Ok, this is my first fic and I thought it was very funny. I know there will be some people who won't feel the same, and I respect that. Please review me because I need the input. If I'm leaving anything out, remind me and I'll put it back in. Oh yeah, I have to write a disclaimer.



Disclaimer: This piece is an original work based on the Harry Potter book series by J.K. Rowling. I claim no ownership of anything written by J.K. Rowling, she created this series and deserves credit. I also claim no ownership of anything Harry Potter related. I am not a crook, and I don't intend to be. If I use any quotes from literature, movies, or songs, the name of the piece along with the artist will be noted. Don't sue me, please, I have given credit for these people's work.



Shoutouts to Gemma, Mr. Big, Cheesy, and all the pygmys of the world!!

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\ Chapter One \

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It was a bright and sunny August morning. The sun was just rising and there was a light hint of dew on the grass. Since the sun was only just rising, the normal things that you would expect to see on an August morning were not yet happening. There were not any old men standing on the porch sipping coffee, looking for the morning news that the paperboy had conveniently thrown into the bushes, again. there was no young lad out mowing lawns or raking leaves, trying to find any job he could get to scrape up those few extra pounds he would need to take his girlfriend to dinner on Friday night. Just as there were no small children out waiting for the bus, their mothers waving them off and going back into the house only to realize that she had forgotten their lunches and working herself into wild hysterics, whipping through the kitchen at almots mach speed and throwing lunches together as she went. No, any number of things among these and infinite others would be happening on any usual August morning at around 8:00 AM, but it was closer to 5:00 AM and none of these things were happening yet. However, that is not to say that there was nothing happening on this bright, sunny, and early August morning. In fact, at this very moment there were no less that thirty gnomes running around the Weasly's garden.

"Now watch close, Dean. You just pull 'em up off the ground, then you do this," explained George. He had a squat, leathery gnome in his hand, and he began to swing it over his head by the ankles. When he let go of the litte thing, it flew at least fifty feet through the air and landed with a soft thud just past and old stump.

"And that doesn't hurt them?" asked Dean. He was a rather tall, lanky fellow for his age, so he actually was about eye-to-eye with the twins. He actually looked a lot like Ron, except for the hair. He had wild blond hair that was much too long for him. It was always getting in his eyes or drying in positions that were not exactly dashing. In spite of all of this, he never allowed it to be cut. The only way his mother could manage it would be to catch him early in the morning, still asleep, and perform a very delicate and very quiet shearing charm, hoping all the while that he would not wake up. Dean's parents, the Algents, were close friends of the Weasley's, and he had been left in their care until he started school.

"Nah," Fred answered, "they don't seem to care. You just have to get 'em really dizzy. That way they'll have a harder time getting back to their gnomeholes as quickly."

"And that," said George in an official, documentary-type voice, "is how to de-gnome a garden."

"Thank you Captain Obvious," Ron chimed in.

"Don't get to smart there, Ron," Fred growled, "There's still a few ton-tongue toffees we managed to hide from mum."

"Yeah, and it's be a real shame if one of them somehow turned up in your oatmeal one morning," George threatened him.

"You guys wouldn't dare," said Ron, cowering back from them, "mum'd ring your necks if she knew you still had those things. I thought you swore them off."

"Well, I suppose we could have just one last showing, couldn't we Fred?" said George.

"Yeah, I think once more would be just enough to finish with a bang." Fred replied.

"Whoa there, people," Dean chimed in, "don't you guys think you're being a little harsh with your brother? He's just making a joke."

"What, did you think we were serious?" asked Fred, chuckling a little to himself.

"Yeah, really Dean. We're just having some fun with our little brother, no feelings hurt."

"Maybe not your feelings," Ron grumbled, throwing one poor gnome about ten feet into a bush.

"Oh don't sweat it, Ron. You know we'd only give those toffees to Dudley or Mrs. Norris." George reassured him. Fred nodded in agreement and Dean smiled. Ron, however, was trying very hard not to be mad. Then, he couldn't stop it anymore and burst into laughter.

"Can't you just imagine that cat with a tongue bigger than itself? Ha ha ha!" he said hysterically. Within minutes they were all doubled over rolling on the ground laughing and hooting uncontrollably.

"BOYS!! Are you trying to wake the whole house up?!!" Mrs. Weasley was running out onto the lawn in a pink bathrobe and yellow slippers, brandishing a frying pan in her hand and her wand sticking out of her pocket.

"Don't you have any consideration for those of us who AREN'T insomniacs?!!" she yelled. "If you were at least doing something productive like de-gnoming the garden, it wouldn't be as bad, but no! What are you out here doing? I'll tell you what you're doing: YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY HARD TO RELAX!!!" and with these words she stamped her foot on the ground so hard that it was a wonder none of the gnomes came up for a look.

