized that Rachel and she were trapped in an elevator with no way out and she could say whatever she wanted, and Rachel would have to hear it.
She squeezed Rachel's hand gently and let go, putting another foot between them. She couldn't see a palm stretched in front of her face but she could feel Rachel's questioning eyes on her.
"Look, Rachel," she started and Rachel groaned. "Yeah, you will have to listen," she told her. "I don't expect you to love me back. I actually don't know what the hell I was expecting but-" she breathes in, finding strength in the darkness. "But I do love you. I know I am a fool for falling but it wasn't - isn't,- it isn't a joke. But it doesn't matter to me if anything happens between us as long as you and I are friends. Can we do that? Please. It's fucking awkward right now and you promised."
Rachel shifted and Santana could practically hear the other girl thinking and considering what she was hearing. Santana continued, "you know how afraid you are of the dark right now? That's how scared I am about my feelings for you."
Rachel gasped, "Santana."
"I know. I understand that you and I will never happen but living together sucks now, I'm always second-guessing myself, I don't know..." She cleared her throat. "It's okay though, you won't be uncomfortable anymore. I spent the last two days looking for a new place and I'll be outta here soon."
"Wait," Rachel said. "No! You can't move out."
"I thought that's what you wanted."
"No!" Rachel exhaled. "Santana, I have to confess something to you."
"What is it?" Curiosity perked, Santana tried to convince herself not to get her hopes up.
Rachel blew out some air through her mouth, "I... Well, I don't know how to even start this... It's not like -" she jerked forward into Santana's arms by the now-moving elevator. "Oh," she gasped when she felt the other body steady her.
The lights slowly came back on as the elevator continued to ascend, "saved by the lights...?" Santana murmured, still holding Rachel. She really wanted to know what Rachel was about to tell her. There was something in her eyes. Something saying that what Rachel was going to say was worth listening to, even if they were mad at each other.
Nodding sheepishly, Rachel agreed, "yeah... Maybe right now is not the right time." She stepped away from Santana's embrace and gave a quick, pathetic, little smile before turning away to stare at the numbers once again.
"Rach," Santana pleaded behind her. "Come on, you're really not gonna tell me? I'm your friend, you can tell me anything."
It's not like Rachel didn't want to tell, it's just that she thought it might upset Santana. An angry Santana was never the best thing to happen to the world.
The door creaked open and Rachel smiled to see Kurt standing in the middle of the living room, holding up his mitten-clad hands, "I made you guys rain-appropriate dinner."
"Maybe later," Rachel murmured at Santana who stood next to her with a sad smile.
"Hey! San! I'm so glad I ran into you here." Rachel approached Santana, the week after the elevator incident.
"And where else would I be, Rachel?" Santana asked, suspicion rising when she saw the brunette standing shyly behind Rachel, hands hidden behind her back.
Rachel laughed and slapped Santana on the arm lightly. Weird, it wasn't that funny of a question. "I don't know, home?"
Santana was sitting behind the counter of the family-owned business she scored a job at. She had nowhere else to be, since she was working. Rachel knew that. She saw through Rachel's plan.
Oh, the jerk.
Rachel really wanted to play this game then? Fine.
"Sure," Santana smirked and played along. "Who's that?" She stood and pushed Rachel over with a delicate shove and stretched her hand out at the friend. "I'm Santana, Rachel's favorite roommate."
"Santana!" Rachel tried to admonish, but both of the other girls ignored her. For a moment, Santana almost thought Rachel was upset she had already been forgotten, but she focused on the girl.
"I'm Casey," the friend smiled. Well, Rachel was right about her - she was gorgeous. Short hair, electric green eyes, and red lips. Her handshake wasn't half bad either, and Santana respected a girl with a firm handshake. "Rachel's told me a lot about you; I'd believe you are her favorite." She moved some hair behind her ear as she took her hand back.
"Ah, well! You can say that again. But let me record it so I can have something to show Kurt, our other roomie." Santana played around and laughed. "Rachel's told me about you too. When she said you're beautiful, I thought she was kidding but I can now definitely see she wasn't."
Casey blushed prettily, her eyelashes fluttered shut and open at the compliment. "Thank you, Santana. You're very kind. So," Casey stammered, "would it be forward of me to ask you out for drinks?"
