Disclaimer: Until I make a billion zillion dollars and buy them, the characters all belong to King George. They just talk to me. Really. Seriously. Stop laughing!
Huge Major Plug: Go off and read Obsidian Butterfly's stories. K? Now. Go. Wait! finish my story first.
ON TO THE STORY!
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MayMay was absolutly positivly bored out of her mind. Now that summer school was over, there was nothing to do. She had spent too much time on the Internet and her mum was not happy. "No more Internet for a week!" she decreed.
"But mum! How am I supposed to keep in touch with my friends if I can't be sur Internet?!?" MayMay had protested.
"I want you to find something more intellectual to do this summer. Read a book. Practise your Violin. Call your friends. That's what the telephone is for." said Mum.
"I am reading books! I've read 'Dark Tide 1' by Mike Stackpole and I've re-read 'The New Rebellion' by Kristine Katharyn Rusch! Then I went and re-read 'The Crystal Star' by Vonda McIntyre! I also read 'Vector Prime' by R.A. Salvator! On top of that, I've been reading everybody else's fanfic! I've been doing so much reading this summer, I'm about to go insane!"
"I mean read REAL books." said Mum. "Like, 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell, or 'Flowers for Algernon', or 'Little Women' by Louisa May Alcott."
MayMay sighed. "Honestly, mother. I read 'Little Women' in 3rd grade. Remember? Besides, I'm recovering. Have you forgotten that I spent three weeks this spring reading 'Gone with the Wind' by Margaret Mitchell?"
"Still, I don't want you spending so much time sur Internet. You'll rot your brain. You need some sun." said mum.
So that was how MayMay ended up walking down this street towards the Barnes and Noble bookstore. Being only two blocks away, it was an easy walk to and from MayMay's house to the store. Of course, one had to take in consideration all the little children playing in and around the street, the annoying male teenagers whizzing by going 99 mph on a residential street, or the adult homeowners glaring at her every time she walked by.
As she came around the corner she observed a particularly annoying male teen, around her age, practising his golf swing, rather foolishly, in his front yard. MayMay, in a futile attempt to be polite and neighborly, smiled. "Hello." she called to him.
He didn't hear her. He didn't see her either. 'Fine.' she thought. 'I don't want to talk to him either. He's probably snobby.' She picked up her pace to pass the boy as he began to swing the club again...
CRACK! The golf ball caught MayMay in the back of the head. She turned. "HEY!" She called at the top of her lungs. She barely remembered him calling out an apology before visions of Harrison Ford danced in her head...
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MayMay awoke in a bunk bed. 'Weird,' she thought. 'I don't remember going to bed... I don't even own a bunk bed!' She was quite comfortable... except for that headache. She turned her head, and was startled to see two children watching her, seated on a bunk opposite hers.
"Who are you!?! Why are you watching me?" she demanded.
The boy, who had curly brown hair and brown eyes, answered first. "I'm Jacen. This is my sister Jaina." Jaina had straight brown hair and her eyes matched her brother's. The twins were about five years old.
"Yeah, right. I suppose you're going to tell me that your father is Han Solo. Pah-leeze!" she said. The twins looked at her in disbelief.
"Everybody knows that!" said Jaina. 'This is too weird.' thought MayMay.
"Yeah, sure. Who put you up to this? Did Obsidian Butterfly put you up to this? Where is she?" MayMay asked. "Where'd she dig you two up, anyway?"
"Uh..." Jacen began, but was cut off by his sister.
"Who's Obsidian Butterfly? Is she nice? Does she have candy? Cause, Anakin really likes candy." Jaina stated.
"Oh come on. You can't tell me you don't know Obsidian Butterfly. How much is she paying you to do this?" MayMay said.
Jacen must have decided he'd had enough, because he ran off down the passageway, yelling, "DAD!" Jaina followed.
'What strange children.' MayMay thought. 'Obsidian Butterfly's really going to pay for this. It isn't even funny.' She got up out of the bunk and was immediatly overcome by a bout of dizziness. She grabbed the other bunk for support.
A man looking almost EXACTLY like Harrison Ford came in, and MayMay almost had a heart attack. "Oh My God!" she yelled. "You're-- You're HARRISON FORD!"
"Uh, no, not really." said the man. "My name is Han Solo, and I'm the captain of the ship you're on."
MayMay exploded in laughter. "That is some of the funniest crap I have heard since I bought Monty Python's 'Meaning of Life' two months ago! Get out!" she said, between fits of hysterical laughter.
A woman entered. "Oh good, she's awake." she said, seeing MayMay. "Hello, I'm Leia Organa Solo. You are...?" said the woman, extending a hand to be shaken.
MayMay, still somewhat laughing, shook the lady's hand. "I'm MayMay," she said, "and y'all are loony."
"Perhaps we are." said the woman.
"What are you doing on my ship?" demanded 'Han'.
"I don't know. I just woke up here." MayMay answered.
"Sure ya did."
"I did!"
"Whatever."
"HEY!" yelled 'Leia'. "If I may speak?" Han and MayMay stopped for a moment. "Thank You." said Leia. Her voice took on an icy tone. "Now. I have three questions for you, and I want answers. Serious answers. I want to know exactly who you are, where you came from, and what you were doing before you came on the ship." From her gaze, MayMay could tell that you didn't want to screw with this chick.
She took a breath. "My name is MayMay. I'm from Kansas, America. I was going to the bookstore and then all of a sudden, I was here! I swear it!"
"Yeah, sure ya were." Han said. Leia glared at him, and he shut up.
"Which bookstore?" she asked MayMay.
"Barnes and Noble, by my house."
"And you suddenly found yourself here?"
"Yes ma'am."
"What did you find so amusing when we told you our names?" she asked.
"Oh, please. You can't seriously expect me to believe that you're Leia Organa Solo. I mean, blimey! Leia doesn't really exist. She's ficticious." MayMay replied.
