Author's Notes: So today's episode was right up there with Failsafe. The look on Zatanna's face was just so heartbreaking... No words can describe that feeling unless you've been through her situation. I'm still a bit miffed that we didn't get to see any kind of reunion scene between Robin and Batman but eventually they're going to have to give us a Batman/Robin emotional/bonding scene. I mean seriously! They can't keep ignoring their relationship! They have to get character development too you know! Until then, I'm going to indulge myself for a bit and write this little piece to fill in what should have happened in the episode. Before you leave my story or even after you've finished reading, please make sure you check out Gilmare's "Too Close". That is a true masterpiece! It captured the feelings between Batman and Robin to a tee. That's one of the best Batman/Robin stories I've ever had the honor to read. For those of you waiting patiently for an update on Words I Can't Say, I am slowly but surely working on the last chapter. I promise I am! This little piece was different from my usual stories but I hope you guys enjoy it anyway. Also, there will be a few vague references to the episodes Failsafe and Disordered. As always, please let me know your thoughts on this particular offering. Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: I don't own Young Justice and I never will.
She shouldn't be going through such a devastating experience. I know she can look after herself but she just lost the only safety net she had. It's easy to pretend that we'll step up to the plate and be there for her but she needs her father. That's a role we can't fill. No matter how much we try to comfort her or fill that void, only her father's love can heal and comfort her.
If she turns to tell him something or ask him a question, she'll only be greeted by silence. If she wants to learn a new spell, she'll have to do it on her own. If she wants to spend time with him, she'll only have memories to look back on. It's not fair. None of us wanted this to happen.
At least the others have homes or mentors to go back to. At the end of the day, what does she have left? Nobody on the team will ever truly understand her pain except for me. But I can't use her loss to justify my own torment. I knew there was a chance we might have to rely on Dr. Fate so why didn't I speak up? Why didn't I pull the "I have more experience than all of you so listen to me" card like last time? Why didn't I tell her not to put the helment on? Oh right... I was too busy getting thrown around the place by Klarion to notice what was happening until it was too late.
Batman trained me to help people and yet I've finally come across a person I can't help. Does that make me a coward? A failure?
Zatanna needs to know she's not alone and yet I can't bring myself to face her. I can't be around her because I know it'll bring the memories back. The fall... The silent screams... The twisted and mangled limbs... All of that blood... And the image of me shaking my parents' lifeless bodies and begging them to wake up as the tears fall down my face...
I can't go through that experience again.
This marks the second time I've let Bruce down. He would be able to push all of these feelings aside and deal with the aftermath of this mission in a calm and collected manner. He wouldn't let someone else's pain affect him. But I'm not Bruce... That's what this all boils down to. I failed him during the training exercise and now I've done it again. He would want me to connect with her but I can't. Not when I know it's going to be false and forced.
If I reach out to her, it has to be real and genuine. Pretending that everything will be okay won't get either of us anywhere. She needs someone that can help her sort through this without bringing in their own baggage. It wouldn't be fair for me to do that to her. I don't know what hurts more... Losing your only parent or having to lose your surrogate parent twice and then feeling as if you had a direct hand in both instances.
Am I selfish for not wanting to help her? Even though I know she needs help and she'll eventually want help... I just can't do it.
How can I look her in the face when I know what's in store for her? The emptiness and the bone crushing sadness is only the beginning. She'll wake up at nights in a cold sweat with tears in her eyes but none of the others will be able to help her. Oh they'll try and I'm sure she'll appreciate their kind gestures and words but it won't do any good. None of us can make Dr. Fate relinquish his hold on her father. Even though there's a very small chance, he might be able to convince Dr. Fate to let him go, it would be so cruel to give her false hope.
The nightmares will eventually come too. They'll either be the same and play on a continuous loop in her mind or they'll be different each night. She'll end up playing the blame game and no matter what we say, she'll insist it was all her fault. There's also a slight chance she may pretend as if nothing's wrong but I know she won't do that. The pain will be too fresh and raw for her to ignore her loss.
I feel horrible.
Not only am I refusing to help her but unlike her, I got a second chance at life. That's the main reason why I can't help her. Who am I to play with her feelings when I got the chance to start over again? It's not every day a billionaire decides to attend a circus show and ends up becoming your savior over night. While our stories are very similar, I feel as though I got the better end of the deal.
How can I even think about flaunting in front of her face the very thing she wants most?
If there were some kind of way to fix this whole situation for her, I would do so in a heartbeat. I would have made it to where she didn't have to put on that helmet. I would have done something... Anything to spare her from the life she's about to have. Because honestly, it's not fun or very whelming to be the charity case. Everyone pities you and pretends to be sympathetic towards you but in the end, none of them ever really care about your feelings. Then there's the issue of letting people back in your heart so you can learn how to trust and love again.
It's hard to trust or love someone when you keep wondering how long will it be before they leave you too. I've had Bruce and Alfred to myself for four years but whenever I'm not around them for long periods of time, my mind starts to wander. I start thinking about what my life would be like if I hadn't met either of them. What would I have done if I were stuck in a orphanage or foster home?
I know I would have never gotten justice for what happened to my parent's and I would have never become Robin. More importantly, I would have never found a place to call home again. Those thoughts always end up scaring me more than I would like to admit. When those feelings become too much for me, I have Bruce and Alfred to help me deal with my inner demons. They show their love and care for me in different ways, but even a blind man would be able to see how much we love one another. Just thinking about losing them is unbearable.
But for Zatanna... I still think her situation is a fate worse than death.