Author's Note: Okay, this is just a random little one shot that is an expansion on a small flashback that is going to be in one of my other stories, The Righteous Side of Hell. If you're not currently reading that story, no worries because this stands on it's own. If you are currently reading that, look for snippets of this piece in Chapter Six! I hope you like it and please review and let me know what you think!
Smoke and Mirrors
Lily couldn't sleep.
She would lay on one side for a while before she would roll over and try laying on the other. Then she would lay on her back and stare up at the canopy over her bed. She'd realize only after a few minutes that having her eyes open wasn't helping matters so she would force them closed. But then after a while she'd realize that they were open again without her being about to remember when that had happened.
With a groan of frustration, Lily sat up. This was silly. This shouldn't be bothering her so much. It wasn't like it was anything she hadn't already known. But then why couldn't she sleep?
She reached over and pushed the curtains around her bed aside a bit so that she could glimpse the clock on her bedside table. It was almost two in the morning. Lily sighed. That alarm was going to go off far too soon.
She decided that she had to do something other than just lay there, so she carefully pushed the curtains aside so that she could climb out of bed. She grabbed her dressing gown that hung next to her bed and wrapped it securely around herself before she quietly made her way through the dormitory, careful not to wake any of her roommates. She winced as the door squeaked as she eased it open, and after she slipped through it she left it open so she could just slip back in.
She padded down the stairs, thinking that maybe a few laps around the common room might help relax her mind. Surely there would be no one else up at this late hour on a school night.
As she descended into the common room, at a glance she had figured she was right about no one else being up. Her first indication that something was amiss was the temperature. It seemed colder in the room than it should have been. She glanced around as she pulled her dressing gown tighter around herself and quickly saw the reason for the chill that flowed through the room. One of the windows was wide open... and in that window sat a figure.
"Black?" Lily said as she approached.
Sirius Black turned at the sound of her voice. He was sitting sideways on the wide windowsill, his back leaning up against the wall and one hand up, seeming braced against the top of the window. The first thing that Lily noticed was the way that his eyes widened in surprise at who had snuck up on him. The second thing she noticed was that there was a Muggle cigarette hanging from between his lips.
For a moment, the two only stared at each other, both clearly at a loss of what to say upon finding the other. Lily realized that Sirius was still dressed in the majority of his school uniform – his tie hanging untied around his neck, the top couple buttons of his dress shirt undone to reveal a black t-shirt underneath and the top of some kind of logo that Lily could only assume belonged to one of the Muggle bands that he obsessed over – indicating he hadn't been to bed yet despite the late hour.
Sirius reached up and plucked the cigarette out from between his lips with two fingers, an action he did with such ease that it made it clear this was not the fifteen year old's first smoke.
"You smoke?" Lily finally asked, breaking the silence. She knew that it was a stupid question the moment the words left her mouth.
"No, why?" Sirius said in one of the most convincingly innocent tones she had ever heard from him. Lily rolled her eyes at him impatiently as she crossed her arms over her chest. Then he looked down at the cigarette resting between his figures as if he'd never seen it before. "Now where did that come from? I swear, Evans, I've never seen it before in my life!"
Lily gave an exaggerated sigh. "Very funny," she said, clearly not amused.
"Worth a shot," Sirius said as he brought the cigarette back to his lips and inhaled deeply. "Are you going to give me detention?"
Lily studied him for a moment. As a prefect, she knew that catching an underage student smoking was worth more than just a detention. She should report him to Professor McGonagall for more strict disciplinary action. Any other day, she would have done just that without a second thought. In fact, she would have been happy to do that to someone like Sirius Black, a boy she could hardly even stand to be around.
But somehow, tonight she just couldn't do it.
This wasn't the Sirius Black that she knew, hanging around with Potter, laughing obnoxiously and so carefree that it seemed that nothing could ever get to him. It wasn't the Sirius Black that could often play cruel pranks on younger students and wouldn't bat an eye when he was dealt a week's worth of detention as long as it didn't interfere with any of the Quidditch games. This seemed like a very different boy she had come across tonight. This was a boy sitting alone in the common room at two in the morning, his shoulders hunched and a strangely haunted look in his stormy gray eyes. The haughty confidence that always seemed to radiate off of him seemed to have been drained away.
