Clarke doesn't want to be cynical. She's not one of those dickheads who thinks they're cool because they don't believe in anything. No, she genuinely, desperately, wants to believe in something. It's just hard.
It's hard when she's been single for almost three years, her last relationship ending in a spectacular display of burning flames, only to leave her heart a charred mess. It's hard when every date she's been on since then has only made her bitterer, wishing she could go back to before, when she didn't know that every spark would fizzle out, that first date magic would soon turn to dust. Even her parents, who she'd thought were so in love, couldn't make it work, and it just seems like every relationship is doomed to fail.
But she really does want to believe in love.
You wouldn't know it if you spoke to her on this particular night, however. She's at a bar, the one she and her friends frequent, not because she actually wants to be there, but because that's what you do on a Saturday night apparently. The friends who dragged her out are already regretting their decision as Clarke is determined to not crack a smile all night, just to let them know she'd much rather be at home in bed watching Netflix, and that it's their fault she's in such a bad mood.
Plus, one of Raven's ploys to get Clarke to come along was that she'd pay for all her drinks for the night, and Clarke plans to take advantage of that, so she seats herself at the bar, with the intent of staying on the barstool all night, drinking twice her weight in booze until she either dies from alcohol poisoning or Raven tells her its time to go home.
"Would you lighten up?" Raven huffs. "Why don't you try and hook up tonight? There are plenty of hot girls here."
"Rude of you to presume I'd hook up with a girl," Clarke sniffs.
"You told me last week you hate men," Raven reminds her.
"Well, I hate women too."
"I don't get why you're being so grumpy lately," Raven says exasperatedly. Clarke just pouts. She doesn't particularly feel like going into details about how she's feeling at the moment. It's not that she's trying to be grumpy. It's just that her love life is a vast and empty void and she's going to die alone.
It doesn't help that all her friends are in loving, committed relationships. Raven and Wells are engaged, Monty just moved in with his boyfriend, Miller, and Jasper is a week away from celebrating his one year anniversary with Maya.
And Clarke is fine with being alone, she really is. But she doesn't want to be alone forever.
"I just need alcohol," Clarke says. That will do the trick. Raven gets the hint and buys her a drink.
"Come and sit at a table with us," Raven says, once the drink is in Clarke's hand, and Clarke sighs, resigned, and follows Raven outside to where the others have claimed a table.
It's dark out, the air warm and comfortable and as Clarke takes a sip from her beer, she thinks for the first time that night that maybe this is exactly what she needs. A night out with her friends, a drink to take the edge off and a drag on the cigarette Monty is holding to her lips.
She almost feels alright for an half an hour or so, but then the alcohol doesn't work like it used to, and somehow she's more aware than ever that she's alone, while they all have someone.
The casual touch of Wells' hand on Raven's shoulder. The way Jasper finds any opportunity to bring up Maya. How Monty checks his phone every two minutes. How none of them use the word I anymore. It's always we or us.
And Clarke hates herself for it, but she can't help but wonder how long it will last. Which one of them will break up first? Which person is going to cheat, or wake up and realise they aren't in love anymore? When will the bad times overshadow the good, or the fights just become too frequent?
"I need another drink," Clarke declares, downing the remainder of her first one. "Anyone else?"
"We're good," Raven tells her.
"If Bellamy serves you tell him Miller and I are having drinks at our place next weekend and he's invited," Monty says. Clarke nods, biting back the urge to say, tell him yourself.
She makes her way back inside, towards the bar. It's more crowded now and she has to wait to be served. She leans against the bar, glancing to her left when someone beside her nudges her accidentally. She can't help but scowl and roll her eyes when she sees a couple making out enthusiastically, seemingly oblivious to the rest of the world, unaware that their fragile little bubble could burst at any moment.
"You'd think they'd have the decency to not rub it in our faces," a deep voice startles her and she turns to see Bellamy Blake grinning at her.
She knows him distantly, he works at the bar which they come to every other weekend, and he's the friend of a friend, but they aren't really friends themselves.
"I couldn't care less about that," Clarke snorts.
"Oh? Then what was the exaggerated eye roll for?" Bellamy raises an eyebrow.
"They think they're in love. But trust me they aren't."
"You know them?"
"I don't have to," Clarke shrugs.
"Wow, a cynic," Bellamy chuckles. "We don't get many of those in here," he says sarcastically.
"Oh shut up," Clarke huffs, but there's no heat in her words.
"Rough night?" Bellamy asks.
"You don't have to do the whole bartender therapist thing with me," Clarke says wryly. Bellamy shrugs.
