Disclaimer: you'll never guess what, I don't in fact own star wars, or have any association with George Lucas, or anything like that. I don't own the characters, or nuthin' like that. So, on with the...er... thing. Yeah.
Star wars
Daaaaa da da da, ahh you get the idea.
A long time ago (`bout 20 years)
In a place far far away (some big Hollywood studio)
A blockade runner shoots into the screen (literally) followed closely by a star destroyer. Suddenly a blockade appears on the horizon (yes, I know there aren't any horizons in space, but it sounds impressive, doesn't it?) Inside the blockade runner...
Captain: *talking softly to a quite attractive woman in the seat beside his* you know, I actually own this ship. I have my own bedroom, with a king-size bed. You know, if your off duty soon...
Lieutenant: sir, the star destroyer is catching up!
Captain: *Not hearing a word* oh that's great...
Lieutenant: Er...ok. I wasn't expecting that. *Looks back to his screen* GOOD god, SIR! A blockade has just appeared.
Captain: *Still oblivious* well that's just swell...
Lieutenant: *Cautiously trying to drop a hint* a blockade sir? We're in a blockade-runner? *Trying to get his attention* sir? SIR? HOOKERS!!!
Captain: *Leaps out of his chair and looks around frantically* WHAT?!? WHERE???
Lieutenant: *Sniggers* hehehe. Sir there's a blockade ahead
Captain: damn, a blockade, and here we are in this stupid blockade runne... wait a minute, blockade runner, a blockade... * an idea slowly forming * ...blockade runner...a blockade...I've got it! EVERYBODY RUN AWAY, ABANDON SHIP, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF... AND ME FIRST!!!
Lieutenant: *fairly pissed off* sir, we're in a blockade runner, could we not run...the...blockade? In our blockade...runner??
Captain: *Considering this* er...em... no, my ways better.
Lieutenant: Well I don't care. I've got the controls and I say we do.
The blockade-runner slowly approaches the blockade, hits it, bounces off, and spins away.
Captain: *Mumbling* stupid cheap bloody huts. "It's almost new" they said, "works fine" they said. Can't even run bloody blockade.
Inside the corridors of the blockade runner two badly glued together droids trundle along...
C3PO: Did you hear that?
R2D2: Beep (yeah, excuse yourself)
C3PO: They've shut down the main reactor
R2D2: Beepy bleep (and that means what to me)
C3PO: We'll be destroyed for sure
R2D2: Beep blop (oh...right... that's not good then)
C3PO: There'll be no escape for the princes this time
R2D2: Bleep (oh sure there will, some dashing heroic young man will desperately in love with her and attempt a seemingly suicidal, yet very successful, mission to save her life and win her love).
C3PO: Oh piss off.
The star destroyer approaches, they use a tractor beam and start to pull the ship into their hanger, but the ship gets loose and starts to get away.
Voice from inside the star destroyer: oh no you don't. *a giant hand reaches out, grabs the blockade runner, and pulls it back into the hanger* hehehe.
A group of rebel soldiers are standing by a door smoking secretly.
The lookout: quick, someone's coming!
They all hide their cigarettes behind their backs as a guard walks up to them.
guard: *Strong English copper accent* `allo, `allo, `allo, what's goin' on ere den?
smoker: Er... nothing.
guard: *Sniffing* oh yeah, den what's that smell?
smoker: *Ashamed* sorry sir...but I had curry for dinner.
Columns of smoke start to rise from behind their backs
guard: Hmmm...your not smoking, are you?
smoker: NO!!
smoker2: NO!!
smoker3: NO!!
smoker4: NO!!
smoker5: NO!!
smoker6: NO!!
smoker7: NO!!
smoker8: yes, *gets elbowed in the ribs* oh, wait. I mean no.
smoker9: NO!!
Luke: NO.
smoker: Hey! What are you doing here?
Luke: *shrugs* nuh! I just got bored. I'll go now. *Walks off*
guard: Well if your not smoking then how come you're listed as smokers in the script?
smoker: er...well...you see
smoker2: *starts to shift uncomfortably* em, sorry, but I think I may have set fire to my pants with the cigarette which I haven't got behind my back. *his pants burst into flames* yep, I'm fairly sure I have.
guard: I think you are smoking.
smoker: Oh no we're not, you see...*some one knocks on the door behind them *. Excuse me a minute. * He opens it, there are about 20 storm troopers on the other side. One of them waves. He closes it again, and turns to the guard*. it's for you.
guard: Thanks. *He opens it*. Hi there!
Storm trooper: hi. *Blasts him*
smoker: That was quite convenient.
Storm trooper: yep, and now prepare to di...er... that guys pants are on fire.
smoker: yeah, he's noticed.
smoker2: *running around in circles* ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitout!!?!!!!
