MORE HARD TIMES FOR DAFFY!

By WileE2005

DISCLAIMER: The Looney Tunes and "Teen Titans GO" characters are all trademarks and properties of Warner Bros. Entertainment. This is partly a fanmake of the 1994 "Ren & Stimpy" episode "Hard Times for Haggis," written by Jim Gomez and Chris Reccardi. This is in a different continuity from the "Hard Times for Daffy" fanfics I wrote 10 years ago.

This is the story about a duck. Not just any duck, but a giant among lesser ducks. His large home, a monument to his greatness. An enormous sprawling testimony to his countless achievements. Big, isn't it? Surrounded by the vast splendor he has attained, he sits alone, waiting… See how he waits, waiting to suck of the wine of his toils…

It was a bright November morning. In the large fancy home of Daffy Duck, there was a display of fake tinfoil-made awards and a Variety newspaper saying, "DAFFY DUCK LANDS ANOTHER COMEDY SHORT." In one room, Daffy Duck was sitting in a very large chair in front of a television that was powered off, a remote control in his hands. He was staring up at the clock on the wall, waiting for it to strike 9:00 in the morning. Eventually, the big hand hit the "12," and the clock rang loudly like a fire alarm going off. Daffy jumped for joy, and hit the big button on the remote to power on the TV.

A classic Looney Tunes cartoon was starting up on Cartoon Network; "Duck Soup to Nuts." Daffy began laughing at his antics, as on the TV he was attempting to outwit duck hunter Porky Pig. Soon he was rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically. "They crack me up! I'm such a card!" he exclaimed.

His dopey butler entered, holding a plate with a steaming teapot and a teacup. "Duh, I'm ready to serve your tea now, Mr. Daffy!"

Daffy stopped laughing, and jumped up onto the butler, who was quite larger than him. "WHO'S THE FUNNIEST CARTOON ON TV, HUH?!" he shouted, grabbing him by his dress shirt.

"Duhhhh, Uncle Grandpa?" the butler guessed. This began to enrage Daffy, as he began to form a fist. But on the TV came an announcement…

"We interrupt this program to inform you 'Looney Tunes' is hereby canceled… FOREVER!" the announcer said on TV. Daffy stopped in shock before he could hit his butler. The announcer continued, "We now bring you the all new 'TEEN TITANS GO!'" The TV series starring exaggerated comedic versions of the Teen Titans began to play on the screen.

"WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" Daffy asked, even more enraged. He watched a few more seconds of the inane show in horror, and then changed the channel to a news program…

"Today we explore the phenomenon of 'Teen Titans Go'…" the anchorman began. Daffy changed the channel again, to find young Robin plugging a shaving cream of some sort…

"You know, folks," Robin said, holding the shaving cream can and razor, "nothing beats the closeness of new raspberry-flavored Foam-Ex shave cream…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Daffy screamed. "Lies… deceit… baloney… it cannot be TRUE!" He raised his right foot and said, "You dusty crooks! Taste the wrath of a REAL cartoon character!" And with that, he kicked the TV over, and it violently exploded in a huge fireball! When the smoke and dust settled, Daffy panted angrily a bit. "I'll not stand for it, I tell you!" he said. "They'll never forget the day they crossed Daffy Duck, the KING OF CARTOONS!"

And with that, he began running to his front door. "You can run, but you can't hide! I'm comin' for ya!" Daffy said.

But right before he could open the door, it slammed open right on him! A network executive, dressed in a plaid suit and a fedora hat, stepped in. "Welcome to your new home, kids!" he said. Sure enough, the "Teen Titans Go" cast, including Robin, Starfire, Beast Boy, Raven and Cyborg, stood there with their suitcases. "I'm SURE you'll all enjoy it here," the executive said, "especially after the foul stench of that little WATERFOWL who lived here is gone!"

Daffy Duck pushed his head through the door keyhole. "Why, you crook! You rat-faced ratface! I'll tear your guts out!" He continued shouting a bunch of threats and obscenities, as the Teen Titans watched.

"Hey Raven," Cyborg joked. "He reminds me of you!" To which Raven flashed a glare at him.

"What?" the executive said to Daffy in surprise. "YOU'RE still here?" He sheepishly grinned at the Titans.

"Why you…" Daffy began, but the executive clamped his beak shut.

