"Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn"
The Smashing Pumkins, Disarm
"I live now on borrowed time, waiting in the anteroom for the summons that will inevitably come. And then - I go on to the next thing, whatever it is. One doesn't luckily have to bother about that."
Agatha Christie, An Autobiography, 1977
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He's waiting.
It doesn't matter that the autumn rain has already drenched him to the bones, nor that the wind is blowing more fiercefully with each passing minute.
He's waiting.
Waiting for the flow of memories that threatens to drown him to stop.
Waiting for the regrets and guilt to withdraw.
A man told him to hurry to shelter from the rain hours ago. He did not even hear him.
He's waiting.
No one will worry if he does not come home. No one is waiting for him.
They all left, one after the other. His father, his sister, his mother, his mentor, his lover, his son… True it is that Celena came back and miraculously fully recovered from her time in Zaibach. He cannot help smiling at the memory of her wedding day as he led her down the aisle, and of the nephew she gave him. She then followed her husband to Ezgardia. He is happy for her. For her.
It has been years since the last time he has been happy for himself.
Since he was last able to do something for himself despite the prohibitions, the consequences or without being asked to. He remembers very well when this last time was. Marlene…
So he waits.
Waits for the time Fate will stop making a fool of him.
He cannot deny he is jealous.
Jealous of everybody else's happiness.
They're all married now… Celena, Millerna and even Van. Hitomi came back. There was no need to be a seer from the Mystic Moon to know she would.
Yes, jealous of everybody else's happiness.
Sometimes he can hardly stand it, but he will not show it. They probably would not understand anyway. Why would the dashing knight ever complain ?
He grabs the hilt of his sword at the thought. His sword… symbol of his rank and supposed power. Because of the role he played during the war against Zaibach, he has become a living legend to many. But he knows exactly where he stands : he is a pawn in the game the recently crowned Queen Millerna could easily get rid of if she wanted to.
Luckily for him, she is unlikely to do so.
He unsheathes the sword and runs his fingers on the blade that could not save the woman he loves, but helped to save his son… Funny how one can be so strong and yet powerless… He often wonders what would have happened if he had failed. What if Dornkirk had won ? Can we really live in a world where all dreams come true ? They are so contradictory sometimes…
As for him, he gave up on dreaming years ago. All he has ever learned from dreams is that they bring nothing but disillusions.
So he waits.
His world is in peace, his sister and friends are happily married. They no longer need him.
So he waits.
Waits for a new goal, a new hope. Something to hold on to.
He waits.
Hopelessly waits for the pouring rain to wash his sorrow away, for the fierce wind to blow his memories away.
He waits for the unshed tears to fall. Thinks twice. He is beyond tears. The pain is threatening to engulf him, to smother him, but it will not let him cry. The tears will not fall. The tears can not fall. Who would believe the dashing knight wants to cry when he is alone at night ?
An ethereal voice mingles with the howling of the wind, singing a haunting melody. Tempting him. Attracting him. His ghosts are gaining on him. Calling him.
He waits.
Waits for the time he will not be able to resist the call of the dead anymore. That time is drawing near. He knows it. Somehow, it comforts him.
Soon he will not have to fight anymore, will not lose anymore. He will join them instead. His loved ones. Oh yes, his sister will grieve. But he is lucid. She is not the bewildered young girl that came back from Zaibach anymore. She does not need him anymore.
No loss…
No pain…
No memories…
No grief…
Nothing.
Solace.
Bliss.
Solitude. He used to fear it and now finds himself longing for it. He has been a bit more lonely everyday since his sister disappeared more than twenty years ago. Solitude is the only thing that never failed him. The ever-present solitude… Now that Celena is gone, he sometimes wishes he could fully embrace it and hide in its shadows. But that would be running away. And Allen Schezar does not run away, not anymore.
He knows what could make him smile again, but does not even dare to think about it. Getting his son back. He has imagined himself telling him the truth a billion times. He is more than willing to tell him the whole story, to answer every and any question the now fifteen-years-old boy would ask.
But that would mean shattering all the boy's beliefs. And Freid needs a strong Duke. The rulers of the neighbouring countries have been trying to take advantage of his young age and to manipulate him ever since he came to the throne, waiting for his slightest mistake. Such a revelation would undoubtedly destabilize him. He can not do that to his own son, no matter how much he craves for it.
Besides, Chid has been trying to live up to Mahad dal Freid's expectations all his life. The knight knows he would probably be rejected. He would rather keep believing that someday he could get his son back than knowing it to be impossible.
He knows what he needs.
A miracle.
Miracles do happen…
So he waits.
Once in a lifetime…
But he is still waiting.
He already got his sister back…
But he will keep on waiting.
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Hi ! First of all, tanks for reading. I know I wrote on my profile I was working on a Marlene-centric fic, but then this one came up. Inspiration, you know… can't control it, can I ? God, I'm almost satisfied with my writing style this time. As for the topic… yeah, well, I AM obsessed with Allen's story.
This scene would take place more than ten years after the end of the series… I can't imagine him falling in love again, getting married, having children (legitimate children, that is) and everyhting. He has loved Marlene, still loves her and always will. Ah, and the title means both "waiting" and "hoping" in Spanish. I thought it would fit the fic. Why don't you leave a comment or two and tell me ? ;-)