The characters from Stargate SG-1 and those from South Park do not belong to me, and I will not (and probably could not if I tried) make any money off of them. They belong to their respective owners, NOT ME. So DON'T SUE!!!
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Scene 4
Setting: Inside the wormhole that connects the Stargates to one another. As the team is hurtling through space Mayborne gets stomach-sick and pitches his cookies.
SG-1 stumbles out onto the foreign planet, blinking at the bright light. Their boots scrunch in the snow as they hit the ground, and they are once again glad that they sent the probe ahead and found out what the weather would be like. Mayborne is last to emerge, and almost trips and falls because the Stargate is located on a hill. He shuts his eyes tight and whimpers. After a moment, when nothing happens, he grins at the others. And that's when the vomit he released inside the wormhole flies out and hits him in the face.
MAYBORNE: YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
The others laugh at him.
JACK: (His teeth chattering) God DAMN it's cold here!
DANIEL: Y-Y-Yeah... I'm freezing my *nuts* off.
TEAL'C: (He has pulled the hood of his bright orange parka up over his face again) Mmm-mmmph.
The boys all laugh.
DANIEL: Good one!
They look around.
JACK: There's a lot of trees.
DANIEL: Yep.
JACK: A lot of snow, too.
DANIEL: Yep.
SAM: More snow. I hate snow! Dammit, how am I supposed to work on my tan when I leave *Colorado* to come *here*? Oh, man.
They all sigh.
JACK: Okay, come on, campers. Snow or not, we've got a mission to carry out.
DANIEL: Umm, J-Jack?
JACK: Yeah, Daniel?
DANIEL: What exactly *is* our mission? Hammond never told me, dude.
JACK: We- that is, we're supposed ta... I... I don't know, dude. Sam? You got any ideas?
SAM: S-Sorry. I never listen to Hammond. It's just too weird the w-way he's always singing to himself like that. I just collect my payheck and go home.
JACK: Teal'c? H-How 'bout you?
TEAL'C: Mmm-mm-mmmmph, um-mummm-mumph, mmm-mmm-mmmmm-mm-mmm, mmm-mm-mmmph.
DANIEL: Oh, yeah. Th-That makes sense, actually, dude.
JACK: Okay, then, b-boys and girls. We g-go *th-that* way!
Later--- It is dark out and the sun has gone down. Thriteen moons have come up, so the path they are walking on is more than adequately lit.
DANIEL: You don't know which way we're going, do you, Jack?
Jack hangs his head.
JACK: No.
SAM: Well, at least we can always find our way back to the Stargate. The moons are bright and we can follow our tracks in the snow.
JACK: Yeah, Sam. But losing our way's not what *I'm* worried about.
SAM: What are you worried about then, Jack? Oh, it doesn't matter. You'll protect me, I know it!
JACK: Uhh...yeah.
MAYBORNE: Well? What *is* it then, Colonel? I'm sure we're all on the edge of our seats biting our fingernails waiting...
Sam gives Mayborne a nasty glare.
JACK: I'm worried that something *else* will follow out tracks backward and be wating for us at the Stargate.
MAYBORNE: Like what?
DANIEL: Like the Gwah, or the Hierojin, or a slime-covered brood of assbiting alien lawyers!
TEAL'C: Mm-mph-MM-mm!!
DANIEL: Oh, my god, yeah! Can't forget them!
JACK: They're nasty buggers.
Sam shivers.
MAYBORNE: Wait, wait. Who the hell *are* the Ritu, anyway? Are the guys you were talking about earlier? The ones who stick things up your butt and... like... probe? And stuff?
DANIEL: Almost every alien species in the universe has some kind of ass fixation or other. You gotta be more specific, dude.
MAYBORNE: Are the Ritu the aliens that send little worms crawling up through your ass that take over your mind and make you talk all funny really high like a little girl and want to dance ballet a lot?
JACK: ...
DANIEL: ...
SAM: ...
TEAL'C: ...
MAYBORNE: What? What did I say?
DANIEL: Guys, I think, wherever we're headed, we should get there, like, *triple*-quick. My Ancient Mythologies for Dummies handbook says that thirteen moons in the sky is a really bad sign.
JACK: Daniel. Could that be an ancient reference to the Goa'uld? Maybe that myth also tells of a way to fight them.
DANIEL: No, dude. It says that any planet with thirteen moons has got some weird sh** on it and all that light from the moons helps big creatures with sharp teeth see you really, really well.
TEAL'C: Mmm-mm-mmmph!
JACK: Yeah, I'm with him. Let's get out of here. Okay, double-time, campers. We're gonna march...
Sam takes his hand.
SAM: Ah, let *me* take this one, okay, Jack? (She bats her eyelashes) Pleeease?
Jack looks at her, and then he erupts into a goofy grin.
JACK: Okay, Sam. There you go.
SAM: Thanks! (She gives him a peck on the cheek and points out a direction.)
MAYBORNE: Huh. I bet if *I* batted my eyelashes at him and kissed his *ass* he still wouldn't let *me* lead the team.
DANIEL: You're goddamn straight, fatass! And for good reason, too! You'd probably lead us straight into a Goa'uld ass-shaving party. Everyone kows you ass-shavers can tell each other from a mile away!