Santana grinned, and looked around for Rachel. The girl was gone. It was sad that she didn't even notice her slip out. "It's a good thing I like forward then," she leaned forward on the counter and took a pen from a small cup near the cash register. "This is my number," Santana explained as she reached for Casey's hand again and turned it palm up. "Call me," she said while scribbling her digits on Casey.
"Yeah, definitely." Casey said with an enamored look. Santana wasn't surprised. She had that effect on most people.
Most. With one very important person being immune to it.
So Casey and Santana had gone out on two dates already when Rachel opened the door to the loft to find Santana in her black lingerie, studying her dress options for their third date.
"Not everybody appreciates you walking around half-naked as much as you do, Santana." Rachel snipped at her as she searched the fridge for food.
"Uh, Casey does," Santana snapped back quickly, without thinking about it or really realizing what she said.
The water Rachel was drinking went down the wrong pipe at the comment and she coughed to try to keep from drowning. "What?" She asked. "You guys..." She didn't really know how to approach the subject so she danced around it. "Um, have you - uh, well, you guys... Um. Her - you..."
Santana wasn't really paying attention at first, but Rachel danced around it so much it made her dizzy. "God, Rachel! No, we haven't had sex yet, if that's what you're yammering about." She heard Rachel sigh, and turned to face her, "but tonight's our third date so I'm hoping to score."
Rachel avoided looking at her, Santana could tell, and she wondered if maybe it had to do with the fact Rachel was uncomfortable about Santana's feelings for her. At least Santana was making an effort to move on, she should notice that. Even if her apartment hunting had turned up bleak for the time being, Santana was trying not to make this living arrangement weird. Rachel apparently wasn't over it. "Well. Be careful not to break her heart, Santana."
The words immediately stilled Santana in her getting ready, and caused her to ask, "what the fuck does that mean, Rachel?"
"It means, Santana," Rachel stressed her name and narrowed her eyes at her, biting her bottom lip, "that you have a reputation that precedes you. Everyone knows you're a heart breaker. You can't commit, and you play with peoples' emotions like they don't matter. Just look at what you put Brittany through Junior year!"
Santana stood in shock, mouth open staring at this stranger in front of her. She blinked once, then twice, but didn't say anything. Rachel started to look embarrassed - or angry, Santana couldn't really tell - as she reddened. The shorter girl looked away to avoid Santana's hurt gaze. It was weird - Santana couldn't bring herself to move away, or look away, or curse her out and put on a dress. She had never felt so humiliated in Rachel's presence as right now, even though a mere thirty seconds ago she felt fine in her state of undress.
Slowly, she lifted the chosen dress - a green dress that cut off mid-thigh - and used it to cover her body. Her hands nervously pulled at the fabric, "fuck you, Rachel," she told her, eyes brimming with tears.
Suddenly she felt no desire in going out, or in even seeing Casey. She really just wanted to lay in bed and sleep, or something.
It wasn't only the fact that Rachel called her a heart breaker that upset Santana. That hurt a lot, actually, but above that - it was how she said it. Even bringing up Brittany like that without really having a reason? That fucking hurt. Santana knew Rachel to be vicious sometimes, especially when she felt attacked, but she never thought she would do something like this to someone she claimed to be one of her "best friends."
The thing with Brittany had been two years ago, anyway, but somehow it still hurt. The way they put each other through a rollercoaster of emotions only to end up breaking up her freshman year of college - that shit sucked. Then, she had to find out through Girl Chang that she had moved one with Trouty Mouth Sam, which sucked even more. It hurt to have lost a lover, but what hurt Santana most was losing her very best friend.
Sure, they said things wouldn't change between them, but slowly their communication started to evaporate and then what? They stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped Facebook messaging. Eventually all they had were a few likes on Facebook statuses and Instagram pictures.
Regardless of how she felt at the moment, Santana decided to go out with Casey anyway. She wasn't about to let Rachel's fucked up comment ruin her night. Besides, it's not like her falling out with Brittany was entirely her fault. A lot of other things played into it and she deserved to like someone again. And although she didn't quite yet love Casey, the girl was interesting enough that she just might end up falling for her.
Then there was that nagging in her brain who kept telling her she was in love with Rachel, even if Rachel wasn't in love with her. And even if Rachel could be an asshole sometimes.
I guess that really makes me a fool, Santana told herself.
She shook that thought away and got up from bed, finally putting on the dress and standing in front of the mirror. Unpinning her hair from the top of her head, it fell in curls over her shoulders.
