DWARVES OF OUR LIVES: A HOBBIT'S SOAP OPERA
Prelude
The Prancing Pony, Bree, Arnor, in a Parallel Universe Middle Earth.
Thorin Oakenshield was never a dwarf to stand on ceremony, or to waste an opportunity when it presented itself.
And so it was that when he saw the wizard at the Prancing Pony, he decided to speak to Gandalf the Grey.
Immediately.
"'Master Gandalf, I know you only by sight, but now I should be glad to speak with you. For you have often come into my thoughts of late, as if I were bidden to seek you. Indeed I should have done so, if I had known where to find you."
Gandalf looked at him with wonder.
"That is strange, Thorin Oakenshield." he said.
"For I have thought of you also; and though I am on my way to the Shire, it was in my mind that is the way also to your halls."
"Call them so, if you will." said Thorin.
"They are only poor lodgings in exile. But you would be welcome there, if you would come. For they say that you are wise and know more than any other of what goes on in the world; and I have much on my mind and would be glad of your counsel."
"I will come,' said Gandalf; 'for I guess that we share one trouble at least. The Dragon of Erebor is on my mind, and I do not think that he will be forgotten by the grandson of Thrór."
"I never forget, Gandalf. And I never forgive."
"That is one of the defining characteristics of Dwarves. And also of Tooks. I see that your nephew, Fili is in your company, but that his brother, Kili, is not. That is a strange thing."
"Kili is in the Shire. He has a woman there, and he is very serious about her, for a boy his age. He has gone to stop her from marrying an Elf. Which would be a terrible fate, for any woman, of any race."
"That is quite a coincidence, for I had been invited to the Shire, to attend the wedding of Belladonna Baggins to an Elf named Coruadan. It was an ill-starred union, for the brides' mother, Belldonna Took refused to attend and so did the entire clan of Tooks. However, the groom has deserted his bride to be, and robbed her. Though it is good that Miss Baggins did not marry such a bounder, it is rather less good that she has gotten rid of him in such a painful and embarrassing way."
Gandalf was surprised that Thorin became agitated.
"And I am to bear another insult from these bastard Elves, in silence! Before I kill a dragon I will kill an Elf, and take his head! Fili, finish your pint, for we have war to make!"
"But how are you insulted, Thorin Oakenshield?"
"The Elf insults my nephew. And he insults the clan of Tooks, who are allies to the Dwarves of the Blue Mountains. So he insults me."
"That is an interesting way for you to phrase your grievance. For I have heard that the insult to you might be more direct."
"More direct?"
"Idle gossip, Gandalf."
"Nonetheless, Thorin, your war has already been made. For Mr. Butterbur has told me that Coruadan took refuge at the Prancing Pony and that he sent word to Miss Baggins. The thief had hidden the money he had stolen, but he could not hide himself from the wrath of a Took. Or of an heir of Durin. She and your nephew dragged him from his horse, and Bella beat him senseless in the street. While he lay there, the two of them took charge of his horse and his purse, and anything he had on him that had value, and traded for four excellent ponies, with saddle and bridle. I believe if you call at the stable, two of those ponies will be awaiting you and Fili."
"Fili, go to the stable and fetch our ponies. We will ride back to the Blue Mountains and assemble the Company. Our quest is at hand."
"What about Kili?"
"You should go to the Shire, at once, and start along your way with him. I have further Council to take with Gandalf."
"What about Bella?"
"Yes, Thorin, what about Bella?" Gandalf asked.
"The Hobbit? What of her? She can marry Kili when the quest is finished."
"What, lose two husbands in one year? And you think Kili will leave Bella behind? You go and tell her that, yourself, Uncle, I like the way me head is, without it having a great whopping battle axe stuck through the middle of it." Fili snorted.
That defused Thorin's haughty manner, somewhat.
"By Durin's brass bollocks, Fili lad, I'm already draggin' you and the other boy along, now you expect me to drag a woman to the other side of the world, to kill a dragon? And not just any worm, but Smaug? And for another thing, I'm not talkin' to that thick-skulled Took! For I'd surely end the discussion with an' an axe of me own fookin makin' stuck through me own head!"
"I have a suggestion. You would be a company of 13, a very unlucky number. And you have no burglar, in an expedition to seize a treasure. If Miss Baggins would accompany you, 14 is a very lucky number. And Hobbits are small, clever, and very good at not being seen. She would make an excellent burglar." Gandalf interrupted.
"Burglar! D'you know how much money that Bungo Baggins left his girl? Not coutin' Bag End! She's a bloody heiress, by Durin's beard , Gandalf! What would she need to steal?" Thorin protested.
"An adventure." Gandalf replied.
"Adventure? By the bristly arse hairs of Mahal who made us, and the beard of Odin who made him, it'll be a fookin' adventure with the likes of the old Took's granddaughter in tow! A fookin' adventure you'll regret to have taken up! Fili, don't speak a word of it to the girl. Let Gandalf ask her. And don't tell your brother. When he opens his mouth, his guts fall out."
Fili went on his way, and Thorin banged his mug on the table.
"Bring me a pitcher, Butterbur, for I'm the fookin' horse's arse goin' on an adventure with a bloody Took!"
Gandalf thought he heard Thorin mutter something under his breath, something about if the Hobbit gave him the usual amount of grief and bollocks then he'd sell his pony, braid Bella Baggins hair into pigtails, use them as reins and ride her fine big Hobbit arse all the way to Erabor, and she'd thank him for it.
But, then again, he might have said anything under his breath.