The flames completely engulf him and he runs around setting fire to the ship and the men around him. The storm troopers watch as he destroys the ship. They look at each other, shrug, and walk off.
Down the corridor men and troopers are fighting. R2 and 3PO run through a hail of crossfire without being hit once. They are followed by a conga line of droids, who are blasted to pieces. (Just as well really, they weren't very good dancers. Honestly, I expected much better quality in such a good rewrite).
In a dark corridor princess Leia is leaning over R2. She opens a small door in him.
Leia: if you could just hold onto these I'd really appreciate it. *she starts to put in whips, leather g-stings, kinky outfits, etc.* oh yeah, and you'd better have this as well. *Puts in the death star plans*
3PO walks around the corner, and R2 trundles up to him.
3PO: *mumbling* fucken stupid little droid... Leias little fucken pet...didn't ask me to hold her fucken knickers. *loudly* well, come on then.
R2: *smugly* beep (hehehe)
Back at the door a storm trooper is checking the bodies.
Stormtrooper: nice ring *nicks it*. Hey, Nice watch *nicks it*. Nice underpants *nicks them*. *moves on to the next body*. Hmmm, nice ring *nicks it*. Nice boots *nicks them*. nice underpa... *checks* ugh, what a mess. *moves on to the next body*
Body: I'm not actually dead.
Storm trooper: *blasts him* you are now.
Vader sweeps in dramatically.
Body: no I'm not.
Storm trooper: *kicks him* shut up. *salutes*
Vader walks off.
In a corridor two storm troopers are playing hopscotch.
Stormtrooper1: *Hopping* apples, oranges, peach and prune.
Stormtrooper2: Ohh, you're so good at this.
Leia appears and shoots one.
Stormtrooper1: *gets hit* hey, you shot me.
Stormtrooper2: *nudges him* I think when you're shot, you're meant to die.
Stormtrooper1: oh right, thanks. That could have been embarrassing. *Drops dead*
Stormtrooper2: glad to help. *he shoots Leia* hehehe, I shot your ass.
Back to Vader, who has the captain by the throat. (He also has a speech impediment, so it might help if, when ur reading his lines, have ur tongue slightly out of ur mouth. The tip of it just outside ur teeth)
Vader: what have you done wit the pwans for my wovwey wittle "pwantat bwowerupper" (planet blowerupper, just so u know)
Captain: the....pawns? They're in the chess set.
Vader: don't pway dumb wit me, where are the twansmittions u intercepted?
Captain: we have intercepted no twansmittions, this is a counsellor's ship, we're on a diplomatic mission to alderann.
Vader: If this is a counsewwor's ship, where is the ambassador?
The ambassador walks in.
Ambassador: sorry, I was on the toilet, did I miss anything?
Vader: *glances meaningfully at one of the stormtroopers*
Storm trooper: *shoots the ambassador*
Vader: twank you.
Captain: WHAT??? You're disgusting.
Leia walks in.
Leia: Darth Vader, I should have known.
Vader: wes, but you didn't. I foowed you. Ne ne ne-ne na. *a small slot flips open. A tongue flies out and blows a raspberry* hehehe. Err...by the way, why do you have a pair of Danish pastries stuck to your head?
Leia: It's a fashion statement.
Vader: it wooks shit.
Leia: bite me!
Vader: the twought had cwossed my mind, but pastwies don't agwee with me, unless I have a nice gwass of milk.
Leia: shut up.
Vader: guawds, take hewr away.
The guawds, damnit, I mean, the guards take her away.
Vader: hehehe, *bimbo voice* I am so going to kill hewr.
Captain: *he's been hanging there by the throat during the whole conversation* so, I don't suppose you could put me down now?
Vader: er...no.
the smoker runs through, still on fire.
Smoker: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitout Putitoutputitoutputitout!!!!
Vader: he's in twouble. His shoewaces wewre untied, he's going to fawll, and could sewiously huwt himself.
Smoker: *there's a crash off the screen* OW!
Vader: *sniggers* hehehe
Back to R2 and 3PO. They are getting into the escape pod.
C3PO: You can't go in there, it's restricted.
R2D2: beep bleep blop blip bop nip nop sip sop gip gop ip op lip lop lalalalalala weeeeeee plop. (So?)
C3PO: You'll be blasted into a million pieces, sent to the spice mines of kessel...
R2D2: Beep (with the rest of the crew? Stop whinging and get in bitch).
C3PO: *Getting in* I'm going to regret this.
R2D2: Beep (*cheerfully* YEP)
They blast off into space.
R2D2: *Looking at a screen* beep (I wonder if we can get the playboy channel on this thing?)
Anyway, that's chapter 1 of my first ever rewrite, chapter 2 coming soon (I hope). I'd just like to say thanks to pádraig and kid phoenix (read his `lord of the rings my way', it's brilliant) for giving me some ideas.