A knock on her door made her snap her eyes in that direction through the mirror. She saw Rachel's reflection standing on the doorway, leaning against it. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.
It surprised her, actually, that Rachel went to her room to apologize. She even looked pretty sorry about what happened. Her arms were crossed and Santana thought she saw a tear fall. "Are you crying?" She heard herself ask before she could stop herself.
"No," Rachel dismissed the question with a wave of a hand, which she then used to dry away the tear she had shed. "I -" She looked up at Santana again, who turned away from the mirror to face her roommate and give her all the attention she needed. "Listen, I know I've been a total jerk lately," she started.
Santana interrupted, "try: asshole." What? She was angry and a few tears never really made her quiver.
Rachel's burning brown eyes pierced through hers and she found herself taking a step back. "San," Rachel said - the only syllable she needed to say to make Santana give up whatever angry feelings she was harboring. "I'm sorry I insulted you, I'm apologizing." Her arms stretched out next to her body, Rachel asked Santana, "what else do you want from me? Right here, right now?"
Woah, loaded questions. Because the problem clearly was that Rachel couldn't give her what she wanted. "Do you even know what you're apologizing for, Rachel?" Santana fired back. She could play this game too.
"I'm apologizing for what I said about you and Brittany. I had absolutely no right-"
"You're right, you had no right." Santana cut her in again. "You had no right," she started to say without actually getting angry. It's like she was just so sad about the entire deal between she and Rachel that it overwhelmed her anger. "Yet, that's not the only reason why I was upset with you."
Rachel stepped in to the room, interested - curious to know more. She sat on the edge of Santana's bed, directly in front of the Latina's body, "why were you upset?"
"You know how much my relationship with Brittany meant to me. Means, still means to me. But, I was also upset because of the accusation you made that I'm still a heart breaker." Santana breathed out air through her mouth, to slowly give her the strength needed to finish this mini-speech. "You really know me now, Rachel. How could you still think that about me?"
Rachel was silent, looking at Santana from the bed. Her eyes were wide as if she had just discovered something new about Santana. A side to her that she never even knew existed. But she knew - she had always known, she just never wanted to admit it. "I guess I -" she shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, trying to understand. "I don't - I guess I just said that to hurt your feelings."
"And why would you want to do that, Rachel? Do you not see how mean that is?" The fact that Rachel said something like that to hurt someone who loves her just kind of says heaps about Rachel, and it saddened Santana. "I should be the one mad at you right now - I have the right to be upset at you for not loving me back. Not the other way around, you don't get to do this." She stressed, the urge to cry wanting to take over again. She suppressed the tears and continued, "and despite everything, I still fucking love you. I still see you as my best friend, so why can't you treat me like your best friend, too? At least that!" Her tears finally came out, released with frustration.
Rachel remained still, looking as calm as ever, except for the tears also coming out of her eyes.
"Santana," Rachel began, staring straight into her eyes. "I said that to hurt your feelings because I was overwhelmed."
"By what?" Santana asked.
"By learning that you... well, by receiving information that -um, that you planned on, uh deflowering Casey."
"Wait, Casey's a virgin?" Santana asked, thinking back on her previous dates with Casey to see if she ever told her that.
Rachel stood, rolling her eyes, "no. I was just looking for an euphemism for fucking her but I guess that didn't work."
Santana still didn't get it. She tilted her head to the right and arched an eyebrow, "well, and why would that information overwhelm you?"
"Seriously?" Rachel asked, incredulous. Santana nodded, and watched as Rachel rolled her eyes yet again and parted her lips to say, "you can be so stupid sometimes."
"Hey!" The comment offended Santana, "you just apologized for insulting me."
This time Rachel laughed and it only irked Santana even more. "Don't worry, San. It's not an insult. You know what?" She asked as she used the sleeve of her t-shirt to wipe her eyes. "Go on your date and have fun. We can talk more about this later. If you don't leave right now you'll be late."
Rachel's easy dismissal worried her but she did as told. Not because Rachel told her to but because Rachel was right - if she didn't finish her makeup soon and left, she would be late and she definitely would not get any from Casey tonight.
Their date had been great fun. Casey took Santana out to dinner and then to a friend's band's concert and it actually wasn't a lame band. They were pretty good and she danced like crazy.