And Gandalf was not a wizard to put any stock in rumors and gossip.
Much.
Chapter One: Rather A Good Adventure Than A Bad Marriage
Bag End, The Shire
Gandalf had expected that he would find Belladonna Baggins in a less than cheerful mood when he arrived at Bag End.
She was sitting on the bench in her garden, looking rather downcast, but she had not forgotten her manners.
"Good morning." She said.
Without much conviction.
"What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?" Gandlaf elaborated.
Bella blew a smoke ring.
"I think I was inquiring as to whether you were you having a good morning, sir?" she asked.
"Better than you are, Belladonna Baggins."
"It seems you know me, but I don't know you. At least I don't think I do."
"That is because I am Gandalf. And you do know me."
Bella looked at him, thoughtfully.
"Gandalf? My grandfather's friend, who always made such interesting fireworks? Why, of course I know you! But it's been quite some time. Twenty years. Since Grandfather Took's wake. Well I should have known you sooner, it's not as if I was a baby, I was I've gotten much taller since i was 15. So everything and everyone looks different. I suppose Mum must have invited you to the wedding. Well, there won't be one. I've been stood up."
"I had heard about that. But I came to the Shire, nonetheless, because I thought you might appreciate a bit of a holiday?"
"What kind of a holiday?"
"An adventure. Concerning a long voyage, great peril, a dragon, and some 13 Dwarves."
"So, he's finally got his act together, has he?"
"Who?"
"You know who. That son of an orc's warg, Thorin Oakenshield! I ended up in this mess with that Elf because of him."
Gandalf sat beside Bella, and took out his pipe.
"How?"
"Well, I had him do some work for me. For all his other faults, he is a master blacksmith. Well, you probably know that the old sinner's nephew, Kili is s a friend of mine."
"Your beau."
"Well, something like that. Anyway, the King of the Shit Heap asked me if I might secure a loan for him for a new anvil and some tools and a wagon and horse to take it all back to the Blue Mountains with him. As his credit in these parts is questionable. Well, Thorin was a friend of my grandfather and he fought alongside my great grand-uncle and the whole Took clan turns to him for all their metalwork. So, I was a fool and trusted him, and he left me holding the debt! I was so angry that I quite speaking to Kili, too. And then I met that other son of an orc, Coruadan, and got into another terrible mess. It's a good thing Kili's a better man than his blowhard of a Uncle is."
"It doesn't seem like that would be such a large sum to you. Miss Baggins."
"Well it's not the money, Gandlaf, it's the principle of the thing. So it's Thorin's Quest for Erebor I'm being asked to join, is it?"
"Yes. The question is, are you interested in being the Company's burglar?"
"Burglar? Is that what I'm being offered? That's a much better job. Took though I may be, goodness knows I couldn't manage 13 Dwarves!"
Gandalf tried not to laugh at that, but he did, anyway.
"Well it is turning out to be a good morning, isn't it? Tell you what. I'll think about it. Come back at dinnertime, and I'll let you know. " Bella decided.
It wasn't so much that I didn't fancy an adventure.
After all, my mother is a Took, adventure is in my blood.
I have been as far away as Bree, you know, all by meself, and I have learnt fencing and axe-throwing from my cousin, the Master of Buckland.
I have been to Bree several times, I compete in the seasonal fairs and festivals, in the sport of axe- throwing and I have won some medals, thank you.
So I am not, you know, completely a babe in the Shire.
It's only that I'm afraid of disappointing myself in finding I am not as adventurous as I thought.
But, after what had just happened to me, I was just about ready to jump at the chance Gandalf was offering me.
But when I told him I would think about it, I didn't think that my only thinking about it would require so many Dwarves.
The first arrived at dinnertime, a burly fellow nearly a foot taller than me, and I am four two, a very Tookish height, indeed, and he had a big brown beard and no hair to speak of.
He wasn't what you might call handsome, in fact he was quite ugly, but in a compelling way, and he was burly and beardy and strong.
Well, there was no harm in a little dinner, was there?
"Would you be the mistress of the house, lassie?" he asked me
"It seems strange, doesn't it, Master Dwarf? But my father passed on, prematurely. And my mother has gone to Long Cleeve to live with her relatives. So I am the mistress of Bag End, Miss Belladonna Baggins. "
"Dwalin, son of Fundin. At your service."
"Really? Well, wouldn't that be nice. After all, you are a rather large fellow. But excuse my terrible jokes. I'd better get some more for us to eat…"
The thing was, though, that very soon I had Balin, son of Fundin, at my service, and Dori, Nori, Ori, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Oin and Gloin at my service.
And Fili and Kili, too.
"You had better tell your lot to quit breaking up the place! Because I know your Uncle's not worth a penny of it!" I told them.
But I was laughing when I said it, because, even though it was made up of unruly strangers, it was quite a nice party.
I'd never seen so many big, strong, hairy men in one place at one time, and I wasn't sure why they were all there, but if I was going on an adventure with this motley lot of drunken ruffians, then I was sure to have a fine time.
I told Gandalf so, when he showed up.
And I had all this food for the wedding feast that would have just rotted, otherwise.
Everyone was making quite merry, even me.
And I always thought that my father , bless his soul, made too much of the plates, even though these Dwarves made too little of them.
"Have you gone out and bought all of this for us, my fine little lassie? Because when Thorin, our chief arrives, he can compensate you." Balin asked me.
