Hello people. This is just something on the side. It's the result of some serious tension and evil writer's block. This was beta'd by the best friend I could ever ask for Little Silver Rose. Lots and lots of love to you. This is darker than what I usually write and will probably only be about three to five chappies long. Nothing big and the chappies are short. So....
Disclaimer:"S Meyer here. R4L owns nothing but her brilliant brain and I know she'll get past her writer's block soon. Read on!"
Let It Go
Chapter 1
Why did I do these things to myself? Why did I put myself through such torture and pain? Why did I hate myself?
Hate.
Such a strong word.
It can invoke the most powerful emotions in someone, make someone do something they later regret, say things they regret, believe things they shouldn't. They can't tell the difference between something real and something fake. Delusions, hallucinations, apparitions, they can all be born of hate.
And I think I was too.
I was born from hate. My parents hated each other. It was as simple as that. I don't know how they stayed together for twenty years without killing each other but they did and of their hate came me.
You see, according to my mother, Elizabeth, she and Edward Sr. got into a heated argument about her using his money to go back to school to get her Masters in business. To make a long story short they attacked each other, fists, slaps, yelling, screaming, you get the picture. They ended up having rough sex in which he practically raped her while she still attacked him.
Nine months later I came.
And my father never failed to remind me that I was a mistake and he wished my mother had gotten an abortion.
Edward Sr. was a cold man. He inherited The Masen Hotel from his father when he died of a heart attack about five years ago. He made a killing from it because the hotel was in the heart of New York City. I don't know how he ran the hotel and kept up the façade of the perfect life with the perfect wife and son but he did.
Elizabeth held the façade too and daddy dearest always threatened my life if I didn't do the same. The few times I refused, he almost beat me to death. I was in the hospital three times with near death injuries and he paid the staff to keep the shit that happened under wraps.
To this day I still don't know why he acts like that or why my mother does too. But Grandpa Masen never did. He was the sweetest old man anyone could ever meet. He used to take me out of that treacherous house and take me to toy stores where I could get anything I wanted, he told me stories of what my father was like when he was a child, hold me when I took naps in his lap…
I miss those days and when he died I retreated into myself. Edward Sr. blamed me for his death though his voice held no malice because he knew he was getting money out of it and Elizabeth just said nothing. She never really cared for the old man.
I didn't talk to either one of them after his death, not that I did much of that before. I stayed up in my room. I painted the walls black, covered the windows with black drapes and wore black all the time. You could say I was in mourning for my dead granddaddy but I wasn't.
I was self-loathing.
All the shit my parents said to me, the hate, the pain, the sorrow, the death, the accusations it all built up and then I started to believe it.
I believed it was my fault Grandpa Masen died. It was my fault my mother couldn't go back to school. It was my fault their lives where a living hell. They blamed me for every little thing that went wrong because they sure weren't going to blame themselves, at least not while they had someone else to blame things on.
And guess who that could be…
When I wasn't in school I was in my room. I hardly slept, spent my time in the dark. I listened to music that blasted from my iPod. I listened to everything from Apocolyptica's I Don't Care to Slipknot's Wait and Bleed.
Call me emo, if you want but I just didn't give a shit.
My whole demeanor was dark. People stayed away from me like there was an invisible force field around me. No one ever made eye contact with me. No one ever talked to me. And I liked it that way. I kept to myself. I built walls around myself in case anybody who dared to look at me and try to decipher the shit in my head could immediately be warded off.
My teachers didn't talk to me either. They really had no reason to. I was the smartest kid in my class, that I think they were scared of me too.
The beginning of my junior year there was a rumor of a new girl coming, the daughter of some high end Movie producer who moved here from San Diego. A month into the school year the much anticipated girl arrived.
I hadn't seen her all day but Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory, the slut twins of the school, were raving about her, well, more like talking shit about her.
"Did you see those pants she was wearing? Total knock offs!" Jessica said.
"I know right! And those shoes! You'd think she found them off the street." Lauren scoffed.