Star wars
Daaaaa da da da, ahh you get the idea.
A long time ago (`bout 20 years)
In a place far far away (some big Hollywood studio)
A blockade runner shoots into the screen (literally) followed closely by a star destroyer. Suddenly a blockade appears on the horizon (yes, I know there aren't any horizons in space, but it sounds impressive, doesn't it?) Inside the blockade runner...
Captain: *talking softly to a quite attractive woman in the seat beside his* you know, I actually own this ship. I have my own bedroom, with a king-size bed. You know, if your off duty soon...
Lieutenant: sir, the star destroyer is catching up!
Captain: *Not hearing a word* oh that's great...
Lieutenant: Er...ok. I wasn't expecting that. *Looks back to his screen* GOOD god, SIR! A blockade has just appeared.
Captain: *Still oblivious* well that's just swell...
Lieutenant: *Cautiously trying to drop a hint* a blockade sir? We're in a blockade-runner? *Trying to get his attention* sir? SIR? HOOKERS!!!
Captain: *Leaps out of his chair and looks around frantically* WHAT?!? WHERE???
Lieutenant: *Sniggers* hehehe. Sir there's a blockade ahead
Captain: damn, a blockade, and here we are in this stupid blockade runne... wait a minute, blockade runner, a blockade... * an idea slowly forming * ...blockade runner...a blockade...I've got it! EVERYBODY RUN AWAY, ABANDON SHIP, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF... AND ME FIRST!!!
Lieutenant: *fairly pissed off* sir, we're in a blockade runner, could we not run...the...blockade? In our blockade...runner??
Captain: *Considering this* er...em... no, my ways better.
Lieutenant: Well I don't care. I've got the controls and I say we do.
The blockade-runner slowly approaches the blockade, hits it, bounces off, and spins away.
Captain: *Mumbling* stupid cheap bloody huts. "It's almost new" they said, "works fine" they said. Can't even run bloody blockade.
Inside the corridors of the blockade runner two badly glued together droids trundle along...
C3PO: Did you hear that?
R2D2: Beep (yeah, excuse yourself)
C3PO: They've shut down the main reactor
R2D2: Beepy bleep (and that means what to me)
C3PO: We'll be destroyed for sure
R2D2: Beep blop (oh...right... that's not good then)
C3PO: There'll be no escape for the princes this time
R2D2: Bleep (oh sure there will, some dashing heroic young man will desperately in love with her and attempt a seemingly suicidal, yet very successful, mission to save her life and win her love).
C3PO: Oh piss off.
The star destroyer approaches, they use a tractor beam and start to pull the ship into their hanger, but the ship gets loose and starts to get away.
Voice from inside the star destroyer: oh no you don't. *a giant hand reaches out, grabs the blockade runner, and pulls it back into the hanger* hehehe.
A group of rebel soldiers are standing by a door smoking secretly.
The lookout: quick, someone's coming!
They all hide their cigarettes behind their backs as a guard walks up to them.
guard: *Strong English copper accent* `allo, `allo, `allo, what's goin' on ere den?
smoker: Er... nothing.
guard: *Sniffing* oh yeah, den what's that smell?
smoker: *Ashamed* sorry sir...but I had curry for dinner.
Columns of smoke start to rise from behind their backs
guard: Hmmm...your not smoking, are you?
smoker: NO!!
smoker2: NO!!
smoker3: NO!!
smoker4: NO!!
smoker5: NO!!
smoker6: NO!!
smoker7: NO!!
smoker8: yes, *gets elbowed in the ribs* oh, wait. I mean no.
smoker9: NO!!
Luke: NO.
smoker: Hey! What are you doing here?
Luke: *shrugs* nuh! I just got bored. I'll go now. *Walks off*
guard: Well if your not smoking then how come you're listed as smokers in the script?
smoker: er...well...you see
smoker2: *starts to shift uncomfortably* em, sorry, but I think I may have set fire to my pants with the cigarette which I haven't got behind my back. *his pants burst into flames* yep, I'm fairly sure I have.
guard: I think you are smoking.
smoker: Oh no we're not, you see...*some one knocks on the door behind them *. Excuse me a minute. * He opens it, there are about 20 storm troopers on the other side. One of them waves. He closes it again, and turns to the guard*. it's for you.
guard: Thanks. *He opens it*. Hi there!
Storm trooper: hi. *Blasts him*
smoker: That was quite convenient.
Storm trooper: yep, and now prepare to di...er... that guys pants are on fire.
smoker: yeah, he's noticed.
smoker2: *running around in circles* ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitout!!?!!!!
The flames completely engulf him and he runs around setting fire to the ship and the men around him. The storm troopers watch as he destroys the ship. They look at each other, shrug, and walk off.