"Oh, no. You see, I has all this food laid aside for my wedding feast. It was just on the verge of spoiling,. I' glad you lot showed up. I was going to get married. It was a terrible idea, really. Not even to a Hobbit, either. But to this Elvish chap. His name was Coruadan. He was a good-looking fellow, you know , in that pretty way Elves are. Oh, he wasn't really my sort of man, but I thought, well my sort of man gets me in trouble, I'll try someone different. I met him in Bree, and he was so sweet and pretty and so lost. You know the type. The kind you just want to shove into your pocket and hold close to your heart. Well, as it turns out, he was a bastard, who only wanted to pick my pocket. And break my heart. Because, two nights before the wedding, he got on the horse I bought him, in the suit of clothes I made for him, took the money for our honeymoon holiday and left. I haven't seen him since. Well, I got drunk for a week, and I'm not even a big drinker. And I cried and burnt the dress and it was all just awful. But I suppose it was for the best. Fancy how sorry I would have been if I did marry the rotter."
All the Dwarves, or perhaps I mean Dwarrows, listened to my story, and it put a bit of a damper on things.
"Well, don't look so sad, my friends! I was only getting married because I had just had an affair end unhappily, and it was a very bad idea, on my part."
Kili gave me a questioning look, and I shook my head, trying to tell him it wasn't him I was talking about.
Gandalf didn't notice and neither did any of the other dwarves, except Balin.
He looked at the empty chair at the head of the table, frowned and shook his head.
Meanwhile, I continued with my explanation.
"The poncy son of a bitch probably did me a favor leaving me. My own mother, and all my Tookish relations, they had refused to come to my wedding. That's what a bad idea it was. It's a good job, then, that the Elf left me. Although I do with he hadn't robbed me. Because it's not the principle of the thing, damn it all, it's the money! But, Gandalf tells me that we are all going to have an adventure. Which will take my mind off of all of it. All things considered, I would much rather have a feast before a good adventure than a bad marriage." I explained.
"If we find him along the way, lassie, we'll string him up!" Dwalin promised.
"By his feet." Balin added.
"And Bella can throw an axe at him. She's won the Axe-Throwing Competition at Bree five years in a row!" Kili informed his fellows.
"So this is your axe, then, on the wall above out heads! It's a fine axe, lassie. Go on, let's see you throw." Balin suggested.
Gandalf answered a knock on the door as I was taking aim.
But when I saw who it was, I threw the axe, anyway.
It stuck in the doorjamb, about three gnat's hair's away from Thorin Oakenshield's head.
He didn't even flinch.
I knew him as the Master Blacksmith who sometimes plied his trade in Bree, a shockingly good-looking and burly Dwarf, who was even more shocking and good-looking when dressed in fur and finery, and armed to the teeth.
Of course, when I had met him, in Bree, for some metalwork I needed done, he hadn't looked quite so, I believe majestic is the word I want, but he was still the rest.
I went to get my axe.
"You ought to be more careful with your weapons, Belladonna Baggins of Bag End."
"You ought to be more careful with yours, Thorin Oakenshield." I replied.
I was gracious about it, though, and showed Thorin to the table.
He sat at the head of it.
"I was just talking to your business manager, Mr. Balin, Master Blacksmith. He seemed to think you might want to compensate me for your stay here."
"Then let him do it. For I have work to do."
"That's not the kind of compensation I had in mind. I can have that from your nephew. And I have, too. " I told Thorin.
But he went right along ahead with his business, as if I hadn't even spoken.
"Now, Gandalf tells me you will be our burglar. And I can see that you have skill with that axe. But have you any experience in battle?"
"I'm also quite good at fencing. But, well, when I was in my tweens and younger, I got in a lot of fistfights. I used to be shorter than everyone, and then I had this growth spurt. I've taken a few beatings, but I've never started a fight. I wear my Took's plaid with pride. And a Took never gives her ground."
"I see. And have you ever burgled anything?"
"Well, I tracked Coruadan, my ill fated fiance, to Bree, and I beat the snot out of him. Right in the middle in the street. I called him a bunch of horrible filthy names, too. It was very unladylike. But it did me a world of good. I stole back the horse he stole from me, and traded it for my new pony. Just got home this morning."
"Well, if Gandalf says you'll bring us luck, you'll have to do. Now, Balin, give Miss Baggins the contract."
I read it over.
"This bit about funeral arrangements, Mr. Balin?"
"Yes?"
"Will you agree to have my remains brought back to the Shire? I may be quite Tookish, but I am also a Baggins, and all Bagginses are buried in the family vault. My spirit would never rest if my bones, or their ashes, were not laid to rest with my fathers. If someone transports my remains home, I'm sure my mother and the Took side of the family would throw a grand wake. And he'd be welcome to stay and feast."
"Miss Baggins, if the unthinkable happens I will accompany your body home, personally. And I perish, my brother, Dwalin, will come in my stead."
"Good."
"Will you sign the contract, then? Balin asked.
"I have only one more term to add. I hardly know most of you, but you all seem like excellent and fine gentleman. Solid, trustworthy, dependable fellows, but who know how to have a good time. . I tried to marry for love, or something like it. And look where that got me. So, now I'll do it the old fashioned way. At the end of this adventure, we shall all know each other better, and I shall know you all well enough to know who I'd like to make a business proposal to. Provided any of us survive, I'll want to choose one of you fine, strong , Dwarven gents to do me the honor of being my husband. You'll have to come back to Bag End with me, but It'll be a proper marriage, no funny stuff or small print. And it won't be all business, either. If you get my meaning. And we'll share and share alike. What's mine will be yours, and what's yours will be mine. I can sew, I'm a good cook, I don't get the horrors at curse words or dirty jokes, and I'm not wearing any false padding under me clothes. And ah, well, let's keep it clean and say I enjoy a man's company. I'm sure all of you gents would make a woman a fine husband, and I can assure you I'd make any of you excellent Dwarven warriors a fine wife. Do I have any volunteers?"