So she wasn't even thinking about Rachel as Casey pulled her up to her dorm room by the hand, both of them tipsy from the drinking that had been going on. She was focused on following Casey without tripping. She knew they were going all the way.
That's why she stalled all at once when her brain finally caught up to what Rachel had been trying to tell her earlier that day in her room. When she was half-naked and Rachel was at first being really mean and then being extremely weird. Her stoic body pulled Casey back by the arm, and it probably hurt because she said, "ouch" and walked back two steps to be level with Santana. "Whatcha doing?" She asked with a grimace.
"Sorry," Santana instantly replied. There was no way she was letting Rachel play with her head now: two minutes away from being on top of Casey. "I - my legs stopped working?" She lied and then smiled. "I'm sorry - please continue to lead the way, I've got a great view from back here." With a wink and a tap to Casey's butt, she got the girl to smile and turn back around.
There was no way Rachel was actually trying to tell her what she thinks Rachel was trying to say. That she loved her back? But if she loved her, too, then why would she do this to Santana? Do this to them? It made absolutely no sense, and she decided that it was definitely not worth to ponder about shit that wasn't going to happen anyway.
Casey stood in front of her door and turned to lean back into it. She didn't let go of Santana's hand, only pulled her closer. "So -" she irked an eyebrow and watched as Casey's eyes darkened. The girl licked her lips and attacked her under the half-lit hallway.
Rachel be damned. She had a right to be happy and if that meant moving on without Rachel, that's exactly what she would do.
Also, if it meant she got to sleep with girls as hot as Casey, then, well, hell yeah.
The next morning when she came home, Rachel was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, eating cereal from a tupperware with a plastic spoon from a take out place. She was wearing a white shirt that was clearly too big for her - covering her all the way to her knees.
Rachel looked up when Santana came in through the door, looking like she had spent all night up and busy. Which, well, she had.
"Welcome home," Rachel said coldly. She didn't really wait for Santana to say anything back, though. She just jumped from the counter and left.
The cereal went with her.
Fool me once and it's shame on you
Twice it's shame on me
But fool me baby for the rest of my life
And I'll be happy
Happy as a broken man can be
Kurt seemed agitated when he called her. He explained something about Rachel being extremely drunk and prone to doing something stupid and dangerous.
No, Santana didn't think Rachel needed a savior or anything of the sorts, but Kurt was a small man, and Santana would probably be a better friend to have on Rachel's side if something happened. Just in case, and stuff.
Or that's what she told herself when she blew off her date with Casey halfway through to go to the party Kurt and Rachel were. Casey was understanding, but Santana could tell that she wasn't entirely pleased with the idea. She even offered to come along with Santana but she quickly formulated an excuse that let her go alone. Just in case, and stuff.
She found Kurt watching Rachel from afar. When she followed his gaze, she saw Rachel standing on the dining room table, grinding so hard on the guy, Santana could see him getting Rachel pregnant. It was horrendous; she gagged.
"How did you let her get so bad?" Santana scolded Kurt.
"I didn't!" He tried defending himself, "I swear, Santana. You know I'm a good friend. I literally went to the bathroom and when I came back she was gone!"
Santana groaned. This wasn't going to be fun. It's not like she or Kurt could tell Rachel what to do, but she wasn't going to watch as this guy practically came all over her best friend. She shot Kurt a look and he raised his hands as if to say he really didn't mean for it to get so bad. "Okay, well, then don't just stand there. Help me out."
"You usually handle these things so well..." Kurt tried.
"Hummel!" Santana said, "don't try me. Not right now."
He followed as Santana made her way across the room to the table where the obscenity was happening. "Rachel!" She called out, more than one.
When the girl finally heard her, it looked like she hadn't seen Santana in ages. "Santana! Oh my god! I'm so glad you're hereeee. Come up here and dance with mee, pleaseee!" She whined more than she talked, and the strident quality of Rachel's voice when drunk was kind of annoying.
Santana rolled her eyes and looked at the dude behind Rachel. His glazed over eyes were intent on Rachel's ass rubbing against his front. "No, Rachel, please, just come with me and Kurt. We'll take you home and we can sober you up -"
"I don't wanna go home!" Rachel screamed. She threw her hands up in the air and then looked at Santana with a mischievous look in her eyes, "Sannn, please?"