Down the corridor men and troopers are fighting. R2 and 3PO run through a hail of crossfire without being hit once. They are followed by a conga line of droids, who are blasted to pieces. (Just as well really, they weren't very good dancers. Honestly, I expected much better quality in such a good rewrite).
In a dark corridor princess Leia is leaning over R2. She opens a small door in him.
Leia: if you could just hold onto these I'd really appreciate it. *she starts to put in whips, leather g-stings, kinky outfits, etc.* oh yeah, and you'd better have this as well. *Puts in the death star plans*
3PO walks around the corner, and R2 trundles up to him.
3PO: *mumbling* fucken stupid little droid... Leias little fucken pet...didn't ask me to hold her fucken knickers. *loudly* well, come on then.
R2: *smugly* beep (hehehe)
Back at the door a storm trooper is checking the bodies.
Stormtrooper: nice ring *nicks it*. Hey, Nice watch *nicks it*. Nice underpants *nicks them*. *moves on to the next body*. Hmmm, nice ring *nicks it*. Nice boots *nicks them*. nice underpa... *checks* ugh, what a mess. *moves on to the next body*
Body: I'm not actually dead.
Storm trooper: *blasts him* you are now.
Vader sweeps in dramatically.
Body: no I'm not.
Storm trooper: *kicks him* shut up. *salutes*
Vader walks off.
In a corridor two storm troopers are playing hopscotch.
Stormtrooper1: *Hopping* apples, oranges, peach and prune.
Stormtrooper2: Ohh, you're so good at this.
Leia appears and shoots one.
Stormtrooper1: *gets hit* hey, you shot me.
Stormtrooper2: *nudges him* I think when you're shot, you're meant to die.
Stormtrooper1: oh right, thanks. That could have been embarrassing. *Drops dead*
Stormtrooper2: glad to help. *he shoots Leia* hehehe, I shot your ass.
Back to Vader, who has the captain by the throat. (He also has a speech impediment, so it might help if, when ur reading his lines, have ur tongue slightly out of ur mouth. The tip of it just outside ur teeth)
Vader: what have you done wit the pwans for my wovwey wittle "pwantat bwowerupper" (planet blowerupper, just so u know)
Captain: the....pawns? They're in the chess set.
Vader: don't pway dumb wit me, where are the twansmittions u intercepted?
Captain: we have intercepted no twansmittions, this is a counsellor's ship, we're on a diplomatic mission to alderann.
Vader: If this is a counsewwor's ship, where is the ambassador?
The ambassador walks in.
Ambassador: sorry, I was on the toilet, did I miss anything?
Vader: *glances meaningfully at one of the stormtroopers*
Storm trooper: *shoots the ambassador*
Vader: twank you.
Captain: WHAT??? You're disgusting.
Leia walks in.
Leia: Darth Vader, I should have known.
Vader: wes, but you didn't. I foowed you. Ne ne ne-ne na. *a small slot flips open. A tongue flies out and blows a raspberry* hehehe. Err...by the way, why do you have a pair of Danish pastries stuck to your head?
Leia: It's a fashion statement.
Vader: it wooks shit.
Leia: bite me!
Vader: the twought had cwossed my mind, but pastwies don't agwee with me, unless I have a nice gwass of milk.
Leia: shut up.
Vader: guawds, take hewr away.
The guawds, damnit, I mean, the guards take her away.
Vader: hehehe, *bimbo voice* I am so going to kill hewr.
Captain: *he's been hanging there by the throat during the whole conversation* so, I don't suppose you could put me down now?
Vader: er...no.
the smoker runs through, still on fire.
Smoker: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitout Putitoutputitoutputitout!!!!
Vader: he's in twouble. His shoewaces wewre untied, he's going to fawll, and could sewiously huwt himself.
Smoker: *there's a crash off the screen* OW!
Vader: *sniggers* hehehe
Back to R2 and 3PO. They are getting into the escape pod.
C3PO: You can't go in there, it's restricted.
R2D2: beep bleep blop blip bop nip nop sip sop gip gop ip op lip lop lalalalalala weeeeeee plop. (So?)
C3PO: You'll be blasted into a million pieces, sent to the spice mines of kessel...
R2D2: Beep (with the rest of the crew? Stop whinging and get in bitch).
C3PO: *Getting in* I'm going to regret this.
R2D2: Beep (*cheerfully* YEP)
They blast off into space.
R2D2: *Looking at a screen* beep (I wonder if we can get the playboy channel on this thing?)
Anyway, that's chapter 1 of my first ever rewrite, chapter 2 coming soon (I hope). I'd just like to say thanks to pádraig and kid phoenix (read his `lord of the rings my way', it's brilliant) for giving me some ideas.