"I haven't decided yet," Lily finally admitted matter-of-factly.
Sirius quirked an eyebrow at that, the only outward sign at his surprise. Lily took a few steps closer to get a better look at him. With a start, she realized that he wasn't simply sitting on the windowsill, blowing smoke out into the night as she had originally thought. While his right leg was propped up on the windowsill, his left leg was actually hanging out the window, dangling above the grounds that were far below the Gryffindor Tower. It seemed like such a precarious position to sit in, with his weight pulling toward oblivion. That's when Lily realized his free hand was not just braced against the top of the window; he was actually holding on, his grip tight in order to keep himself steady and possibly the only thing keeping him on solid ground.
"Aren't you afraid you'll fall?" Lily questioned.
As if he hadn't thought of that, he placed the cigarette back between his lips as he turned to look out the window. To Lily's surprise, he leaned out even further as if to see just how far down the ground was, his head and torso hanging out into the nothingness, his free arm dangling down and swaying in the breeze. Just watching made Lily's stomach flip. She never did like heights.
"No, not really," Sirius said unnecessarily.
For a minute, Lily could only stare at him with wide eyes. "Sirius Black, you get back in here," she finally demanded, a slight note of panic in her voice as she suddenly pictured the boy in front of her slipping and disappearing into the darkness beyond the window.
Sirius smirked around his cigarette as he leaned back in, though he still seemed to have his weight shifted toward the outside. "What's wrong, Evans? Scared of heights?"
Lily glared at him. "No," she lied. "I just don't want to have to clean it up if you fall and kill yourself."
"I'm touched," Sirius said, deadpan. He took a long drag off of his cigarette. "What are you doing up anyway?"
Lily shifted uncomfortably. "Couldn't sleep," she said after a pause.
Sirius nodded sagely. "Join the club." He indicated the windowsill next to him.
Lily took a half step forward, unsure if that was a serious invitation and also unsure why she was tempted to take it.
Sirius shrugged, seemingly unconcerned by Lily's uncertainty. He turned his head to look back out the window, but not before Lily saw something flash in his stormy grey eyes. It was something familiar, something that she could relate to. She saw a mirror of her own troubles very briefly in his eyes. That's when a thought suddenly popped into her head.
"Are you bothered by that Howler your mother sent this morning?" Lily suddenly found herself asking. "Do the things your mother say bother you?"
The thought had jumped into her head so quickly that she barely had time to register it before the words had come flooding out. That morning Sirius had received a Howler from his mother. This wasn't anything new or unusual; over their years at Hogwarts he had received numerous Howlers from his mother about how much of a disappointment he was. They had been more common during their first couple years of school, but it still wasn't strange for him to receive a few each school year. She could never remember him having much of a reaction to them – this morning being no different – but somehow looking at the boy who now sat before her she couldn't help but wonder if there was a reason he sat here by himself, smoking at two in the morning.
Sirius snorted at the questions. "Was it any good this morning?" he asked dryly, his head leaning back to rest up against the wall behind him. "Honestly, I can't help but tune out the old hag these days."
Lily wasn't sure how she was supposed to respond to that. His mother had said some pretty horrible things about him, but if he really hadn't been listening then Lily didn't think it would be a good idea to repeat those awful words. After all, she knew what it was like to have awful things said to you by someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally.
Sirius must have seen something change in her features, because now he was looking at her curiously. "Why do you ask?"
Lily shrugged. It was second nature for her to pretend that everything was fine. She had never been one to be one of those emotional teenaged girls who would whine and complain about how difficult their lives were.
"No, reason," she said stiffly as she turned away from him, avoiding his gaze. Her words came out a little too quickly, trying to mask the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm her. "I'm going back to bed. Do me a favor and don't fall out the window, okay?"
She took several steps back toward the stairs to the dormitories, fully intending on crawling back into bed, pulling the covers over her head and trying to forget about everything that was bothering her.
"Lily."
Just that was enough to get her to stop in her tracks. It wasn't just that it was the first time she could remember Sirius ever using her first name like that. There was something in his voice, a tone of understanding even though she hadn't thought she had really let on that anything was wrong.