MAYBORNE: Hey, you shut up! It is a natural condition, one in ten very *normal* people have it...
DANIEL: Haha! You loser!
MAYBORNE: Oh, yeah? Well at least I don't dance around in dresses singing like Mary Poppins!
DANIEL: Those are robes, *Lardass,* and it's called *chanting.* Look it up sometime, it's right next to 'chafing,' which is what your clothes do just before they explode at the seams!
MAYBORNE: Oh, and Daniel, I simply *love* all the pretty dolls you have around your house! They are just *darling,* and those Halloween masks really go with your eyes.
DANIEL: They're *ceremonial* masks! And they're not *dolls,* they're... well they're dolls, but they're *voodoo* dolls!
MAYBORNE: Hahaha! (Holding his sides from laughing so hard.)
DANIEL: I could cast a voodoo spell on you, you ugly fat fartjam! So just watch yourself!!
MAYBORNE: (Canbarely talk) Oh... I'm... I'm... terrified... HAHAHAHAHA!!! The big nasty Doctor Daniel is going to cast his... his *black magic* on me...
Even Jack and Teal'c are laughing now.
DANIEL: Shut up Cartman! I've had enough from you, you fat a**wipe! Just shut the hell up before I kick you in the nuts!
MAYBORNE: What did you call me? Who the hell is this Cartman guy? Hahaha! Hey, look! I think that Doctor Daniel Jackson is losing it! He's going looney! Ohh, watch it! He might try casting a voodoo spell on you guys! HAHAHAHA-OOOOOF!!!!
Mayborne falls over into the snow, clutching his groin. His eyes are rolling back into his head and he can't make a sound, even to groan.
DANIEL: I *told* you I would!!
JACK: Yeah! Way to go, dude!
SAM: It's about time someone did that to him. I never liked him.
TEAL'C: Mmm-mmm-mmmph.
JACK: Yeah, I absolutely agree. Come on, lardass. We're goin' now.
DANIEL: Yeah, and if you can't keep up the Ritu are gonna eat you alive.
MAYBORNE: No... ugggh... no... they're... not, you guys... You're just trying to scare me. (Manages to get to his feet and limp along behind the others.) They don't really eat you alive. Come on, guys, they don't really eat you, do they? You're just being your usual craphead selves. Right? You guys... right?
JACK: No way, dude. They really do eat you alive. And they start with your ass!
SAM: Yeah! And they're invisible!
JACK: Yep. Completely invisible. One minute you can't see a damn thing, and the next... your ass is gone.
DANIEL: Your whole ass.
SAM: Bitten off in one big bite. Chomp!
MAYBORNE: You guuuys... (He starts looking around, freaked.)
The rest of SG-1 share a smirk with each other which Mayborne doesn't see. Then they start to walk off again.
MAYBORNE: (In a high, squealing voice) You GUUUUYS! Wait for ME-E-E!
Mayborne starts waddling to catch up, and keeps on glancing to either side at the woods they are walking through. Sam hangs back and, as she reaches his side, she reaches down and grabs him harshly by the groin.
SAM: This is for talking to Jack the way you did. Don't you *ever* talk to my boyfriend like that again, do you understand me?
Mayborne nods quickly and she lets go and runs to catch up to the team. Eventually he runs up, bow-legged, behind the rest of SG-1. His head is still craning back and forth, checking the brilliantly lit woods.
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Scene 5
Setting: A forested hill, looking down on a Goa'uld city in the valley. "In Goa'uld We Trust" is written on various flags in over six dozen different languages.
DANIEL: Holy crap dude! Maybe this wasn't such a hot idea after all!
Mayborne is still looking at the woods suspiciously. Then, instantaneously, the moons drop behind the horizon and three suns come out. The shadows jump and dance in the trees, and Mayborne sees what he thinks is a pair of glowing red eyes staring at him.
MAYBORNE: YAAAAAAAH!!!
JACK: (Hissing) Dammit, Mayborne, would'ya keep it *down*? Do you want to let the whole damn *universe* know we're here?
Mayborne is still screaming and has started running around blindly.
MAYBORNE: The Ritu are after me-e-e! They're in the woo-oods! Oh my god, save me you gu-u-ys!! Aaah!!
JACK: Oh, for crying out- hey WATCH- oooof!
Mayborne runs right into Jack, who tumbles into Daniel, etc., etc. All five of them begin rolling down the snow-covered hillside, directly toward the Goa'uld city. They come bouncing to a halt at the feet of a Jaffa who had been taking a leak in the woods. Teal'c is impaled on a pointy rock and dies instantly; rats with glowing golden eyes come out of the woods and begin gnawing on his body.
DANIEL: Oh my God! Physics killed Teal'c!
JACK: No it wasn't, it was Mayborne.
DANIEL: YOU BASTARD!!!
Meanwhile the Jaffa is awkwardly trying to hold up his pants and keep his staff weapon pointed at the others. He yells out in a high, soprano voice toward the city.
JAFFA: Klee! Mel'noch doch topf tok hurrrlaaggh blattt! Iyagh! Klee, Klee!