Gandalf choked on his pipe.
"Do any of you who are unmarried, object?" Thorin asked.
"As if we would?" Dwalin shouted.
He got a good laugh.
Kili jumped up.
"I'll marry you, Bella. I'll marry you this very night, before we leave! And I'll find that bastard Elf for you, and put an arrow through his black heart!" Kili volunteered.
"You woulda done that even even if you came and found the lass married to the Elvish bastard!" Dwalin added.
"You're right. I would have. And you'll all get the same, if you try and steal my Bella!" Kili decreed.
"She was probably tryin' to keep that under her hat, lad." Balin told him.
"But everybody, man, Dwarf and Hobbit, from here to the Blue Mountains knows…" Ori began.
"Be quiet, little brother!" Dori shushed him.
"Sit down, Kili. The point of the contract term is that Miss Baggins wishes to find the measure of us all, as men, on this quest, and then she will choose. If she's yours, she'll choose you." Thorin explained.
"But Thorin, does our burglar not already know the measure of Kili, as a man?" Dwalin joked.
"I do. That's why I'm very likely to accept his offer." I interjected.
They laughed.
These Dwarves they laughed at all my bad jokes.
That was a good sign.
"Aye, and the way she threw that axe at you with such purpose, Thorin Oakenshield, I don't doubt she 's had every bit of your measurements, too. And she's just as glad to see you again after a long absence as the rest of your women. How much did he take you for, lassie?" Bofur piped in.
Amid thunderous laughter, I made my reply.
"You hit the nail on the head, Mr. Bofur. It's a matter of money that is a bone of contention between your Chieftain, and I, and nothing else. But it is a matter that I can disregard, for now. Only the price of a secondhand anvil, a few tools, a rickety old wagon, and a broken-down old nag. As you can see from my home, I can afford to be generous, especially with your Chieftain and all of you most excellent Dwarrows, for asking me on this quest."
Well, it was meant to be an insult and Thorin took it as such.
His eyes blazed with anger.
I pretended not to notice.
"I see. So, Kili had asked you to lend his Uncle some money, for tools of his trade, and you have not yet been paid back. Well, that sounds like a small sum. We'll settle up at the end, and add it to your share of the treasure." Balin finished.
Gandalf glowered at me.
So did Thorin.
I ignored both of them.
The Dwarves accepted my terms and I thought theirs were quite fair.
So, I signed.
"Just where do you think you're going with our burglar in your arms, laddie?'
"I'm going to put Bella to bed, Uncle. She's passed out."
"That's right. She has. So you take off her boots and her jacket and waistcoat, and that's all you take. Put her in the bed, and pull up the blankets and come right back out."
"Mind your own business Thorin Oakenshield! I'm awake enough to know if I want to…ugh, me stomach…not the bedroom, Kili, take me to the bog! Hurry! I'm going to be sick!"
"Uncle…"
"It's all part of marriage, laddie. Don't let her hair fall into the sick, and one day she'll do the same for you. Hurry up, then, or you'll be the one who cleans the floor. Dori, make some of that chamomile tea. And Oin, see if you haven't got something for the stomach."
Let me give you a piece of advice.
Never drink with 13 Dwarves.
Especially not on a full stomach.
I had some of Oin's stomach medicine, and a few cups of Dori's chamomile tea, and Gandalf told Kili to sit up with me, in case I needed help in the night.
In the morning, I found that they had all left without me, except Kili, who had Oin's hangover remedy and some of Dori's chamomile tea waiting for me, and after I took a long, hot shower, had had some tea and toast and the stomach medicine, I packed my pack, got on my new pony, and, following Kili, rode on my way.
As we left the Shire, we passed my grandfather, The Old Took's, Hobbit Hole.
My mother was outside, smoking her pipe.
"Good morning, Mrs. Baggins." Kili said, politely.
"Good morning, young master Kili, nephew of Thorin. And where are you going, Bella, on your new pony?"
"On an adventure, Mama."
"A long adventure?"
"Yes."
"Have you got your great grand-uncle's mithril shirt with you?"
"Yes, Mum."
"And your woolies? And your dries athelas berries? And your heavy blanket and you warm cloak?"
"Yes, Mum."
"Good. A good adventure will be much better for you than a bad marriage. But, we will be expecting a marriage, when you come home. A good one, this time."
"You'll have one, Mrs. Baggins." Kili promised her.
"Good luck, young master Kili. You'll need it. Good-bye, Bella. Write us, if you get the chance!"
Mum hugged me, and made me wait for her to go in and get me a thick, fur-lined wool shawl with a hood that she had knitted for me, for the upcoming winter, and after I stuffed that into my pack, too, I was on my way.
Gandalf puffed his pipe, and frowned.
There was Bella Baggins, on her pony, wearing little or nothing under a Tookish kilt, and a shirt and jacket and waistcoat to boot, sneezing and rummaging in her pack for dried athelas berries to soothe her allergy, and a pocket handkerchief.
When she didn't have the latter, Kili, Thorin's nephew, rode up to her and gave her his.
"Did you really bring your woolies, Bella? I wouldn't want you to catch a cold."
"Two pairs of wool leggings. Right in my pack. Why? Would you have insisted we stop and go back for them?"
"Yes."
