A/N Here's a cute set of seven stories, following the crew of the Argo 2 on the week long return to Camp Half Blood after defeating Gaia. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Percy Jackson setting, characters or events. Just the cupcakes :)

Story 1: Hazel meets Siri

The Argo 2 was on its way back to Camp Half-Blood, and the crew was getting restless. After battling demonic Mother Earth one day, a nice week-long trip home sounded pretty boring. That is, until Hazel discovered the iPhone...

"WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?" Hazel shrieked as Siri gave her directions to the nearest Taco Bell. Everyone on board ran to her cabin, clad in armor and ready to kill whatever monster had gotten onto the ship.

"Hazel, what's wrong?" Frank asked, currently assuming the form of the fiercest animal known to mankind: a Canada goose. This only caused Hazel to scream more, and the iPhone was promptly launched at the bird's head, who blacked out. She'd secretly had a crippling phobia of geese ever since... The incident.

"Turn left in 403.92 nautical miles," Siri chirped in her synthesized voice. Hazel tried to climb out the porthole, only to be pulled back in my Piper.

"Hazel... Are you actually scared of Siri?" she asked in disbelief as the girl cowered in the corner, hissing at the device.

"IT HAS A NAME?" she bellowed. The crew exchanged wary looks. Suddenly, a 5 foot tall satyr jumped through the porthole, a baseball bat leaning on his shoulder.

"What needs killing, cupcakes?" Coach Hedge asked, waving the bat around.

"I found 12 pastry shops, 1 of them is fairly close to you." Siri said, prompted by the mention of baked goods.

"Whh-aat?" The coach said, searching for the British accent. The demigods, with the exception of Hazel, face palmed. Annabeth, however, seemed bothered by Siri's statement.

"Um, Wise girl?" Percy said to his girlfriend, clearly bothered by the distant look in her eyes she only gets when she's thinking too hard. She turned to him, before saying,

"Why would there be a pastry shop in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?" she asked.

"ANNABETH, BE QUIET! DON'T LISTEN TO THAT INFERNAL DEVICE!" Hazel begged, anxious to get Siri's lies out of their heads.

"The Infernal Devices, written by Cassandra Clare in August 31 of-" Siri began as Hazel resumed screaming. Frank, after regaining consciousness and morphing back into human form, picked up the white iPhone. He scanned the room. Hazel was still shuddering in the corner, disgust evident on her face as she glared at the Apple product. Annabeth and Percy were in deep discussion about… Monsters Doughnuts? Jason and Piper were making out (no surprise there) and Coach Hedge was waving his bat at the device. And Nico? No one ever knows where Nico is...

"OKAY, MEETING IN THE MAIN ROOM!" He yelled, and the group went upstairs.

It took quite a bit of coaxing to get Hazel upstairs, but when he promised they would be sacrificing Siri to the gods, the daughter of Pluto smiled suspiciously and eagerly agreed, casting a menacing glare at the phone and whispering something under her breath.

The crew sat around the big table, the slightly dented iPhone sitting at the centre. Annabeth explained what the Hades Siri is to the rest of the crew.

"Siri is an intelligent personal assistant and knowledge navigator which works as an application for Apple Inc.'s iOS. The application uses a natural language user interface to answer questions, make recommendations, and perform actions by delegating requests to a set of Web services." Annabeth said, quoting Wikipedia word for word.

"Correct," Siri said. "I am your personal interactive device."

Hazel barely contained her shiver of fear.

"Can we kill it now?" she whispered, careful not to let the phone catch onto her plan. "It knows things. Terrible things."

"Hazel Levesque's statement is accurate." The phone began, causing Hazel to whimper. "I know all your secrets."

Jason burst out laughing.

"Are you telling me," He began, "That this... This iPhone knows everything?"

"Do you doubt me?"

"Kinda."

Instantly, a certain son of Hades shadow traveled onto the table, his feet landing firmly on the phone, which miraculously didn't break. Must've been the screen protector, those things are like "I just bathed in the River Styx" indestructible.

"I will begin with you, infidel," Siri said in a dangerously calm tone. The crew looked at her expectantly. Jason, however, caught onto her drift.

"Um Nico, say sorry to Siri and back away slowly." he said, the image of his least favourite love god imprinted in his head.

"What?" Nico asked, oblivious to the fact that the iPhone was about to tell everyone on the Argo 2 his darkest secret. Being the idiot he is, Nico didn't say sorry and just attempted to run out of the room.

"Not so fast, Ghost King." Siri said, commanding the doors to slam shut and lock. While Nico pounded his fists on the metal, Leo jumped up and began questioning the application.

"How did you do that? You work like Festus? If I buy an iPhone and hook it up to my sphere..." the mechanic's mind whirled. Siri wasn't in the mood, and went back to intimidating Nico.

"You haven't told them, have you?" Siri taunted. "Your deepest secret, hidden fear. The reason you run away..." Nico gulped.

"The one you love is..."

"MITT ROMNEY!" Jason blurted before Siri ruined literally everything. The search term thankfully overrode the phone's A.I. and she began rambling about the 2012 Republican electoral candidate.

"Willard Mitt Romney (born March 12 1947) is an American businessman..."

"Thank Hades," Nico muttered. Frank seemed disturbed by this fact. Piper got really excited.

"I SHIP YOU MICO!" The daughter of Aphrodite screeched. "I SHIP IT SO HARD!"

...And Piper passed out from fingerling. Who knew?

Finally, Hazel had had enough of this obnoxious Siri. No one ships her brother and Mitt Romney together. No one but her. With a battle cry of "FOR SOCIETY!" Hazel lunged at the device and swung her imperial gold sword, her cries of rage echoing through the room. The screen protector deflected the blow, creating a shower of sparks. This lead to the boat catching fire.

After a couple hours of Percy summoning waves to drown the flames, and Leo shimmying with the moves of a pro in the blazing heat, the Argo 2 was finally back to its original condition... Well, other than the fact that Nico was whimpering at the top of the mast, trying to put as much distance between him and the dreaded A.I..

Hazel, however, was laughing maniacally as she tortured the device.

"Ouch." Siri declared without emotion as Hazel dropped her in the ice-cold water of the Atlantic, before Leo went all "FLAME ON." At last, it was too much for the application. With a final dying breath, Siri said,

"I love Obama..." And Siri passed on, her spirit floating to the Underworld.

Annabeth had been watching the day unfold, and frankly, she was happy it was over. The crew was back to normal (aside from Nico still trembling on the ship's mast). Unfortunately, when she walked by Hazel's room, she couldn't help but notice that she was contacting the Underworld, more precisely, her father, King of the Underworld.

"Yes dad, I'm sure Siri deserves this punishment. Yes, pictures of Obama kissing Mitt Romney's feet. Everywhere. OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO THE FIELDS OF PUNISHMENTS... pwetty pwease? Thanks Daddykniz. BYE!"

Annabeth had nightmares of a certain Siri cursing in the Underworld in a realm where Mitt Romney was supreme ruler.