A/N: I've got another oneshot in this... series, I guess. Whatever. So this is maybe worse than Finding Loss in Victory, but I don't think it's as bad as Rinse and Repeat. I still don't know where that came from. This is mostly just depressing, anyway. Enjoy.
Title: Loss of Life
Author: liketolaugh
Rating: T
Pairings: None
Genre: Tragedy
Warnings: Character death
Summary: A series of journal entries as the Order spirals into defeat.
Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.
November 23rd, 1897
If you're reading this… God, I hope you're not reading this. But if you are… I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, we failed, I'm sorry, we failed. We weren't good enough. We weren't good enough and the whole world is going to pay for it.
I've been writing this journal just in case. As a record. If we succeed, I'm going to burn it. If I die before that, I've asked Adam to. If we succeed, no one needs to know. No one wants to know. If I didn't have to, if there wasn't so much at stake… I wouldn't want to know either.
But… I don't think we're going to succeed. None of us finders do, the grunt workers. We don't think we're going to win, not the way... the way things have been going lately.
Only… none of us talk about it. If we talked about it, the exorcists – the elite, the people who can really make a difference, the only people who can really, actually, do anything – they might hear us.
And it's not fair to them. It's not fair to any of us, really, but it's especially not fair to them. They give everything for this. They still are, they always are, they give double what any of us normal people could possibly do, just in effort, but… it's not enough, it's nowhere near enough.
And sometimes, it feels like… can't they just try harder? They're the only ones, the only ones who can fight the akuma, and can't they just… but then we see one of them, and we see their eyes, and it's not fair to them, it's not, it's killing them.
It's killing all of us.
I'm sorry, this isn't very helpful, is it?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
November 25th, 1897
I'm sorry, the last entry wasn't very helpful, was it? If you're reading this… no, I'm not starting that again, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure… how much you know, you see. Do you know about akuma? About exorcists? About the Earl? I'm assuming not, I'm sorry if you know this already.
My name… isn't very important. But it's Andrea. I'm a finder for the Black Order, an organization founded a long time ago, to try and fight the akuma and to collect Innocence.
Where to start? There's so much… I guess I could start with the Noah. They came first, right? Or the akuma, they're the easiest to understand, and you've probably seen them before. Oh, why didn't I plan this out before?
Adam says I should start with the akuma – he's been thinking a lot clearer than I have lately, so I'll do as he says.
The akuma… oh, even the akuma are complicated, damn it. Akuma are machines, sort of, created when the Millenium Earl comes to a human and offers to bring a loved one back to life, and they accept. Then he binds their souls to a metal skeleton and they kill the human, taking their skin for themselves.
Does that make sense? No, that's a stupid question. None of this makes sense.
The Millenium Earl is the leader of the Noah, who I've mentioned. We used to think he was the only one, but we were wrong. There are more, a lot more. And they're all… well, one of them is dead. Another one is sharing a body with an exorcist. But I'm not sure we can beat them.
No, I promised I wouldn't do that again. I'm sorry. I'll control myself.
The Noah all have strange powers from Dark Matter. One of them can shapeshift into anything. Another can go through anything he likes – well, except for Innocence. And there's another who can make anything exist if they imagine it at the same time. Er, that one's really two, but they can combine into one.
Oh, I've made it sound hopeless, haven't I? Well, it is, really. Clearly, if you're reading this. But I haven't told you about Innocence yet. That's why I'm sorry.
Innocence… well, the Science Department says it's God Matter. To us, it's the only thing that can fight akuma, the only thing that damages them. And the only people who can wield it are the exorcists…
December 13th, 1897
Three teams of finders were wiped out today.
It's not important, really. I know that. I probably shouldn't even mention it. But three teams, that's… that's sixty people. One of them, Maria Rovera, she was my best friend. And it doesn't matter. None of that matters.
It doesn't matter that Maria was twenty years old, five years younger than me, when she was inducted. It doesn't matter that she was the one who helped me adjust, get used to the death and the horror and the fear. That she patched me up when I got hurt on a mission or that I did the same, or that she's the reason I didn't die on my third mission or that she's the one who introduced me to Adam. She's still dead and it still doesn't matter.
Well, one thing does matter. It was a Noah ambush. Two of them – the shapeshifter and the one who can go through things, I think – they attacked them. And an exorcist died.