Two dozen more Jaffa show up and train their staff weapons and Zat'nikatils on SG-1. The First Prime (the second-in-command to the Goa'uld System Lord him- or herself, bearing a gold tattoo on his forehead where regular Jaffa carry only ink tattoos) also appears. The team look up at their new captors. Jack gives them a wry smile and a little wave, and has the business end of a staff weapon pushed up against his cheek.
JACK: (In a low voice) I'll get you, Mayborne. I swear I will.
The Jaffa collect all of their weapons, and then motion for them to get up. One of them points to Teal'c.
JAFFA: Shak sheruiguiy. Shol'va! (He spits) Yippee ay Kai-ay.
The other Jaffa remain motionless.
JAFFA: Klee!
The Jaffa all burst into activity at once. They poke their staff weapons into SG-1's backs, pushing them along harshly.
JACK: Okay, okay, we're goin'. Don't be rude.
FIRST PRIME: Okay, move along, Jaffa. Nothing to see here. Move along.
The team are led away. Teal'c is dragged away in a different direction, leaving a bloody trail on the snow.
JACK: Hey. Hey! Where are they taking Teal'c??
DANIEL: They're probably taking him away to another, more strongly guarded jail cell, with like, more guards, and vicious beasts and booby traps and stuff.
SAM: Oh, great.
JACK: Well why the hell would they do that?!? I don't like that! Daniel, you speak their language, tell them not to do that.
DANIEL: I don't think they'll listen to me, Jack.
JACK: Well it's worth a *try* at least...
DANIEL: What are you getting mad at me for dude?
The Jaffa hit them even harder.
JAFFA: Zippity doo-dah. Shik buok tok tuk. Byah!
Jack and Daniel continue their discussion very quietly.
JACK: Well, why would they take him somewhere else? Why couldn't he come with us? He's *dead* for cryin' out loud.
Daniel gives Jack a sarcastic look.
DANIEL: It's probably because he's what they call a "Shol'va."
JACK: ...And? That means?
DANIEL: That's the Goa'uld word for 'traitor.' Remember, Teal'c used to be First Prime of Apophis? Until he rebelled and joined us, that is.
JACK: Oh, yeah. That. (He pauses.) Well, damn, this SUCKS.
DANIEL: I know. Dude, how are we gonna get out of this?
Nobody has an answer to that so the team walks in silence for the rest of the way. The Jaffa lead them into a gigantic stone pyramid and through a series of hallways to a very small cell. One of the Jaffa motions them inside.
JACK: What, *all* of us?
DANIEL: Aw, damn, dude! We ain't gonna fit in there!
The staff weapon comes up and the tip opens, ready to fire.
JACK: Okay! Okay. Jeez. But we're gonna kick your asses when we get out of here!
MAYBORNE: Yeah! There will be some serious ass-kicking. I want to talk to your superiors!
The Jaffa ignore them and stuff the four of them inside the tiny room. They are squashed up against one another with barely enough space to breathe, let alone move. The Jaffa are laughing as the door slams shut. Their footsteps can be heard walking away.
DANIEL: Hey, quit shoving!
MAYBORNE: I'm not shoving, I'm breathing. It's not my fault you have a problem with it.
DANIEL: Well it wouldn't be a problem if you weren't such a FATASS!
MAYBORNE: Hey! I'm not fat, I'm *big-boned*!
JACK: Yeah, big turkey bones, big chicken bones, big ham bones...
DANIEL: Heh heh.
SAM: If that hand belongs to anyone but Jack I'll *break it off!*
Nobody says anything for a second.
SAM: That's more like it.
DANIEL: Hey. You know, I've heard of this. This is how the Goa'uld torture prisoners. They can make them do whatever they want by threatening to leave them in a really small jail cell with no food or water until they either die of dehydration or commit suicide, whichever comes first. I've always thought it was an effective method...
JACK: Kind of like this, huh?
DANIEL: Oh, yeah. Sorry, dude.
SAM: (Sniffing the air) What's that smell?
Everyone sniffs.
MAYBORNE: I don't smell anything.
DANIEL: Aww, damn dude!
JACK: MAYBORNE! You little a**hole! If I could move my arms I'd strangle you you fat little turd!
DANIEL: Oh, god, that's horrible! There's no telling what something like that could do to us in an enclosed space like this.
SAM: I... I think I'm going to faint...
Everyone but Mayborne loses consciousness.
MAYBORNE: (Chuckles) Yeah, it was a pretty good one...
Then he passes out too.
*****
An unknown amount of time later: They are still inside the pyramid, but no longer in the tiny prison cell. They are in a large hall, a meeting place perhaps. The four of them wake up gulping in huge breaths of semi-fresh air. Gasping and sputtering, they are hauled up onto their knees as the leader of the Goa'uld city makes his ceremonious appearance. The Goa'uld's First Prime babbles something in a high soprano voice which Jack cannot understand.
JACK: Daniel? You're our... you know... language guy. What'd he say?
Daniel is still fighting for his breath and cannot respond.