I heard them say that while walking down the hallway to Biology. I shook my head and smirked at the wide birth a few people gave me when I turned a corner and stepped into my classroom. I took my seat in the back, pulled out a notebook and started to write meaningless words all over the page.
The classroom was only half full and Mr. Banner wasn't there yet but two minutes later that changed. The room was suddenly full and a girl walked in with Mr. Banner.
She had mahogany hair that almost reached her waist and pale skin. Her brown eyes shifted nervously around the room taking in everything and everyone, including me.
A part of my brain noticed how quiet the room had gotten and how people were blatantly staring at her but the other part of my brain was completely focused on her. A tremor ran through my body.
Her eyes.
I felt like they could see right through me, like they could see all I've been through, all that had happened to me. They held my gaze and then she blinked and looked to Mr. Banner.
A long, shallow breath came out of me. I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. I watched as she talked with Mr. Banner, gave him a paper to sign and a book and head towards me. As she got closer I noticed what she was wearing. The black jeans that hugged her hips and thighs made my hands jealous because they suddenly wanted to run up and down them. The black chucks she wore were old and beaten but it added to her vintage look. The blue cami she wore accentuated her bosom and I had a hard time trying to find something else to look at.
Then she was in front of me.
She looked slightly scared but more nervous and her lips moved. It took me a minute to realize she was talking to me. Her lips were so…kissable; it was hard to focus on something else.
"Hi, is this seat taken?" Her soft voice wrapped around me and it felt like I was being lifted into the air. I felt weightless and empty, like all the shit I was carrying around me wasn't there anymore.
I shook my head at her and she sat, placing the book on the table in front of her. Mr. Banner started talking but I tuned him out, trying to remember what this girl's voice sounded like. I stared at her the whole period. She didn't speak to me or look at me and I was slightly sad because I wanted her to. I never wanted attention from anyone but she made me want to jump up on the table and scream 'I'm here! Look at me!'
I watched as she wrote notes about the lesson and listened to everything Mr. Banner said. I was again saddened when she didn't look at me when the bell rang as she gathered her things. I grabbed my notebook and as I stood to leave, her hand suddenly slipped into mine.
A shot of electricity shot up my arm and I suddenly felt very hot. And just like that her hand was gone and she was half way to the door. I looked down at my hand to see if it was on fire but it wasn't. There was a piece of paper in my hand though. I stood frozen for a moment and then headed to my last class of the day in a kind of daze, wondering when she wrote on a piece of paper since I watched her the whole period.
When I got home I, as per usual, went to my room and sat on the edge of my bed. I wanted to read her note the moment I realized it was there but something told me to read it in private.
I pulled it from my pocket and slowly unfolded it. The words made me gasp, my breath caught in my throat and my eyes sting.
I see you, Edward. It doesn't have to hurt all the time.
A single tear rolled down my cheek.
She saw me.
I knew she did but I think a part of me hoped she didn't. She didn't deserve to be subjected to such horrors, especially the horrors of me. She looked so innocent, so untouched by the world of mystery and terror. My mind was telling me to stay away from her but I couldn't. Not now. Not after she saw me.
She saw me.
My body wanted to be near her, my ears wanted to hear her voice, my eyes wanted to take in her beauty, the only light in my otherwise dark world. But my mind screamed for me to tell her off, to tell her that I didn't need anyone poking around in my personal business, that I didn't need her to shake my dark world. It was what I knew and I didn't want it to change.
But I did.
What do you think? Hit the little green button and let me know. If I get twenty-five reviews I'll update on Monday but if not it'll be Thursday or Friday. My muse has been Automatic by Tokio Hotel. It's their hot new single. Check it out!!
For those of you readers waiting for an update on SAM, that will come out within the next week. I apologize for the long wait but I had a two week vacation, no computer access, no internet and then school started and I've barely been able to write anything. So sorry for the wait. But I hope my new story co-written with Little Silver Rose, called Trials and Tribulations kept you busy. If only for a little bit. Again I apologize for the wait. ^_^
Until next time, R4L.