"You look like you could use someone to talk to," he says.
"I could use a drink," Clarke says pointedly and Bellamy laughs. He has a nice laugh. She likes the way his eyes crinkle and he kind of ducks his head, like he's embarrassed to have been caught laughing.
"That too," he nods. "What can I get you?" Clarke is about to give him her drink order when the couple beside her bump into her again, and the guy, who has his back to her, turns to her and grins sheepishly.
"Sorry," he says. "We just got engaged."
"Congratulations," Clarke forces a smile, and she doesn't feel disgusted or annoyed anymore, just… empty. She glances back at Bellamy.
"You know what?" she sighs. "I think I'm just gonna go home. I'm getting too old for this," she tries to joke, but her words fall flat, sounding lame even to her own ears. Bellamy nods. He looks like he's on the verge of saying something for a second, some piece of sage advice or insight, but instead he just nods again.
"Have a… night," he says, obviously guessing that Clarke wouldn't be having a nice night, no matter what he said. Clarke gives him half a smile.
"By the way, Monty said to tell you you're invited to drinks at his place next weekend," she remembers as she's about to go.
"Okay, thanks," Bellamy says and Clarke nods at him before turning to leave, not bothering to tell her friends she's going.
She hasn't exactly been looking forward to Monty and Miller's housewarming, which is what it is, even if they're just calling it "drinks". She hasn't been dreading it either though, so she goes along, bringing a bottle of wine as a gift and one for herself to drink, prepared to have a good time.
It's a laid back kind of affair, but Monty and Miller have a lot of friends, so their new apartment is kind of packed, even when she gets there only half an hour late. She finds Monty in the kitchen, congratulates him and gives him the slightly more expensive bottle of wine. All wine tastes the same to her anyway.
She accepts Monty's offer of a wine glass, fills it almost to the brim and goes to find someone to talk to.
She only knows about half the people at the party, maybe less, and despite her earlier resolution to have a good time, she finds she can't be bothered making small talk with strangers. It's not like she doesn't try, but after one woman talks her ear off about her stamp collection, and two different guys hit on her, she decides she's had enough.
"Is it too early to go home?" Clarke asks Raven.
"Yes," Raven tells her matter-of-factly. "You've only been here an hour."
"I've been hit on twice already," Clarke groans.
"So? What's the problem? You're single, and the people here are all friends with Monty and Miller, so they must be alright," Raven shrugs.
"Yeah, but…" Clarke trails off. She doesn't quite know how to tell her engaged best friend that she can't be bothered getting to know someone when she knows it's just going to end badly. It's too much effort for too much pain.
"But what?" Raven prompts.
"But they were ugly," Clarke finishes, which isn't even a complete lie.
"Beggars can't be choosers," Raven tuts and Clarke does her best to hide her eye roll. "I'm going to find you someone," Raven decides. "Wait here."
She doesn't give Clarke a chance to respond before she disappears. But Clarke isn't really interested in being set up with a random friend of a friend, so she decides she has to escape. She could just leave, but she doesn't really want to ditch just yet, she should stay a few more hours. She just needs to avoid Raven for half an hour or so. So she just kind of sneaks down the hall, opening a random door to find herself in what is obviously the master bedroom. She figures she can find a few minutes of peace in here.
Clarke shuts the door behind her, kicking off her shoes as she makes her way to the bed, lying flat on her back in the middle of the mattress, and closing her eyes.
She's only in there for a few minutes when she hears the door open and somebody walk in. She assumes it's Raven for a moment, ready to scold her for avoiding the party. But it isn't Raven's voice that makes her open her eyes.
"Sorry, I didn't realise anyone was in here," Bellamy says, and Clarke sits up. She can see he has a book in his hand and she wonders if he's also trying to avoid being set up. "I'll go."
"You can stay if you promise to be quiet," Clarke tells him. Bellamy smiles and holds up his book to show her that being quiet was his very intention. Clarke scoots over and pats the bed beside her, and Bellamy kind of saunters over, although Clarke doesn't think he means to saunter. That's just how he walks.
He sinks down onto the bed beside her, and he glances at her, making her aware she's been watching him the whole time. He grins as she flushes, and she quickly looks away, lying back down and closing her eyes. When she cracks one open again to look at him, he's wearing glasses and reading his book. It's a good look.
"Who are you hiding from?" she asks.
"I thought we were being quiet," Bellamy reminds her, not looking away from his book.
"Sorry," Clarke whispers, closing her eyes again. The silence isn't long before Bellamy speaks again.