That's the important thing, I suppose. An exorcist died. Noise Marie, his name was. I didn't know him, rarely even saw him, but Miranda, another exorcist, she's been crying for days. I wonder if she loved him. I saw them together a lot.
There aren't that many exorcists left anymore. I don't know all their names – if I did, I probably wouldn't be alive. Finders rarely survive close contact with the exorcists. Toma didn't. I know there are less than twenty, though, and most of them are just kids. It makes me sad. Well, sadder.
They say that it's Allen's fault, that he did it. Chaoji, another exorcist, he'll say it to whoever listens. He seems convinced. I don't know Allen very well, but I don't think he would do that. I thought he was nice, even if he ate a lot.
The only exorcist I really knew was Lavi, because Lavi talked to everybody. But Lavi's been gone nearly as long as Allen has. Some people say that he ran away, like Allen did, that he's working with the Noah. I don't think that's true, either, and I don't understand why people are so set against the exorcists. It's not their fault we're losing.
Most people say Lavi was captured. I think he was. Bookman's gone, too, but I didn't see him much anyway so that might be my imagination.
I don't have much time left. I need to go on a mission now. Adam'll pick up if I die. He promised.
December 29th, 1897
There's a new rumor. It's hopeful, for once. They say that some of the exorcists were sent to pick up an Innocence user last night. A lot of people don't believe it, but it's the first good news we've gotten in months and people are excited anyway. I want to believe it, except good things don't happen. Not really.
Still, it would be nice. For there to be another exorcist. Not for them, but for us. Another exorcist is another chance at hope.
I hope the rumors are true. I hope they find them.
December 31st, 1897
Andrea's upset, but she asked me to write this for her. I can't turn her down when she's like this, things are bad enough. I don't know what to do to make it better. I can't, really. I'm fooling myself if I think I can.
I'm Adam. I talked to one of the scientists and the rumors were true. There was a new Innocence user. It doesn't matter, though. The Noah got to them first and they're dead now. That's part of why Andrea's upset, see.
The exorcists came back hurt and depressed. They were so hopeful, too. They were smiling again, first time in months. But they're still all alone. It's still just them against all the Noah and all the akuma. I'm glad I'm not them.
One of them died. That's the rest of it. His name was Timothy and he was just a little kid and now he's dead. I didn't even know there were exorcists that young. It doesn't sit right with me, but I guess there's nothing we can do about it. He's probably the only one, anyway. I hope so.
Andrea's calmed down a little. I'm going to go talk to her.
January 3rd, 1898
It's Andrea again. Lavi escaped. It turns out that he was being held by the Noah, like a lot of us thought.
He's different now. He's quieter. I don't know what they did to him, but I hear Bookman died while they were getting out. Held the Noah off and told Lavi to run. I think he has more of a heart than he let on. Lavi seems very sad, though. I wonder how long he knew Bookman. It must have been a long time; they argued a lot, but it was obvious that they were close.
He smiles just as often, but they're even more fake than they were before. He jokes, but it's hollow. I avoid him now. It hurts to listen to him.
But a lot of the exorcists were really relieved to see him. Except Chaoji – Adam told me he asked Lavi if he'd seen Allen while he was there, and Lavi hit him and stormed off. It seems very unlike Lavi, but I don't know him that well. I couldn't blame him, anyway. Lavi and Allen were definitely good friends. If someone said something like that about Maria… well, I guess Maria wouldn't care. Maria was always better at ignoring other people's opinons of her, but I probably would have defended her anyway.
I'd have thought things were better now that one of the exorcists is back, but that's wrong. It's just as bad. I guess nothing will make it better now.
We all know we're losing.
February 27th, 1898
There was an attack on Headquarters last week. I would have written sooner, but we've needed everyone to come and help treat the wounded. There are a lot of them, but there are more dead.
Adam's one of them. Adam's dead. He's dead. An akuma shot him full of bullets and he was dust, he fell all over me. I think I still have some in my clothes. He looked at me when they hit, I saw his face crack and I wish I hadn't, because his expression was the worst I'd ever seen. He smiled and I've never seen a smile so awful.
Most people are dead. There are fewer than a hundred finders now. Less than fifty scientists. Who knows how many support staff. Not a lot.