"What?" Lily asked guardedly, carefully turning to look back at where Sirius sat.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
Lily did her best to look confused, though she wasn't quite sure if she was completely successful. "Why do you think something's wrong?"
Sirius leaned forward, looking at her carefully. "Trust me, I know that look," he said. He looked completely serious and Lily shifted uncomfortably, not quite sure what to make of this witnessing this unfamiliar side of her classmate. "Not to mention, I've been getting Howlers from my dear mother since my first day at Hogwarts and you've never once asked me about them."
Lily considered that for a moment. "You never made it seem like they meant anything to you."
Sirius' gaze darkened. "Which is why I can spot when somebody's putting on an act."
Lily openly gaped at the boy in front of her. This was a side of him she had never seen in all the years she had known him. Perhaps that was the reason she found herself retracing her steps, stopping just short of the window where Sirius sat.
"You never really answered my question," Lily pointed out, realizing how effortlessly he had avoided her direct questions earlier. He raised an eyebrow at her as if he didn't know what she was talking about. "Do the things your mother says about you ever bother you?"
Sirius stared at her for a solid minute, and Lily found that she couldn't read his expression. His features were blanked of any emotion, which was a little unnerving to witness.
"Sometimes," he finally said quietly. Then he took a long drag off of his cigarette, breathing in the smoke like most people breath in oxygen after surfacing from underwater.
Carefully, Lily perched on the edge windowsill next to him, keeping clear of the open window as much as she could. Then she reached down pulled out a folded and slightly crumpled piece of paper from the pocket of her dressing gown where she had shoved it earlier in the night before she had gone to bed.
"My sister sent me this letter," she said, looking down at the paper in her hands. "She must have been really angry, because usually she refuses to send letters by owl. She must have had our parents send it."
Sirius gave her a confused look. "Why does she hate sending letters by owl? Surely it has to be more efficient than having a Muggle deliver it by hand."
"Petunia hates anything that has to do with the magical world," Lily told him.
Sirius frowned at that, still clearly not quite understanding, but he also seemed to know that that wasn't what was actually bothering her tonight. "What did she say in the letter?" he asked.
Lily bit her bottom lip as she shrugged one shoulder. "I guess I left one of my old schoolbooks out at home and her boyfriend happened upon it. She's angry at me because she had to come up with a story about why there was a book on Potions in our sitting room." She gave a humorless laugh. "I suppose I should be grateful that she hates anything to do with Magic. Otherwise I bet she would find a way to send me Howlers that would rival your mother's." Lily was suddenly immensely grateful that her family's dirty laundry was not aired out in front of the entire school like Sirius' was on a regular basis.
"She's that bad?" Sirius asked with a start.
"She… she calls me a freak," Lily said quietly, her voice shaking with emotions that she couldn't even begin to identify. Then, to her horror, a tear streaked down her cheek. Annoyed, she brushed it away. "I know I shouldn't let it bother me."
"It's hard not to, though," Sirius finished. Lily looked up at him in surprise and found that he was looking out the window, a far off look in his eyes. "When someone's supposed to love and care for you unconditionally, it's hard to tell yourself that it's not anything you've done."
Lily nodded. "I always thought that she would get used to the idea," she went on. "I understand that she was confused and upset when I first got my Hogwarts letter, but I thought that over time she would learn to be okay with it. But she's only gotten worse. We used to be close, you know? And now we've never been more distant." She paused. And then she went on to admit something that she had never told anyone before, not even Severus. "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had refused the invitation to go to school here."
There was a minute of silence as Lily watched Sirius smoke his cigarette. Then, finally, he looked at her with a sympathetic expression. "I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had demanded that the Sorting Hat put me in Sytherin," he told her.
Lily gave a start at this. Sirius was always so hostile toward all Slytherins, it was hard to imagine him ever wanting to be one of them. "Really?" she couldn't help but ask.
Sirius nodded solemnly. "And while that would have made my family happy, I would have been miserable." He paused as he took a hit off his cigarette. Lily noticed how careful he was to blow the smoke out the window, being considerate not to let any drift in her direction. "Just like you would have been if you had never come to Hogwarts."
Lily mulled that over for a minute. "Did you ever used to get along with your family?" she asked carefully, unsure if she could really pry this much into his life. "Before you were Sorted into Gryffindor?"
