The Bad Touch Trio are telling this story so he's your warnings.
Warning: This is the BTT and there is a lot of cursing and that's why I decided to make this rated M. It tends to sway off topic a bit. Also, I don't own anything in here. NOTHING!
This was originally supposed to be Prussia as the Grim Reaper telling a love story but then it got out of hand so now it's the BTT. Also, if anyone wants another story parody and narroutted by someone like the BTT, just say so.
Key-
This is Prussia talking
This is Spain talking
This is France talking
This is someone I don't know who.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~
Ok, so an angel, the devil and Death walk into a bar and, wait, you're telling me you already heard this? Well, deal with it bro. Shit, now you just made me forget what I was about to say. That was unawsome. More unawsome then getting the shit beat out of you by the she-devil's frying pan. Really, I don't know why a frying pan though, but I swear that thing is made out of steel or something. Or whatever is the hardest metal out there. Maybe I should start at the being for you unawsome people who just now decide that they'll pay attention. That prick prissy-pants always said that I never had any manners and the she-devil always whacked me in the head and yelled get on with it. Screw them and their manners. I'm doing this my way from now on out. Screw this spell check thing. Unawsome is a fricking word and the Awesome me made it one! Forget it. Stupid laptop that I got for Christmas. If the she-devil gives you a gift, you better take it and not complain or throw it out. Just a piece of advice for you morons who dare cross her path. She finds out everything, from when Tino and Berwald have their dates to probably when I take a shower. I swear that psycho has cameras in my house. Holy shit. I can almost feel her watching me right now, laughing and cackling evilly, getting all the blackmail she can get. Nothing's going on here! I'm just feeding Gilbird his enchiladas! I'm not pouring itching powder into Prissy pant's robes! Shit, did I just say that out loud?
I'm the awesome Gilbert the fucking grim reaper. I hate this job. Pardon my French but it fucking stinks. Why do they even call it French? Never heard Francis say it before. Does he say pardon my English or some other crap? He and that British dude must have something going on between them. Damn it, I'm going of track again. Yes, I'm the grim reaper. Why don't we give this human a fucking prize? All you humans are always like 'Ooo! Beware of the Grim Reaper and his fricking boney hands! He'll take your soul and eat it or kill you or some other type of crappy stories you guys tell.
No, I am not freaking bones or a skeleton. I have skin, muscles a heart and all that other squishy stuff you humans have. That sounded like something Francis would say. That was wrong. Let me clear up a few more things. I don't have a raspy breath and I certainly don't point at old men and then at their gravestones. That was just some special effects Kiku thought of. That dude looks so normal on the outside but he has a psycho mind also. Seriously, how do you think he survives hanging out with the she-devil? Oh, and throw away the long cloak. Although I do have one and a cape but the cape I use to dress as the Batman, yes, he's one of my favorite superheroes. Seriously, he's got all the ladies and a butler named Alfred! That means I can boss around the Alfred I know into being my butler. Oh and Lutzy my little bro could be Robin. The suit really brings out my awesomeness except for the leotards. What awesome person wears unawsome leotards/ Where the tutu?
Nope, no creepy dark robes here. Just black t-shirts, jeans and converse. Oh, and my sidekick Gilbird. I should really stop hanging out with Alfred and Mathias. Being superheroes isn't a great way to pass your time; neither is seeing who can eat the most snicker bars or cream puffs without barfing.
Oh, almost forgot again, she-devil is Elizabeta, also know as the ruler of Hell. Yes, the devil is female. Get over it. No, she doesn't have horns, a pitchfork, fangs or a tail. But no matter what others tell you, I'm willing to bet she turns into your stereotype Devil when she's angry. Minus that part when she turns into a dude though. Don't get image in my head dude. Creepy.
Prissy pants is Roderich the angel. He's the dude that sits at the fucking gate or whatever you believe and sees if you can enter or not. Or the one who guides you into whatever place you believe in. I have deal with him whenever I take a dead soul to see where they go. Since we're on the topic of dead people, I don't plan who's going to die. I get a list from my assistant Mattie. Everyday I would get up and Mattie would be there at my house holding The List. Oh and a plate of pancakes. I loves his pancakes. There's also a waiting room for souls who I have no clue where to go or if the elevator is out of order. Yes, I have to ride an elevator and the elevator music doesn't even seem better when you're dead or like me, not dead.
Would I even be counted as dead or alive? Maybe just in limbo. But anyway.