I don't even hate it anymore. I'm not scared. I'm just numb. We're doomed. It's not a fear. It's a fact. We've damned ourselves and we've damned the world because we're just not good enough and the world isn't fair, not to us.
There were five Noah. Six, whatever. The dream one, the intangible one, the body manipulator, the mind one, and the twins. They brought an army of akuma and decimated us. We barely drove them off, and three of the Generals are dead. Nyne, Tiedoll, and Zokalo. I didn't think anything could kill Zokalo.
Everyone can die. I should have known that, being a part of the Order. I guess not.
I do now.
I almost died, too. One of them, the dream Noah, she looked right at me and smiled. She had gold eyes. No one ever mentioned that the Noah had gold eyes. Grey skin and gold eyes. And something whizzed past my ear and it nicked it, and she winked and then she was gone. If it had been an akuma bullet, I would've been dead.
It's over. Or it feels over. Maybe it's just over for me.
I'm sorry.
May 5th, 1898
Allen's back. That's a good thing. Allen's been gone a long time. He looks pale and sick, but he and Kanda and Link, a Crow, are all back. They're all powerful people, for all the good it'll do.
There was another attack on Headquarters. It turns out that the Noah had a parasite inside Chaoji, so actually he's the spy. Well, was. He's dead now.
I said the Order was decimated before, but now there's only seven scientists, sixteen finders, five exorcists, three nurses, Link, and Chief Komui.
We all would have died, except Allen showed up and saved us. He's good at that, saving people. It's a shame he was gone. Maybe he could have saved Adam. He evacuated us from Headquarters and we're all in a cave now, all together. No one's really talking. Even the exorcists know we're doomed now.
I found out the exorcists' names. They're Allen, Lenalee, Kanda, Lavi, and Miranda. All the others are dead. They all seem very unhappy. I can't blame them. They gave so much.
So did Adam. So did I. We all did. It used to hurt, to give so much and get nothing at all. I guess it was inevitable. We were always going to lose.
I talked to Lenalee. Well, she talked to me, really. I mostly listened, but she saw me writing and asked what I was doing. She seemed very interested. She got this thoughtful look. I guess she wants to leave a legacy, too.
She told me why she fought so hard. She has nothing left except her friends. Her friends are her whole world.
She promised she'd pick this up someday. She knows as well as I do that I'll die soon. We all will. I'm okay with that, I think.
I know that I could do worse than to leave this. But I'd rather have saved the world.
I'll have to settle for recording how it ended.
May 29th, 1898
Andrea's dead. We were attacked again and we've split up. Most people died; we couldn't save them. We could barely save ourselves.
My name's Lenalee and I'm an exorcist. I talked to Andrea – I think she mentioned that. What she's doing, it's a good thing. I want to continue it. I don't want to leave it unfinished, not like it would be if I left it alone. I just… I need to write down how it ended. I want people to know.
I'm with Allen, Kanda, Lavi, Miranda, Krory, Link, Johnny, Reever, and Komui right now. I don't know where everyone else went, but I think at least a few of them survived. It doesn't matter. All of my loved ones are with me, and that's what matters. That's what matters to me. I guess I'm just selfish.
I don't care. I don't care that it's selfish. We're all going to die, I know we're all going to die, so I want to spend as much time with them as possible. We can't save the world and I'm not going to try. I'm tired of fighting a hopeless battle. I'm tired of it.
Now I'm fighting for my friends.
I guess I don't know how to do anything but fight. I just wish I could win for once.
June 6th, 1898
We've been running lately, all of us. There's no choice; they won't leave us alone. Every time they attack, one of us gets hurt, and I think they're just toying with us now. They're playing. It's mostly Tyki and Road; they've always liked playing with us. I hate them.
But we won't give up. Allen and Kanda don't know how to give up, and Miranda, Lavi, Krory, Link, and I just go along with it because it makes them feel a little better. They know we'll lose as well as we do, but they just keep going. I wish I knew how they do it. They make it look so easy.
We managed to ambush some of the Noah. It's our first triumph in a long time, if you can call it that – we killed Sheryll, the Noah that can alter people's bodies, but Johnny, Krory, and Miranda are all dead.