Sirius looked over at her as if sizing her up. Then his gaze wandered back to the window, looking up at the night sky and the stars shining up overhead. "We used to tolerate each other," he said carefully. "Even when I was little I never really fit in with the rest of my family though. My parents aren't exactly… warm people. So it's not like I have any good memories with them even before Hogwarts."
Lily was treading completely new waters here. In all the years she had known him, she had never had a conversation with Sirius like this. Given that, she wasn't real sure how much she was allowed to question him on his home life. She opened her mouth to ask another question, but then closed it again. Then she took a deep breath, gathered her courage, and spoke.
"What about your brother?"
Judging by the way his entire body stiffened, Lily knew she had hit a nerve with that question. Part of her wanted to take it back, tell him that he didn't need to answer that. But another part of her desperately wanted to hear his perspective on the matter.
"Yeah, me and Reg used to get on while we were growing up," he finally admitted.
Lily had seen Sirius and Regulus interact on numerous occasions over the years. She never would have guessed that the two of them had ever gotten along. That thought made her stomach churn.
"Have you ever tried… to make things right with him?" she asked, studying him carefully. "Have you ever tried to repair your relationship?"
Sirius fiddled with the cigarette that was now not much more than the smoking filter. Finally, he nodded. "Back just before his first year, I tried to convince him to ask the Sorting Hat to put him in Gryffindor. He was too afraid to go against our parents though." He frowned as he shifted uncomfortably. "The more time that past the more he seemed like them. Now I just think he's too far gone for me to do anything about it."
"How do you deal with it?" Lily asked slowly, weary of what kind of answer she would get.
"I replaced my family with something better," he answered lightly, shifting his gaze to finally look at Lily again. There was a spark of life in his grey eyes. "Most days that's enough." He paused. As quickly as the spark came, though, it seemed to melt away. "Though some days are harder than others. And some days I give in to a vice or two."
The look in Sirius' eyes made him seem like he was miles away. He took one last, long drag of his cigarette, as if he were trying to breath in more than just smoke. He made a strange gesture, as if he were about to grasp the butt of the cigarette in his free hand but then jerked it away. He ground out the cigarette on the stone windowsill before casually flicking it out the window. Then he pulled a pack out of his pocket and with a flick of his wrist, popped another cigarette up before taking it in his teeth and pulling it from the box.
"Does… does that help?" Lily asked.
Sirius paused and then a mischievous smile crossed his lips. "Want to see for yourself?" he murmured around the stick he held in his teeth.
Instantly her mind went to every warning against smoking she had ever heard in her life. She could perfectly recall her parents lecturing her on how unhealthy smoking was and how it causes all kinds of horrific diseases like lung cancer and heart disease. Lectures about peer pressure and 'just say' no flitted through her mind.
What she found herself saying out loud was, "Yes."
Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise. Clearly he hadn't actually been expecting her to take him up on the offer. "Really?" he asked skeptically.
Lily shrugged. "Sure, why not?" she said. "We only live once, right?"
"That's the theory," Sirius said with a smile. He shifted his leg back in the window so that he was sitting solidly on the windowsill. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Muggle Zippo lighter. At this point, Lily knew she shouldn't be surprised by Sirius' use of Muggle things. "I'll light it for you. That's the hard part."
Lily watched carefully as he went to light the cigarette. As he did so, his sleeves fell back a bit. He didn't appear to notice this, but Lily suddenly felt her eyes drawn to his exposed skin. There were these strange small, circle marks along the inside of his left wrist. It took Lily a moment to realize what they were. They were burns. It took another moment for her to really put the pieces together as her eyes wandered back up to the stick he was lighting.
They were cigarette burns.
Lily felt her stomach churn as the reality of the situation finally hit her. Here sat Sirius Black, not the haughty, fun loving, mischievous classmate she thought she had known, but rather a painfully broken boy. He was down here by himself so no one could see him putting out his cigarettes on his own wrist.
"Here." It took Lily a moment before she realized that Sirius was holding the lit cigarette out toward her. "You okay?" he asked when she didn't move immediately.
Are you? she almost asked.
Instead, she reached out and very carefully took the cigarette between her pointer finger and thumb. She had felt so sure about this a minute ago, but now that she was actually holding the cigarette, she suddenly felt unsure.