Fuck, that crazy bitch just threw her frying pan at me. TAKE THIS! Oh-fuck. I don't think I should have thrown the pan back her. I got whack in the head.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THIS BACK! Oh well I'll keep it. Oh shit, she's coming.
Sorry for that guys. Elizabeta just came charging up my driveway, with flames and horns. The whole shebang. I have never used that word before and I hope I never will again. That crazy bitch threw her frying pan at me, accusing me of taking some of her flour! So I threw it back at her, (the frying pan) so she throws it back at me and make a hole in my wall. I already patched up the old one she made last week. I told her I didn't take some!
I took the whole bag. Heh.
Oh, yeah, that reminds me of what I was supposed to talk about. The weirdest thing happened last week. I found out that Elizabeta has the biggest fucking crush on Roddy. You guys must be thinking, 'So? Who cares if they like each other?" No, this is like the small romances this is like creepy stalker like and it's taboo here. Also, she being a devil means that she isn't aloud to go where Roddy is for really old reasons. It's older then me. Going on, some time, we can go onto Earth, by we I mean them. It's because I can go onto Earth whenever I fucking fell like it and when I have a job.
HEAR THAT ELIZA!? I CAN GO WHENEVER I FELL LIKE IT WITHOUT ASKING!
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….
..
..
Oh shit.
NOT THE FACE!
Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! (excuse this moment of silence as Gil is fixing his noise)
She bent my nose! Fuck Gilbird, don't bite me. I'll get on with the story.
Anyway, once they both went onto Earth because supposedly Roddy has a crush on Eliza. I heard that from Antonio who heard it from Francis. Antonio is the dude who rows the boat like they say in Hercules's myths and Francis; I have no freaking clue on what he is. A singing boatman is not what you expect from a supposed creepy dude who carries dead souls. He's always cheery which annoys the crap out of Romano.
I get it Gilbird! I'll try to stay on track. Maybe.
Shit! I will! I will! Stop fucking pecking me!
So, They ended up as two people from two different countries, halfway across the world and their parents just happen to be mortal enemies. I mean, Eliza and mine hate-hate relationship pales in comparison to these parents'. It's like hating is their main purpose in life aside from making cupcakes and those little decoration that go on cupcakes. Roddy's father made cupcakes while Eliza's father made the little edible flowers and shiny balls that looks like metal but you could eat. I could go on about how awesome those little shiny balls are but now I just made it sound wrong.
Should really stop hanging out with France.
So when Eliza was 'reborn' as you humans like to call it, she was the most beautiful person in this village with her long silky brown hair that was like chocolate. Her eyes were like green pools of warmth and her voice was of like angels.
That is the sound of me barfing.
I did not think that about her but that was what the local 'hot rods' as they like to call themselves, thought. They also thought she would fall madly in love with them because of their fake twenty-pack. Holy crappolas. I never knew that even existed. So she's supposed to fall head over heels over these dudes with tiny head, girly legs and like steroid creating pecks. That's what they call it. I just say they look like birds.
SHIT! GILBIRD! I KNOW THAT'S INSULTING TO BIRD-KIND AND YES I WILL GE THE WAFFLES! STOP PECKING ME!
Sorry Gil for screaming at you. Shush, my wittle birdie, you know I love you and of course we can have a waffle party. Who's my wittle birdie? Who's my wittle birdie?
Oh, hola! Antonio here! Gilbert's a bit too busy with Gilbird number two. Since he's not going to tell you the story,
And mostly talks about himself. Why not talk about love himself? Francis Bonnfery!
Ignore Francis. OK, now where we're we? Ah, this part. Eliza was the loveliest of the town, having suitors swoon over her day and night. But the night ones changed to day after some got shot in the ass by her trigger-happy father. Even yours truly had bitten the bullet, no pun intended. But have no fear I am still here! Now, as I was saying. Meanwhile in another town, far away in the nation of Austria, there was a young child who was a prodigy. But a prodigy for the wrong subject according to this child's parent. The prodigy went by the name of Roderich, who loved to play music, especially his piano and violin. His father wanted him instead to follow in his footsteps and become a professional barker. His father was the strict rule lover type with his blonde hair slicked back.
Oh, did Gil mention this? Both of their fathers absolutely hated each other. Odd thing was, both couldn't work without the other. One would bake the cupcakes and the other would create the objects on it. So they were basically inseparable.