The executive chuckled to the Teen Titans and said, "Just a little leftover housecleaning…" He grabbed Daffy out of the keyhole, saying "C'mere you…"

"Unhand me, you maroon! I'll tear your eyes out!" Daffy raged, as the executive held him in the hair by his head.

"Yes, yes, excuse me, Mr. Duck, but wouldn't you be more comfortable, say…" the executive said, before dashing outside and yelling "OUT IN THE STREEEEEEET!" He tossed Daffy Duck over his own fence and sent him landing on the sidewalk.

Daffy got up, and ran over to the gates, pounding on them. "You don't know who you're messing with!" he angrily said. "I'm a highly-paid animation celebrity! I won't stand for it! Ohh, don't make me cry!" He continued banging on the gate. "You no-good bank robbers! I'll… I'll… I'll rip your faces off!" he yelled, his voice breaking. He broke down sobbing. "Now you've done it! You made me CRY!" He collapsed onto the sidewalk, kicking his feet, banging his fists and bawling wildly like a little kid.

After throwing his tantrum for a bit, he stopped and immediately calmed down. "Nay… get a hold of yourself, Daffy. Am I not a duck? I've GOT to think of a solution…" He thought a bit, and then it came to him. "I've GOT it! All my loyal fans will come to my rescue! I'll go into town and scoop up a whole lot of them!" He turned to the fence, threatening the Titans, "You haven't heard the last of me! I SHALL RETURN!" He dashed off.

…

A little while later, Daffy had wandered into the city. He was muttering angrily a bit to himself, but stopped when he saw a crowd of people gathering in front of a TV store, and laughing.

"Ah, my loyal fans! They're probably watching one of my films," Daffy said, his hopes rising. He dashed over to the TV store and pushed a few people to the side to look, but to his horror, he saw they were actually watching "Teen Titans Go!"

"STOOOOP!" Daffy yelled as he leaped onto the window, trying to block the TVs from view. "They're crooks, I'm telling you!" He kept moving around, still attempting to block the images. "Hey, don't look at that! Stop! NOOOO!" He was beginning to lose his grip, but the crowd grabbed him.

"Beat it, shrimp, you're blocking our view!" the crowd shouted in perfect unison and with a slight musical rhythm to it, before they all kicked the duck across the street, where a bus ran him over and parked there. On the side was an advertisement for the "Teen Titans Go" comic book series from DC Comics.

Daffy tried pulling himself free from under the bus, but the door above him opened, and a long crowd of people trampled him running off the bus. Eventually, the last of the crowd got off, and the bus pulled away. Unhurt, Daffy climbed back onto his feet, and to his horror, saw that the crowd was running to a video store to buy the latest "Teen Titans Go" DVD release! Daffy turned, and saw a billboard that was advertising "Teen Titans Go" as airing "68 Times a Week on Cartoon Network!" He looked up in the sky, and saw clouds in the shapes of the Titans as well Daffy pus his hands on the sides of his head and yelled in frustration.

A small boy wearing glasses ran in, saying, "Hey mister, look what I got!" He showed off the new Teen Titans Go underpants he had just gotten.

"Oh yeah?!" Daffy asked, grabbing the underpants. "I'll show you what us 'toon ducks do with underpants like these!" He began ripping them apart.

"Hey dad! HELP!" the boy screamed, and then his father came in; a big, muscular, burly man holding a shovel.

"SO… a greedy unfunny 'toon duck, eh?" the father said. "I've been looking forward to THIS for a long time!" The boy watched with delight as the man began repeatedly hitting Daffy with his shovel. "Take this! And this! And this! Ooh, and this one! And here's your change!" the father was yelling as he kept beating the duck.

…

Some time later, Daffy, with quite a few bandages on him, started to climb down a familiar rabbit hole. "Hello? Bugs!" he called.

Bugs Bunny entered, looking quite different from how Daffy knew him. His limbs were quite skinny, and his eyes were enormous, and his ears were curled a bit. "What is it, Daffy?" he asked.

"Gads! Look at you, Bugs," Daffy said, not really caring for Bugs's new appearance. "But anyways, can I stay with you? That stupid guy from Cartoon Network kicked me out of my home, and the Teen Titans moved into it, and everyone's turning against me!"

