Insert disclaimer here
This takes place at Sectionals. The TroubleTones did not compete against New Directions for reasons explained below so therefore there was no reason to drag Sam away from his family.
Mercedes paced from one side of the green room to the other. Noah Puckerman watched the short black girl wear a rut in the linoleum tile. "Can you just stop?" The Mohawked boy said finally. "You wanted this and now that Rachel's suspended have at it. You've got this!"
"So tell me, what would Miss Berry be doing right now?"
"Well," Puck said "She wouldn't be standing way over there." Mercedes walked over and stood in front of him. "That's better." He put his hand on her knee. "And she wouldn't be so cold."
"Puck!"
"You weren't so cold yesterday." he said sweetly.
"Temporary insanity." she said, but she smiled as she said it.
"You've dumped Shane. What's the problem?"
"No problem," She chewed her bottom lip for a second. "It's just too sudden. I mean, if Kurt hadn't bailed on us none of that would have happened."
"It would have happened because it was meant to happen." He slid his hand up Mercedes's thigh.
"Puck! " She giggled. "Somebody could walk in."
"So? They'd only be jealous of how lucky I am." He inched his hand higher. Just a few more inches to paradise.
"Yeah, well..." She jumped backwards as the the rest of New Directions barged into the room.
"Well, Mercedes," Rachel said "Congratulations and I'm sure you'll do a more than adequate job."
Adequate? "Thank you Rachel. I've always found your performances tolerably adequate as well."
Rachel frowned at her. Adequate? She tried to think of a snarky come back.
"Ladies," Puck put an arm around each girl. A female sandwich, his favorite kind! "Let's try to keep the estrogen level under control here. Rachel, you should be grateful Mercedes stepped up to the plate for New Directions. She's what we need to get to the next level."
"Well, if it wasn't for stupid show choir rules..."
"Of course McKinely can't send two groups to the competition!" Mercedes said with exasperation. "Thank god Artie read the damn rulebook or we all would have been disqualified."
"Ms. Jones is correct, as always." Puck said with an ingratiating smile. "We would have all been disqualified. And Ms. Berry, I would be honored to show you the proper ballot stuffing technique. I promise you, they'll never even know it happened."
Both girls rolled their eyes.
"Now, if you'll excuse me Rachel, I have a job to do." Mercedes pulled Puck behind her to the stage.
They stood backstage waiting for the music to start.
"So about last night..." Puck started.
"Mistake, didn't I say that several times already?"
"Fate. It's fate babe. And you know what they say about fate."
"No, I don't. What do they say about fate?"
"That it's fate!" She snickered at that. "What else is there to say?" he continued.
"Well, golly gee whiz Mr. Puckerman. Since you put it like that."
"Damn right, so you ready to meet your fate?" He lightly stroked her collar bone.
"Let me sleep on it."
"Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking 'bout." he said with a fist-pump.
"I didn't say I'd sleep on you!" She giggled and shook his hand off. "Are you asking me out on a date? A go out to a movie date? A deliver me to my front door in the same condition you picked me up in date?"
"Gee, babe. That last part may be a deal breaker."
"Why don't you sleep on it?" She heard their intro music. "We're up babe."
If I were your woman
And I was your man
There would be no other woman
You'd be weak as a lamb
If you had the strength to walk out that door
My love would overrule my sense I would call you back for more
If I was your woman
If you were my woman
And I was your man, Yeah!
Puck was totally throwing her off balance, they didn't practice it this way. The vocals are supposed to stand for themselves, there is no choreography. Of course Schuester complained, he complained about everything she did, but he lets Rachel just stand there and sing all the time. But now Puck is circling her on the stage, showing an intensity she hadn't seen all week. What's wrong with him?
Life is so crazy
And love is so unkind
Because he came first, darlin'
Will he stay on your mind?
You're a part of me
And you don't even to know it
I'm what you need
But I'm too afraid to show it
Puck fell to his knees, grabbing her hand. What the fuck? Ran through the mind of each member of New Directions. Mercedes played along, holding his hands and swaying to the music.
