Emotional Scar Tissue: Her Angel
DISCLAIMER: Characters and locations belong to J. K. Rowling. Italicized words are lyrics from the album 'Californication' and written by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They're in no particular order; one song could be another after only a line. They're also not entirely consistent, I tend to skip lines that don't really apply.
SUMMARY: The story of how Remus tells Allya everything in just three little words. Spoiler for chapter 17 of 'When and If'.
Stepping out of the shower, I could see in the mirror the scars I got many years ago. I was only young, then, I thought, but damned if I wasn't strong enough to get through it. I had to be. My thoughts rested, for more than a moment, on the only girl I've ever known that had scars to match my own- emotionally and physically.
Scar tissue that I wish you saw,
I hadn't seen her since before Christmas break. It was nearly time to go back to school and I hoped I'd see her again. But they'd been killed by Voldemort; it was highly unlikely that she would go back at all, especially after such a short time to recover. Not that I didn't want her to. I missed her with all my heart and soul.
Sirius teased her when she got the letter that morning, not knowing what it said. Eventually Allya ran from the Great Hall with tears streaming down her cheeks. You or Sirius or James may not have been able to see them. They weren't normal- enchanted, perhaps, as I was by Allya, I could see them plainly. But when she ran, Sirius looked so shocked. I wanted to slap him for what he'd done, but I knew there was no time.
Sarcastic mister know-it-all,
I followed her, of course. I followed her all the way to the Shrieking Shack with no cloak, traveled through three feet of fluffy wet snow to find her. The Whomping Willow started getting violent again as I dove into the hole in the roots after her, and I got a nasty cut above my left eyebrow for my trouble. I didn't notice at the time. Allya pointed it out later. But first... she cried into my chest for hours. I was so surprised; she'd seemed so strong and impossible to get to before. Anyway... she spilled her guts and told me everything.
The story of a woman on the morning of a war
Remind me if you will exactly what we're fighting for
And there was nothing I could do to make it hurt less. It was her pain and my helplessness to prevent it that hurt me most. I didn't know what to do. So I kissed her.
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause
I wanted that kiss. I'd been in withdrawal of them, I now think, but I shouldn't've taken advantage of her like that. Her parents are gone, and they're never coming back. Why does it feel like it's my fault? Why did I have to kiss her then, like that? I felt guilty about it for years afterward. It was nearly too late before we realized we'd almost gone too far.
Wave good-bye to ma and pa 'cause
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
And she cried. She cried until she had no more tears, and she let me take her back to the castle. The moon was three-quarters full, so I thought it odd when she transformed into the small, white she-wolf. Until I remembered that she, too, was an Animagus. I changed too, and ran after her into the Forbidden Forest.
Throw me to the wolves because
Because there's order in the pack
Throw me to the sky
Because I know I'm coming back
She changed back into a human at the edge of the ravine. I swear to God she was going to jump. My heart jumped into my throat, knowing that I'd take that same leap if she did.
Push the trigger and pull the thread
I don't, I don't believe it's bad,
Slit my throat it's all I ever
I've never been so scared in my life. I had to get in the way. She became a wolf again to try to fight me away, but she was sloppy in her pain. I brought her back to Hogwarts unconscious. Madam Pomfrey met us at the door and sent us straight to the hospital wing. When I woke up she was beside me again, no longer tearful but with salt stains down her red cheeks. I hate it when she cries. It hurts me more than anything. More than transforming into a werewolf.
Scarlet starlet and she's in my bed
A candidate for my soul mate bled.
"What did you think you were doing?" I asked her. She was the best thing in my life, and she was going to throw all of it away in a pinch. At first I thought she was selfish, but then, I didn't blame her. I never did. I never could. Death is hard. "Why did you try to do that?" Ally, you mean the world to me. If you die, I'll die, too. Can't you see that?
"I'm sorry," she said, but she wouldn't look at me anymore.
"Ally," I said.
"What?"
I sighed, knowing that I had to tell her then, or else I might lose her... again. She'd interrupted last time I tried to tell her, and maybe would again. "My timing is really lousy. I love you."
Another single tear slid from her cheek and onto my pillow. "I know." She took a shuddering breath. "And it hurts so Goddamn bad, doesn't it?!"
Things have changed, a lot of things. I don't know if it's for better or for worse. There is one thing that will always be the same. I'll always be her angel.
A/N: Finito... yes, there's a reason she doesn't say it back... no, they don't get together again after that. Be patient. VERY patient... 'cuz I think I've got that planned for when they're twenty-one...