Then, after about fifteen seconds of cowering in fear, Dean took over.

"We're really very sorry, Mrs. Weasley. The boys here were actually just showing me how to de-gnome the garden, when Ron told us this smashing-good joke. It's that one where Merlin, the Queen Mum, and Nicholas Flamel are all on the train, and-"

"That's very nice, Dean, and if it's true I'm very sorry. But next time, would you please try to keep it down?" replied Mrs. Weasley in an exhausted, quite warm, motherly voice.

"Yes, mum."

"Yes, mum."

"Sorry, mum."

"It won't happen again, mum," they said with their heads down in shame.

"Well, now that's in order. How about some breakfast?" Mrs. Weasley said brightly. They all heartily agreed, and surrounded Dean as she walked back to the Burrow.

"That was amazing, Dean! I've never even seen dad calm down mum that quickly before!" Ron exclaimed.

"Yeah, we should keep you around more. You've got this stuff down." George said, patting Dean on the shoulder.

Dean did not know what the big deal was, this was easy for him. Then again, the ability to talk to parents and get out of trouble just seemed to come naturally to him. Like the time he set the Christmas tree on fire and convinced his mom that he was decorating it and decided to give it a little more "pizzaz."

"I hope you're really good at talking your way out of things, you'll need to with Professors Snape and McGonagall breathing down your neck." said Ron.

"Yeah, and not to mention Filch," George told him, "He and Mrs. Norris know almost as many secret passages as we do, and they'll pop up anywhere there's trouble, anytime." As Dean listened, a smile grew over his face.

Man, this is gonna be great trying to outsmart that old coot and his cat. I wonder if Fred and George will show me those secret passages they found. Goddess, I hope I'm in Gryffindor! But I don't suppose Ravenclaw would be that bad, though. Ah well, I know I'll be in Gryffindor, both mum and dad were in it when they went to Hogwarts, and all of the Weasleys were in it, and I spent plenty of time with them. It's rather strange, but I can almost feel a bit of an evil presence.... but it couldn't have to do with Hogwarts. I'll bet it's just the fear of Voldemort, knowing that he's back again. I'm not quite sure that I'm happy Fred and George told me, but it's better to know.

All of this raced through Dean's mind faster than you can imagine; it wasn't even long enough fot the other boys to notice his eyes getting glazed over, staring off at the lawn, deep in thought, as they started walking back to the breakfast. Then, Fred turned around.

"Hey, Dean. C'mon, you don't want to miss breakfast, do you?"

That snapped Dean out of it at once. He shook his head out and followed after them at last.

"Sorry, fellows. Couldn't help fantasizing about Hogwarts, you know," he huffed as he jogged to catch up, "hope I'll be in Gryffindor." he added.

"Of course you will, you've always been hanging around us and we're about as Gryffindor as they come." George beamed as he threw an arm around Dean's shoulder, "but you'll have to get used to having red as your color, unless you want to be blue with the Ravenclaws." This was rather an understatement, because almost every day Dean was dressed from head to foot in robes of a deep azure(blue), of a blue shirt and dark blue levis. And he didn't wear those loose-fit, baggy jeans; no, he would wear 501 Levis with a really good-looking belt. Nothing fancy, it just looked great with jeans. He would wear blue baseball shirts, golf shirts, or stretchy t-shirts that went well with his progressing muscle mass. Upon hearing this, he looked at his clothes as if to say "what?"

"Oh, don't worry about it, I can still wear these under my school robes, can't I?" he said aloud.

"Too true, too true," said Ron, "but still, it would be nice of you would wear some Gryffindor red for a switch."

"I suppose I could give it a whirl," Dean responded, "but blue will always be my color." he added at the last moment.

George clasped his hands together, "Good. Now that's all settled, why don't we go eat? We wouldn't want to get the old woman wound up once more, would we?"

"Wonderful work on that alliteration, George. I'm glad to see you're learning something." Dean joked.

"Well, you know. It just takes practice; and a very extensive vocabulary with lots of big words." Fred added.

"Enough dawdling! Do you boys want breakfast or not?!!!" Mrs. Weasley yelled from the kitchen door.

"Coming, mum!" they said in unison.

If Mrs. Weasley had been the only person up before, then the case was definitely changed now.

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\ End of Chapter 1 \

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Well, there you have it: my first fic!!!!!!!!!! ::jumps for joy many times:: Thank the Goddess it's finally over!! I hope you all liked it, I know I did. Please, PLEASE r/r, I don't care what the reviews are like, because I know it was excellent (that doesn't mean you don't have to tell me that). Thanks once again to Gemma for showing me ff.net and getting me started here. And don't worry, my newfound fans, I'm working on Chapter 2 as we speak. Once again, this was really fun and I won't be stopping anytime soon.

Bye4Now,

~$$Blue Mage$$~