If I were your woman
If you were my woo woo woman
If I were your woman
Here's what I'd do, Oh
I'd never, no, no, no
Stop loving you!
They ran offstage to thunderous applause.
"That's not how you practiced it." Rachel and Santana said at the same time.
"So sue me!" Puck gave Mercedes a quick peck on the lips and ran back on-stage for the next song. Mercedes stood there, thinking about last night.
A green-eyed blonde stood in the back of the auditorium watching New Directors perform "That Old Black Magic". Sam Evans wondered briefly where all those extra girls came from but then got back to his main problem. That duet they just finished. Damn it! He was too far back to get a good look at her expression. Was that 'just a song' or 'a song with meaning'? Damn it! Why didn't he call her, tell her he was coming back? Damn it! He kicked himself for the saying what he did the last time he talked to her.
"Oh, Sam. I miss you so much."
"I miss you too baby."
"You do?" She asked eagerly. "Cause I was thinking. Kentucky's not that far away, not really. I could come visit you, if your parents didn't mind, if you had room. It's not that far away, not really."
"Mercy, we've gone over this before."
"I know, it's not practical to do it a lot of times, but once?"
"I think, doing it this way, is like slowly peeling off a bandaid. Maybe we should..."
"Maybe we should what?" Her voice suddenly turned cold.
"Maybe we should just end it now." He said slowly. No answer. "Because you mentioned that guy Shane that asked you out? Maybe you should..."
"Yeah, right! Maybe WE should call it quits. Maybe WE don't want to be tied down to somebody who's..." Yes, she was definitely angry. "Yes, that's definitely what WE should do!"
"Mercy! I didn't mean it like that!"
"Yeah, right! I gotta go. See ya" She disconnected, thinking how satisfying it must have been in the olden days when they slammed phones around. Now it's just pressing a button. Maybe should would call Shane. He's nice enough if you like talking about football. Maybe she could learn to like that.
Sam had it from an excellent source, a gossipy Kurt, that Shane didn't work out. He'd have to get that kind of information from Kurt. Mercedes unfriended him and ignored his texts and calls. The one time he'd heard her voice was when he used his mother's phone to call her. Once she determined there was no Evans family emergency she'd hung up and started ignoring that number too. Supposedly Mercedes is single again but then Kurt never knew about Sam, did he? Mercedes and Puck, singing partners or something more? Sam looked at Tina and Kurt, singing and dancing, but all he could see was Mercedes riding the Puckosauras.
Old, black magic has me in its spell.
Old, black magic that you weave so well.
Those icy fingers up and down my spine.
The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine.
Same old tingle that I feel inside.
And then that elevator starts its ride.
Down and down I go,
'Round and around I go,
Like a leaf caught in a tide.
Meanwhile, in the dressing room
"What's up Wheezy?" Santana asked, slipping out of the puffy red skirts the girls wore for the first number.
"Would you fucking stop calling me that!" Mercedes snapped.
"Jesus!" Santana muttered. "Ask a simple question."
"What exactly are you asking me?" Mercedes wiggled into the much tighter skirts they were wearing for the last number. She checked that the slit was positioned correctly and looked around for their props, black elbow-length gloves.
"You. Puck. Sizzling. What's up with that?"
"Nothing. You know how Puck is." She put on the sparkly bracelet the girls were wearing. "He just got carried away with the song when we were practicing."
"Carried away, huh?"
"Shit. I'm the only girl in this room Puck hasn't slept with." She looked at Santana, Britt and Quinn. Three skinny girls in slinky tight dresses, two beautiful blonds and a sexy Latina. Then she looked in a mirror. She'd do, at a distance. "One of these things is not like the others." she sang out loud. "One of these things just doesn't belong, Can you tell which thing is not like the others by the time I finish my song?"
"I love that song!" Britt gushed. "I'm gonna name my first baby Cookie. C is for cookie, that's good enough for me!" she grabbed Santana's hands and started dancing around the room. "Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!"