"You don't have have to convince me that you're the hero, on this quest, Kili. I already know that you are."
"Are you serious about marrying someone else?"
"I don't even know if I'm serious about getting married. But, just between you and me, I think the contest is fixed."
"But it's in the contract."
"I said at the end of the quest. I didn't say when."
"Well, if we do get married, Fili's the heir, so I don't know how much I'd have to share with you. But I'd share it with you."
"I don't care if you were penniless, Kili. I'm loaded. We'd have Bag End to share, and all the rest of my inheritance."
"And a lifetime of adventures?"
"I wouldn't mind that at all. But let's try to live through this one, first."
Kili leaned over and whispered something in the Hobbit's ear.
They both laughed.
Gandalf, who had been pretending not to listen, cantered up to the lead pony.
Thorin had been glaring at his younger nephew, was muttering something under his breath about cutting an Elf's bollocks off.
"Thorin, did you not spend some little time in Bree and the like, doing metalwork, to raise money for this journey, in the past few years? And Fili, did he not work with you? And Kili, you had him working for that tall one- eyed huntsman who lives at the Prancing Pony, did you not?" Gandalf casually inquired.
"I did."
"He must have met her in Bree."
"I wouldn't know. I was busy. Working."
"You couldn't have been working all the time! Thorin, Ori was right. Every Dwarf and Hobbit and quite a few Men, as well, know that Bella Baggins and your nephew Kili have been carrying on a rather merry and lighthearted affair for about the last five years or so. Naturally I assumed it was that affair which ended unhappily, and drove her to very nearly marry a very bad example of Elf-kind. But Kili doesn't seem to be the culprit. In fact, whatever, or whoever it was that broke the Hobbit's heart seems to have made him rather more serious about her."
Thorin scowled.
"Well, I never said that they were strangers, did I? I mean, it's only natural for a lad his age to find himself a girl. But all this talk of marriage, it's a load of bollocks. He's too young for a wife. And the Hobbit, by her people's reckoning, is also barely of age."
"Of course they are. But most people who marry do so when they are too young for it, and still optimistic. When you become old enough to get married and you haven't, you lose your nerve for it. Kili seems very keen to win Miss Baggins' hand. And not for her inheritance, either. Only now, I heard him promising her that as she would share her birthright with him, he would share his with her. And something about a lifetime of adventure. Then he whispered something secret in her ear. And she laughed and blushed. Well, after all, Fili is your heir. Kili is free to pursue a lifetime of adventure with whom he wishes. I wonder how they met?"
"The girl participates in all those ridiculous fairs and festivals in Bree. And some in the Hobbits' Shire. Fencing. Throwing an axe. Making a fool of herself. And my nephews are fond of those kinds of entertainments."
"Yes. That axe of hers. It seems to be one of yours. I recognize your handiwork."
"Yes, I made the girl's axe. And shod her pony. Just as I have done metalwork for a thousand customers. Are you trying to make some kind of point? What business is it of mine if my nephew has had, or is having, some kind of fling with your burglar? Let him marry her, if she wants him. The Shirefolk are good people. Especially the Tooks. "
"What about the Elf?"
"Which one?"
"The one you were muttering under your breath about emasculating, just now."
"He deserves it. What kind of a thing is that for some man a thousand years old , or more, to do to an innocent young girl? I hope Kili does find that Elf who jilted Miss Baggins, and murders the bastard! Bastard fookin' Elves! Always up to no good!"
"Still, I wonder if it was a Hobbit she had the unhappy affair with. I heard talk, at the Green Dragon. And the Prancing Pony. And Bella Took, that is, Mrs. Bungo Baggins, seems to think it was you."
"Me?"
"Yes. You. You, who fought at the side of Bullroarer Took, and were always on good terms with Gerontius Took. According to Bella, the entire Took clan considers you their blacksmith. Which is how you came to know Bella Baggins, the younger. Making her that axe. It's a very sordid story. Mrs. Baggins told me how you seduced your own nephew's girl away from him, induced her to fall in love with you, then you and she fell out over something to do with money, and some kind of terrible betrayal that Bella wouldn't tell even her own mother about. Bella senior says she tried to tell her daughter you had a reputation as being, and I quote, a heartbreaker and a whoremaster, but Bella junior wouldn't listen. Indeed, the only reason you haven't had an army of Tooks calling you to do the right thing and marry Bella Baggins, jr. is because none of them have any faith in you at all that you would quit being a heartbreaker and a whoremaster. Also, Kili paid a call on the Thain of the Shire, Isengrim Took, Bella's uncle, and the current head of the Took clan, formally apologized to him on behalf of the race of Dwarves and the Heirs of Durin, and asked for our burglar's hand in marriage. The Tooks are in agreement with his proposal, provided that Bella wants to marry him. Regardless, they have accepted his apology, on behalf of your race and your family for your behavior. But, then again, it could all just be idle Hobbit gossip."
"That's what it is, Gandalf. Why, I hardly know the girl!"
"Certainly you don't, Thorin. I never believed any of that for a second."
There was a lot of trouble, in the first month of our expedition, having to do with me, and it wasn't over me making trouble because I was a girl.
It was all Thorin's doing, and that's' the truth.
The trouble began with all the hemming and hawing, around the campfire as to where it would be proper for the lady to sleep.
It was first decided I should sleep a little bit away from the Company, but the nights were still chilly and I would wake up in the middle of the night, freezing cold, and sleepily drag my pallet over to the Dwarves around the fire, and trying not to step on anyone, find Fili and Kili and squeeze in next to Kili, as they weren't strangers to me.