"What do you mean, ficticious? What do you want, birth certificates? We're here, aren't we?" Han asked, this time ignoring the look in his wife's eyes.
"You're not real! You're all imaginary, owned by Lucasfilm! You're all part of a long, drawn out story line!" exclaimed MayMay. She was getting a bad feeling about this...
"By Lucasfilm, do you mean George Lucas?" asked Leia. MayMay nodded.
Leia sighed, and looked at Han. "Oh dear." she said.
"What do you mean, 'Oh dear?'" MayMay said, not sure she wanted to know the answer.
And so the tale began................................
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It was a very blustery day on Coruscant when the Earthman George Lucas arrived. He had absolutly no idea how he had arrived in this huge city. It was larger than New York! The buildings were huge, probably 200+ stories tall. George couldn't believe it.
He was just walking around the city, minding his own business and trying to figure out just what the hell happened. It was all a blur. He had been filming a movie one moment, the next he was here.
George was so caught up in his own thoughts that he walked straight into a loitering Areati. He growled something in a language that hurt George's ears. "Uh, sorry, excuse me..." George said, and hurridly stepped around the creature.
"Nooooooooottt sooooooooooooo faaaaaaaassssssssssssttt!" said the Areati, grabbing George's precious flannel collar. "You caaaaaan't dooooooooo thhaaat!" He threw George almost fifty feet into a pile of public trash cans. "Iiii'll teaaach youuuuuuu to messssss wiith meeeeee!" said the Areati, and was immediatly on top of George, beating the crap out of him.
A few minutes later some friendly police officers escorted a bleeding George and a stunned Areati in a not-so-friendly way towards a not-so-friendly police transport, which in turn deposited them in front of a not-so-friendly police station. Five minutes later both George and the Areati were sitting in a not-so-friendly interrogating room, listening to a not-so-friendly lecture by a not-so-friendly friendly police detective.
She was humanoid, about five feet tall, and very angry. "I can't believe you people!" she shouted. "You'd think we were still run by the Empire! Let me tell you, Leia Organa, the fine councilwoman, did NOT risk her life so you terds could hold a public brawl on the streets of Coruscant! What are your names?" she demanded.
The Areati spoke first. He warbled a name in the same language that still hurt George's ears. "Spell it." said the detective, taking out a complicated-looking police form and a pen.
When the Areati was finished, the detective turned to George. "Name?" she said gruffly.
"George Lucas."
"Planet of Origin?"
"Earth."
She stopped a moment. "Look you, we're very busy here. Our fine Jedi Knight, Luke Skywalker, did NOT risk his life so you could pull this crap in my interrogating room!" she said. "Planet of Origin!"
"I'm telling you, Earth!" George said. He was getting very frustrated now.
"Listen. We're not stupid. Everybody knows there is no planet called Earth anywhere in this galaxy. If you pull this again I'll have to throw you in lockdown." said the detective.
George reached in the pocket of his pants and removed his billfold. He removed his very valid California Driver's License and some very valid American dollars. He laid them on the table in front of the detective. "See?" he asked her. "Proof of Identity. I am George Lucas, a resident of California, America, Earth."
The detective fingered the driver's license. She then shifted her gaze to the green paper money laid on the table in front of her. "Droid!" she yelled. An overworked, out-of-date droid shuffled in. "Take this Areati down to the street and release him. Then run the names on this card through the computer and tell me what you find."
Hours later, a very tired George Lucas was again confronted by the detective. She looked very sheepish this time. George decided he liked her better sheepish than angry. She returned his driver's license. "Uh, sir... there is no place in the entire galaxy by the names of Los Angeles or Cal...Cali... Cal-i-for-nia. We sincerely apologise."
George placed his license in his billfold. "Thank you." he said, exhausted. "Now may I go?"
"Well, sir, our scientists want to ask you a few questions first. Right this way, if you don't mind."
George, who did mind very much but was too tired to argue, followed her down the hallway.
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"Wait, wait, wait." MayMay said. C-3PO stuttered to a halt.
"But, Mistress MayMay, I was right in the middle of the story. Don't you want to hear the end?" said the golden droid.
"Yeah, sure, but slow down. You mean to tell me that George Lucas visited the REAL Star Wars galaxy? It's all REAL?" exclaimed MayMay.
"Why, of course madam. However, I hear some of Master George's tale is exaggerated, such as---"
"Can it, Threepio." said Han, who had been half-heartedly listening from across the lounge.
Leia stretched. She tossed aside the book she had been reading. "So MayMay, how many worlds have you visited?"
"Uh... none."
"None?" asked Jacen in disbelief. "I'm only five, and I've been to..." he stopped, and counted his fingers. When he ran out of fingers, he pulled off his shoes and socks and counted his toes. When he ran out of toes, he counted Jaina's fingers and toes. Still, there wasn't enough. "I've been to a bunch." he said.
"I've been to more!" said Anakin, between bites of a snickers bar MayMay had been carrying in her purse.
"Have not!" said Jacen.
"Have so!"
"Have not!"
"Boys!" said Leia. "Go on, Theepio."
"Have so." said Anakin under his breath.
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"So, you're our famous Earthman." said Leia Organa to George Lucas.
"Yes ma'am." he answered. He'd been here three days and had been interviewed by representitives from more media organisations than he cared to think about.
"How much do you know about us?" she asked.
"Uh... nothing, really." he said.
"Do you know of the Empire?"
"Which one?" asked George.
"What do you mean, which one?" asked Leia, horrified at the thought of more than one Galactic Empire.
"The Brittish Empire, or the Chinese Empire, or Napolean's Empire, or the Russian Empire, or what?" asked George.
"No, no, no," said Leia. "THE Empire. The Galactic Empire."
"I guess not." answered George, a little embarrassed at his naming every empire on Earth.
"I guess that means you're not a spy."
"Madam, I wouldn't know what to look for. Like I told the scientists, I'm a filmmaker. I'm making a movie. I was just standing by the pool when I was hit on the head by Harrison Ford and the other actors who were throwing things from their hotel balcony. When I woke up I was wandering around your city."
