And I hate
To say I love you.
When its so hard for me.
And I hate
To say I want you.
When you make it so clear,
You don't want me.
I'd never ask you
Cause deep down,
I'm certain I'd know what you'd say.
You'd say I'm sorry,
Believe me,
I love you.
Just not in that way.
...
He stands there, smiling at her with the brightest fucking smile on his dorky little face. She smiles back at him just as brightly and just as happily. You restrain the scowl that threatens to break your face open.
You keep your cool and even manage to fake a small smile when he glances at you. It's a fleeting glance, because at that very moment she starts her way down towards the two of you.
Her dress billows around her in a way that makes her look like an angel. And she really is, to him. Her hair is clipped up in a bun and her short little bangs are curling around her face. It frames her stunning blue eyes perfectly and you let out a sigh.
She's perfect for him.
You look over to him and notice his breath hitch in his throat. This really is it. No turning back from it now. They were doing this, they were making it happen.
And you just wanted to go home and drink Apple Juice until you explode.
He probably wouldn't even notice, he's too captivated by her in that stupid dress.
You find yourself wondering why you even came to this stupid prom. Then he smiles at you again and you remember.
That's right, because this dork asked you to be there. For moral support or something.
You smile at her when she finally reaches the two of you. She doesn't even look at you, she's too busy staring at John.
To be honest, you would be too, he looks fantastic in a suit.
"I think I'll leave you two lovebirds alone for a little bit." You mutter with a fake smile on your face. John waves you off, too busy gazing at his date to notice your leaving. You roll your eyes and walk away.
They really are perfect together.
So perfect it makes your heart hurt. So much.
Its stupid, so stupid. You hear the way he laughs with her, jokes with her, talks with her, plan with her, pranks with her, fucking works with her, and you KNOW its only her.
You're pretty sure you never had a chance to compete against someone like her. Shes just too perfect in every way.
You never ask him, because deep down you know what he'd say. He'd say he's sorry, he loves you, but just not in that way. He's not a homosexual Dave, get over it.
Rose would rub your back lovingly for awhile and let you cry silently into her shoulder.
You can't believe you fell for him. Him of all people.
...
"Dave! Oh my god, tonight was AMAZING!" he shouts on the way home. You roll your eyes and hold back a sob. He's just so happy. "It would have been more fun with you there though." he mumbles after a moment.
You glance over at him and allow yourself a small smile.
"What? And risk ruining your perfect date with the perfect girl? No way!" You fake a laugh at his reddened face and try to focus on driving.
"She's...not really my type..." he mumbles softly. You almost stop the car.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHES NOT YOUR TYPE?!" You shout at him when you pull into the nearest gas station. The hell she isn't, you spent over a week trying to get that girl to go out with him. He flinches and shrugs.
You thought they were perfect together, you thought she was the one for him. You guess you were wrong.
"I kinda like a different girl anyways." he whispers with his hands held up defensively. Whatever hope that had somehow managed to swell back into your heart deflated back again and you start to pull back out into traffic.
"So...what's her name?" You ask, only after you feel you have calmed down enough. He smiles fondly and shrugs.
"Not telling." he says. You roll your eyes and focus on the road. You grip the wheel so tight your knuckles turn white and your vision blurs slightly with tears. You blink them back though.
...
She has stunning green eyes. Her hair is a strawberry blonde with streaks of forest green running through them.
You're taking them to the movies, because John still can't drive yet. You let out a sigh when she gets in the car and smiles at you.
"Hi Dave! I've heard SO much about you!" she cheers at you. John blushes and hides his face in his hands.
"I knew this was a bad idea." he mumbles. She laughs at that, and her laugh is a squeaky thing that hurts your ears slightly. He winces at it as well and you call it right then and there this date is doing to crash and burn.
...
This one is shorter than him, and she has medium blonde hair that curls at the ends. Her eyes are hazel and have a depth to them you haven't seen in the other girls.
She doesn't smile when you pick her up, she remains with a cool face and mono-tone voice. She kinda reminds you of yourself, and a little bit of your sister Rose.
You are beginning to think John may have a crush on your sister. Every girl he has taken out has been blonde and looks a lot like her.
"Hi, my name is Diana." she mumbles as you start the car back up. John smiles at her sweetly and you almost cringe. Diana notices this and her whole face changes. She smiles knowingly at you and tells John she doesn't think it will work out.
He almost seems relieved at that.
...
He goes back out with Angie the third time she asks. She still looks as stunning as the day of prom and you flinch when he tells you the news.
"I don't want to, but she keeps asking me!" he complains on the way to get her. You roll your eyes and give a shrug. By now, you have gone numb and can't feel the pain anymore.
You knew from the start it was never going to work out. You just seriously need to come to terms with that now.
...
He doesn't go out with Angie again after that, saying something like shes too clingy.
...
You are starting to see a very familiar pattern in the girls he chooses to go out with.
They are all blonde, but every single one of them have had a different eye colour. You think he has it bad for your sister. You decided to call him out on it one day.
"John, are you crushing on Lalonde?"
His face is aflame at your question.
"To be truthful, yea I kinda am..." he mumbles after a moment. You sigh and pat his shoulder.
"Dude, you know she's gay right?"
"Yea..."
"Okay, as long as you know what you're getting yourself into." you tell him, knowing how he feels. Liking someone who you can never have fucking hurts.
You would know.
...
He's stopped dating for awhile, he has decided it's just not for him.
You don't know whether to jump for joy or curl into a ball and cry.
...
You start to avoid him.
He keeps talking about girls.
It makes you uncomfortable, so you start to make up excuses to get away from him.
At first it hurts, a lot. But you get used to this hurt just like you did the other and soon you are numb to this pain as well.