Eventually, I quit exiling myself to the cold hinterlands and slept in the same general area as Fili, Kili and King Thorin the Megalomaniacal.
You would have thought that would be enough for him, but it wasn't.
I suspected that Thorin would want a word in my ear, but it really wasn't fair of him to sneak up on me when I was behind a tree, watering the dandelions.
I got my woolen leggings, which I wear on the chillier days, pulled up, and came from around the tree and there he was.
"Bella, you and I must have words. Walk with me." Thorin announced.
Haughtily and officiously.
As if I had been waiting all that month just to tag along behind him.
Well, I was willing to do that much.
Walk with him, and talk to him, that is.
"It's been good of you to say nothing. About us."
"That is because there is nothing to say." I replied.
Frostily.
That really bothered Thorin.
Good.
"Why an Elf?"
"Why not? He was unlike you in every way and that's what I was looking for, at the time. Well, almost every way. He robbed me, betrayed me, and left me flat to do what I liked about it, just like you did."
All I got out of that comment was an imperious look.
"Well you already seem to have picked out your future husband. My nephew. Kili. I notice you get yourself snuggled right up tight with him, every night. Think you'll just pick up where you left off with him, do you?"
"Who says I left off?"
"I know you did."
"Not for long. And it wasn't on your account! Well, I like Kili. I always have. He's handsome and young, and we have much in common, and we always have a good time, together. I enjoy his company. And he's proven himself to be a good man. He's forgiven me, for all of the mad things I did after you stuck a Morgul blade through my heart, and stood beside me. You may think he's just a boy, but Kili's quite a man. Solid. Dependable. Honorable. Trustworthy. Unlike you."
Thorin grabbed me by the shoulders.
He did a very good job of looking majestic and kingly, but it wasn't going to work on me.
"Do you think I wanted to have words with you so that you can insult me, Halfling?" he thundered.
Halfling?
Oh, that did it.
I shook his hands off of me.
"No. But I'm going to insult you all the same, Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror! You think you're the king, do you? You're the King, alright, king of the trash pile! King of the shit heap! I know you, a lot better than I would like to, and under your furs and your majesty and your haughty expression, you're a crude, profane, hard-hearted mercenary bastard! A greedy, power mad, vengeful son of an orc! A two-bit, high-hat, officious, petty tyrant of a dirty old man! You're a liar and a whoremaster and a dirty, no-good all around bad-tempered shitheel! And furthermore, you're a conceited prick, a money-grubbing miser, a bad man, and a worse friend! And if you think that I have taken up this quest so that I can make nice with you, you miserable son of an orc, if you think I've any intention of crawling back to you, then this is your notice that if you had the last cock in Middle Earth I would jump in the ocean and swim to the Undying Lands, or die trying!"
Well, I might as well have hit Thorin over the head with a rock, for the look he had on his face.
"Have we had enough words? Or would you like some more? Because there's plenty where those came from!" I demanded.
He recovered quickly, though.
"Almost. Bluster as much as you want, Belladonna Baggins. But when I make a woman mine, she stays that way. When I want you, I'll come and get you. And you'll run back to me."
He grabbed me, again, and crushed me close against his broad chest.
My body began to get some lewd ideas, but my mind told it to stop right there.
"If you try to kiss me, Thorin Oakenshield, I will spit in your face!"
"Then spit!"
Well, I did, but it didn't deter him.
The worst part if it was, Thorin hadn't gotten to be any less of a man, since the last time he had kissed me, and by the time we has parted, I wanted to pull my woolies right back down, again.
Despite his horrible betrayal.
He knew it, too, and he got this little smirk on his face, this little smirk that I wanted to punch.
But I wouldn't give Thorin the satisfaction of knowing that he had upset me so much.
"Are you finished, now? Can I leave?"
"Your legs are trembling."
"I've got a cramp, from riding all day."
I tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but Thorin wouldn't let me go.
That was when it occurred to me that he meant to have more than words in my ear.
"I know where you've got a cramp, girl!"
He held me fast with one arm, unfastened his fur-lined cape and let it fall to the ground.
"Thorin..."
"You mean to cuckold me with my own nephew? And leave me out in the cold? Not while I fookin' well live and breathe! Marry the boy if you want, but you're mine, Bella Baggins! The time for words is finished"
He meant to wrestle me to the ground, pull off my woolies, unbutton my shirt and waistcoat, and have his wicked way with me on his furs.
Not that I didn't want him to, in one way, but, in another, I would rather have been had by an orc.
"Thorin, stop! Get your hands off me, you're hurting me! Have you gone mad?" I insisted.
"Mad for you, Bella!"
"Well if you want to get back in my good graces, this isn't the best way to start!"
I gave him a good shove, and broke away.
"I'll scream!"
I took a step back, Thorin lunged forward and I grabbed the dagger from my belt and stuck it right under his nose.
"I said no, didn't I?"
You know, the look that Thorin got on his face, like I had already stabbed him, and right through the heart, it made me feel so awful that I forgot how angry I was with him.
"Bella, I made you that dagger! And the ring on your finger, and the bracelet on your sleeve. You have not removed them, have you? Do you hate me so much, have I wronged you so deeply, woman, that you would cut me with my own blade, rather than lie with me? And an Elf? You would have married an Elf?"
I put my dagger away.
"He was everything you aren't. That was good enough for me. I probably would have ended up having it annulled in a week. I may have given a man my favors, well, two, actually, but I never gave them my heart. I trusted you with it, and you shattered it like a glass goblet. I can't let you do it a second time. That would kill me."