"Movie? You mean holofilm?" asked Leia.
"Yeah I guess you could call it that." answered George.
"What is it called?" asked Leia.
"It's called 'American Graffiti', it's about a bunch of young people in the early Sixties."
"The sixties? What are the sixties?" Leia asked him, a bit puzzled.
"Oh, sorry. The Sixties are a time period on Earth, from 1960 to 1969." answered George.
"And what year is it now, Earthman?"
"Ninteen seventy-two."
Leia nodded. "So. Let me tell you about us." She proceeded to recount the entire history of the Rebellion, from A-Z, and then some junk about the New Republic.
George was fascinated. "I can't wait to tell people on Earth!" he said.
"Just how do you plan on getting back?" asked a man who had entered midway through Leia's account. Han, his name was.
They all thought in silence. "Maybe..." began Leia. "No."
More silence. "How about..." Han started, then, "No."
More silence. "Hey! He said he got here when he was hit on the head by a Harrisonford and some Actors. Maybe if we found a Harrisonford and some holofilm actors to come hit him on the head, then he'd return to Earth the same way he came." said Han.
"It might just work! Where do you find these Harrisonfords? What planet are they from?" asked Leia.
"No, no, no, you have it all wrong." George said, frustrated. "Harrison Ford isn't a species, he's an actor in my movie."
"Oh." said Leia.
"Oh." said Han.
"But maybe some actors could smack him around a couple of times, and see what happens." said Han.
The next thing George knew, he was being assaulted by a group of multi-species actors who did not seem happy by their present, unemployed status.
"It's not working." said Leia. "What else do you have in mind?" she asked Han.
He shrugged. "I dunno-- maybe Luke has an idea."
So they all went to see Luke, who appeared just as dumbfounded as Han and Leia were.
Having gained absolutly nothing from his meeting with the esteemed councilwoman of the New Republic, George returned to the bed he had been assigned at the Scientific Research Institute for a good night's rest.
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"That's where the story ends." said Han, from the gaming table where he played a game of Sabacc with Chewie.
Threepio, miffed at being interrupted, began, "Actually, sir--"
"Who wants dessert?" asked Leia, as she made her way to the galley to dish up the pudding she had made.
"ME!" yelled the kids in unison.
"ME!" yelled Han.
Chewie growled the Wookie equivalant of "ME!"
Threepio said, "I'm not finished!"
"Do you have any more candy?" Jaina asked MayMay. MayMay gave her a peppermint she got at a mexican restaurant three weeks ago.
"I won!" said Han.
Chewie growled.
"I did not cheat!" yelled Han.
"There's more!" said Threepio.
Chewie growled again, at length and sounding very angry.
"Look. I won, perfectly fair." Han said, showing Chewie his cards.
Leia returned with the pudding. It was a greenish-blue color and quite hard. It looked more like colored concrete than pudding, at least to MayMay.
The family sat in silence for a while, trying to crack the hard stuff in their bowls.
After a while, Jacen asked, "Mom, what is this?"
"Pudding." Leia answered.
"Are you sure?" asked Han.
"Yes!" exclaimed Leia.
"There's still more!" said Threepio.
MayMay didn't say anything. She finally cracked the stuff and got a few crumbs into her spoon. She didn't want to eat it, but she didn't want to be impolite, so she put the flakes into her mouth. Pain shot through her jaws as she chewed. 'Oh crap.' she thought. She spit the stuff into her bowl and along with it came three brackets from her braces.
"I'm so sorry." she said, embarrassed. Here these people had offered her food and she'd spit it out. Han laughed.
"It's okay, we never eat anything Leia cooks. Not regularly anyway." he said. Leia threw her book at him.
"It's not like I had time to learn to cook! Goodness, you should give me credit for trying." said Leia.
"Is anybody listening to me?" said Threepio.
"Well, maybe I didn't exactly follow the recipe..." said Leia.
"I'll say." Han commented.
"Heeeeellllloooooooooooo..." said Threepio.
"Maybe you should try adding liquid next time." said Han
"Anybody?" said Threepio.
"Shutup Han. I'm doing my best." Leia said.
"I don't believe this. I'm being ignored. My usefullness has passed. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow finds me in the scrap heap for unwanted droids. Me, a hero of the Rebellion!" Threepio mourned.
"I'm sorry Threepio, were you saying something?" Han asked.
"Why indeed sir, I meant to tell you that there is more to the story."
"What story?"
"The one I was just telling, sir."
"Oh, I'm sorry, were you telling a story?"
"But of course sir! For the last hour and a half, I have been telling the story of Master George Lucas!"
"Oh." said Han. "I didn't even notice."
Threepio appeared as perplexed as any droid could appear. "But sir..."
Alarms sounded from the cockpit. Chewie growled. "Right." said Han, cutting Threepio off. "We're almost there."
"Cool." said Leia.
"Almost where?" asked MayMay, feeling lost.
"Yavin IV. We're taking you to see Luke. Maybe he can help you get back." Leia answered.
"Madam, I believe Mistress MayMay can find the key to her return in the end of my story..." said Threepio.
Leia and the children followed Han and Chewie towards the cockpit, leaving MayMay alone in the lounge with Threepio.
"Really, Mistress MayMay, I do believe they've forgotten me." Threepio moaned.
"No, I don't think they've forgotten you. At least they keep you around for the New Jedi Order books." MayMay answered.
"Really? Oh my, I do believe I've found a meaning for life. As I was saying, I believe the key to your return to Earth can be found in the end of my tale." said Threepio.
"But Han said your story was over."
"Oh, madam, he's wrong. You see, Master Lucas found a way home and Master Han and Mistress Leia, or even Master Luke for that matter, doesn't know about it." Threepio said.
"Really?" asked MayMay.
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"I won."
George starred at his cards. He sighed. "How much have you won now?" he asked the young Parnithian sitting across from him.