"Let me think," Bugs said, pretending to think a bit, before shouting "NO! After what we went through on 'The Looney Tunes Show,' I don't want us to be living together again for a LONG time!" He grabbed Daffy, and tossed him right out of the rabbit hole.

…

Much later, in the city park, Daffy was slouching along, appearing all grubby. His stomach growled. "Oooh, my stomach…" Daffy moaned. "I haven't eaten in weeks…"

But then he looked up and saw an old lady feeding some pigeons. The bits of food looked mighty appetizing to Daffy. So he joined up with the rest of the pigeons and ate some. Being a bird himself, he seemed to blend in, until…

"Ahem!" a throat cleared. A familiar pigeon with a purple-colored head, Pesto, was glaring at Daffy, whom smiled sheepishly. Behind Daffy stood Bobby and Squit, two more of the Goodfeathers!

"Come on, let's have it," Pesto snarled. "Cough it up!"

Daffy reluctantly opened his beak, and Bobby whacked him on the back a few times to force the food out of his mouth. "That's better!" Pesto said, satisfied.

Daffy tried to sneak off, but Pesto then yelled, "That's it!" and grabbed the duck. All the pigeons were now beating up Daffy in a big cartoon fight cloud.

"Let me in there!" the old woman said. "I want some!" She began whacking Daffy as well, with her purse.

…

Later into the evening, a thunderstorm was brewing, raining on Daffy, whom was sadly staring at an old Daffy Duck doll, gathering dust and cobwebs in an antique shop window. The price tags of $29.99, $5.00 and 25 cents were crossed off, as the doll was now being sold for free. Poor Daffy stood there sadly, knowing he was now a washed-up has-been.

But just then, a mysterious shadowy person clad in a trenchcoat and fedora hat entered the shop. Daffy watched as the mysterious figure pulled a wad of money out of his pocket (apparently having not read the sign) and pointing over to the Daffy doll. The shopkeeper grinned and got the doll, much to Daffy's delight.

By this point, the storm had stopped. The trenchcoat-clad buyer zipped out of the shop with the doll, as Daffy watched. Then Daffy started to follow. "Hey, hold on bub!"

The mystery person in disguise walked into an alley. Daffy followed over, but hid behind a couple of trashcans and didn't get any closer. He watched as the disguised figure made sure no one was watching, and then set down the Daffy doll on the ground, tore off his disguise, and jumped from the stilts he was standing on. It was none other than Marvin the Martian!

Daffy gasped in delight. "It's that little Martian! He hasn't forgotten me…"

Marvin held up the doll to his face, remembering Daffy a bit, but then he got a crazed look in his eyes, tossed it on the ground, pulled out his ACME Disintegrating Pistol, and blasted the doll to smithereens! Daffy couldn't believe the horror of what he was seeing!

"Ha-ha!" Marvin laughed. Then he spotted Daffy. "At last, I will finally disintegrate you, duck!"

Daffy ran out of the alley, saying "Nooooooooooooo!" He ran into the middle of the street, panting in fear. But then he heard a car horn honking, and stared straight at the oncoming vehicle, like a deer caught in headlights. Fortunately, the car swerved out of the way at the last second, splashing rainwater onto Daffy as it drove through a puddle.

Foghorn Leghorn opened the drivers' window and called out, "Why don't you look where, I say, look where you're going?! You stupid duck." He resumed driving the car down the road. Daffy Duck just slumped off…

In another part of town, Daffy panted heavily, as he held up a gasoline can. He grinned maniacally. "That's it… that's all…" he said. "I'll just END it all…" He tipped the gas can over himself and doused himself in the gasoline. He laughed dementedly as he pulled out a box of matches. "Jumping off bridges is a thing of the past. I'm gonna do it the 21st century way!"

Daffy lit the match against the side of a building, and started to slowly lean it towards his chest. But then, a very strong gust of wind blew against him, blowing out the match. Various pieces of paper were blown around in the gust, even a cow! Then the wind died down, but not before blowing a print ad into Daffy's face. He read it:

GOT PROBLEMS?

Call:

RENT-A-THUG!

For that DIRTY JOB you need done FAST…

...CHEAP!

Accompanying it was a picture of a hired thug threatening to beat up a IRS guy.

That was it! Daffy grinned happily. "Ah! I'll have my revenge at last!" He laughed maniacally, and then dashed off. "They'll be SORRYYYYYYY!"