"Not sleeping with Puck is something to be proud of." Quinn pulled on her gloves, ignoring the Sesame Street sing-a-long. "Damn, I wish I was still in that club."
"Whatevs. In ten minutes this will be all over and Puck can go back to chasing what he really wants."
Many say
That I'm too young
To let you know just where I'm coming from.
But you will see
It's just a matter of time
My love will surely make you mine
Well, i'm
Livin' in a world of ghetto life
Everyone is so uptight
Nothin's wrong, it's alright, my man
I like the way we carry on
His love will send me on and on
With my man
My man!
People out there can you understand
I'm givin him somethin he can feel
To let him know this love is real
This love is real
The girls, Santana on lead with Quinn, Britt and Mercedes singing backup, gyrated across the stage, putting plenty of tease in this strip tease and every man, and several women, were feeling it alright. At one point they slowly peeled off one glove and threw it up in the air. Then they bent down, picked up the glove and let it slowly, slowly, drag up along the slit in their skirts. Sam couldn't take his eyes off Mercedes. What the fuck was he thinking, letting her get away? No wonder that man-whore Puck was all over her. Sam knew he had no one to blame but himself. Yes, they were far apart. Yes, Jessica was aggressive – fun at first but ultimately too aggressive for his taste. But still, what a woman he'd tossed aside!
Sam stood in the hallway, listening to the sounds of celebration coming from the New Directions dressing room. He should leave, he convinced himself. He's not wanted. He drove all that way for nothing. He saw that on-stage victory kiss Puck gave Mercedes. What nerve, sneaking a kiss at a time like that! And unlike the time he did it at Nationals, Mercedes looked like it wasn't the first time their lips collided. He could see her now, in a t-shirt emblazoned "Moved On." He turned to leave.
"Sam!" It was Rachel, coming out of the girls room and dabbing her eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"Are you okay?" He awkwardly patted her shoulder. "Were you crying?"
"It's that obvious?" She sniffled. "I always thought I was indispensable, their STAR. Obviously not." She took a deep breath "I'm okay. It was bound to happen sooner or later, here or in college. I'll survive. But you! What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see this performance so I drove up. I'm staying at Blaine's. That place is so big I could probably move in and nobody would even notice. They'd think I was the new gardener or some shit. I wanted to surprise Mercedes but it looks like Puck's keeping her entertained."
"Mercedes? They're just singing together because Tina threw a fit in practice, holding the costumes hostage until she got what she wanted. Mike called her out on it." The brown haired girl leaned towards him and whispered conspiratorially. "Told her this was not the time or place. Can't think of a better time, Tina said. Then she called him an ungrateful rat bastard and broke up with him on the spot. Said she was going to find somebody that thinks she's special. She barely finished telling Mike off before Artie made his move. But Puck and Mercedes?" Rachel kept careful track of Mercedes, her only real singing competition. "No, or if so they're keeping it damned quiet."
Sam didn't say it but he knew from experience how good she was at that, how much she'd insisted on it when they were together. Just then the door opened and Quinn walked into the hallway. Behind her Sam could see Puck and Mercedes in the far corner. Mercedes was waiving her spare skirt like a bullfighter while Puck charged at it. Mercedes was laughing and Sam knew he had lost her. Mercedes was a fool for a man who could make her laugh. A stupid joke, a weak impression, a lame pun and she turned into putty. According to Kurt that's why she dumped Shane. Boring. Puck, he was a fool for anything with a vagina.
"Sam!" Quinn said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"
From behind he saw Mercedes stop dead still. Then she turned and looked at him. First her face registered shock, then...
"Sammy!" Forgetting all about Puck, Mercedes launched herself at him. Sam caught her but the girl he left behind was heavier than this girl and Sam had spent a lot of time in the weight room, hiding from a Kentucky girl with big plans. As a result Sam lost his balance, so much so he almost fell over. Luckily he redirected so they landed on a sofa, Mercedes straddling him.
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Sam said with a low moan. "Damn I missed you."
