Gene Makes Toast
by silverweed (aka cantalyne AKA ahleen): jelliclekashmir@hotmail.com
Author's Note: I do not own Outlaw Star. If I did, I would not be bothering to write this disclaimer, and furthermore I would be a great deal more wealthy then I am right now (which is, by the way, not wealthy at all.) The title? This story revolves around the idea of a Toast Masters meeting. Confused? Read on. You'll get it eventually. (Plus there's a nice nifty little explanation in the fic. ^=^) Like this fic? I might do another, or maybe a Tenchi one... In the immortal words of Adam Carolla, enjoy!
Silverweed: Hi ho, everyone! (waves at camera) Welcome to a very special meeting of the Toast Masters club! It's so very special, it's being televised! Why, the inquisitive viewer may ask? Because we're bringing in some of your favorite anime characters, the crew from the Outlaw Star!
(Wild applause is heard as the teleporters start whirring, and Gene, Melfina, Jim, Aisha, and Suzuka materialize in midair, in that order, no less. They fall into large oak seats surrounding a matching round table with a thunk. The applause rises to a crescendo before fading away respectfully at a gesture from Silverweed.)
Gene: Huh?
Jim: This does not look like the Galactic Leiline....
Silverweed: (she smiles and riffles through some papers.) Hello, Gene, Melfina, Jim, Aisha, and Suzuka! Welcome to Toast Masters! We're so very glad you were able to join us today.
Aisha: (sniffs) Please address me with my full name!
Silverweed: (ignoring Aisha) For the viewers out there new to the whole concept of Toast Masters, this is how it works: The Topics Master (that's me) creates several random topics about anything: shoes, cats, manners, wars, hair, books, food, the 70's -
Audience: (gasps in horror)
Silverweed: -or anything else said Topics Master cares to dream up. The Topics Master then calls on anyone she likes of the assembled group (indicates the OLS crew members) to give a one minute speech on a randomly picked topic, i.e., the 70's.
Audience: (gasps in horror again)
Silverweed: The speechmaker must fill up one full minute elaborating on the topic they have been given. You are not bound to truth; you can make things up as you go, only parameter being that you must stay on topic. The Grammarian (also me) will count the number times you use non-words such as 'uh' and 'um,' and the number of times you use a legitimate word incorrectly, such as 'like' or 'and.' Correctly-placed pauses are fine. Said Grammarian with also note strays from the topic and grammatical errors -
Gene: When do we eat?
Silverweed: (looks up) Come again?
Gene: This is Toast Masters. When do we get the toast?
Silverweed: Later. Much later. Now what was I saying? Oh yes. Your minute will begin when you say the first word of your speech. When you have been speaking for 50 seconds, I will raise one hand. This is your signal to start wrapping it up. When I raise both hands, your time is up, so (glares menacingly) shut up. End of story. (the smile turns on again) Okay! Ready?
Audience: Ready!
Jim: Hey! Shouldn't you ask us?
Silverweed: (beams) Great! Okay, the first person to speak will be... (a drumroll is heard as she picks a name out of a hat)... Suzuka!
(Cymbals crash and the audience claps. Suzuka stands up, looking bemused.)
Silverweed: Welcome, Suzuka. Your topic is... (reaches into another hat)... Beans! Please elaborate on the importance of beans in our enlightened society.
Suzuka: (incredulous) Beans?
Silverweed: (fixes her with a hard stare) Is that the beginning of your speech?
Suzuka: No...
Silverweed: Please proceed, then.
Suzuka: (takes a deep breath) The importance of beans in our society is... Or is it are? What I mean to say is...
Gene: (claps his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing)
Suzuka: (glares at him) The importance of beans in our society is... that... (seems to suddenly recall something) that they are the primary material used to make high-quality weaponry! They can also be poisoned and snuck into someone's food, causing a slow and painful death! (pause) They can also be used as ammunition in slingshots, and if positioned correctly, can take out a person's throat at twenty paces. And you can take large quantities with you when hiding out while waiting to assassinate someone, because beans are an excellent source of sugar, starch, protein and vitamin x to the fifteenth power! And furthermore -
Silverweed: (raises one hand)
Suzuka: - you can also feed Mexican Jumping Beans to a victim, and the shock may just wipe him out. Positioned over your eyes, beans make superior eye protection. Beans are also good for -
Silverweed: (raises her other hand) Okay, done. Very good -
Suzuka: - taking out someone else's eyes with the aforementioned slingshot -
Silverweed: (clears throat) Suzuka?