The man looked at his tally sheet. "Uh... two and a half American dollars. Pay up." George counted the change and handed it across the table. The Parnithian-- Adrick-- was a student in the laboratory where George was staying. Adrick was teaching George to play Sabacc, while George was teaching Adrick to play Poker. It was hard, because George had to make his own deck of cards from scrap paper he found laying in the lounge. After draining Adrick of nearly two hundred credits at Poker, they'd switched to Sabacc, and George had lost most of his spare change.
Another student entered the room. "Hey, Adrick!" he said. "There's someone here to see George. Professor says to take him to the lecture hall."
Adrick sighed. "Sorry I can't win more of your money, George." he said. George collected his cards while Adrick counted his winnings.
"That's alright. Gotta save some for bus fare." he answered.
"What?" asked Adrick.
"Nevermind."
They walked through the halls of the institute until they found the particular lecture hall the professor had been referring to. The professor was at the front with a beautiful woman. "Hello, George. I believe I can help you." she said.
"If you will excuse us, Adrick..." said the professor, motioning towards the door. Adrick left.
"Now, let's get down to business. George Lucas, Earthman, I'd like you to meet Glenda the Good, of Oz."
"You've got to be kidding me." said George. "Or I've lost it. Or possibly both." George marveled at her sparkling pink gown and tall white crown.
"Oh, no my dear, I'm very real. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" asked Glenda.
"Somebody wake me up." said George.
Suddenly he got his wish. He was no longer standing in a lecture hall at the Scientific Research Institute on Coruscant, but he was lying by the swimming pool of the very same hotel that was housing the actors for his new movie, 'American Graffiti,' on the planet Earth.
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"So, you mean I need to find Glenda the Good of Oz to get back home? Did you blow a circut or something?" MayMay asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry madam, but I believe nobody ever saw Glenda the Good ever again." said Threepio.
"Except Dorothy and Toto." said MayMay, heavy on the sarcasm.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Nothing." MayMay rose from her seat and made her way to the cockpit to watch what was going on.
They were cruising over a beautiful jungle. In the distance MayMay could see a large stone building. "Is that where we're going?" she asked.
"Yep." said Leia.
A few minutes later they had landed. They were greeted by none other than Luke Skywalker himself.
"Hey!" he said. "What's up?"
"She's what's up." said Han, pointing at MayMay. "Remember George Lucas?"
"Hmmm... George Lucas... Oh! You mean the guy with the beard and the flannel, who came from Earth?" asked Luke. Han nodded.
"Well, this chick is in the same predicament. We were wondering if you could help her." asked Leia.
"Uh, no can do. I'm off to the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda, to eat some Blancmanges." Luke answered.
"What?" asked Leia and Han simultaneously.
"Gotta go. See ya later." said Luke, as he climbed into his X-Wing and flew away.
MayMay had never felt so helpless in her life.
"Well." said Han.
"Well." said Leia.
"What are we going to do about her?" asked Han.
"I don't know. That's your problem. I'm leaving you." said Leia.
"Thank Gods!" exclaimed Han. "I thought I'd never get rid of you!"
Leia climbed into the Millennium Falcon and left.
"Chewie... I think we're screwed... she just stole my ship!" said Han. Chewie roared something. "Aw, what the hell. I never liked that bucket of bolts anyway." said Han. "It was always falling apart."
He and Chewie disappeared into the jungle, each voicing their complaints about the Falcon.
This left MayMay alone with the three children.
"Do you have any candy?" asked Jacen.
MayMay gave him some melted M&M's that she scrapped off the bottom of her purse.
"You're boring." said Anakin.
"I'm running away." said Jaina.
"Got any candy?" asked Jacen.
"How am I going to get home!?!" exclaimed MayMay.
"I don't know. Candy! NOW!" yelled Jacen.
"FEED ME!" yelled Anakin.
"Maybe I should just tap my heels and say, 'there's no place like home.'" said MayMay.
"What?" asked the children.
"Nothing."
"CANDY!" yelled Jacen.
"YOU'RE BORING!" yelled Anakin.
"I HATE YOU!" yelled Jaina.
They all left her standing alone in front of the giant Jedi Academy. 'Great. Just great.' she thought. Feeling incredibly stupid, she actually slapped her heels together.
"There's no place like home... There's no place like home... There's no place like home..."
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"Hello? Hello? Oh my goodness, I killed her!"
MayMay slowly opened her eyes. The golfer boy was standing over her, looking quite worried.
"Oh, good, you're awake! Say something!" said golferdude.
MayMay tried to remember what happened... but all she could think about was her adventure...
"Where am I?" she said, weakly.
"You're in my yard. I hit you with a golf ball. I'm so sorry!" he said.
"But... Where's the Jedi Academy?"
"What?"
"You know! The... the..." she came to a halt as she noticed the confusion on her face. "Oh, nevermind. Who are you?"
"I'm Jason Soloman."
For a brief moment MayMay thought he was kidding. She began to laugh, but then realised he was serious. "Oh. You don't happen to be a Star Wars fan, are you?"
"Are you kidding? I have every SW book ever written!" said Jason.
"Well, then, Jason Soloman, if you can refrain from hitting me in the head with golf balls, maybe we can get together sometime."
"Sounds great." he said. He helped her up.
"Well, I better go... thanks Jason."
"No prob." he answered.
She turned to leave. Halfway across his yard, she turned. "Hey Jason?" she called.
"Yeah?"
"If you ever find yourself deposited in a different galaxy, don't feed the Solo kids. They all turn against you."
"What?"
"Nothing." she said, grinnng.
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If you loved it, please review it. If you hated it, please review it. If you just don't know, review it anyway. However, please try to be constructive in your criticism.
MERCI BEAUCOUP!
Also, I need serious help. Stop laughing! I don't mean the mental kind of help. I am wanting to do a Gaeriel fic, but I can't for the life of me remember the name of her daughter from the Corellian trilogy. If any of my friends out there can remember, please tell me! thanks a mill!
