"Hey. Hi. Hello. Fontaine Futuristics Customer Service?"
"Great! You would not believe the run-around I've been given. I've been trying to reach this number for an hour. I must've been put on hold five times before I…"
"Anyway, love your products. Huge fan. My wife is just thrilled with that new one...whassat called...Whirlwind! Dries the laundry like you wouldn't believe. I'm an Incinerate man myself. Lost every lighter I ever had before I got a light I couldn't lose."
"Heh…yeah."
"So...uh, getting to the point of this call. You recall that promotion you had a while back? The one where you get free plasmids if you give Fontaine Futuristics permission to route one of them little sister tunnels through your property? Well...I'm coming to regret the decision."
"No, it isn't that. The skittering in the walls don't bother me none. It's just nature, y'know? Like raccoons in the attic. The problem is…"
"...that one of your GOTDAMN BIG DADDIES just busted straight through my apartment. I got a hole the size of Wisconsin in my bedroom wall! You know how hard it's gonna be to live in marital bliss when the Joneses are judging you from the other side? You know what my wife is gonna say when she comes home and"-
"W-What? Did I catch a serial number? What kinda question is that? You ever seen one of those things run or were you born and raised behind that desk? No, I didn't catch a serial number! I saw a blur of canvas and next thing I know, I'm covered in plaster and there's a daddy-shaped hole where my kids' pictures used to be."
"Oh yeah? Think that's funny? The bill ain't gonna be funny, oh ho ho no. And I ain't paying for it. You can bet your sorry job on"-
"I don't know where the hell it went! I told you, the thing was a blur. Ask the Joneses, maybe they saw it when it tore through their place."
"Um hm."
"Yeah?"
"You really can't do anything without the serial number, can you?"
"Well, fuck you and FUCK FONTAINE."
"'You don't fuck Fontaine?' The hell is that supposed to mean? Hey look, I will fuck whomever I damn well please in court and your fucking boss had better be damn fucking aware that I ain't gonna"-
"Hello?"
"Goddamn parasite."