JACK: (To the First Prime) Yo. Use English, dude. I don't understand that crap you're spittin' out. Course, it might be clearer if you were talking out of your ass. (SG-1 laughs.) Probably smell better, too. (Waves his hand in front of his face.)
FIRST PRIME: Silence, Tauri swine! You will speak only when you are spoken to.
Daniel appears a lot more recovered now. Jack and Daniel whisper to each other.
JACK: So who is this guy, Daniel? What's his deal?
DANIEL: I don't know. His tattoo is unfamiliar and we haven't heard his name. I just can't say, dude.
FIRST PRIME: Silence!!
The First Prime uses a Zat'nikatil gun on Mayborne. Electric sparks envelop Mayborne's body and he falls to the floor, temporarily paralyzed.
MAYBORNE: I... hate... you... guys...
Jack and Daniel stop talking. The First Prime addresses Jack in his high-pitched Goa'uld voice.
FIRST PRIME: What is your mission here?
JACK: We're here to see your mother. She gave us a key and told us to come in the back door.
The First Prime is outraged.
JACK: No, I'm just kidding. Actually we're here to kick all your slimy Goold asses!
DANIEL and SAM: Heh heh.
JACK: And what might your master be called? We'd like to know which particular Goold we're laying a beating on, 'cause the guys at home are keeping score and we wouldn't want to spell your name wrong. Haha.
FIRST PRIME: I am the First Prime of Uranus! The Greatest Goa'uld System Lord Ever!
SG-1 looks at each other. They burst out laughing.
URANUS: I AM URANUS! YOU WILL STOP LAUGHING AT ME! *NOW*!!
His high voice just makes the team members laugh harder, however. They cannot stop.
URANUS: STOP THAT!
SG-1: HAHAHAHA!!!
FIRST PRIME: Shall I force them to stop with my staff weapon, my lord Uranus?
SG-1: HAHAAAAA!
URANUS: NO. TAKE THEM BACK TO THEIR CELL. EXCEPT THAT ONE. (He points at Mayborne.) THE OTHERS COULD RESIST VERY STRONGLY BUT HE WILL MAKE A FINE HOST.
FIRST PRIME: Yes, Lord Uranus.
The Jaffa drag Mayborne away. His whining and yelling can be heard echoing through the halls. They take Jack, Daniel, and Sam back to the small little room again. Without Mayborne's bulk it is actually managable.
JACK: Great, now how are we going to get out of this? AND then rescue Teal'c, AND then make our way back to the Gate?
SAM: Yeah, AND rescue Mayborne at the same time.
JACK: What?!? Sam, have you lost your mind?? Mayborne was a pain in the whole Earth's ass. Good riddance!
DANIEL: No, Jack, she has a point.
JACK: You too, Danny? Did Mayborne's stinkbomb earlier give you guys brain damage? I'm getting Dr. Fraiser to look at you two when we get home. (He pauses.) *If* we get home.
DANIEL: No, Jack, you see, we can't let them take over Mayborne. He has knowledge of SGC operations and stuff.
SAM: Yes, Jack. We can't let that fall into the hands of the Goa'uld. It could give them too much power and they might be able to defeat us.
DANIEL: We can't let that happen, Jack. We just *can't,* dude. All of, like, Earth, is depending on us here.
JACK: Ah jeez. You had to go and say that. But I HATE Mayborne...
DANIEL: We all do, Jack. But I hate the Goa'uld even more, and I do *not* want to be a slave. Dude, or a *host.* (Daniel shivers.)
SAM: Jaaack. Please?
JACK: Aww, fine. Fine! We save Mayborne too.
The others smile and pat him on the back.
JACK: Does anyone have any ideas how we're going to do it?
SAM: ...
DANIEL: ...
JACK: That's what I thought. Well guys... we're screwed.
*********************
Scene 6
Setting: The tiny jail cell where Jack, Daniel, and Sam are being held.
JACK: Oh! I have an idea!
SAM: What is it, Jack?
DANIEL: Yeah, and it had better not involve me trying to limbo under the door again. That was just *stupid.*
JACK: Hey - I'm hurt. Would I come up with the *same* idea twice? (Daniel just looks at him.) I mean, four times?
SAM: (Holds a fist up to Daniel's face) You better watch how you talk to my man, Daniel. Or me knocking you down will be a walk in the park.
Jack sticks out his tongue at Daniel.
SAM: What's your idea, Jack?
JACK: Huh? Oh - Daniel, did they take that little communicator that the Nox gave us?
Daniel's eyes go wide.
DANIEL: You mean the weird one with the blinky lights on it that spell out "The Nox Was Here"? The one we always carry every time we go on a mission, in case of an emergency?
JACK: No, I mean the one that looks like a plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Of course that one!
SAM: Hehe.
DANIEL: Yeah, I do. Jeez, Jack, you haven't got to get sarcastic.
Jack waits.
JACK: WELL?!?
DANIEL: Well what?
JACK: Oh for cryin' out... *Daniel,* this looks like an emergency to *me.* They don't get much more... emergent... dude.
DANIEL: Yeah, you're right. Jeez. (Puts his head in his hands.) Oh my god! What are we gonna do??
JACK: DANIEL! Use the freakin' Nox communicator you sun-baked archaeologist goofball!!