...
"Dave, are you avoiding me?" he jokes into the phone. You shrug and hang up, knowing he got his answer.
He calls you back again, and you don't have the heart to answer.
You decide to instead call Rose.
You dial her number and wait a few minutes before he goes to voice-mail.
"Hello, you have reached Rose Lalonde, I am currently occupied with an activity that is demanding my attention in such that I cannot reach the phone. Please leave a message after the tone." her mono-tone voice sounds.
You take in a deep breath and wait.
"Hey Rosey, it's Dave. Yep, just call me when you get the chance man. You know, when you're not mackin on your girlfriend and such."
You wonder what Dirk is up to.
You dial his number next and it only rings twice.
"Yo."
"Hey man, what's up?" you ask. You can faintly hear the sound of metal on metal in the background and you instantly know the answer.
"Oh nothing. Just messing with Jack." he breaths into the phone. You nod and hang up wordlessly, knowing he has already done the same.
...
The months almost pass by in a blur and suddenly you stand at graduation with a diploma in hand. John's buck toothed smile stares back at you and you can't help the tears that stream down your face.
"Oh my god! Dave, you're crying!" he shouts suddenly, rushing over to you and throwing his arms around your shoulders.
"No shit John." you whisper into his hair. He smells like rain. You like the way he smells.
This only makes you cry harder.
...
The boxes aren't really all that heavy, but you complain nonetheless. Of course, it's all your shit anyways, so it doesn't really matter how much you complain. It all needs to get moved.
You kind of like your new apartment, no smuppets. But it doesn't smell like your home, and that kinda depresses you. Just a little.
Taking a rest on the bed you brought in, you stare at the ceiling and cry when you somehow make out Johns face in the dots.
You decide you will go job hunting tomorrow. Get your mind off things.
...
"Strider, what the fuck are you doing?" Karkat is grumbling at you again, but you can't hear him all that well over the sound of your sick beats.
"Chill, Karks." you tell him. He rolls his eyes and goes back to waiting on the idiots that come in to the restaurant.
The manager is a nice girl, you think. Her and her twin brother run the shop.
You have never seen the two in the same room together at once. They do not like each other very much.
Sometimes you wonder if they are the same person.
...
"Dave, can I see you in my office real quick?" she asks one day and heads to the dark room without waiting for your answer.
"Yo."
"Dave, you and I both know this wasn't your first pick for a job." she says. You shake your head slowly, cautiously as you walk in the door. You shrug and she sighs. "It's okay to admit, I already know that."
"Sure." you tell her. She smiles and points to the chair across from her desk. You sit and almost start crying when she speaks again.
"I know about John."
...
"Dave, could you go in the back and get some more records for the display case?" Max asks loudly. You look up at him in confusion and see him frantically motioning for you to leave. You look behind him and burst into a sprint to the back room.
You were trying to get over him.
What is he doing here?
...
John has come into your work everyday for the past week and you are slowly getting tired of it.
You had moved away two years ago for a reason, and you do not wish for a repeat.
Karkat is waiting for you in the back room today.
"Hey asshole, come here for a sec." he grumbles at you. His arms are crossed over his chest and he scowls at you.
"What up?"
He figdies with the cuffs of his long sleeve work shirt and his face flushes.
"I need...advice..." he mumbles finally. You stare at him surprised for a few seconds before laughing. "No, shut up, for real."
"On what?" you know the answer, you just want him to actually say it out loud. In the middle of your musing about it, though, you almost miss him say it.
"...guys..." he mumbles.
"Come again?"
"I FUCKING SAID GUYS!"
"No need to shout." you chuckle at his flushed face and shake your head. "What about them?"
"How do you deal with it? Knowing you can never have someone?" his question startles you, and you stare at him stupidly for about 3 minutes before snapping out of it and shaking your head sadly.
"You don't."
...
"DAVE! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE DUDE!" he shouts through the door. You rush to your room and shut the door before collapsing on the floor in a heap of tears.
He goes away an hour later, but you are still crying on the floor. You call in sick for the day and Maria understands.
You thank her and spend the day on the floor.
It would have been fine, but he shows up later in the day and starts trying to talk to you again.
"Dave, come on. Please answer me at least." he asks, and you think you almost hear a sob. You blink away more tears and shake your head to yourself.
You won't let him do this to you anymore.
"Dave, p-please. I can't say this through a door." he cries. You feel your heart tug and you force yourself to stay where you are. "Dave fucking Strider, I swear to god!" he shouts after another moment of silence.
You wait for his next outburst, but none comes. You think maybe he left and stand slowly. Flash-stepping to the door, you open it a crack and he lunges at you.
"DAVE!" he cries into your shoulder and you stumbled back. You both topple to the floor and he lands with an oof on top of you.
"John, what the hell." you mutter painfully. He starts crying again and you feel that same tug at your heart.
"Dave, I missed you so goddamn much." he sobs. You cry with him and nuzzle his hair as more sobs tear from your throat.
"I missed you too you stupid idiot. I missed you so much it hurt. John I missed you. I missed you. I missed you so fucking much John. Oh my god I missed you. I love you John, I missed you so much." you cry harder, but push him away and off of you the moment you realize what you said.
"You...wait..what?"
I'd never ask you
Cause deep down,
I'm certain I'd know what you'd say.
You'd say I'm sorry,
Believe me,
I love you.
Just not in that way.
...
The song is not mine, it's by a dude called Sam Smith and it's called Not in That Way. I was listening to this while I wrote the thing.
Tada? It kind of has an open ending, I thought you could use your imagination for that! Yay!
Okay whatever, I just suck at writing.
Review?