Suzuka: (stops, looking surprised) Yes?
Silverweed: Twilight Suzuka?
Suzuka: Yes...
Silverweed: Please take your seat.
Suzuka: (sits back down)
Silverweed: Okay! That was an excellent performance to start out with, Suzuka, thank you very much. Notes from the Grammarian: (she shuffles some more papers) Some stuttering in the very beginning, the 'to' in your sentence on weaponry should have been an 'in,' annoying repetition of the phrase 'they can also,' an incorrect usage of the word 'and,' and the employment of the words 'furthermore' as well as 'and' in the same sentence when it wasn't necessary. (smiles)
Suzuka: What did I do right?
Silverweed: (glancing over the question) Next up is... (same hat pick, same drumroll)... Aisha Clanclan!
Aisha: (stands) All right! I'll show all of you how the Ctarl Ctarl handle Toast -
Silverweed: Aisha Clanclan, your topic is...(hat)... (picks a slip of paper out and reads it)... Hmmm... interesting...
Aisha: What? What?
Silverweed: (murmuring) Well, I suppose I can't change it; rules of the game. (out loud) Aisha, please tell us why the Ctarl Ctarl are an inferior race in comparison to humans.
Aisha: WHAT?
Gene, Jim, Suzuka, and yes, even Melfina: (burst out laughing)
Silverweed: (shrugs) A coincidence, I know, but oh well. Go ahead.
Aisha: (screaming) I'll have you know that I won't tolerate this flagrant insult to the Ctarl Ctarl -
Silverweed: (calls to guy in the tech room) Hey, Anderson, looks like we're going to have to cut the Ctarl Ctarl out of the show when it airs.
Aisha: (immediately quiets) The reason why the... Ctarl Ctarl... are... um... uh... um...well... (she chokes violently)... are...
Gene: C'mon, Aisha, out with it!
Aisha: (summoning every ounce of strength) ThereasonwhytheCtarlCtarlareinferiorincomparisontothehumanrace... is... (she looks pointedly at Silverweed.)
Silverweed: Yes?
Aisha: The minutes up, right?
Silverweed: (shakes her head) Nope, plenty of time. Go on, you're doing fine.
Aisha: (scrunches up her eyes) becausethey... don'thaftaworryaboutkeepingtheirclawssharp... (very long pause) andkeepingtheirfurclean... andbeing (slows) constantly better than everyone else... (speeds up again) and theydon'thavetoupholdthehonorofthectarlctarl...
Silverweed: (holds up one hand)
Aisha: And... (breaks down into sobs which last the remaining ten seconds, then marches back to her chair, which she breaks the backrest off of [rendering it a stool] and feels immediately better.)
Silverweed: (shrugs) Close enough. Two usages of 'um,' one usage of 'uh,' inappropriate employment of 'well,' some stuttering, 'hafta' is not a word, nor is it a legitimate contraction, incoherence, an instant of being off topic, and talkingtoofastlikethis.
Aisha: (furious) I'll have you know -
Silverweed: Up next... (hat, drumroll, you know the story)... Jim Hawking! Hmmm... name reminds me of Jim Hawkins...
Jim: Huh?
Silverweed: Never mind. Stand up.
Jim: (stands and nods to the applauding audience) Gimme your best shot!
Silverweed: Very well, the best shot your requested is this topic... (hat)... Please tell us, Jim, why Gene Starwind is a genius!
Gene: I approve!
Jim: (sullen) Who makes these things up anyway?
Silverweed: (smiles) Go ahead, Jim.
Suzuka: I sympathize, Jim.
Gene: (gives Suzuka a nasty look) Yeah Jim, go ahead!