…

Daffy went over to the Rent-a-Thug store, where the clerk operated a conveyor hook of various thugs. Some of them came in various sizes, including a relatively small one with a large hat; Rocky. Daffy liked a couple of big, muscular, sinister-looking guys with a sign wrapped on them: "2 for 1."

Moments later, Daffy was driving down the road in a convertible with his two rented thugs, each of them holding various weapons. Daffy was laughing diabolically. "It's YOUR turn to do the crying now, you folks!" He cackled some more as he accelerated the car…

…

Meanwhile, at the Warner Bros. Studios, people were watching as the Teen Titans entered, ready to film another episode of "Teen Titans Go!" A little girl held up her autograph book to Beast Boy. "Oh Mr. Beast Boy," she said, "Can I have your autograph?"

Beast Boy picked up the autograph book. "Certainly!" he said. Then he morphed his right human hand into an animal's paw, and stamped a paw print into the book, then handed it back to the girl.

"Oh BOY!" The little girl was delighted. "Thanks, Mr. Beast Boy!"

Outside the studio, Daffy and the two thugs pulled up to the entrance, smashing another parked car in the process. They hurried up to the doors, down the seating area of the stage, and snuck backstage, where everyone was getting ready to film the show.

In the dressing area, Robin and Starfire were in makeup. A stylist woman was shampooing Robin's hair, while another one was combing Starfire's hair. The two thugs grabbed the ladies and whisked them away.

Robin called out, "Well, hurry up! I'm getting shampoo in my eyes!"

The thugs came back in, dressed in drag like the two stylists. The first one began tugging on Robin's hair rather hard, while the other began sloppily applying lipstick to Starfire.

After some rough pulling, Robin swatted the "stylist's" hands away. "Hey sister!" he snapped. "Easy with that…. Huh?!" Robin knew that he and Starfire were screwed when they saw the two cross-dressed thugs lunge towards them. A horrible scuffle soon ensued.

A little while later, all of the crew members backstage were tied up and gagged. All of the Titans were bounded to a stage light with duct tape. Daffy Duck laughed evilly. "Now I'LL show you some REAL entertainment!" He then turned to the microphone. "And now, ladies and germs, it's time for… 'TODDLER TITANS GO!'"

The title card on the monitors showed a very crude crayon drawing of the Titans as the curtains opened. On stage, a wall was set up, with crude sock puppet versions of Robin, Cyborg, Beast Boy and Raven, operated by the two thugs. "La-da-de-de-da," the "Robin" puppet sang. "I'm Robin, and I'm an immature little toddler, not a teen!"

"Duh, yeah!" the Cyborg puppet said, and began dancing up and down in a weird manner.

"Aaaaargh," the thug operating the Raven puppet said, not bothering with a female voice. "You are all so stupid!" The two thugs were enjoying putting on their little show, giving the Teen Titans a bad image.

"Now THAT'S acting!" Daffy mockingly told the real Teen Titans.

The Beast Boy puppet ducked down, and then a teddy bear came up to take its place. "Roar! I just turned into a bear!" the thug that was "playing" Beast Boy said.

Daffy laughed dementedly some more. "You're finished! FINISHED!" he screamed at the Titans.

But when the show ended, the audience went wild, and even tossed roses at the stage, as the curtains closed.

Behind the curtains, the Cartoon Network executive went up to the "Toddler Titans." "WOW!" he yelled. "You guys are FANTASTIC!" He slammed a contract, a briefcase full of money, and an Emmy award onto the table as he said, "Here's a contract! Here's a million bucks! HERE'S AN EMMYYYYYY!"

Daffy laughed like a lunatic again, and pointed to the scene as he nodded dementedly to the Titans.

But then the executive caught eye of Daffy and the bound-up Teen Titans and said "What? What are YOU doing here? I FIRED your butt. Now BEAT IT, you losers!" And with that, he kicked out Daffy AND the real Titans from the Warner Bros. Studio.

Daffy and the Titans lay on the ground, dazed a bit, as a limo pulled up to them, splashing mud in their faces. They slowly stood up, and were suddenly stunned. "What the?!" Daffy and Robin said ad the same time.

A window opened on the side of the limo, showing the thugs' Teen Titans puppets accompanied by two beautiful women, holding the money and the Emmy award. They waved, and the limo drove off…

END