Title: The Ultimate Revenge: Part 1
Author: PocketFace
Pairing: Kyle/Cartman
Rating: R - Adult themes, swearing
Summary: After Kyle starts dating Wendy, Cartman's pissed. He comes up with an ultimate revenge to get both of them back good. But, he makes a fatal mistake...
Disclaimer: Kyle, Cartman, Wendy, Butters, Dougie and Stan are (c) Matt und Trey
Author's Note: Wow. What to say about this fic. The plot has been sitting in my brain for a while, and I had to turn it over and think it out a lot of times. I even had to rewrite the plot twice, and I still ended up changing it while writing it. I think it's the best thing I've written so far, and I have positive feedback from my beta-er(petals-on-scarecrows) that says it's pretty good. So I hope everyone else likes it. I will be posting it in four parts, not chapters. To me, it's a one-shot, but it's far too long to read in one sitting. This is all pre-written, so there won't be any prolonged waits between parts. Enjoy!
"What the fuck?!"
A lovely start to my morning. Of course he felt the need to tell me the awesome news right in the middle of my bagel.
"I-I... I thought you knew..." he looked down sheepishly and wrung his hands. I rolled my eyes.
"Jesus, Butters! Why would I know that? I'm not really friends with Kyle and I haven't talked to Wendy in years!" I took an angry bite of my bagel, and I was momentarily unable to yell at Butters. He took this opportunity to explain himself.
"Well, I-I thought you kinda stalked her on MySpace or whatever so she would've said it there... I'm mighty sorry I just sprung it on you like that, Eric..." he looked up at me with his great blue eyes and I sighed.
"Forget it, Butters. I would've been angry no matter how you said it..." I said sullenly. His face lit up immediately, staring over the table at me with a look of sheer happiness. I rolled my eyes again and smiled bemusedly at him.
"It's a wonder you haven't found a boyfriend yet" I mused, grinning. Butters blushed bright red and glanced around warily. No one dared sit at a table near ours, and it wasn't like anyone would listen to us anyways.
"Chill out, Butters. It's not like everybody doesn't already know that you're gay." I said with a shrug. Butters nearly jumped, his eyes widening. I couldn't hold back my grin.
"Eric! Sh-Shut up!" he glanced around again, "You really think it's thank obvious?" he asked, looking himself over. I laughed and shook my head, changing the subject.
"God, I'm gonna shoot Kyle!" I said, glaring across the lunchroom.
"You know what the principal said. If you suspended again they won't let you pass your junior year." Butters said offhandedly, messing self-consciously with his hair.
I sighed, he was right. I'd already been suspended 3 times this year. I growled, putting my head down.
Kyle. I'd always liked messing with him. I love how angry he got. Damn Jew. But now he'd gone and done something insanely stupid. He'd taken my-
"Y'know, don't hate me 'cause I said this, but why are you so pissed? She's not yours. She can date whoever she wants. And you know as well as I do that she'd never go out with you again. That ship has sailed." Butters stated, pursing his lips at me. I shot him a glare and didn't respond. He was right again. I didn't have a chance with her. I closed my eyes, reliving that day two years ago. I shook the memory from my head. The basic gist of the event was that somehow she liked me, I fell in love with her, and she strung me along for a month or two before dumping me for that asshat Stanley Marsh.
She just couldn't cope with the stares and snide comments. Typical chick. I never did get along with girls very well. And the one girl I could get along with couldn't handle my obscene unpopularity. Hell, the only reason I was friends with Butters was because out unpopularity was about equal. Being unpopular can get really lonely when you don't have anyone to share it with.
The bell rang and I stirred, standing up.
"Why don't you come up with one of your ingenious plans that doesn't involve getting expelled?" Butters rolled his eyes, standing and following me out of the cafeteria.
I smirked. Maybe...
"Butters! I got it!"
"Wh-what the f-frick, Eric?!" Butters stammered. I could tell I had scared the shit out of him.