Santana came to the realization that the only way to get Rachel off the table and back home would be to get up on the table with her and dance. Better her than some sleazyball that Rachel just met. She nodded, "fine, Rachel, but if we dance, I get to take you home, okay?" She gave the conditions of their dancing as she climbed on top of the table.
Kurt ran up to her, grabbing her ankle. "Santana! What are you doing?! We're supposed to be stopping her, not joining her."
"Relax, Porcelain. I know what I'm doing," Santana said with a smile and a fond tap of his shoulder. Then she stood in front of Rachel, those eyes dull from the alcohol but focused on her. "Did you hear me, Rachel?"
"Yes," Rachel assured her. She pushed away the guy that had been dancing with her up until then, him still gripping at her until Santana gave him the most intimidating look she knew. He jumped off the table muttering something about a cockblock, but Santana knew that he was never gonna get any from Rachel. "I heard you very well! You said you're taking me home." Rachel said with a grin.
Santana was surprised at how Rachel had responded to her claim, and only when Rachel giggled was that Santana understood the context Rachel had taken that in. "No, Rachel - I didn't mean, well," she stopped to think about it and decided to shut up because Rachel decided that Santana was not moving enough and took it upon herself to make her move. She gripped Santana's hip and started moving it from side to side.
"Relaaaax, come on! Dance!"
"I'm dancing," Santana said, entranced by the way Rachel moved in front of her. Now she felt like she was that pervy guy taking advantage of Rachel's inebriated state. She gulped hard when Rachel turned in her arms and moved Santana's hands to hug her waist. "This feels wrong," she muttered in Rachel's ear even though she knew Rachel was drunk and wouldn't understand why it was wrong.
"It's just a dance, Santana," Rachel informed her.
Santana licked her lips and looked up not to be distracted anymore. What she had to do was muffle down her lust for Rachel and make sure she survived this silly moment.
Rachel's hand sneaked up her own front, taking Santana's hand with her. She directed Santana's hand up her stomach and kept it there. Santana had to gather a great amount of self-control to keep from doing things to Rachel at the moment. It only got harder when Rachel's hand dragged further up and sneaked around Santana's neck, pulling her face even closer to Rachel's neck.
Santana couldn't help it anymore. Maybe she wasn't drunk on alcohol, but Rachel was certainly having an intoxicating effect on her. She dragged her lips up Rachel's neck to her ear and admitted, "you're killing me, Rachel." But only because she knew Rachel wouldn't remember in the morning.
"Two years, I've wanted you - you don't know anything about dying," Rachel chastised her.
The confession hit Santana hard like a cold block of ice was thrown at her chest. She gasped and turned Rachel in her arms, causing the girl to stumble at how rough she accidentally was. "What? You've wanted me for two years?"
But Rachel wasn't listening anymore. The song changed to some stupid pop song that was currently in the radio and at an ungodly volume, and it drowned out her question. The fact that Rachel was screaming how much she loved the song didn't help either.
Santana couldn't help but wonder though - did she really hear that right? Was Rachel only playing with her?
She had had enough of Rachel and her games. She decided that it was "enough!" Yelled Santana at Rachel who stopped dancing like a maniac to pay attention to her, finally. With many years of cheerleading on her, she threw Rachel over her shoulder and jumped off the table. She managed to land on her feet, without even causing a strain, and took the girl out of the party, with Kurt trailing close behind.
"Is she okay?" Kurt kept asking.
Santana mostly ignored him in favor of debating with her mind.
Don't be a fool, she can't love you, one side of her brain argued.
And why not? I've been a good friend and I'm very attractive, the other side would counter.
Maybe because she's straight, the first side would remind her.
Yeah, but her parents are gay. She seems like she could be open to both genders -
Her parents are gay - not her, and you know that. Just look at her history: Finn, Puck, Jesse, Brody...
The first side seemed to win for a while but then the second side came back with a raging argument that made her mind.
She definitely just admitted to wanting you for two years - fuck her history.
For three days Santana didn't see Rachel.
Not by choice, obviously. It was clear that her roommate and best friend was back to avoiding her.
Monday night Rachel came home. She had a duffle bag with her, and a Yale sweatshirt on.
"I visited Quinn," Rachel told her when she asked where she was. "I used the metro pass she bought me and - well, she was very nice to me and showed me around. I met her friends and her boyfriend. His name is Christian and he's an adorable hipster-looking Theater major. They might be bearding for each other, but that's just my humble opinion."