Huge Major Plug: Go off and read Obsidian Butterfly's stories. K? Now. Go. Wait! finish my story first.
ON TO THE STORY!
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MayMay was absolutly positivly bored out of her mind. Now that summer school was over, there was nothing to do. She had spent too much time on the Internet and her mum was not happy. "No more Internet for a week!" she decreed.
"But mum! How am I supposed to keep in touch with my friends if I can't be sur Internet?!?" MayMay had protested.
"I want you to find something more intellectual to do this summer. Read a book. Practise your Violin. Call your friends. That's what the telephone is for." said Mum.
"I am reading books! I've read 'Dark Tide 1' by Mike Stackpole and I've re-read 'The New Rebellion' by Kristine Katharyn Rusch! Then I went and re-read 'The Crystal Star' by Vonda McIntyre! I also read 'Vector Prime' by R.A. Salvator! On top of that, I've been reading everybody else's fanfic! I've been doing so much reading this summer, I'm about to go insane!"
"I mean read REAL books." said Mum. "Like, 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell, or 'Flowers for Algernon', or 'Little Women' by Louisa May Alcott."
MayMay sighed. "Honestly, mother. I read 'Little Women' in 3rd grade. Remember? Besides, I'm recovering. Have you forgotten that I spent three weeks this spring reading 'Gone with the Wind' by Margaret Mitchell?"
"Still, I don't want you spending so much time sur Internet. You'll rot your brain. You need some sun." said mum.
So that was how MayMay ended up walking down this street towards the Barnes and Noble bookstore. Being only two blocks away, it was an easy walk to and from MayMay's house to the store. Of course, one had to take in consideration all the little children playing in and around the street, the annoying male teenagers whizzing by going 99 mph on a residential street, or the adult homeowners glaring at her every time she walked by.
As she came around the corner she observed a particularly annoying male teen, around her age, practising his golf swing, rather foolishly, in his front yard. MayMay, in a futile attempt to be polite and neighborly, smiled. "Hello." she called to him.
He didn't hear her. He didn't see her either. 'Fine.' she thought. 'I don't want to talk to him either. He's probably snobby.' She picked up her pace to pass the boy as he began to swing the club again...
CRACK! The golf ball caught MayMay in the back of the head. She turned. "HEY!" She called at the top of her lungs. She barely remembered him calling out an apology before visions of Harrison Ford danced in her head...
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MayMay awoke in a bunk bed. 'Weird,' she thought. 'I don't remember going to bed... I don't even own a bunk bed!' She was quite comfortable... except for that headache. She turned her head, and was startled to see two children watching her, seated on a bunk opposite hers.
"Who are you!?! Why are you watching me?" she demanded.
The boy, who had curly brown hair and brown eyes, answered first. "I'm Jacen. This is my sister Jaina." Jaina had straight brown hair and her eyes matched her brother's. The twins were about five years old.
"Yeah, right. I suppose you're going to tell me that your father is Han Solo. Pah-leeze!" she said. The twins looked at her in disbelief.
"Everybody knows that!" said Jaina. 'This is too weird.' thought MayMay.
"Yeah, sure. Who put you up to this? Did Obsidian Butterfly put you up to this? Where is she?" MayMay asked. "Where'd she dig you two up, anyway?"
"Uh..." Jacen began, but was cut off by his sister.
"Who's Obsidian Butterfly? Is she nice? Does she have candy? Cause, Anakin really likes candy." Jaina stated.
"Oh come on. You can't tell me you don't know Obsidian Butterfly. How much is she paying you to do this?" MayMay said.
Jacen must have decided he'd had enough, because he ran off down the passageway, yelling, "DAD!" Jaina followed.
'What strange children.' MayMay thought. 'Obsidian Butterfly's really going to pay for this. It isn't even funny.' She got up out of the bunk and was immediatly overcome by a bout of dizziness. She grabbed the other bunk for support.
A man looking almost EXACTLY like Harrison Ford came in, and MayMay almost had a heart attack. "Oh My God!" she yelled. "You're-- You're HARRISON FORD!"
"Uh, no, not really." said the man. "My name is Han Solo, and I'm the captain of the ship you're on."
MayMay exploded in laughter. "That is some of the funniest crap I have heard since I bought Monty Python's 'Meaning of Life' two months ago! Get out!" she said, between fits of hysterical laughter.
A woman entered. "Oh good, she's awake." she said, seeing MayMay. "Hello, I'm Leia Organa Solo. You are...?" said the woman, extending a hand to be shaken.
MayMay, still somewhat laughing, shook the lady's hand. "I'm MayMay," she said, "and y'all are loony."
"Perhaps we are." said the woman.
"What are you doing on my ship?" demanded 'Han'.
"I don't know. I just woke up here." MayMay answered.
"Sure ya did."
"I did!"
"Whatever."
"HEY!" yelled 'Leia'. "If I may speak?" Han and MayMay stopped for a moment. "Thank You." said Leia. Her voice took on an icy tone. "Now. I have three questions for you, and I want answers. Serious answers. I want to know exactly who you are, where you came from, and what you were doing before you came on the ship." From her gaze, MayMay could tell that you didn't want to screw with this chick.
She took a breath. "My name is MayMay. I'm from Kansas, America. I was going to the bookstore and then all of a sudden, I was here! I swear it!"
"Yeah, sure ya were." Han said. Leia glared at him, and he shut up.
"Which bookstore?" she asked MayMay.
"Barnes and Noble, by my house."
"And you suddenly found yourself here?"
"Yes ma'am."
"What did you find so amusing when we told you our names?" she asked.
"Oh, please. You can't seriously expect me to believe that you're Leia Organa Solo. I mean, blimey! Leia doesn't really exist. She's ficticious." MayMay replied.
"What do you mean, ficticious? What do you want, birth certificates? We're here, aren't we?" Han asked, this time ignoring the look in his wife's eyes.
"You're not real! You're all imaginary, owned by Lucasfilm! You're all part of a long, drawn out story line!" exclaimed MayMay. She was getting a bad feeling about this...