Their children on the other hand were soul mates. Probably something to do with them being Elizabeta and Roderich but anyway. They didn't know that, not keeping their memories from the past life. I knew that because I could see the red sting of fate tiny together their pinkies.
Also, they are Elizabeth and Roderich in this life.
Si, the Fates have no sense of imagination.
Ok! So one day, a princess had decided to create a festival celebrating food. Like International Food day or something.
Ay dios mio. I mean PRINCE not princess. They are a chico, not a chica.
So this PRINCE invited all of the famous chefs from all over the world and personally invited the cupcake and decorating creator. Now, all the chefs in the world were shoved into a town that the prince owned. There were little stands filled with delicious food that the chefs put everything into.
I swear everything. I think one of those Swiss rolls is actually Swiss.
Joke time!
How do you make a Swiss roll?
…
…..
You roll him down a mountain!
Bam dum tush!
Gracias Francis. Okay, so it just so happened that Eliza was looking at a display that was covered with enchiladas while Roderich was playing his violin trying to get people to look at their cupcakes.
The newly dubbed "Bad Touch Trio" or BTT, was all there. Gil at the beer, Fran at the wine and I was looking at the tacos.
It just so happened that when I went to go eat my enchilada, some random asshole grabs it and
EATS.
MY.
ENCHINLADA!
So now moi, the king of love shall tell you the st-
FUCK NO! IT'S THE AWSOME ME'S TURN!
No! You keep on rambling about your pájaro!
SHUT UP ALL THREE OF YOU! I WILL! Prussia, it is in fact your story.
While Antonio over here was beating the shit out of a random person with a stick, love happened!
Eliza was looking at an interesting frying pan that was made out of pasta and tomatoes….
ANTONIO STOP DROLLONG ON ME! CRAP!
YOU MADE IT LOOK LIKE I PIED IN MY PANTS!
Are you saying you didn't?
WHEN all of a sudden a small object rolled toward her. She picked it up, finding it was the wired amber thing that violinist use. She followed the violin music, thinking it was the player's. It was in fact his. So this is how it went.
"I think you lost-." She looks into his eyes.
"Thank y-." Looks into her eyes and BAM! INSTANT LOVE IN A CUP! You know like the instant ramen noodles in a cup? They gazed in each others eyes, like deer in headlights and opened their mouths to sayhow beautiful the other. Oinly to find out,
Both of them couldn't understand the other.
The stupid shitting language barrier was the only thing keeping them from cofessing their ever burning love for each other.
This is why I was (forced!) going to school, to learn these laungeges.
And that's where their fathers found them, gazing into each other's eyes like lovesick dodo birds. The lovebirds were dragged away before one of the fathers got a face full of a hundred pecent metal pan.
That had happened to me a lot of times so I don't really fell sorry. But still, at least it wasn't me.
So the lovers ran off with each other, hiding in a freaking graveyard of all places! Why not the mall?
They were cuddling and rubbing noses together and other romantic shit that makes me hurl when the mall collapses around them. At this, I'm glaring at Toni who was holding a rubber chicken and he almost cowered under my awesomeness!
He managed to knock down a whole mall with a rubber chicken.
RUBBER!
So then their fathers faint and freak out. Wait no, freak out then faint.
THE AWSOME ME DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES!
Like all crappy fairy tails, this one had to end by yes, they did get married, had a bizillon children. And no, none of them did suicide then it turns out the other didn't die but was put into a temporary death state.
Actually two named Feliciano and Romano. Roma looks like a tomato! A chubby tomato!
And they died an early death because I was getting fucking bored with their family of bunny rabbits,
Meaning Gil got bored with keeping track of the children and when they were supposed to die.
So I made Eliza and Roderich die in their sleep. Peacful at least and they were in each other's arms.
Elizabeta beat the crap out of me the next day when she was back at her devil job screaming that I didn't let them live long enough to enjoy the moment.
Everyone knows that humans don't live long enough for that.
Hell, even Antonio knows that!
Si mi amigo?
Never mind.
~X~X~XXXX~~X~~
I know the ending was a bit rushed but the Bad Touch Trio have a short attention span sometimes. But anyway, can anyone guess what story this was based off of?
Ps. Prussia I think would be prone to wandering off topic and would never stay with one story so that's why it went crazy.
I think I should write another chapter but if anyone wants another story parody then tell me and tell me if you want the BTT narrating it or someone else.
Thank you.