The response was a lot more than she even cared for. "So why couldn't you have let me know, with a text or something?"
And also, fuck Quinn for not letting her know.
Rachel breathed in deeply, "I needed time."
"Did you guys sleep together?" Santana asked, jealousy surging within her.
"What?!" Rachel asked, dumfounded. "Quinn and I? Did you just miss me telling you about her boyfriend?"
"Yeah, one you just said you think is gay! And we both know Quinn is totally queer and in love with you!"
Rachel stepped back with the impact of the information being thrown at her. "She's not," she mumbled. "In love with me. Is she?"
Santana felt threatened by the way Rachel asked such question so delicately. She hoped that by this point, Rachel would be back ready to talk about their relationship, but now she had managed to steer Rachel toward Quinn. "Are you really this oblivious about the way people feel toward you? Is it really that difficult for you to understand that people might actually want you, Rachel?!"
God, this girl was just so frustrating with those doe-eyes and the pouty lips. "Santana - I don't know why you're acting this way. Your behavior is unwarranted and -"
"Fuck that, Rachel. You know very well why I'm upset. I'm jealous. And not of you for spending time with Quinn. You know why, too!"
"Santana, I already told you that nothing happened between Quinn and I, and even if it had it's none of your business who I do or do not sleep with."
"I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me back, Rachel. If you tell me that, if you have the guts to lie to me like that, then I'll finally be able to move on."
"Santana! I don'- what? Where did you get this idea?" Rachel fumbled with her bag to lift it from the floor and take it to her room, but Santana grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her back into her.
The moment their bodies collided, their eyes closed. Santana opened hers to find Rachel's still closed, mouth hanging open to allow her to breathe. "This, Rachel. What is this?" Santana touched her fingertips to Rachel's chest above her heart and felt as her heart seemingly tried to rip off.
"I don't-" Rachel said as she tried to pry open her eyes, eyelashes dancing against each other as she struggled to gain control of her desire.
Santana saved her the trouble of lying again and let her know, "you've already confessed to me that you've wanted me for the last two years. Whatever you say now, I won't be able to believe so measure your words wisely."
Rachel seemed surprised, caught in the moment. She opened her eyes at once and moved away from Santana's hold. "You - what? I what? When?" With a triumphant smile, Santana filled her in the happenings of Friday night at the party. She watched as Rachel went from tan to white to pale, "you don't know what you're talking about."Rachel finally says and looks away.
Santana hated that Rachel kept denying it, but she also knew not to push it. She sighed, "fine, Rachel. You win again."
"What?" She blinked, then gulped.
Santana told her, "I'm going out," and left with no intentions of coming back that night.
That same night she ended things with Casey.
Not that Santana didn't like the girl, or that Santana didn't have fun with her, or that Santana didn't think she was gorgeous - it was because Santana couldn't stop thinking about Rachel and how she had admitted to wanting her too.
And yeah, Rachel had denied it in her sober state, right after a weekend spent with Quinn of all people (which shouldn't make her this jealous but it does), but she knew she wasn't wrong that Rachel had feelings for her back
So she felt bad stringing Casey along.
Casey took it well, of course. The damn girl was perfect: she understood where Santana was coming from and sincerely hoped the two could be together. Why couldn't Santana like her?
It takes a fool (fool)
It takes a fool (fool)
It takes a fool (fool) to love you
And oh I'm just the fool for you
Yeah, now, I'm just the fool for you
I'm just the fool for you
The phone call from Quinn was unexpected but once the phone was ringing in her hand, it made perfect sense.
"Don't fucking break her heart, Santana. I swear to God -"
"What are you talking about, Quinn?" Santana interrupted Quinn's way of greeting her. She knew what Quinn meant but she needed her to say it for confirmation. Confirmation would be good. Still, Santana was annoyed by the very thought that Quinn had the right to make this demand.
On the other side of the line, Santana heard Quinn sigh. "You know what I mean-"
"Just say it."
"Rachel's in love with you. She's been in love with you for quite sometime now. She, uh - well, she spent the weekend here trying to 'forget' someone but wouldn't shut up about you." This was exciting for Santana - knowing she had made the right decision about breaking up with Casey made her feel less bad about it.
"What'd she say?" She questioned Quinn. It felt wrong to be taking advantage of Quinn like this, and hearing about Rachel's secret from someone other than, but she needed to know.