"So, I have lost your trust, have I? Well. it serves me right. I squandered it. On an anvil, a broken down wagon, an old nag, and a hammer and tongs. The thing, is, Bella, I am something of a bastard. I'm a mean, tough, hard-hearted old warrior, and I can neither change, nor to I want to."
"I don't mind that. I rather like your being, you know, something of a bastard. That's not what made the break between us!"
"If I was to earn back your trust, Bella, would your love come with it?"
"My love never went anywhere, did it?"
"Is that supposed to be a goddammed answer?"
"It's the goddamned answer you're getting! I'm giving you a chance, aren't I? Its more than you deserve."
Thorin's eyes flashed with rage.
He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me up against a tree.
"So,there's nothing left between us, is there? I'll show you otherwise, my girl!"
He knelt down in front of me, and it was kilt up, and woolies down.
"You're right, I'm a goddamned dirty old man, girl. I'm not about to let you forget it!"
Maybe I should have stopped him, but what woman in her right mind would stop a man from doing a thing that you can't even get half of them to do?
And when Thorin was done, or rather, when I was, he got up, wiped his face on his sleeve, and kissed me again.
And I spit in his face for the second time.
I regretted having done it, as soon as I did.
"I still loath and despise you, Thorin Oakenshield!"
And I regretted saying that, too.
"Do you think I care if you do, or not? If lust is all that's left between us, by Durin's big brass balls, and mine, I'll take it!" he said.
And then he left me to think things over.
I stood there, by the tree, until my legs started to work, again, and then I used some water from my canteen to wash up.
I had been gone a long time, and Kili came looking for me.
"Are you…alright, Bella? Has my Uncle…did he…no, he wouldn't do a thing like that. Would he?"
"He made his point is all, Kili. And it was a stupid point. I was comin' back to camp, soon, anyway."
The three of them, Fili, Kili and Thorin, slept in a sort of a circle with all their things in the middle, and I usually slept beside Kili, on the inside of the circle.
I sleep back to back with Kili and Thorin usually faces the other way, but we spent a few hours that night, facing each other from only a bit of ground away, with our eyes shut, pretending to be asleep.
That night, I didn't sleep, and Thorin didn't either.
Finally, we both opened our eyes.
"Don't look at me like that, Thorin. If I meant you to get off me, I could have kicked your teeth in. You made your point, for what it was worth. It doesn't mean a damn thing, though. Either way."
"It wasn't the first time you spit in me face that troubles me. It was the second."
"That was to make a point."
"What point?"
"The same one you wanted to make."
We fell silent, for awhile.
"Do you truly loathe and despise me, Bella?"
"I wish I did. I've tried to. But I don't. And I can't. What I can do is keep what I know to be true firmly in mind. I can't trust you, Thorin. If I can't trust you, that's the end of it."
"Then it is a matter of my earning back your trust."
"Good luck!" I snorted, derisively.
I pretended that I was asleep, a little bit later, when Thorin grabbed hold of the side of my pallet and pulled me over to him, and I continued to pretend to be asleep when he gathered me inside his arms and his furs.
I think he knew that I was pretending, but neither of us let on.
We had a bit of trouble a few nights later, when Thorin caught Fili opening my pack in the middle of the night to get some of the travelling food I had packed.
Well, sometimes you do get hungry in the middle of the night, don't you?
I had a whole sack of the stuff in there, for as we Hobbits say, even though you walk on your feet, you travel on your stomach.
I didn't care if he had a piece of venison jerky without waking me, and I wasn't carrying anything secret with me, but the way Thorin took on you would have thought Fili was stealing my spare short stays or sniffing my woolies or reading my diary, and he managed to wake everybody.
Gandalf got angry, though, so I didn't have to.
"Erm, would anyone else like a piece of mutton jerky?" I asked.
Just trying to be polite.
No takers.
Everyone settled back in.
"You're a very patient lass, Bella Baggins." Balin commented to me, the next morning.
"Well, I don't want to make trouble for myself, do I? I mean, Thorin might as well be Kili's father, Fili's, too, as their Uncle. I don't want to make family problems. I'm only sleeping, after all."
"I'll bet that's upsetting." He joked.
"It's still better than being married to an Elf." I replied.
And then, of course there was the controversy about the braiding.
Dwarf men do not braid their own hair or beards, unless necessity provides that they must.
If they are unmarried their mothers, or if they have them, sister's braid their hair, and if they have a wife or a sweetheart, she braids their hair, and if they have none of the above, then they get the wife or mother or sister or daughter of a close friend or relative to do it.
Dwarf men also do not let other men braid their hair.
Only their fathers, when they are small boys, if their mothers are not available.
Unless, that is, other men are their, shall we say, cup of tea.
Something they have to keep under their hoods, because such things are very much frowned up in by Dwarfkind in general.
At home, in the Blue Mountains, Dis always braided Fili's hair for him, so when he was abroad in the world with his uncle and his brother, being a good-looking fellow, he always managed to find some woman to braid his hair for him.
The barmaids at the Prancing Pony used to fight over who got to braid Fili's hair.
I'm not sure what else they did with him, but I do know about that.
And, in a pinch, considering I was his brother's sweetheart, I was practically kin, so I would braid Fili's hair for him.
In the same spirit his mother would have.
That said, I had many occasions to braid Thorin's hair for him, and not in the spirit his sister would have, back home.
It was a very intimate thing between us, you know, and I would usually sit in his lap, sometimes even astride his lap, and he'd have his arms around me, and he'd usually have just washed his hair and be in some kind of a state of undress, so it was very much that kind of thing.