DANIEL: HEY! I take offense at- oh, good idea, dude!
Daniel *finally* takes out the palm-sized device and puts it on the floor of the room. He pushes the glowing yellow button.
SAM: Okay, now move your face from there *very* quickly, Daniel Jackson.
Daniel stands up, elbowing Jack in the stomach and smacking Sam in the face.
DANIEL: Oh, sorry guys. It was an accident, really. (They glare at him.) Hey look, sparkly lights.
A mysterious voice echoes out in the tiny room. They cannot determine exactly where the sound is coming from.
VOICE: Nox, Nox.
SAM: It seems to be coming from the walls themselves, Jack.
DANIEL: Yeah, you're right, Sam. It's like... the clay, or something in it, is amplifying it to seem louder than it is.
Jack is wearing a blank look.
VOICE: Nox, Nox.
DANIEL: Maybe this pyramid is made of the same stuff as the Stargate. You know, that Naquadah crap.
SAM: No, actually I don't think so, Daniel. But it could be the acoustics...
DANIEL: Shut *up,* Sam; the pure physics alone would make it tantamount to impossible to create an echo in such a small space. There's nothing here to carry a reverberation...
Jack, who had honestly been trying his best to follow, winces.
SAM: Well. *we're* here.
VOICE: Nox, NOX...
JACK: Alright, alright already! You guys shut up! Wherever it's coming *from,* it's trying to speak to us. You can argue when our lives aren't threatened by ancient Egyptians with bad-ass alien worms in their bungholes. For now, let's just... get out of here with all our bits and pieces attached if we can.
VOICE: Oh-ho, *goodie.* Ahem-hem. Okay... Nox, Nox.
Sam and Daniel groan. Jack grins.
JACK: Okay, this is my territory. (Cracks his knuckles.) I think I know this one... Who's there?
VOICE: Yay! You've got it right! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! You don't know how long I've waited for someone to get that question right, I mean, the odds alone that such a system would develop on two separate planets without the benefit of-
JACK: I'm not gonna play if you keep talking like these two always do.
VOICE: Okay, Okay, let's not be hasty... Try again, shall we?
JACK: (With a sarcastic smile) Let's.
VOICE: Okay, what is it you wish from the Nox? Perhaps we shall grant it, if it is in our power. And, perhaps not.
JACK: What?? Why you- (swings his arms around wildly.) If I could see you I'd kick your invisible ass-
Daniel has to grab Jack by the shoulders to calm him down.
SAM: We need to get out of this jail cell, and we also need to defeat the Goa'uld on this planet, and save our friend Teal'c, and we also have to save a fat guy named Mayborne, although we don't like him but he could give away secrets that would out our home planet in danger.
VOICE: (Sarcastic) Gee, is that all?
DANIEL: Yes, Mr. Nox, Sir, that is all we would ask of you.
JACK: Daniel, quit it. They're not *gods,* dude.
DANIEL: Yeah, well I got this thing about pissing off races of beings that are stronger than me. You seem okay with it, but for me it's kind of a no-no, you dig?
VOICE: The concern for your planet even above your own welfare touches me. I had not believed that you were this far advanced in your beliefs. Very well, then. Answer my next question and the Nox shall give you our assistance.
DANIEL: Sweeeet.
JACK: 'Kay, dude. Shoot.
VOICE: Ahem...hem... hem-hem...AHRRAAUUGH! Ptoo. Ahem. Hmm. Okay: What walks on four legs-
JACK: Man.
SAM: Jack!
DANIEL: Dude, what the HELL!? Shut up and wait til he's finished, you nutcase! Are you trying to get Teal'c killed?! Okay - get the planet killed?
The figure of the Nox fades into view. His hair is long and green - trimmed into a tall, neat, frizzy afro. His robes seem at first glance to be old and battered, full of holes. At second glance they also seem to smell very bad. He also carries an odd cane in one hand.
NOX: No, actually he is correct. I am astonished at your level of intelligence, Jack O'Neill! Perhaps we are mistaken in our estimation of your race. I shall convene a meeting with the others when I return.
JACK: Yeah. In the meantime... what about our three wishes, Mr. Wizard?
NOX: I understood you had asked for four?
JACK: Well, whatever. You know, you're not the most clever either. I mean, for an advanced race, your jokes *suck!* You gotta get some new material dude. Bring *that* up in your meeting.
NOX: Yes. Well. That meeting may take a while. (Narrows his eyes.)
DANIEL: Jack, SHUT UP. Mr. Nox, Sir, don't mind him. He's just cranky from being cooped up in this tiny little craphole room for so long. It still sort of smells like the last time we were here, and it was especially hard on Jack. He was standing right behind Mayborne when it happened...
NOX: Yes. Well... I suppose then, we shouldn't waste any more time, correct?
SAM: Oh that would be great, Mr. Nox!
NOX: Shall we?
They all leaned back to the other side of the room as the Nox tapped his cane on the door. The guards opened it and he cracked them both over the head with his cane and stepped over the bodies.
NOX: Okay. There you go.
DANIEL: What?