I can't even mourn for them. It hurts too much. Like when you're so hot you're cold. It hurts so much I'm numb. I've felt this before, but it's never been so bad. Komui stays with me, but he doesn't know how to make it better. He just holds me. It used to help, but it feels hollow now. I let him, though. I think it makes him feel a little better, like he's keeping me safe. It's a nice illusion.
Allen's been different lately. Quieter. Still determined – I don't think Allen can be anything else – but he seems tense and restrained. But most of us have changed. Maybe it's nothing.
June 10th, 1898
Komui's dead. It all feels pointless now. I couldn't protect him. He bled out, I was soaked in blood and he just smiled at me and it looked like it hurt, but I think he thought I needed it more than he did. Stupid brother, I don't need it anymore. I don't deserve it. I couldn't protect my brother. How will I protect my friends? Why am I even still trying? Why am I still here?
June 22nd, 1898
This is Lavi. I picked this up and read it and I do this all the time, as Bookman. It'd be a shame to leave it unfinished, I guess. It seems to have meant a lot to Lenalee, and she seemed like she felt better after she wrote in it. That's something we all need, honestly, but you only need one account.
Lenalee's gone, but she's not dead yet. She was captured and I'm kind of worried about her, for all the good it does. Allen and Kanda are over in the corner. They're probably plotting a way to save her. They really don't know how to give up. They're just making it harder on themselves, honestly.
Lenalee didn't mention it in the last entry, but Reever died when Komui did. I guess, Lenalee being how she is, Komui's death kind of overshadows everything else.
Link's out getting food. I think he knows we're not really going to take care of ourselves, not even Kanda and Allen. We've never been very good at that. It's just not an exorcist's job to take care of themselves.
I was right. They've come up with a way to save her. She can't really be saved, not anymore, but I'll humor them. They can pretend all they like.
June 24th, 1898
It's Lenalee again. I'm back now. Lavi's dead. Link's dead. Allen's badly hurt, too.
We haven't been able to venture out for days. I think they're out there, waiting for us. They could come in if they wanted to, but they won't. We amuse them.
We haven't been able to go out for food. We're running out of rations. Allen's weakening fast, because of his injury and the lack of food. He keeps flashing grey. I'll give him my share. I don't need it anyway.
September 1st, 1898
My name is Allen Walker. I'm Mana Walker's son. I'm an exorcist. My name is Allen Walker.
Not really. That's the name Mana gave me when he adopted me. I don't really have a name. But holding onto that fake name gives me a hold against it.
Not really. I'm losing, I know I am. I may as well give up.
No! I don't give up!I'm Mana Walker's son! I have to keep walking, I have to, I promised, I'm sorry, I promised, I have to keep walking, no matter what.
But it's hard. My memories are fading. I'm Mana Walker's son. I'm an exorcist. I used to be called Red, but Mana saved me.
But I'm also Mana's brother. I'm a Noah and I tried to kill the Millenium Earl, and I died trying to do that. But that wasn't me. That was Neah.
I can't make it much longer. Neah's eating me alive. He's absorbing me. It took me a long time to notice, but it's true. I need to leave. I need to leave and not come back, so that I don't kill Kanda. It's just me and him now. Soon it'll just be him.
I'm sorry, Mana.
Fuck-if-I-know, 1898-ish
It's over.
It's over and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I'm the only exorcist left and they've captured me. I'm in a dungeon somewhere, fuck if I know where. Doesn't matter anyway. I don't know what they're gonna do to me, but I sure as hell won't be going anywhere anytime soon, I know that much.
I don't know why the finder girl and Lenalee and Lavi and Allen thought this was important, but I may as well finish it. Means fuck-all anyway, here in the dungeon. I'm the only one here, except a couple bodies.
They're all dead. Allen wandered off to go change into a Noah for good, idiot beansprout thought I wouldn't notice. He's with them now and he's dead, it's fucking obvious. That's all Neah in there. Or it was 'til I killed him. I could do that much for the stupid beansprout.
Doesn't matter anyway. They're coming for me, I can hear them coming down and they're talking. Can't really hear what they're saying, but I've got this feeling. This is the end of the line for me.
This is the end of the line for everyone.
We couldn't do it. It's over.
I hear a clanking. Road's giggling. Tyki's chuckling, too.
I don't think it'll be over for me for a long time.
Yes. It ended like that. It's very vague, I know, sorry. Please review!
By the way, all the bold in Allen's entry is Neah's handwriting.