"I got it! My plan."
"Oh..." Butters yawned, "Good grief, Eric! It's frickin' 5 AM!"
"So?" I said indifferently and Butters groaned.
"Well, what is it?" he asked with a sigh.
"Okay, get this: I'm gay."
"What?!"
"Hypothetically."
"Oh..."
"Anyways, I tell Kyle I'm head-over-heels for him, obviously he's freaked. At first he's like 'hell no' but I gradually work my way into my thoughts, make sure there's never a moment where I'm not somewhere in his brain. And then: it happens! He falls for me."
"Wait... What makes you so sure that he'll fall for you?" Butters asked, stifling another yawn.
"Look, I know Kyle. I know just what to say to turn him into butter."
"Hm. Is that it?"
"Oh, no. No, no, no. That's just the beginning. So, he falls for me, and I orchestrate a kiss between me and him that will just happen to be seen by Wendy. Therefore, I'll break her heart like she broke mine."
"Wonderful. Revenge is sweet. But how do you get rid of Kyle?"
"Dump him. Wait until he says 'I love you' and break his heart."
"Goll-God, Eric. That's pretty harsh."
"He deserves it."
"Why? I already told you- She's. Not. Yours. And what did Kyle do? I could understand Wendy, but Kyle didn't even know."
"...I... Don't care."
"Of course you don't." Butters sighed, "Well, for a horrible, heartless plan it's an ingenious one."
"Yep." I said, rather proud of myself.
"Ugh. You're as ass. I'm not taking any part of this, but I won't try to stop you because I know it won't do any good." he said with another sigh.
"I don't need your help."
"Then why did you tell me?!"
"'Cause. I thought it was rather awesome."
"It's great." I could almost hear Butters roll his eyes.
"You're an ass."
"I know."
"Did you tell him yet?" Butters asked me one morning as he arrived at our usual table in the cafeteria.
"Huh?"
"Kyle?" Butters asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Oh, right. No, I can't yet."
Butters sat down and there was stretch of silence. I went back to finishing my math homework.
"Why not?" Butters asked and I looked up, surprised.
"Huh? -Oh. Because they're not in love yet. I have to wait a month or two. A month and thirteen days, to be exact."
"Is that how long Wendy strung you along for?"
"...Yes." I stated bitterly, "I thought you didn't want anything to do with this."
Butters shrugged, "It's actually pretty interesting. Like a sitcom... It needs a side plot, though. Maybe I could be the side plot." Butters giggled. I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah sure. A side plot about how you and Dougie are gonna hook up." I said with a snicker.
"Shut up." Butters said and halfheartedly hit me. I couldn't help but noticed how distracted mentioning Dougie made him.
Butters grew quiet, and I eyed him warily. Dougie, to him, was like Wendy to me. Except without all the hate and the rotten past. ...He just had a huge crush on the boy.
They had been good friends for years, but when Butters' dad moved out(with Butters' new step dad), Dougie's parents stopped letting them be friends and sent their son to a private school.
Not that people ever really were nice to Butters, but after his dad moved out it got a hundred times worse.
Around that time, I became his friend.
"Uh, I've been wondering... I don't think you have Kyle pegged right. I mean, you talk to him about once a year."
"Not true. We've been talking a lot on the internet." I said matter-of-factly, closing my math book. Butters raised his eyebrows at me.
"What? He found me! He got my email through the school. He said... I dunno. He wanted to be friends again." I shrugged, slightly embarrassed.
"Maybe this will work." Butters chuckled.
One month and thirteen days later
I sat in the park, waiting. I was almost giddy with excitement, I had to keep wiping the grin off of my face and look sober. I tried to look scared and hopeful, like I was about to admit my undying love to a crush. I held back a giggle.
I was sitting on a bench in the park, awaiting Kyle. Earlier I had left him a message to meet me here.
It was all carefully orchestrated down to the way I tied my shoes. I had the whole conversation mapped out, including the days afterward. I knew just what to say and I'd predicted what he would say.