NOX: You're free. Go get'em! (He nodded down the empty corridor.) Go on, now. Make the universe proud!
SAM: Huh? What do you mean?
JACK: What about the other things we asked you for? Don't we get any of those?
NOX: Oh, I'm afraid not. I'm dreadfully sorry. The Nox don't have the power to do all those things. (He laughed.) Quite silly, really, thinking that we did. Ha ha ha! The other Nox will find this story particularly entertaining. I must return and tell them. I will be quite popular with the female Nox tonight, I can tell you. (Rubs his hands togetherand begins to fade away. ) Well, seeya!
Jack grabs his shoulder before he can disappear again.
JACK: Hang on just a cotton-pickin minute here, Noxy-Boy! What about the other things we asked for? We answered your stupid lame riddle with the *idea* that we were gonna kick some Goold butt.
DANIEL: And save our friend Teal'c.
JACK: Yeah, what he said. Now what gives?
NOX: Well, we cannot do that which you ask; but we know someone that can. We have told the Asgard that Uranus is endangering your planet and they are going to come here and give that Goa'uld a real bad spanking. That little Wiggler will not be bothering you anymore. Heh heh. By the way, before I go, the Nox have been experimenting with various ways to immunize a host against being taken over by a Goa'uld. The Asgard have received far better results, I'm sure, but would you like to see our progress? I have pictures!
JACK: Uhh... I guess.
DANIEL: Yea! We would very much. Jack, this could be a golden opportunity. If we find out what train of thought they're on, we might be able to continue our own research after their own successes.
JACK: Alright, go ahead. I guess. But make it snappy - MacGyver is coming on in an hour and I don't want to miss it.
The Nox takes out one of their little holographic projector thingies and pushes the button. A hologram of an Unas, the Goa'uld's original host species, comes into view.
DANIEL: OH MY GOD!!!
Sam just turns away and barfs on the hallway floor.
JACK: Now that ain't right.
DANIEL: It's got five asses!
JACK: Okay, everyone look away and think pleasant thoughts. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean. Serenity now...
DANIEL: (Numbly) Why does it have five asses?
NOX: Back-up asses. If the Goa'uld manages to get into one of its asses, the vistim just shuts down the connection to that ass and reconnects to another ass. It's almost like some animals that have multiple stomachs... that's where we got the idea, really...
JACK: Yeah, okay. Well, Mr. Nox, it was nice meeting you again, and thanks for your help with the door and the Asgard and stuff. Hope your... project... goes well. Bye now. (Quietly, to the others:) Come on, guys, we're outta here. *Don't* look back, for the love of God, he might want to show us something else... just *go.*
Jack and Daniel pick up Zat'guns and Sam grabs both of the unconscious guards' staff weapons, one in each hand.
NOX: Bye now!
They start running, not really picking any direction. In a few minutes they find a huge gathering room and burst in on the Goa'uld Uranus and his First Prime. They have just finished some elaborate ritual and a large crowd of Jaffa and slaves are ooh-ing and ahh-ing. Teal'c is sitting in a cage hanging from the ceiling. He waves at SG-1.
URANUS: AND NOW FOR MY GRAND FINALE...
Then everyone notices the intruders.
FIRST PRIME: Hey, what are you humans doing here? There's nothing to see here; you people be on your way, now, back through the Chapa'ai. Go on, now, don't make have to arrest you.
URANUS: KILL THEM!
FIRST PRIME: Uh, yeah, that's what I meant. Kill you. Oh. Yeah.
The First Prime and the other Jaffa all raise their staff weapons at the same time and aim them at SG-1. Jack and Daniel point their Zat'guns back at the crowd. Sam hefts the two staff weapons to waist level and the tips click open.
SAM: Come on, bitches. Make my day.
Both sides begin firing at once. Zat' bursts and staff beams fly in all directions, destroying the walls, the ceiling, the floor, the rubble from the earlier blasts, the artifacts and tapestries, and all the decorative figurines and statues. Teal'c manages to remain safe throughout the whole firefight, escaping from his cage when a staff weapon blast hits it and explodes the metal into flying shrapnel. Most importantly, every last one of the Jaffa are killed, and Uranus and the first Prime as well. SG-1 is jumping and saying "Yippee!" and "Yeehaw!" until they hear a sound. Mayborne climbs out of a Goa'uld sarcophagus that had been recessed into a wall. He is holding his butt. He walks over to the team.
MAYBORNE: Well, I found it out the hard way, you guys. The ugly worm aliens really *do* enter your body through your ass. And they bite, too! You sons of bitches, I'll kick your asses, every last one of you, for bringing me here!
SAM: YOU asked to come here, FATBOY. You went and got Presidential Orders, so don't blame us.
DANIEL: We didn't want you anywhere *near* us but you whined and complained and got your way. You deserve what you got.
JACK: Yeah, you fat little bastard.
MAYBORNE: Oh yeah?? (His eyes begin to glow a golden color and his voice goes really high.) Well I'm still going to kick your asses!
Mayborne grabs Jack's Zat'gun and whips around behind him, putting the Zat to Jack's head.