"Don't be afraid," Sirius laughed lightly.
"I'm not afraid," Lily said automatically.
"Clearly," Sirius said with a smirk.
And just to wipe that smirk off his face, she brought the cigarette to her lips and inhaled deeply. She immediately regretted it. Suddenly she was coughing and sputtering in a very unladylike manner, gasping for breath.
"That's disgusting," Lily declared between gasps.
Sirius laughed, the first really sincere sound she had heard from him that night. "Take another hit. It gets easier."
Lily was skeptical, but she figured she didn't have anything to lose. Carefully, she put the stick back between her lips and inhaled, taking a smaller and slower hit this time. It didn't burn as much, but she still coughed a bit on the smoke.
"I'm impressed, Evans," Sirius said. "Who knew you were such a rebel?"
Lily smiled at that. "I suppose you can't judge a book by it's cover, can you Black?"
They passed the cigarette back and forth between them, each taking hits. Lily had to admit, as time passed she was feeling more at ease. Whether that was because of the tobacco or because of the surprisingly companionable company she had found in Sirius Black, she wasn't quite sure.
"You know, the things your mother says about you are simply not true," Lily pointed out as their cigarette was burning low to the filter.
"Why Evans, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me," Sirius said, chuckling and batting his eyes in an exaggerated manner.
Lily laughed as she reached out and gave him a playful shove. "I'm serious," she said. "Just because we're not exactly what our blood relations wanted us to be, does not make us terrible people. We are allowed to live the lives that make us happy."
Sirius smiled. "Well said," he agreed.
She paused, thinking about what she had seen on Sirius' wrist. When she spoke again, all laughter was gone from her tone. "You know, if you ever need to talk about your family, if it's one of those days when it's harder than the others… you can always talk to me. I get what it's like to be on the outs with family members."
Sirius looked a little surprised by the sentiment. For a moment, Lily was afraid that he would reject the offer outright. But then he gave her a small yet sincere smile.
"Thanks, Lily," he said. "And the same goes for you."
Just then, footsteps drew both of their attentions just then. They turned just in time to see a sleepy James Potter making his way down the stairs.
"Padfoot? You down here?" he called as he gazed around blearily through eyes that were only half open.
"Over here, Prongs," Sirius said.
James started to make his way over to where they sat, but stopped in his tracked as he got a good look at who was sitting in the window with his best friend. Suddenly his eyes were wide open as he looked back and forth between the two of them. Lily was grateful that the cigarette was now in Sirius' hands. She wasn't sure James would ever let her live it down if he caught her smoking.
"What's going on down here?" James asked slowly.
Sirius shrugged casually as he took one last, long drag. "Just catching up on the latest gossip."
James just stared for a moment, bewildered. "Well… it's three in the morning. On a school night. Perhaps you two could gossip another time?"
"Yes, mother," Sirius said sarcastically. He ground out the cigarette on the windowsill before flicking it out the window. As he stood up, Lily noticed the way that he tugged on his sleeve to make sure it securely covered his marred skin. "It's been lovely, Miss Evans."
"Indeed it has, Mr Black," Lily agreed with a smile.
This only caused James to look even more confused. Lily couldn't help but giggle at the look on his face. Sirius headed for the stairs, shoving his hands in his pockets and smirking.
"Careful, Prongs, or your face is going to stick like that," he said. And with that he disappeared up toward the dormitories.
James hesitated a minute longer, looking back and forth between where Lily still sat and where Sirius had just disappeared. Finally he seemed to regain control of his faculties and he followed Sirius' footsteps back up the stairs.
Lily sighed as she reached up and closed the window, carefully securing the latch. Her head was whirling from everything she had learned that night. She had found comfort in one of the most unlikely of places, and she had also had new insight into someone she had thought she had hated. She felt much more sympathetic toward Sirius Black, feeling as if she had a better understanding of why he felt the need to act out and also knowing the pain that he was trying to hide. His pain mirrored her own, but on a much larger scale. Lily still had the support of her parents, even if her sister hated her.
Lily sighed as she stood up, still deep in thought as she crossed the common room. It had been a strange night to say the least. But as she headed back up to her dormitory, she knew that she would finally be able to get some sleep.