I looked up, inspecting the park. I saw a flash red hair and my head shot back down. I carefully constructed an expression to make Kyle stop and think. It was desperation, nervousness and hopefulness. With a drop of insomnia for flavor.
"...Eric?" I heard the voice and looked up. Kyle blinked, obviously surprised by my expression.
"Oh, Kyle. I'm glad you came." I said with a weak smile.
"Are you alright?" he asked, sitting down next to me.
"I'm... Living." I said, looking back down, "Kyle, I need to tell you something... I know you're dating Wendy and everything but... I just... I can't keep it in anymore. I'm sorry but... I... I think I'm in love with you..." I propped my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands.
"Eric..."
"If you never want to talk to me again I'll-I'll understand..." I said, making my voice shiver.
"Eric, I... I don't know what to say... I'm sorry but I-" Kyle paused, and I wished that I could've seen his expression change. Thankfully my hands were covering my face so he couldn't see me mouth his next words.
"Shit, Cartman?! Are you fucking with me?! Jesus, you're an asshole! You're not fucking gay! You dated Wendy!" Kyle stood, pointing at me accusingly. I looked up, making tears coming to my eyes. I watched his angry expression falter.
"I may be an asshole, but I wouldn't lie about something like that!" I stood, letting a tear fall, "You could've just said no..."
I stormed past, shoving against Kyle's shoulder. I bowed my head and hurried away, hugging myself.
"Eric..." I heard softly, and I broke into a run. Once I was positive that Kyle wasn't following me or within earshot, I stood up straight and thrust my fist into the air with a whoop.
"And... Cut!" I said to myself, pulling out my cell phone. I decided to call Butters on the way home and tell him the good news.
"I deserve an academy award for that." I said as soon as Butters picked up.
"You're an-" there was a pause and a sound like a door shutting, "Asshole."
"I know! I'm so awesome." chuckled. Butters sighed.
"I'm guessing it went well." he said monotonously.
"It went better than I thought! You should've seen his face, Butters. At first he was all angry, and then he looked all shocked when I cried. It was so pre-perfect." I blinked, surprised at myself. Why had I just almost called him pretty? Well, he did have good looks, but then why was I embarrassed? Butters, of course, missed it.
"So. What's next on the agenda?"
"I wait. I know I got under his skin. It's only a matter of time before he apologizes."
"Wait-apologizes? I thought you said that's when it 'happens'?"
"Well, that's the beauty of it. He comes to my house to apologize, but I'm not there. I'm at the park again. And I just happen to know that Wendy walks her dog in that park every day."
"So, she'll see him apologize? Oh, no!" Butters asked sarcastically.
"Just wait. The magic happens when I kiss him."
"You kiss him?"
"I kiss him."
"Okay, so Wendy sees. Who's to say she won't see Kyle punching you in the face?" Butters said with a giggle.
"Oh, she won't. See, Kyle will be thinking about me almost nonstop. And in at least one minute of that time he will wonder what 'we' would be like. And that curiosity will guarantee me at least ten second of kissing back. So, I just need Wendy to see those ten seconds. "
"Genius."
"I know."
"Why don't you just stop it there?"
"Stop what?"
"Your plan. Why not just stop it there? I don't see why you have to make him fall in love with you. I told you before, he didn't do anything." Butters scolded.
"I..." I thought. Why did I include Kyle?
"Because he's an ass." I said, shaking my head.
"Unless you really want him to fall in love with you" Butters cooed.
"Ugh. Shut up Butters.
"Kyle and Eric Sittin' in a tree..."
"Shut the fuck up, Butters." I spat and Butters was silenced immediately, "Shit. Mom's home. Gotta go." I closed my phone and quickly slipped it into my pocket, casually strolling up the walk.
"Eric sweetie! Is that you?" I cringed, putting on my sickening high voice.