"I'm hiding from Miller. He's trying to set me up."
"Me too," Clarke says, readjusting to face him, propping herself up on her elbow. "I mean, Raven is trying to set me up."
"It's the worst, right?" Bellamy says, closing his book to look at her. "Miller thinks that just because he's in a happy relationship he knows everything about love. I'd rather meet someone organically." Clarke scoffs and Bellamy frowns. "What?"
"Sorry," she says. "Just, either way, relationships are overrated."
"Why do you say that?"
"Things never work out."
"You really are a cynic," Bellamy says, almost amused.
"I'm not," Clarke says defensively.
"Oh really? Do you or do you not believe that all relationships are destined to end badly?" Bellamy says teasingly.
"Well…" Clarke starts, stalling. "Maybe I do. So what?"
"Hey, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I get it," Bellamy shrugs. "I've had my share of bad relationships. But you know, just because it hasn't worked out yet doesn't mean it never will."
"I know that," Clarke sighs. "I mean I know that it can work out. But I guess I'm just tired of getting my heart broken. And lately I feel like none of it's worth it. If the universe could just send me a sign, let me know that love actually lasts, then maybe…" she trails off, not sure how to finish.
"You know what I do when I feel like that? I just go for a drive. Not anywhere in particular. Kind of just drive out of the city, a few hours, just to clear my mind."
"And that really works?"
"Yeah, usually," Bellamy tells her. "It's therapeutic."
"Maybe I'll try it sometime," Clarke muses.
"Let me know if it works," Bellamy grins. "Now if you don't mind, I have to get back to my book."
"I can't believe you brought a book to a party," Clarke laughs, and it comes out all bubbly and light. "You're a giant dork."
"Wow," Bellamy says, but he looks more amused than offended, so Clarke knows it's okay to tease him. "I'll have you know I only get one Saturday night off a month and normally I like to spend it at home alone with a book and my cat."
"You have a cat?"
"Its name is Snapdragon."
"Seriously?" Clarke snorts. "Why?"
"Are you going to let me read my book or what?"
"Read it out loud."
Raven gives Clarke shit for a week after she finds her asleep on Monty and Miller's bed next to Bellamy.
"You guys looked like an old married couple," Raven teases. "But like a really hot married couple. Not as hot as me and Wells. But hot still."
"You and Wells aren't married yet," Clarke points out.
"Neither are you and Bellamy. But you could be-," Raven prods.
"Stop it," Clarke snaps, cutting her off. "Nothing happened. And nothing's going to."
"Why not?" Raven whines. "You have to admit he's hot. And he was reading out loud to you. At a party where you both snuck off to hide from your friends."
"Are you trying to tell me this is destiny?"
"I'm trying to tell you that if you don't give it a shot once in a while you're going to die alone."
"Thanks," Clarke huffs.
"You need some tough love."
"I'm going for a drive."
She takes Bellamy's advice and just drives, nowhere in mind, but she's out of the city and then she's in the middle of nowhere and it's been a few hours but she doesn't feel any different. No epiphany, no sign from the universe. Not even just a small change of heart. So she heads back home, feeling defeated.
She's not really sure what she's doing when she goes to the bar the following Saturday night. Except she knows that Bellamy will be working, and she feels the need to inform him that his idea hadn't worked, and that she's as sceptical of relationships as ever.
He actually looks pleased to see her, which is nice. She wonders if they're actually friends now.
"Clarke," he beams when she approaches the bar. "What can I get for you?" She supposes it's weird if she tells him she just came to talk to him, so she orders whatever's on tap and sits at one of the bar stools.
"I have to tell you that your advice didn't work," she says once he sets her drink on the counter and she hands over some cash.
"My advice?"
"About the drive," she says, a little self consciously. She's been thinking about their chat on the bed all week and he doesn't even remember. It's a little embarrassing.
"Oh, right," Bellamy nods. "Sorry it didn't work. Maybe you need something stronger."
"I already tried alcohol, remember?" she raises an eyebrow.
"Right," Bellamy laughs and Clarke feels weirdly pleased that he's laughing, even though she isn't even really being that funny. "But not really what I meant."
"I'll get back to you on that," he says. "I have to keep working."
"Okay, well I guess I'll see you next time then," Clarke says.
"You aren't staying?" She wonders if she imagines his disappointment.
"No, I— I really only came to tell you that," she admits.
"You did?" he asks. Clarke nods. "Okay," Bellamy smiles, almost to himself, like he knows a secret he doesn't want to share just yet. "See you next time then."