"By Lucasfilm, do you mean George Lucas?" asked Leia. MayMay nodded.
Leia sighed, and looked at Han. "Oh dear." she said.
"What do you mean, 'Oh dear?'" MayMay said, not sure she wanted to know the answer.
And so the tale began................................
************************************************************************************************************************
It was a very blustery day on Coruscant when the Earthman George Lucas arrived. He had absolutly no idea how he had arrived in this huge city. It was larger than New York! The buildings were huge, probably 200+ stories tall. George couldn't believe it.
He was just walking around the city, minding his own business and trying to figure out just what the hell happened. It was all a blur. He had been filming a movie one moment, the next he was here.
George was so caught up in his own thoughts that he walked straight into a loitering Areati. He growled something in a language that hurt George's ears. "Uh, sorry, excuse me..." George said, and hurridly stepped around the creature.
"Nooooooooottt sooooooooooooo faaaaaaaassssssssssssttt!" said the Areati, grabbing George's precious flannel collar. "You caaaaaan't dooooooooo thhaaat!" He threw George almost fifty feet into a pile of public trash cans. "Iiii'll teaaach youuuuuuu to messssss wiith meeeeee!" said the Areati, and was immediatly on top of George, beating the crap out of him.
A few minutes later some friendly police officers escorted a bleeding George and a stunned Areati in a not-so-friendly way towards a not-so-friendly police transport, which in turn deposited them in front of a not-so-friendly police station. Five minutes later both George and the Areati were sitting in a not-so-friendly interrogating room, listening to a not-so-friendly lecture by a not-so-friendly friendly police detective.
She was humanoid, about five feet tall, and very angry. "I can't believe you people!" she shouted. "You'd think we were still run by the Empire! Let me tell you, Leia Organa, the fine councilwoman, did NOT risk her life so you terds could hold a public brawl on the streets of Coruscant! What are your names?" she demanded.
The Areati spoke first. He warbled a name in the same language that still hurt George's ears. "Spell it." said the detective, taking out a complicated-looking police form and a pen.
When the Areati was finished, the detective turned to George. "Name?" she said gruffly.
"George Lucas."
"Planet of Origin?"
"Earth."
She stopped a moment. "Look you, we're very busy here. Our fine Jedi Knight, Luke Skywalker, did NOT risk his life so you could pull this crap in my interrogating room!" she said. "Planet of Origin!"
"I'm telling you, Earth!" George said. He was getting very frustrated now.
"Listen. We're not stupid. Everybody knows there is no planet called Earth anywhere in this galaxy. If you pull this again I'll have to throw you in lockdown." said the detective.
George reached in the pocket of his pants and removed his billfold. He removed his very valid California Driver's License and some very valid American dollars. He laid them on the table in front of the detective. "See?" he asked her. "Proof of Identity. I am George Lucas, a resident of California, America, Earth."
The detective fingered the driver's license. She then shifted her gaze to the green paper money laid on the table in front of her. "Droid!" she yelled. An overworked, out-of-date droid shuffled in. "Take this Areati down to the street and release him. Then run the names on this card through the computer and tell me what you find."
Hours later, a very tired George Lucas was again confronted by the detective. She looked very sheepish this time. George decided he liked her better sheepish than angry. She returned his driver's license. "Uh, sir... there is no place in the entire galaxy by the names of Los Angeles or Cal...Cali... Cal-i-for-nia. We sincerely apologise."
George placed his license in his billfold. "Thank you." he said, exhausted. "Now may I go?"
"Well, sir, our scientists want to ask you a few questions first. Right this way, if you don't mind."
George, who did mind very much but was too tired to argue, followed her down the hallway.
*************************************************************************************************************************
"Wait, wait, wait." MayMay said. C-3PO stuttered to a halt.
"But, Mistress MayMay, I was right in the middle of the story. Don't you want to hear the end?" said the golden droid.
"Yeah, sure, but slow down. You mean to tell me that George Lucas visited the REAL Star Wars galaxy? It's all REAL?" exclaimed MayMay.
"Why, of course madam. However, I hear some of Master George's tale is exaggerated, such as---"
"Can it, Threepio." said Han, who had been half-heartedly listening from across the lounge.
Leia stretched. She tossed aside the book she had been reading. "So MayMay, how many worlds have you visited?"
"Uh... none."
"None?" asked Jacen in disbelief. "I'm only five, and I've been to..." he stopped, and counted his fingers. When he ran out of fingers, he pulled off his shoes and socks and counted his toes. When he ran out of toes, he counted Jaina's fingers and toes. Still, there wasn't enough. "I've been to a bunch." he said.
"I've been to more!" said Anakin, between bites of a snickers bar MayMay had been carrying in her purse.
"Have not!" said Jacen.
"Have so!"
"Have not!"
"Boys!" said Leia. "Go on, Theepio."
"Have so." said Anakin under his breath.
************************************************************************************************************************
"So, you're our famous Earthman." said Leia Organa to George Lucas.
"Yes ma'am." he answered. He'd been here three days and had been interviewed by representitives from more media organisations than he cared to think about.
"How much do you know about us?" she asked.
"Uh... nothing, really." he said.
"Do you know of the Empire?"
"Which one?" asked George.
"What do you mean, which one?" asked Leia, horrified at the thought of more than one Galactic Empire.
"The Brittish Empire, or the Chinese Empire, or Napolean's Empire, or the Russian Empire, or what?" asked George.
"No, no, no," said Leia. "THE Empire. The Galactic Empire."
"I guess not." answered George, a little embarrassed at his naming every empire on Earth.
"I guess that means you're not a spy."
"Madam, I wouldn't know what to look for. Like I told the scientists, I'm a filmmaker. I'm making a movie. I was just standing by the pool when I was hit on the head by Harrison Ford and the other actors who were throwing things from their hotel balcony. When I woke up I was wandering around your city."
"Movie? You mean holofilm?" asked Leia.