"Yes mom. I'll be in my room."
"Eric! Can you go over to a friends' house tonight? Mommy has work to do."
I gave the kitchen door the bird and mouthed a few obscenities before answering.
"Sure, Mom." I called, stomping up the stairs.
Once in my room I dialed Butters again.
"Hey Butters. Mom doesn't want me home tonight. Can I come over?"
"Uh, I dunno. Lemme ask Mom." There was a clunk and the line went silent. I heard vague voices in the background and several second later Butters came back on.
"She says sure. Usual rules." Butters' voice was laced with hostility. I swear, the only person he's ever been pissed with is his mom. Maybe his dad. And I don't blame him; his parents are horrible.
"Cool. Thanks. I'll be over in an hour or two. I have some things to do."
I turned on my computer, grinning. Kyle was sure to be online now. All I had to do was sign on and then sign off.
Sure enough, I signed in and he was on. But just then I faltered, long enough for him to talk to me.
"Kyle says:
Eric, I'm sorry."
I hesitated, my fingers hovering over the keys. I decided against talking to him, swiftly clicking sign out.
I sighed, smacking my forehead. That might've given him the slightest inkling that I wanted to talk to him.
I shook my head, opening another window and going about my business.
"Hey Butters." I said monotonously when the blonde answered the door.
"Hey, Eric. Mom's drinking again so we pretty much have to stay in my room."
I shrugged, following him up the stairs. Once we were in his room the cloud of anger and depression lifted and Butters burst into a grin. I raised my eyebrows.
"Did you get laid or something?" I said with a bemused smile. Butters blushed and furrowed his eyebrows at me.
"No. Dougie emailed me!"
"Oh, really?" I said, trying not to sound too surprised, "How? I thought his parents looked at his computer?"
"Oh, well he usually uses one of those secrecy sites anyways, and he made a new email. It was soo sweet. He was like 'I missed you a lot'! Ahh! He's so amazing" he clapped his hands and suck down on the bed. I rolled my eyes.
"You're such a pussy, Butters. Just tell him that he turns your crank." I laughed, plopping down into his computer chair. Butters blushed lightly and stuck his tongue out at me.
"Shut up Eric. Oh my god, guess what his screen name was!" Butters said, leaning forward.
"What?!" I said, exaggerating my excitement. Butters frowned at me but continued.
"It was General Disarray!" he stated that like it meant something. I blinked and raised an eyebrow.
"Remember, when we were kids? I was Professor Chaos and he was General Disarray. We spread havoc all over town!" Butters said excitedly, and I raised an eyebrow at him.
"...Oh yeah! I remember! You had that retarded costume and you used to pretend that nobody knew who you were. And you did stupid stunts like stealing the eraser." I laughed, doubling over. When I sat back up and wiped my eyes Butters was glaring at me.
"Well, anyways." he made a point of crossing his arms, "He was my sidekick, and then we pretty much stayed friends after that."
"Isn't he like three years younger than you?" I asked, picking up some stupid girl magazine. I didn't even wonder why Butters had it.
"Two years and six months." he said with a pout.
"And you're turning eighteen next year?"
"Yeah."
"And he's turning... 15?"
"...Yeah."
"Anything wrong with that to you?"
"Shut up, Eric."
"Well, good luck with that, Mr. Pedophile." I laughed, tossing the magazine away.
We heard a distant door slamming, another softer door slamming, and a car starting and driving away. I was quiet, eyeing Butters. I knew how much his mother's indifference hurt him, and just the slightest things, like her leaving without a word, could drive him to tears.
He sniffed and wiped his eyes, turning away from me.
"Come on, let's go watch TV." I said softly, standing up, "We can watch Queer Eye or whatever gay shit you like." I added, smirking. Butters stood, stalking past me with a hint of a smile.
Woo! There's the end of Part 1. Part 2 will air next Wednesday. See you then!
P.S. I may update earlier if I feel like it. And I get enough whiney reviews.