MAYBORNE: Anyone makes a move and I'll blow his goddamn head off. And you know I'll do it, 'cause I hate him most of all, way more than any of the rest of you guys. Teal'c, move over here with the rest of them.
Teal'c walks over to Sam and Daniel's side.
MAYBORNE: Okay, all of you drop your weapons and kick all the weapons near you really far away. Do it, or he's toast. I know you don't want that, *Doctor* *Samantha* *Car-ter.* And *Danny-Boy* will get his ass kicked if he does anything to hurt Jackie-Poo here. Heh heh heh!
Sam does as Mayborne said. At a glare from her, Daniel and Teal'c do it as well. The golden glow leaves Mayborne's eyes.
MAYBORNE: Good, very good.
Then suddenly Mayborne's hand darts up. He is wearing a ribbon-device and he uses it on Teal'c. The device's crystal, centered over Mayborne's sweaty palm, sends out waves of energy toward Teal'c's forehead. Teal'c whimpers and cinches his hood shut, but it does not protect him. His whole body begins to bounce and shake, and then his head explodes. The rest of his body falls over and a dozen or more brown rats with glowing golden eyes come out and drag it into a hole in the wall.
DANIEL: Oh my god! You killed Teal'c!
JACK: YOU GOA'ULD BASTARD!!!
MAYBORNE: Shut up, every last one of you. Or Jack here is the next to go.
SAM: Hey, you know, his eyes weren't glowing when he did that. It was *Mayborne* that killed poor Teal'c, not the Goa'ld!
MAYBORNE: GODAMMIT I SAID SHUT UP! You sonsabitches listen to me!! Now!!!
The others stop talking and glare at him.
MAYBORNE: Okay, then. That is much better. Now, I believe that we shall return to the Stargate. I think that I will conquer a world or two with my newfound powers. Hahahahaha!
They all make the long walk to the Stargate in silence. But just as they reach it they hear a noise, kind of like a siren. A beam of light shoots down from the sky and hits the Stargate. The Gate crumbles. An amplified voice rings out. It seems to come from somewhere in the sky.
VOICE: Oh, crap!! Sorry! Wrong button. Where is... ahh...
An enormous flying ship appears above them in the sky, blocking out the suns.
VOICE: What the hell did that one do?
VOICE #2: I have no idea. Here, move over, let me try it.
VOICE: Get out of-
VOICE #2: Stop it-
VOICE: Don't hit me you little-
VOICE #2: Ah-HA!
Another, different-colored beam of light erupts from the center of the giant ship and hits a nearby patch of trees. Mist surrounds the target area, and when it clears only a puddle of water is sitting there.
VOICE #2: Aw, damn.
VOICE: Dumbass! Give... it... here!
A beam of light envelops Mayborne, and he disappears.
VOICE: Uh... is that all the Goa'uld that are here?
VOICE #2: It's just that, like, we were told there were more.
JACK: (Shouting up into the sky) Yeah, that's it!
A loud, high squeal bursts out of the ship.
VOICE #2: Aww, damn, man, not so loud! We can hear ya just fine, dude!
VOICE: For the love of Mylneplathththtttpt.
VOICE #2: Ahh, my audio translators...
VOICE: Just speak normally, okay?
JACK: Sorry.
VOICE: Much better. So, are you sure this is all the Goa'uld there are?
JACK: Yeah.
VOICE #2: But he seems so... pathetic.
Mayborne's voice booms out of the sky.
MAYBORNE: Heyyy!
VOICE #2: Shut up!
SMACK
SG-1 laughs.
VOICE: So that's it, then, huh. Wow.
SAM: Yeah, I - I mean, we kicked the rest of their butts.
DANIEL: Yeah, we opened up a can of whoop-ass on their... asses. Heh.
JACK: It was sweeet.
VOICE: Cool!
VOICE #2: Wild, man. Far out. So, like, is that everything then?
JACK: Actually, well, you know...
VOICE: Yeah?
DANIEL: We *could* use a new Stargate. Since... since you... demolished ours.
VOICE: Oh yeah. Sorry.
VOICE #2: Now *that* one was all *your* fault.
VOICE: Shut up. So a new Stargate?
JACK: Yeah, you know, or a ride home. We're not picky. Oh... we live on Earth, by the way.
DANIEL: Jack, he wouldn't know what WE call it.
JACK: Why the hell not? They've visited there before. And they speak our language.
DANIEL: ...
VOICE: Uh... no, you can't come on board. The place is a mess. Heh heh...hmm.
VOICE #2: We can give you a new Stargate, though.
VOICE: Yeah, here you go.
A beam of light appears near the Dial Home Device. But it is Mayborne that materializes inside the light. There is no Stargate.
MAYBORNE: Hey, you guys, look at me. I'm back! Ha! I guess the Asgard are just cooler than you buttlords will ever be. Heh heh heh. They took the Goa'uld out of my ass before it could really get a good hold, so I'm safe now. Hey, buttplugs, don't you guys all congratulate me at once, please, I'm getting all misty here. Oh, screw you guys. Damn, they were up there a really long time, though. (Wiggles around) What the hell is that? Hey... HEY! Hey, what the hell did you alien weirdos leave in my ass?!?
