South Park:

"Henchmen"

by John

As usual, it was all that stupid Mimsy's fault.

Nathan tried very, very hard to give his fri- his henchman very simple commands, easy to follow. He spoke calmly and clearly, as he could. I mean, honestly, how do you fuck this stuff up? Tell him the same thing twice and he'll do it twice? What kind of fucking retard thinks that away? Was that Mimsy's problem? Was he just actually retarded?

No, he knew better than that. There were a lot of retards who could probably do a hell of a better job than Mimsy.

It just didn't make any goddamn sense to him. It wasn't like he had any trouble following orders when it was his own neck on the line. If Leslie told him to switch the map, switch the map, he'd have gotten it right the first time, and Jimmy Valmer'd be sleeping with the fishes. Heaven knows how many orders he had to follow from his parents all the time without question.

And meanwhile fucking Jimmy Valmer barely has to think to get whatever he fucking wants, born with a silver pair of crutches and a sense of humor that lacked any nuance.

It was all supposed to go so simple - after they'd cancelled the special education science fair, he'd simply talked his way into the regular science fair with all the other kids, where he would win with his awesome baking soda volcano, of course. They'd be crawling in fame and bitches in no time. He'd even share, not that he'd let Mimsy know that in advance. Let him be surprised.

All Mimsy had to do was, when instructed, pour the baking soda. Very simple. Very easy. Anyone could do that, right?

It didn't work out so well. Nathan didn't want to relive it in his head, but the incident involved baking soda, one packet of sea monkeys, a reheated steak burrito, four kilos of cocaine, and an upcoming town hall meeting on internet safety.

Nathan rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache coming on. Jesus Christ, he was sick of this. While Mimsy was distracted, he turned around and headed into the hallway behind the gymnasium, knowing it wouldn't likely be crowded - most of the students who lead boring normal lives would just evacuate or something, going right out the normal door, they'd be fine.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize someone was already here." Nathan replied innocently.

"Cut it out." came the ridiculously high-pitched voice of the other student, holding a pack of gum in hand as he leaned against the lockers, looking dapper in his usual purple suit, ridiculous yellow suspenders and... whatever the hell that orange and green thing was supposed to be... pants? Khakis? God. Why anyone would let their child dress like that, one might wonder. "You don't need to feign politeness. You're not talking to one of those plebians right now."

"D-do I know you?" Nathan asked, tilting his head a bit. He knew he'd seen this kid around but he didn't think he could ever remember heating him talk.

The second boy rolled his eyes, seeming half-amused and half-annoyed, "Typical. Most people don't recognize true genuis when they see it." he shook his head and moved his cowlick away from his eyes, "I assume you're familiar with my father perhaps?"

Nathan couldn't recall any adults in the town with a hairy unibrow and oily, slicked, long hair that looked like it hadn't been washed in years. "I don't think so." he replied plainly.

The boy seemed to glare, his actions not seeming to match his words, "Naturally." he replied, "He was a brilliant and gifted genetic engineer, on the forefront of unparalleled scientific discovery, pushing boundaries nobody thought possible... and then the old man became sentimental." he rolled his eyes, "Sentimentality is the enemy of progress. Scientific advancement can't be held back by idealism."

"Oh, I've heard about you. You're that Mephesto kid." Nathan said, recalling the rumors and stories he'd heard, "You used to win the science fair all the time, and then... didn't you die?"

"That's Terrance Mephesto." the boy corrected with a snap, not addressing the second statement directly, "Of course I was the science fair champion. I'm the most gifted mind in this pathetic town. I would still be the champion if that cheating bastard Kyle Broflovski hadn't bribed Garrison with that... costumed pig." he shook his head.

"Oh wow. Like Jimmy Valmer." Nathan replied with a nod of understanding.

"Who the hell is he?"

"D-don't you remember the Comedy Awards?" Nathan asked.

"How could I forget?" Terrance replied, "Being hold up in a gymnasium having to almost literally breathe the same air as the other losers here? Memorably uncomfortable." he shook his head, "I was able to refine my German though..."

"That was all that son of a bitch Jimmy." Nathan explained, "Do you know how much that cost? It's like he runs the whole special ed department. All he has to do is go out there and tell a lame pun and he gets all the fame and glory, and the chicks, and the cooler p-parents and-"

Terrance was quiet, and held out the pack of gum, a stick out. Nathan looked for a moment, hesitated, then realized what the other boy was offering and took a piece, surprised by the offer but hardly planning to complain, "I understand. People pay so much attention to Stan and Kyle and Jimmy and those two gay kids, but don't realize how many problems they've caused the rest of us, how lucky they are to have what they have..."

"F-for sure. Sometimes I think it's just because their d-dads are all on the City Council." Nathan replied, "Jimmy's dad is a f-firefighter, and I think that Stan Marsh's dad is some kind of scientist-"

"Please. That pretentious bitch running this town refuses to even see my father on most days, and she treats Marsh like some kind of genuis. The Nobel committee seems to agree with her - an obvious stain on their credibility." he shook his head, "While my father may be sentimental, and hesitant, and... obsessive, he has a billion more brain cells than she does. Why she glorifies an above-average geologist who uses his doctorate as an excuse to deny the consensus of millions of climate scientists, I'll never know."