Melfina: (smiles)
Jim: The reason... who was it again? Gene Starwind is a genius... (an extremely long pause) I'm thinking!
Gene: HEY!
Jim: (grudgingly) Gene Starwind is a genius because... he's a pretty good pilot, even though I do most of the work. Yeah... and... lessee... he's... hmmm... he's good with the ladies... and he's willing to get his hands dirty and will go out and take risks. (looks at Silverweed hopefully)
Silverweed: Go on.
Jim: He's pretty nice to Mel, and I guess if somebody deserves a compliment he'll give it out... maybe...
Silverweed: (raises a hand)
Jim: And he knows how to race space ships and can fix them a bit, too! Bye! (sits abruptly before Silverweed has her hand halfway into the air)
Silverweed: Well. Thank you Jim Hawkins... Hawking. Stuttering, instance of being off topic, incorrect usages of 'yeah' as well as two of 'and,' and 'lessee' isn't really a word or a real contraction. 'Hmmm' isn't a word either, and the 'maybe' didn't belong. Also, remember that accuracy isn't an issue here; you could've made things up.
Jim: (mutters) I kinda did...
Gene: (kicks Jim under the table)
Silverweed: (hat and drumroll, whatever) Melfina!
Melfina: (stands, blushing, in response to the applause) Yes?
Silverweed: (yup, hat) Your topic... Please tell us about hats.
Melfina: (blinks) Hats?
Silverweed: Hats.
Melfina: Well, um... Hats go on your head. They... come in lots of different shapes, colors, and sizes. Some... some have decorations on them like... feathers or... beads. Some people use hats for drawings and raffles. Some people use pass the hat around for street performers... or charities. People wear hats to protect their heads from the elements, and some, like helmets, prevent injury. Hats are also considered to be fashion accessories by some.
Silverweed: (raises one hand)
Melfina: (sits hurriedly)
Silverweed: (looks at Melfina for a moment) Thanks, Melfina. Well, incompletion of allotted time requirement, one usage of 'um,' repetition of the word 'some,' and several badly timed pauses.
Melfina: (flushes - her face, not the toilet)
Silverweed: And our grand finale... (drum roll - no hat! Haha! Surprised?)... Gene Starwind!
Gene: (stands) Thank you, thank you! I always have considered myself grand finale material!
Silverweed: And you have the last remaining topic, which would be... (drumroll - see above note on absence of the hat)... Why you dislike food!
Gene: (gulps) Did you say why I don't like food?
Silverweed: (nods)
Jim: (laughs uproariously) Go get 'em, Gene!
Gene: But what about the TOAST?
Silverweed: (sighs) Please go on, we're running out of time.
Gene: (squares his shoulders) I dislike food because... hold on, lemme think... Um, some people can't cook... not you, Melfina, you're pretty good... Eating can ruin the physique, I suppose... And sometimes cooks put too much salt or spices on the food, which is really nasty. Food also absorbs a great deal of the budget -
Jim: It most certainly does, with you around.
Gene: (glares and moves on resolutely) Chopsticks can be hard to handle, and if you eat too quickly, you can get indigestion...
Silverweed: (holds up one hand)
Gene: (remembering part about making things up) Food can slow you down and give you cramps if you're running away from space pirates, or trying to float away in a balloon, or trying to utilize your reflexes to the best of your ability, or cross-dressing and fighting people -
Silverweed: (raises other hand)
Gene: (sits down with relief)
Silverweed: Very nice, Gene. 'Lemme' is not a word, nor is 'um,' which you also used, you went off topic at one point, and incorrect usage of 'and,' and your final sentence was a gigantic run-on. Okay! (turns to audience) Audience, would you like a topic?
Audience: YES!
Silverweed: Great! Your topic is... THE 70'S!!!
Audience: (begins spontaneously throwing rotten fruits at the stage)
Silverweed: (dodges a tomato as she ushers the OLS crew back to the teleporters) Thank you Gene, Melfina, Jim, Aisha, and Suzuka! That's all for this very special special Toaster Masters special meeting special! (ducks under a flying squashed orange) Until next time - bye!
Gene: (as he disappears) What about the TOAST?
THE END!