Clarke would be lying if she said she didn't think about him after that. After all, she never did get to find out what his next brilliant idea was to get her to believe in love again. And maybe she's also thinking about him for other reasons, like his glasses and his laugh and his arms.
Still, it's not like she's going to admit that to Raven.
"Have you seen Bellamy again?" her housemate asks her one weeknight after work.
"Who?" Clarke plays dumb.
"Don't be like that."
"I don't know why you'd even ask," Clarke says nonchalantly. "Like I said, nothing is going to happen."
"Apparently he was asking Monty about you," Raven sits beside her on the couch, and Clarke doesn't look at her but she can feel Raven studying her reaction. She keeps her face carefully blank.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah. What kind of music you like. That kind of thing," Raven says, pretending like its no big deal, but Clarke knows she wants to gush about how perfect they'd be together. "So have you seen him?"
"If you must know, I went to the bar last Saturday and he happened to be working," Clarke finally relents. She swears Raven almost squeals in excitement. "Would you relax? Like I said, nothing's going to happen.
"Are you doing reverse psychology with the universe?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Like if you say nothing will happen then maybe it will," Raven explains.
"Nothing's going to happen," Clarke says firmly.
"You keep telling yourself that."
It's on Saturday afternoon that Clarke runs into Bellamy again, this time not at the bar, and also not on purpose.
It's at McDonald's of all places, the one closest to her house, because Clarke really feels the need for a snack, and Bellamy just happens to be there also.
"Hey," she smiles when she sees him. It's a smile she can't help, but his returning smile distracts her from the fact, although it does nothing to calm the butterflies in her stomach.
"Hey," he agrees. "What's up?"
"Just getting a snack," she tells him. "You?"
"Me too. I start work at five and this is clearly the healthiest option," he jokes. "Hey, I have something for you," he says before opening his satchel. Clarke finds it endearing that he carries a satchel. He rummages around for a second or two before pulling out a CD case, presumably with a CD inside.
"What's this?" she asks as he hands it to her.
"Just, um. A collection of songs," he shrugs, looking maybe a little embarrassed. "I said I'd get back to you with my next idea of how to not be so cynical."
"You made me a mixtape?" Clarke says incredulously.
"It's a CD," Bellamy corrects.
"Still," Clarke says, trying not to laugh too much. It's sweet and he's obviously self conscious about the whole thing. "You couldn't have just made me a playlist on Spotify or something?"
"Look, I'm no tech wizard," Bellamy huffs. But he managed to burn her a CD. She grins at him.
"Were you carrying this around in the hopes you'd run into me?" she teases.
"I was bringing it to work. I was going to give it to you the next time I saw you there," he explains. "That's less, desperate, right?"
"Right," Clarke nods, her smile suddenly dropping from her face. "Well. Thanks. I should go."
"Oh, okay. See you around, I guess?" he says uncertainly.
"Yeah," Clarke says shortly, before fleeing.
She feels bad, she really does. But she'd suddenly realised where it was heading, how she was feeling, what he wanted from her. And she knows she can't let whatever little flirtation they have going on get any further, because then she'll do something dumb like fall in love with him or something, and then he'll break her heart, or she'll break his and she'll be right back where she started. No, better to just nip it in the bud right now.
She heads back to her apartment, CD in hand, feeling kind of sad and unsure. But sad and unsure is better than devastated and heartbroken, right?
"Did you get me anything?" Raven asks as soon as Clarke walks in the door, and it only takes her a second to notice Clarke's hands are nugget-less. "I thought you were going to McDonalds. But instead you got… a CD?" Raven snatches the gift from Clarke's hand. "It has your name on it."
"Yeah," Clarke agrees. "It was a present."
"From who?" Raven screws up her nose in confusion.
"It doesn't matter," Clarke shrugs. "I'm not going to listen to it."
"Oh my god, it's from Bellamy isn't it?" Raven says excitedly. "That's why he was asking Monty about what music you like. What a dork. Why aren't you going to listen to it?"
"Because, Raven," Clarke snaps. "I don't want to. I don't want to listen to the CD and I don't want to date him and I don't want to let myself go and fall in love with him when I know it won't work out!"
"How do you know that?" Raven says forcefully.
"Because it never does!"
"For you, you mean," Raven says softly, almost warningly.
"For everyone," Clarke declares and Raven purses her lips.
