CHAPTER 1: these swords r dooling, babe
The year is 2015. The school is Catholic Memorial High School. The sport is fencing.
Bosh Slay, the captain of the Broil team, had just sat down with his main girls, Pâté, Chlamydia, Dandruff, and Julia. Suddenly, he whipped out his sword.
"Ready to duel, girls?" he challenged. The girls squealed and neighed in excitement.
"Yes, Bosh! Let's do some drills!" they shrieked.
"Not so fast!" said a deep, commanding voice in the distance.
Enter Philip Foot Long, a burly hunk of a man with a whole lot of junk in the trunk.
"I challenge ye to a sword fight. I see you have your weapon at hand." And with that, Philip Three Foot Long drew an enormous blade from his sack.
"Holy crap that's a huge sword! How do you manage to carry that thing?" Bosh Slay inquired.
"Wanna find out? Come over here and I'll let you hold it."
Bosh Slay blushed modestly. He tiptoed over to Philip's huge weapon and took it in his hands.
"Wow! It's surprisingly easy to handle."
"Yeah..." Philip moaned.
"Alright, let's begin DOOLING SWORDS."
"Mm yeah I think I'm ready," Philip whispered, bracing himself.
WARNING: THE CONTENT BELOW MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR CHILDREN WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION. TO PROTECT THE INNOCENCE OF OUR CHILDREN, PLEASE JUST STOP.
"Okay, captain. Let's do some footwork." Philip implored.
"As you wish." Bosh slurped.
"Advance. Retreat. Advance Advance Advance. Double retreat. Double retreat. Advance. Triple Advance. Advance. Advance advance advance advance advance advanceadvanceadvanceadvanceadvance LUNGEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Sweat streamed down their faces. Their calves burned, and they moaned in agony.
"I can't take it anymore. Let's get our weapons."
Julia died at the scene.