"Yeah I guess you could call it that." answered George.
"What is it called?" asked Leia.
"It's called 'American Graffiti', it's about a bunch of young people in the early Sixties."
"The sixties? What are the sixties?" Leia asked him, a bit puzzled.
"Oh, sorry. The Sixties are a time period on Earth, from 1960 to 1969." answered George.
"And what year is it now, Earthman?"
"Ninteen seventy-two."
Leia nodded. "So. Let me tell you about us." She proceeded to recount the entire history of the Rebellion, from A-Z, and then some junk about the New Republic.
George was fascinated. "I can't wait to tell people on Earth!" he said.
"Just how do you plan on getting back?" asked a man who had entered midway through Leia's account. Han, his name was.
They all thought in silence. "Maybe..." began Leia. "No."
More silence. "How about..." Han started, then, "No."
More silence. "Hey! He said he got here when he was hit on the head by a Harrisonford and some Actors. Maybe if we found a Harrisonford and some holofilm actors to come hit him on the head, then he'd return to Earth the same way he came." said Han.
"It might just work! Where do you find these Harrisonfords? What planet are they from?" asked Leia.
"No, no, no, you have it all wrong." George said, frustrated. "Harrison Ford isn't a species, he's an actor in my movie."
"Oh." said Leia.
"Oh." said Han.
"But maybe some actors could smack him around a couple of times, and see what happens." said Han.
The next thing George knew, he was being assaulted by a group of multi-species actors who did not seem happy by their present, unemployed status.
"It's not working." said Leia. "What else do you have in mind?" she asked Han.
He shrugged. "I dunno-- maybe Luke has an idea."
So they all went to see Luke, who appeared just as dumbfounded as Han and Leia were.
Having gained absolutly nothing from his meeting with the esteemed councilwoman of the New Republic, George returned to the bed he had been assigned at the Scientific Research Institute for a good night's rest.
***************************************************************************************************************************
"That's where the story ends." said Han, from the gaming table where he played a game of Sabacc with Chewie.
Threepio, miffed at being interrupted, began, "Actually, sir--"
"Who wants dessert?" asked Leia, as she made her way to the galley to dish up the pudding she had made.
"ME!" yelled the kids in unison.
"ME!" yelled Han.
Chewie growled the Wookie equivalant of "ME!"
Threepio said, "I'm not finished!"
"Do you have any more candy?" Jaina asked MayMay. MayMay gave her a peppermint she got at a mexican restaurant three weeks ago.
"I won!" said Han.
Chewie growled.
"I did not cheat!" yelled Han.
"There's more!" said Threepio.
Chewie growled again, at length and sounding very angry.
"Look. I won, perfectly fair." Han said, showing Chewie his cards.
Leia returned with the pudding. It was a greenish-blue color and quite hard. It looked more like colored concrete than pudding, at least to MayMay.
The family sat in silence for a while, trying to crack the hard stuff in their bowls.
After a while, Jacen asked, "Mom, what is this?"
"Pudding." Leia answered.
"Are you sure?" asked Han.
"Yes!" exclaimed Leia.
"There's still more!" said Threepio.
MayMay didn't say anything. She finally cracked the stuff and got a few crumbs into her spoon. She didn't want to eat it, but she didn't want to be impolite, so she put the flakes into her mouth. Pain shot through her jaws as she chewed. 'Oh crap.' she thought. She spit the stuff into her bowl and along with it came three brackets from her braces.
"I'm so sorry." she said, embarrassed. Here these people had offered her food and she'd spit it out. Han laughed.
"It's okay, we never eat anything Leia cooks. Not regularly anyway." he said. Leia threw her book at him.
"It's not like I had time to learn to cook! Goodness, you should give me credit for trying." said Leia.
"Is anybody listening to me?" said Threepio.
"Well, maybe I didn't exactly follow the recipe..." said Leia.
"I'll say." Han commented.
"Heeeeellllloooooooooooo..." said Threepio.
"Maybe you should try adding liquid next time." said Han
"Anybody?" said Threepio.
"Shutup Han. I'm doing my best." Leia said.
"I don't believe this. I'm being ignored. My usefullness has passed. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow finds me in the scrap heap for unwanted droids. Me, a hero of the Rebellion!" Threepio mourned.
"I'm sorry Threepio, were you saying something?" Han asked.
"Why indeed sir, I meant to tell you that there is more to the story."
"What story?"
"The one I was just telling, sir."
"Oh, I'm sorry, were you telling a story?"
"But of course sir! For the last hour and a half, I have been telling the story of Master George Lucas!"
"Oh." said Han. "I didn't even notice."
Threepio appeared as perplexed as any droid could appear. "But sir..."
Alarms sounded from the cockpit. Chewie growled. "Right." said Han, cutting Threepio off. "We're almost there."
"Cool." said Leia.
"Almost where?" asked MayMay, feeling lost.
"Yavin IV. We're taking you to see Luke. Maybe he can help you get back." Leia answered.
"Madam, I believe Mistress MayMay can find the key to her return in the end of my story..." said Threepio.
Leia and the children followed Han and Chewie towards the cockpit, leaving MayMay alone in the lounge with Threepio.
"Really, Mistress MayMay, I do believe they've forgotten me." Threepio moaned.
"No, I don't think they've forgotten you. At least they keep you around for the New Jedi Order books." MayMay answered.
"Really? Oh my, I do believe I've found a meaning for life. As I was saying, I believe the key to your return to Earth can be found in the end of my tale." said Threepio.
"But Han said your story was over."
"Oh, madam, he's wrong. You see, Master Lucas found a way home and Master Han and Mistress Leia, or even Master Luke for that matter, doesn't know about it." Threepio said.
"Really?" asked MayMay.
******************************************************************************************************************************
"I won."
George starred at his cards. He sighed. "How much have you won now?" he asked the young Parnithian sitting across from him.
