Naruto is the creative property of Masashi Kishimoto, who created this wonderful anime/manga series. Anything not attributed to Kishimoto-san belongs to their respective owners, for examble Touhou is the creative property of ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice, the rest --- "Have Fun Figuring 'Em Out!", and vice-versa. This story is written purely just for fun, so please, call off your lawyers. As college students, we have no money. On the other hand, any specific author created characters created for this fic (despite how unoriginal they may be at times) are ours. So without further adieu, let's get on with the show!
The Surgeon General's Warning:
Read at your own risk.
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The Touhou Project X: Manipulation of Immortal Lives
The Bewilderment of Nara Shikamaru
Chapter 01:
Exposition Sucks
A Drabbly AU fanfic brought to you by the egos of James "Ray" Edwards and Tempest Dynasty
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Most people would think that the End of the Universe is a pretty spectacular place. If you subscribe to any number of Judeo-Christian related opium, that is organized religion: the End of the Universe (abbreviated EotU henceforth) is all brimstone, hellfire, big golden gates, folks raised from the dead to judged by the Big G (AKA God, O Heavenly Father, He of 99 Beautiful Names, etc.), and Jesus Christ and his buddies are Ghetto Super Stars back in B.C. '69. Of couse, other people who don't subscribe to fiery evangelicals and Scientoligists stealing your money for super powers have different artistic visions of EotU, such as a wasteland of despair under a blistering hot sun, maybe a volcano at your five o'clock shadow with a great burning eye glaring at you.But seriously y'all fatalistic, existential gloomy heads, the EotU ain't that bad at all. In fact, it's right in your proverbial backyard where you used to...let's not get into that for the narrator (the voice of divine record) here is digressing into the Ramble Zone. Back on topic, yes, if you really want to find EotU, all a Curious George has to do is book himself a trip on a Southeast Asian sea cruise where hopefully he or she (or she-he or he-she) will be willingly or unwillingly kidnapped by your modern day Bonnie and Clyde on a surplus Vietnam War-era torpedo boat. You will then be spirited off to a port city that does not exist officially anywhere in any Almanac and the Thai Government professes complete innocence and ignorance to this crazy town even being there:
Roanapur, City of Villians, See No Evil -- Hear No Evil -- Speak No Evil; they even went as far to tear out the Buddha statue's eyes out, naturally out of respect for the great prince and good karmic balance, that's been carved out of a spiky island hill way out in the bay. Folks see it all the time when they come and go, and the few people who give a damn are perfectly cool with any disrespect and juvenile defamations tossed at Buddha, as long as nobody tries to go graffiti him.
They really don't like the graffiti.
Now, if it was not obvious before from all the symbolism the narrator just laid down, he will tell you again. This city is a God-forsaken hellhole: any vice you desire, anything you want, can be had for a price. Neon signs, skyscrapers, new construction, ghettos, seedy motels, run down police stations, vigilantes, psychopaths, sociopaths, mercenary folk, churches promising absolution to any who promise to them a fee and their undying faith, anything and everything the human and inhuman mind can devise is here. This is not a place for human beings; hell, human beings in this place are like cheap gasoline you burn off on your morning commute to work, and complain about shelling out 30 or more dollars at the pump a few days later for gas.
Human beings are just another form of currency. The lucky or unlucky ones that actually manage to survive? Well, they don't stay human beings for long. Roanpur is a classic examble of why those who fight with monsters need to worry about becoming monsters themselves. It's in the very air you breathe, the corruption, the hedonism, and eventually, it will get to you too.
The million dollar question now is why the hell would the Gods of yester year and today --- be they Elder Gods, Old Gods, Middle Gods, New Gods --- would want anything to do with EotU? Two big reasons:
1. In Roanpur, there exists the possibility for infinite gain and infinite loss, that is to say, there exists limitless potential here. If there was something you could not accomplish back in the day when you still had your power divine status and millions of worshippers at your feet, here was the place to start over and try again.
2. Boredom.
Yes. It is the fatal archenemy of any immortal being out there: Boredom.
But before the narrator moves on, there is a fatal issue that must be addressed before this tale moves on... The Gods --- what the hell is the narrator talking about you know? It is a really, really, really, really, absurdly complicated issue but for time constraints, the short and easy is the many Gods created by polytheistic humans back in the day never really died out, even with the coming of Big G (The One GOD), who has been enjoying huge amounts of popularity for some time now. Plus, it was kinda hard to die, as they had essentially become "heroes" in human culture. As long as one person even cared for them, they would continue to exist.
Now, of course, not everybody had the same level of power in the post-Jehova era, but some folks did come pretty close. In particular, were the Elder Gods and New Gods who had moved into management status positions, and were essentially responsible for time and times beyond the Big G's jurisdiction. Well... actually they kinda moved in like loan sharks and mafia goons, as for whatever reasons the Big G had turned a blind eye to these "gap" universes.
This brings us then full circle to Boredom and the duties of the Pantheon of Gods (the PoG for short). Chief amongst their duties is to do whatever the heck the Big G does not take care of, such as the administration of universes the Big G has not taken jurisdiction over, the occasional miracle, and of course, fighting each other for "sport." The other big thing is of course keeping the Big G on its mighty toes by playing a near constant game of hide and seek: the Big G is "IT" and they are the "Seekers." Whoever finds Big G gets to become the next Big G, so one can imagine the sheer amount of controversy and effort that goes into the endeavor.
The Boredom sets in from the fact, that even though they be immortal beings, day to day life eventually becomes routine, no matter how thrilling it is to make like Genghis Khan to mere mortals: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." Not to mention, it sucks balls that nobody has been able to catch Big G so far in around --- oh --- the past 3000 or so years, and lo behold, the necessity to find other forms of amusement when they are feeling --- depressed.
For starters, they needed a place to hang out, and what better location than the End of the Universe? Hell yes! But they could not just bum together out in the streets. Oh no, they were high class wanksta gangstas, and they needed their own pad, a place they could call a home away from "home." What they needed was... a club, but not just any club. The greatest entertainment mecca in the universe, the best club in the universe with: the most beautiful strippers ever to walk the cosmos on three runways, the hugest of HUGE big screen TV, TVs hanging from the ceiling like disco balls for information overload, and a Bar hat Never Ends. Oh but that's not all, it still gets better because they had all the best "company" for hire at your beck and call, a 7-star triple-X rated all-you-can-eat-anything restaurant (yes, anything! Dying for Sirloin of Virgin? They got your palette covered!), the most awesome bands and MCs and killer sound systems period; it had to be the Oceans Eleven of COOL.
VIP and Invitation basis only!
And so, Club Ragnarock was born.
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To be continued...
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Author's Notes:
This is what happens when you let two evil and insane guys brainstorm a story spawned from an errant thought while discussing other topics. Stick around -- this'll be a fun ride.
Thank you all for tuning in and remember, I always encourage each and everyone of you to feel free to comment, review, and/or discuss the story. If you're up to it, feel free to ring me up on AIM, or even send me an e-mail (although you really don't need to boost my ego too often). You know how to get in touch with the maestro here.
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Tsudzuku!