"Nice to know what you really think," Raven laughs shortly. "Don't come crying to me when he finds someone else and you realise you should've taken the chance. Here." She shoves the CD against Clarke's chest, who quickly grabs it before Raven stalks off to her room. Clarke scowls and heads to her own room. She throws herself onto her bed and picks up a book, but her thoughts are too restless to read it properly.
Raven has no right to be mad at her. It's just her opinion after all. Who knows, maybe Raven and Wells will be the exception and live happily ever after, though Clarke highly doubts it. And why does Raven care about Clarke's love life so much anyway? It's none of her business who Clarke does or doesn't want to date. And if Bellamy decides to go and date someone else then Clarke is fine with it.
Except she knows it's not a matter of if but a matter of when and if she's being honest, she doesn't really like the idea of him dating someone else. Which is selfish, she knows. She can't stop him. She has no right to feel that way, when she doesn't want to date him. Except that she kind of does want to date him. She just isn't sure there's any point.
There's a light knock on her bedroom door and Clarke doesn't respond, but Raven pokes her head in anyway.
"Hey," she says.
"Hey," Clarke responds.
"Sorry I yelled. Can I come in?"
"Sure," Clarke shrugs. Raven walks into the room and sits on the bed beside Clarke.
"I know you don't mean that Wells and I won't work out. And even if you do think that, I know it's not true. But I don't want to see you unhappy for the rest of your life because you're scared of getting your heart broken. I mean, is that really worse than how you feel now?" Raven gives her a knowing look and Clarke shrugs again. "Just listen to the CD, Clarke. Can it really hurt?"
Clarke doesn't respond, so Raven gets up off the bed and leaves the room without another word. Clarke sighs and picks up the CD from where she'd dropped it on the nightstand. She opens her laptop and inserts the CD, then closes her eyes as she waits for it to play. And she can't help but laugh to herself when Wonderwall starts playing. She tries her best not to sing along but by the second chorus she's given in, and as the CD goes on she figures out that it's just a bunch of love songs, and some of them are great and some of them are lame, but they're all so positive. And suddenly she's remembering what it was like before the heartbreak, and how good it felt to be in love. Of course she's thinking of Bellamy the whole time, which maybe is dumb. But she can feel this lightness in her chest which she doesn't think she's felt in a long time, and as the last notes of Love Story play, the last song on the disc, she wonders if maybe Bellamy's stupid CD actually worked.
Or maybe it was a combination of the songs, and Raven's words, and the longing she feels for him. Either way, she decides she can't stay in the apartment any longer.
"Raven! I'm going out!" she calls as she grabs a jacket and her keys.
"Good for you!" Raven calls back, and a second later Clarke is out the door, making her way to the bar.
"Is Bellamy here?" she asks the woman behind the bar, not spotting him when she walks in.
"He's on break," the woman tells her, gesturing towards the staff only door. "Are you Clarke by any chance?"
"Yeah, why?"
"The guy won't shut up about you. You can go and see him if you want," she says and Clarke thanks her before pushing through the door and wandering down a hallway until she finds the staff room.
"Clarke?" Bellamy says in confusion as soon as she walks in the door. "What are you doing here?" he asks, standing up cautiously.
"I, uh… wanted to thank you. For the CD," Clarke says, walking over to him.
"Oh. No problem," he nods. He watches her carefully, like he's still not quite sure why she's there. Like he's not sure how to act around her.
"I'm sorry for being weird today. You gave me the CD and you were flirting with me and I got scared," she admits.
"It's okay if you just want to be friends," Bellamy shrugs.
"I don't," Clarke says quickly.
"You don't want to be friends?"
"No, I want-," she pauses. "I really want to kiss you." Bellamy's breaks out into a huge grin.
"Okay," he says, and even though he's explicitly given her permission to kiss him, she still feels nervous as she takes his face in her hands and brings her lips to his, just softly brushing against them at first, but then his arms wind around her waist and pull her closer and she can't resist deepening the kiss. His mouth is hot on hers and if she could think straight she'd probably wonder why she waited so long to do this. But her brain is all fuzzy, so all can really think about is how good it feels, and she can't help but feel disappointed when he pulls away.
"So the CD worked, huh?" he teases.
"I guess you could say that," Clarke smiles wryly.
"I'd love to stay and continue this, but I have to get back to work," he says reluctantly.
"Okay," Clarke agrees, leaning in for another kiss, slowly exploring his mouth with her tongue until he moans and then she pulls away. "Something to think about while you're at work," she winks, pushing him out the door. He just shakes his head at her, smiling idiotically as he heads back out to the bar. And his smile is enough to make her heart sing a love song of its own.