The man looked at his tally sheet. "Uh... two and a half American dollars. Pay up." George counted the change and handed it across the table. The Parnithian-- Adrick-- was a student in the laboratory where George was staying. Adrick was teaching George to play Sabacc, while George was teaching Adrick to play Poker. It was hard, because George had to make his own deck of cards from scrap paper he found laying in the lounge. After draining Adrick of nearly two hundred credits at Poker, they'd switched to Sabacc, and George had lost most of his spare change.
Another student entered the room. "Hey, Adrick!" he said. "There's someone here to see George. Professor says to take him to the lecture hall."
Adrick sighed. "Sorry I can't win more of your money, George." he said. George collected his cards while Adrick counted his winnings.
"That's alright. Gotta save some for bus fare." he answered.
"What?" asked Adrick.
"Nevermind."
They walked through the halls of the institute until they found the particular lecture hall the professor had been referring to. The professor was at the front with a beautiful woman. "Hello, George. I believe I can help you." she said.
"If you will excuse us, Adrick..." said the professor, motioning towards the door. Adrick left.
"Now, let's get down to business. George Lucas, Earthman, I'd like you to meet Glenda the Good, of Oz."
"You've got to be kidding me." said George. "Or I've lost it. Or possibly both." George marveled at her sparkling pink gown and tall white crown.
"Oh, no my dear, I'm very real. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" asked Glenda.
"Somebody wake me up." said George.
Suddenly he got his wish. He was no longer standing in a lecture hall at the Scientific Research Institute on Coruscant, but he was lying by the swimming pool of the very same hotel that was housing the actors for his new movie, 'American Graffiti,' on the planet Earth.
*******************************************************************************************************************************
"So, you mean I need to find Glenda the Good of Oz to get back home? Did you blow a circut or something?" MayMay asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry madam, but I believe nobody ever saw Glenda the Good ever again." said Threepio.
"Except Dorothy and Toto." said MayMay, heavy on the sarcasm.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Nothing." MayMay rose from her seat and made her way to the cockpit to watch what was going on.
They were cruising over a beautiful jungle. In the distance MayMay could see a large stone building. "Is that where we're going?" she asked.
"Yep." said Leia.
A few minutes later they had landed. They were greeted by none other than Luke Skywalker himself.
"Hey!" he said. "What's up?"
"She's what's up." said Han, pointing at MayMay. "Remember George Lucas?"
"Hmmm... George Lucas... Oh! You mean the guy with the beard and the flannel, who came from Earth?" asked Luke. Han nodded.
"Well, this chick is in the same predicament. We were wondering if you could help her." asked Leia.
"Uh, no can do. I'm off to the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda, to eat some Blancmanges." Luke answered.
"What?" asked Leia and Han simultaneously.
"Gotta go. See ya later." said Luke, as he climbed into his X-Wing and flew away.
MayMay had never felt so helpless in her life.
"Well." said Han.
"Well." said Leia.
"What are we going to do about her?" asked Han.
"I don't know. That's your problem. I'm leaving you." said Leia.
"Thank Gods!" exclaimed Han. "I thought I'd never get rid of you!"
Leia climbed into the Millennium Falcon and left.
"Chewie... I think we're screwed... she just stole my ship!" said Han. Chewie roared something. "Aw, what the hell. I never liked that bucket of bolts anyway." said Han. "It was always falling apart."
He and Chewie disappeared into the jungle, each voicing their complaints about the Falcon.
This left MayMay alone with the three children.
"Do you have any candy?" asked Jacen.
MayMay gave him some melted M&M's that she scrapped off the bottom of her purse.
"You're boring." said Anakin.
"I'm running away." said Jaina.
"Got any candy?" asked Jacen.
"How am I going to get home!?!" exclaimed MayMay.
"I don't know. Candy! NOW!" yelled Jacen.
"FEED ME!" yelled Anakin.
"Maybe I should just tap my heels and say, 'there's no place like home.'" said MayMay.
"What?" asked the children.
"Nothing."
"CANDY!" yelled Jacen.
"YOU'RE BORING!" yelled Anakin.
"I HATE YOU!" yelled Jaina.
They all left her standing alone in front of the giant Jedi Academy. 'Great. Just great.' she thought. Feeling incredibly stupid, she actually slapped her heels together.
"There's no place like home... There's no place like home... There's no place like home..."
==========================================================================================================================
"Hello? Hello? Oh my goodness, I killed her!"
MayMay slowly opened her eyes. The golfer boy was standing over her, looking quite worried.
"Oh, good, you're awake! Say something!" said golferdude.
MayMay tried to remember what happened... but all she could think about was her adventure...
"Where am I?" she said, weakly.
"You're in my yard. I hit you with a golf ball. I'm so sorry!" he said.
"But... Where's the Jedi Academy?"
"What?"
"You know! The... the..." she came to a halt as she noticed the confusion on her face. "Oh, nevermind. Who are you?"
"I'm Jason Soloman."
For a brief moment MayMay thought he was kidding. She began to laugh, but then realised he was serious. "Oh. You don't happen to be a Star Wars fan, are you?"
"Are you kidding? I have every SW book ever written!" said Jason.
"Well, then, Jason Soloman, if you can refrain from hitting me in the head with golf balls, maybe we can get together sometime."
"Sounds great." he said. He helped her up.
"Well, I better go... thanks Jason."
"No prob." he answered.
She turned to leave. Halfway across his yard, she turned. "Hey Jason?" she called.
"Yeah?"
"If you ever find yourself deposited in a different galaxy, don't feed the Solo kids. They all turn against you."
"What?"
"Nothing." she said, grinnng.
~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!
If you loved it, please review it. If you hated it, please review it. If you just don't know, review it anyway. However, please try to be constructive in your criticism.
MERCI BEAUCOUP!
Also, I need serious help. Stop laughing! I don't mean the mental kind of help. I am wanting to do a Gaeriel fic, but I can't for the life of me remember the name of her daughter from the Corellian trilogy. If any of my friends out there can remember, please tell me! thanks a mill!