Of course, in that I was present on the Quest, Thorin expected that I would braid his hair.
Well, considering we weren't exactly on the friendliest of terms, I wasn't sitting in his lap, or anything, but it was still almost as intimate and as physical a thing as what had transpired up against that tree.
I wouldn't even do it in front of the rest of the Company, even if we just went and sat behind a large rock, away from everybody else.
Of course there was none of that involved with me braiding Fili's hair for him.
We had made camp, and Dori was making dinner, and everyone was sitting in groups, talking, and there I was, sitting with Kili and Fili., and we were talking about nothing in particular and I was doing Fili's braids up for him.
Thorin had been away from the fire, having one of his walk and talks with Gandalf, and when he came back, and saw me braiding Fili's hair, he went berserk.
The stream of profanity coming out of him didn't even make any sense, and he hit Fili so hard that he knocked him for a loop, literally.
It took Dwalin and Balin to hold him back from doing his poor nephew a further mischief.
If it had been Kili, he would have wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth and laughed it off, but Fili's good nature didn't go quite so far.
He got to his feet and stood up for himself.
"Why the fook did you hit me for, Uncle? Bella was only braiding my hair the way my mother would! I wouldn't steal my brother's sweetheart from right under his nose, would I? I'm not that much of a bastard! Unlike you!' Fili yelled.
That only made Thorin madder, and Gandalf had to step in and help hold him back.
"Don't make him angrier, Fili! Uncle didn't steal Bella from me. After all, our mother was married to two brothers. Your father, and my father."
"Yes! And they murdered each other over it! My father killed your father! And then himself! You were just a baby, but I remember! I was only a little boy but I remember! I saw it! You'd better not start wearing braids, or you'll end up dead, too!" Fili shouted.
A dead hush came over the Company.
And Thorin calmed down.
As for me, I was completely horrified.
Kili had told me that his mother was married to two brothers, Princes of the Iron Hills, and that one was his father and one was Fili's, and that they had both died when he was an infant and Fili was a little boy, and then his mother took them back to the Blue Mountains, where their Uncle and their mother raised them.
But I had no idea that the deaths of Dis' husbands had been due to murder and suicide.
"Let me go." Thorin ordered his cousins, and he did it in such a commanding way that even Gandalf listened.
"Fili, those fools, they were no father to you or your brother. No husbands to your mother. Vargbrand your father was a mean, stupid animal, who beat your mother, and took all his pleasure in life from the pain of others. And your father, Kili, Lothinwaen, he was a good man, but he was weak and foolish and could not stand up to his brother. Not for his nephew, his son, or his wife not even for his own life. All they contributed to your lives was the thimbleful of spunk that made you. I'm your father. And I would die before I saw you or your brother harmed. I am sorry I struck you, Fili, my lad. It's not your fault,. Or Bella's. Or your brother's. The fault is mine. And my anger is misdirected to any of you, for it is myself I am furious with."
Thorin spread his arms wide and hugged all three of us.
"Never forget that I love you! My sons, my woman! No matter how much of a bastard I am. I love you more than I love life. And I would give my life for yours. I would never hurt you."
His voice choked on the emotion in it, and I heard Kili sniffle and Fili sob.
My eyes got a little moist, but I wouldn't let myself cry.
Then, just as abruptly as he had hugged us all together, he let us go, and called to Dori to ask him what was in the pot as he made his way to the fire.
Fili and Kili and I sat down, and I finished Fili's braids.
None of us said anything to each other, because we really didn't know what to say.
In fact, none of the Company had anything to say about it.
Finally when we were sitting there and eating, Fili and Kili and Thorin and I, I said something.
"Well, I guess there's no way around you calling me your woman, Thorin, but just as I intend to marry Kili, I don't intend to marry you."
"If I say you will, you'll marry me, girl! But I'm too old to marry. And being a heartbreaker and a whoremaster, I'm not suited to be a husband. Either way, it makes no difference in the way things are."
"And how are they, Thorin? Tell me how they are?"
Thorin was about to say something in reply, and Kili rolled his eyes, but Fili put his two cents in.
"By the hairs of Mahal's head. I'm tired of hearing you both fight! Kili, you have to be sick of it!"
"I am. But I can't work out the bad blood between them."
"They can't either! Day and night, every minute they're in camp and not asleep, they're at each other's throats! Now it's got to where I'm going to get knocked around for it? Can't you two bury the axe, and not in each other's foreheads? Never mind! I'm going to go and sit with Balin and Dwalin, until these two have gone to sleep. I can't stand to listen to it, anymore!"
Fili got his bowl and left.
"I don't know what he's so touchy about. It's not even any of his business. I don't care how the two of you fight. I'd be a fool to take sides and anyway, it's got fook-all to do with me. As long as I'm in both your good books, I'll be a happy Dwarf." Kili commented.
I started to laugh, immediately.
It took Thorin a few moments longer.
"You're growing up to be as wise man, laddie."
We were all asleep by the time Fili returned to his usual place at the fire.
He woke me up.
"Bella?"
"I'm sleeping. You should be sleeping."
"My braids have come undone." he whispered to me.
I opened my eyes.
"How?"
"Maybe you didn't do them up right, in all the confusion."
I sat up.
Fili looked over at Dwalin, who was on watch.
He did not appear to have his keen eyes on us, but he probably did, nonetheless.
"We shouldn't do it here, in camp. I wouldn't want Uncle to have another fit of jealousy."
I got up, and put my jacket on.
"Alright."