"Me too baby. Me too!"
Then Sam did the unthinkable, something every boy in the group had been dying to do all week since Mercedes strutted into class with her new haircut, glorious natural curls that brought to mind hot exotic nights. Schuester immediately started on a rant about distracting hairdos but then Puck and Joe asked why was her natural hair a problem when their hawks and dreds weren't. Schuester backed down. Again. But Sam! Not only did he touch her hair- he ran his fingers through her hair! He took big handfuls and inhaled the scent. "Oh my God, baby! It looks so good! God, it's grown so much since I last saw it. Remember that time..."
He didn't have to finish, the way she squealed and wriggled in his lap said she remembered every detail of the time he washed her hair. And the part after that, too.
"Sam!" Will Schuester was shocked. Sam showed up out of the blue and now he and Mercedes are putting on the kind of show people pay money to see.
"What!" they both asked, suddenly remembering where they are.
"Mercedes, I'm surprised at you!"
"Me? It's not like we're in front of judges!" But she extricated herself from Sam anyway and sat down next to him and laced her fingers with his.
"Congratulations team!" Schuester chose to ignore her. Rachel would be back in competition soon and he wouldn't have to deal with this diva much longer. "To celebrate Emma and I are talking you all to Breadsticks."
"Can Sam come too?" Mercedes asked.
"From the looks of things nobody's going to be able to stop him from coming." Puck observed.
"Shut up Puck!" Mercedes shouted, turning so that her legs were draped over Sam's lap, hiding his crotch. Quite pleasant but it didn't help the situation at all. Made it was worse, actually. She'd exposed her most ticklish spot, right behind those gorgeous brown knees. What man could resist?
"Maybe Sam and Mercedes would like to meet us at Breadsticks?" Emma, her cheeks as red as her hair, asked while shooing the rest of the group from the room. "Santana, can you please make sure they make it out of here?"
Later – at Breadsticks
"So I guess you're tossing me like the trash, huh?" Puck asked, picking at his pizza.
"Puck, I told you last night was a mistake. And the way you go through girls?" Mercedes laughed. "You won't remember my name next week."
"Fine!"
If she didn't know better she'd think he was mad. "You know I was just a way to pass the time. I'll bet you've got a string of skinny girls all lined up."
A string of skinny girls? Did she have to use the same words Lauren used? "You always let him grab your hair like that?" Puck was furious, so much of Mercedes was off-limits in their one, and probably only, makeout session and reaching for her hair was was bought things to a screeching halt. 'This ain't no petting zoo' she'd said and sure enough, all petting was over. "You almost broke my arm for doing that." he whined.
"What can I say?" She beamed in Sam's general direction. "There's a story, a long story, and the short version is Sam being back changes things. He's staying for the rest of the year. Isn't that awesome?"
"Yeah. Piles and piles of steaming awesome." He said bitterly.
"Puck." she said gently, "I was just going to be another notch on your belt. We both know that. I'd rather be something else. Like Tina said, I want to be with somebody who sees me as special. To Sam I am." She giggled and watched Sam walk towards them with two cokes. "Sam I Am!"
"And you told Sam I Am about last night?"
"Yes I did. He said history is history. He didn't spend all his time in the weight room while we were apart. We're starting over." She stood up. "Look around Puck. There's so many beautiful girls here who are more your type. The Cheerios are over there celebrating something too. That's what you really want."
Sam finally reached them. "Hey Puck. Thanks for keeping Mercedes out of trouble." Mercedes giggled and walked off arm in arm with Sam.
My type, Puck thought watching her walk away. My type. What the hell does she know about my type? What does anybody know about it? He stared at the cheerleaders across the room. He'd slept with half of them and could always go back for seconds. So why was he thinking about two girls he hadn't slept with?
He left the restaurant and called Lauren.
If I Were Your Woman – Gladys Knight or Stephanie Mills/George Michaels
That Old, Black Magic – Louis Prima and Keely Smith
Giving Him Something He Can Feel – En Vogue