VOICE: (Laughing) Just dial your planet, you'll be fine! See you around, dudes!
VOICE #2: Later!
The ship flies up and away into space with unbelievable speed. It is completely gone in less than a second.
MAYBORNE: Hey! Get back here! Those a**holes left something in my ass and now they're just *leaving!* Those bastards!! I'll kick their grey little asses ifthey ever come back here! Geez, you guys, what the hell are we going to do? You guys are going to have to hunt for food for us all. I suggest you wait a few minutes, till it gets dark. The animals won't see you coming. My Dad taught me that's the best way to hunt. Well, I'll be in the pyramid here. Call me when you get the fire started.
DANIEL: What *are* we going to do, Jack? Without a Stargate, we're never going to get home. We're stuck here, dude! That sucks.
SAM: Mmm, stranded. Alone. Just the two of us...
JACK: Daniel, dial us home.
DANIEL: But Jack-
JACK: Just do it. I have an idea. Quick, before Mayborne gets inside.
Sam and Daniel begin to catch on. Daniel hits the first symbol of the seven that spell out the destination code for the Stargate on Earth. Mayborne stops and his head comes up.
MAYBORNE: What the hell was that?
Daniel hits the second symbol.
MAYBORNE: Hey you guys, I don't feel so good. I'm going to go lie down in the sarcophagus for a while, okay? You might want to take those Zat'guns if you're going to catch my supper.
The third symbol.
MAYBORNE: Hoooly crap...
Fourth symbol.
MAYBORNE: This isn't good, you guys. Can you give me a hand?
Daniel hits the rest of the symbols and something incredible happens - Mayborne's falls to his knees. His pants rip open at the back, and a huge, round, two-storey Stargate unfolds out of his ass. The watery event horizon shimmers and ripples. Sam, Jack, and Daniel cheer and - hesitantly - run into the wormhole, headed back to Earth. About a minute later the event horizon disappears and the Gate refolds itself back into Mayborne's ass.
MAYBORNE: Oww, you guys, that hurt like a sonofabitch. I *said,* you guys, that *hurt* like a *sonofabitch.* It must be some kind of Goa'uld exploding diarrhea or something. Help me to the sarcophagus, will you please? Be a darling, Sam. Jack? Danny-Boy??
Mayborne stands up, rubbing his chubby buttcheeks through the hole in his pants.
MAYBORNE: This is starting to get really cold. Dammit, why won't anybody talk to me? I hate you guys, you know that?
He turns around. He turns around again. He turns around and around, and finally realizes that SG-1 is gone.
MAYBORNE: Oh, sure. You bastards! Run away and leave me alone in my time of need. I... hate... you... guys! I hate you!
The suns drop, and only two moons come out this time. It is much darker than it usually is. Mayborne begins to cringe.
MAYBORNE: Okay, you guys, I'll just make my own difficult way inside then! I guess you all are busy hunting. I can understand that! (He takes two steps, holding his mittens over his freezing ass. He looks left and right.) You guys get your asses back here right the hell now! Do you understand me? I know you can hear me! Respect my authori-tah!
Something howls.
MAYBORNE: YOU SONSABITCHEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!
*****************
Scene 7
Setting: The Gateroom. General Hammond and Doctor Fraiser are there, as are the Armed Alien Welcoming Committee. Jack, Daniel, and Sam emerge through the Stargate and stroll down the metal walkway. They are met by smiles all around. When the event horizon closes and they still have not seen Mayborne, the smiles turn into cheers and wide grins.
JACK: Hey Teal'c.
TEAL'C: Hello, O'Neill. Daniel Jackson. Major Carter.
SAM: Hi Teal'c-y-Poo. (She skips over and gives him a peck on the cheek.)
DANIEL: Hey Jaffa-Boy. How's it hangin'?
TEAL'C: To the left, Daniel Jackson.
DANIEL: Uhhh...okay. More than I wanted to know, Teal'c. Especially after the Stargate *we* just went through.
Sam and Jack laugh.
HAMMOND: Welcome back, children.
FRAISER: You didn't pick up any alien malaria or Goa'uld exploding diarrhea, did you?
JACK, DANIEL, AND SAM: No, Doctor Fraiser. Mmm-kay?
FRAISER: Mmm-kay then. I'll be in General Hammond's quarters. I mean - in the infirmary.
HAMMOND: That's cool. They've still got beds there.
FRAISER: (Laughs) Mmm-kay. Bye then.
Doctor Fraiser leaves.
HAMMOND: There goes a fine dish.
JACK: What was that, General?
HAMMOND: Uh, I said, How was your mission? I see you lost a little extra baggage. (He winked.)
JACK: Yeah, Mayborne too. We left him on the planet.
DANIEL: Yeah, he couldn't fit through the...
Daniel broke off what he was saying. The three travelers shuddered.
HAMMOND: What happened on planet ICUP69XXX, children?
JACK: We'll tell you after, during the debriefing, Sir. Right now I feel like a long shower.
Everyone laughs and leaves the room. Sam and Jack's voices can still be heard through the open door, as they walk down the hall.
SAM: You wanna shower *together,* Jack?
JACK: BAARRF!!
****************
THE END