Quinn admitted, "she didn't flat out say she loved you, but I know because she talks about you the way I talk about her to my friends here." Quinn took a breather and added, finalization in her voice - as if finally admitting something to herself and giving up, "so don't fucking break her heart. I've already done my share, as well as Finn and Brody... Take care of her, Santana. She's scared and with reason - give her time, be gentle, be you."
Santana decided that listening to Quinn might be a good thing. Although they've had their shares of trysts - the bad and the good kind, - Quinn has almost always been someone she could trust.
She felt kind of bad that Rachel never shared the same feelings Quinn's had for her for this entire time. She wondered if they'd have worked out - Quinn and Rachel. Maybe, if there hadn't been so much involving the two in high school - including, but not limited to, Rachel's biological mom adopting Quinn's baby.
But then she also knew that Rachel was a person without bullshit and that if she really had wanted Quinn, she wouldn't have held anything over their relationship.
Santana shook her head, because this was about them - Rachel and she.
It only took her a minute or so of laying in bed not thinking about Rachel and Quinn that her mind drifted off to whether she and Quinn could have worked out. The sexual chemistry was great. They already knew that and had one memorable night to prove it, but maybe their personalities were too alike to ever truly work as a relationship.
Just when she thought she would fall asleep, the bedroom door opened. Light streamed into her room, creating a silhouette of the person standing under the threshold.
Santana knew it could only be Rachel because Kurt would have knocked (he always did after he accidentally opened the door to see Santana in a very compromising position), and his hair was not that long. The bed gave away that she sat up, but even in the dark, she knew Rachel could see her just as well as she could see Rachel.
"Rach-" she started, still a bit disoriented at Rachel's presence in her room, "what are you doing here?"
Rachel scoffed, quietly, as she walked closer to the bed and closer to Santana sitting in the middle of, "I'm scared." Santana saw the silhouette shrug. Then she sat at the edge of her bed and looked at Santana. In total darkness, Santana could still feel Rachel's gaze penetrating into her own scared eyes.
"It's okay," she told Rachel, scooting closer to the back of the girl. "I feel the same," she admitted, letting her forehead fall on Rachel's shoulderblade.
"You do?" Rachel questioned, turning her head to the left.
Santana sighed, satisfied that Rachel was finally giving way for them to talk, for them to understand everything - feelings and all the other stuff in between. "Yeah, I do. Come here," Santana coaxed her into her arms and said, "we can take this as slow as you need to."
Rachel started to cry against her chest, her sobbing made her entire body shake, "I tried so hard to not let this happen but I can't take it anymore; I can't, I can't, Santana. I- you're. Ugh! You're insufferable and absurd most times and I can't stand you 99% of the time... but," Rachel breathed out through her mouth right against Santana's already dampening skin from her crying. "I can't not imagine not having you in my life."
"Hey," she said soothingly, "I... kind of understand where you're coming from. I - shit, I fucking hate it that you're crying in my arms because of how I make you feel - that's not how things should be." She took a much needed pause to breathe and to remind herself that as hard as this is, Rachel loves her back and that's all that matters. "But, even if we don't - can't - work out, I'm going to be here. I'm not going anywhere; we're still friends, I still care for you."
"When you told me you were looking for an apartment, Santana - I don't know what I would've done not to let you go."
"Rachel, I was leaving because I thought you wanted me gone, but if you don't - I'm all yours."
Rachel sunk further into Santana at the confession, still crying but no longer sobbing, "don't make promises you can't keep, Santana." Rachel warned her with a playful poke to her arm.
It was a joke, sure, but Santana knew it was more than that. She knew Rachel meant that, "I mean it: I'm yours. It's a promise; I'm in it for the long run."
Rachel pulled away but kept Santana at arms' length as she scrutinized her face in the dark, trying to figure it out if she really meant that. "Shit," Rachel said. "Shit, I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe you - and me."
"Well, believe it, baby," Santana said as she laid back down with Rachel pressed next to her. Every inch of the other girl touched every inch of her side - one of Rachel's legs crossed Santana's lower half and she could feel Rachel's cold foot on her shin.
Laughing, Rachel said, "you're a fool for loving me, Santana. You could do much better."
And as a response, Santana sang: "Fool me, baby, for the rest of my life and I'll be happy, happy as a broken girl can be."