"I know, right?" Nathan grinned, popping the gum into his mouth, "My dad is a very legitimate businessman but he's barely treated like a part of this town. You'd think he just came into existence." Terrance raised a curious eyebrow - well, more part of a unibrow.

"Well, here's to being better than our fathers." Terrance held out the pack of gum half-jokingly as if a glass for a toast, and Nathan met it for a second with his empty wrapper. "I suppose I should appreciate my dad's efforts helping with science, at least. My two frie- henchmen were useless as usual. They're men of simple pleasures but not terribly competent with their brains."

Nathan's eyes widened a little, as much as they could, as he looked at Terrance differently, "I know exactly what you mean. My, uh, henchmen, Mimsy, he's the stupidest fucking oaf at this whole school. He's not nearly as clever or manipulative as Jimmy or smart and funny as me." he reported, "You have two?"

"Of course. They appreciate my scientific intellect and I help them glide through their classes without having to put in too much effort. I mean, God knows Bill might fall apart if they kicked him off the basketball team over his grades, and Fosse's dad can be a real pain in the ass." he rolled his eyes, "But strictly as henchman? They're strategically useless, pathetic creatures."

"So, like... you give them orders, and they're too dumb to follow them right, and then you just have to do everything yourself, but as soon as that happens, it backfires, and everyone thinks it's just your own fault?" Nathan asks.

Terrance perked up a bit, "Yeah, actually, that's... pretty accurate." he nodded, "Guess I'm not the only one hving problems keeping their idiots in line."

"Tell me about it. If I had a nickel for every time Mimsy failed me, I'd be as rich as a K-Kardashian." Nathan replied. Terrance chuckled,

"Don't be so hard on yourself, at least that money would've taken some effort on your part." he replied with a smirk.

"Yeah, that's for sure." Nathan nodded, "Where the hell are our loser frei- henchmen anyway?"

The door opened, with Bill and Fosse stepping through, the boy in the purple shirt and dark suspenders with less hair looking to his friend and grinning, "Huhuh, that's GAY!" he declared, having carefully rerviewed the finest and most minute details of the situation before reaching his clever scientific conclusion.

"Totally gay." replied Bill, agreeing instantaneously, a childish grin on his face as he shook his fists with glee. Nathan gave Terrance a confused look, but the taller boy simply shrugged and held up his arms, as if powerless to stop his minions.

"Hey, uh, you in here, boss?" Mimsy appeared behind the other two. Nathan gave Terrance a look s if instructing him to watch, then slapped Mimsy across the face, "Gee, I, uh, heard some noise."

"Shut up Mimsyyyy!"

Terrance rubbed his chin thoughtfully, then turned to his minions, wondering if such a strategy might work, while Fosse and Bill grinned.

"Huhuh, that's gay!"

"Y-yeah, totally gay!"

"Stupid gay science fair!"

"Hey guys! Shut up!" Terrance declared, and both boys instantly shut down, "We've got science to do, you numskulls. Get ready to head to the laboratory."

"Y-yes, sir!" Fosse grinned, nudging Bill, who rubbed his arm in turn, having not needed the physical reminder.

"Totally gay," he mumbled bitterly towards his friend.

"Well then, chop, chop!" Terrance clapped to make sure they went on their way, causing Bill and Fosse to simply turn and run into each other, bumping their heads, "You idiots! Can you not walk right!?" he said, approaching them, watching Nathan out of the corner of his eye before whispering, "Both of you stop by the Nurse's office and I swear to God if either of you are hurt, we're watching cartoons and that is final. Now get going!" Both boys nodded and were out of sight in a moment.

"Gee, boss, did you, uh, have any extra gum over there?" Mimsy asked Nathan while the other three boys talked. Nathan considered for a moment, turning to him,

"No Mimsy, I don't have any more fucking gum!" he declared loudly, looking around, then allowing a moment to pass before speaking further, "...but, ah... maybe if you get me a little punch from the gymnasium, I'll see what I can do..." he replied more quietly, spitting out the chewed wad of gum.

"Gee, uh, sure thing, boss, you can count on me!" Mimsy saluted him, and then returned to the gymnasium. Terrance handed Nathan another piece of gum without a word,

"Henchmen huh? Can't live with 'em," he declared,

"Can't live without 'em." Nathan nodded, taking another piece of gum.

The two boys' moment was interrupted as a mildly chubby girl with mousy brown hair and a hat with a little flower on it passed through, eyes darting around, "Hey, uh, xcuse me, I need to... get this to my locker." she was clutching a large golden 'Science Fair Winner' trophy, "If you see Eric, please don't tell him I was here?" she mumbled, passing through.

Nathan and Terrance locked eyes, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The End

Author's Note: This idea was on my mind for a while, but finally written on a bit of a whim for a friend.