(A/N): Before we begin, I would like to say that I had not yet seen the opera when I wrote this. Also, fair warning: this is SUPER OOC. And for anyone who's been reading it, this is absolutely nothing like Ískristallar. If slash and/or mpreg is not your thing, I kindly request you refrain from reading this one.
Nadir and Zurga do NOT actually have romantic feelings for each other. Again, this fanfic was written just to kill time on a long car ride and is NOT meant to be taken seriously. However, I thought it might be humorous to write a fanfic in which a bunch of characters from different operas just went absolutely insane. Inspired by a Beatles fanfic called George is Pregnant. Thanks for the inspiration! Sadly I can't find the story anymore though :(.
Finally, I don't own Les Pêcheurs de Perles. Georges Bizet does.
Now on with the crazy story!
"Zurga!" nine-months-pregnant Nadir called from his and Zurga's bedroom, surrounded by the countless chick flicks that he had been watching the past few weeks.
"What is it now, my precious pearl?" Zurga inquired sweetly, appearing at the door. He took in Nadir's wet pants, his smile quickly fading from his face. "Oh, God, did you piss yourself AGAIN?!" he screeched.
"NO, YOU IDIOT!" Nadir screeched back at him. "IT'S TIME! THE BABY'S COMING!"
"OH MY GOD! OH MY FREAKING GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S COMING RIGHT THIS SECOND! EVERYTHING'S GOING WRONG! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Zurga ran all over the house, overdoing the nervous-father role just a little bit. Just a very little tiny bit, at the very, very most.
"IT'S NOT COMING RIGHT THIS SECOND, YOU CLOWN, SO STOP RUNNING AROUND AND BUMPING INTO ALL THE WALLS AND FURNITURE!" Nadir screamed. "NOW GET ME OUT OF THESE WET PANTS AND INTO MY MATERNITY GOWN BEFORE I BURN YOU ALIVE LIKE IN OUR OPERA!"
"Okay, okay!" Zurga finally stopped running around like an idiot and did exactly as he was told.
After getting Nadir cleaned up, Zurga swept him into his arms, ran with vampire speed to the car, and set Nadir on the driveway next to the passenger's seat of the car, which he then proceeded to painstakingly line with three rolls of cheap paper towels, one half a paper towel at a time.
"Zurga, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" Nadir demanded.
"What if you have the baby in the car?" said Zurga. "This is my convertible. It would get ruined!"
"YOU SET ME ON THE GODDAMN DRIVEWAY JUST TO LINE THE CAR SEAT WITH CRAPPY PAPER TOWELS SO THAT YOU COULD PROTECT IT FROM GETTING RUINED IF I HAVE THE BABY IN THE FREAKING CAR?!" Nadir screeched. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE CAR THAN ME, ZURGA!"
Just then, Nadir got hit by a terrible pain in his abdomen. "Aaaaaah," he groaned, clutching his pregnant belly.
Seeing this, Zurga immediately felt absolutely horrible for caring more about his car than his precious Nadir. He hurried over to Nadir and held him in his arms. He said, "Of course I care more about you than my car. Of course I do. I'm so sorry, more than I can tell you."
Zurga gave Nadir a tender smile, gently set him in the car, ran back in to get Nadir's bag, and they zoomed off to the hospital.
Unfortunately, getting to the hospital took quite a bit longer than originally planned. Zurga kept getting lost, his stupid annoying GPS was absolutely no help at all, and when they got on the highway, mass mayhem was ensuing.
Squirrels were taking up the entire road. There were huge barrages of them scurrying 10 miles per hour over the maximum speed limit, causing accidents (thankfully not fatal; in fact no one was seriously injured at all) left and right. Cars, car parts, squirrels, and acorns were flipping and flying across the highway everywhere. And furthermore, Don José and Escamillo were having a showdown right in the middle of the highway. People were honking and yelling at them to either finish up or just kiss already. They finally chose option two and got out of the road.
"Okay, Nadir, we should be there soon!" Zurga said, stomping on the gas. But no sooner had he said that than another barrage of squirrels ran straight across the road right in front of Zurga's car.
"CRAP!" Zurga revved the engine, but he was too late. He drove right into the barrage of squirrels. None were harmed...too severely...but squirrels went flying everywhere. Some flew straight into cars, causing even more accidents (again, all miraculously non-fatal and causing only minor injuries), while others who escaped being hit ran up Zurga's car, preventing him from being able to see the road and making him get lost again.
Zurga furiously punched the hospital's address into his GPS search box again, and Nadir groaned as his mpreg contractions got even stronger. He cried, "Zurga, it hurts so much!"
"I know, my precious pearl," crooned Zurga. "Don't worry, it will all be over soon. Here, let's get you some fresh air, huh?"
Zurga removed the hood of his convertible and rolled down all the windows. They got held up by accident traffic and even more squirrels. Zurga, who had been driving very fast, slowed the car way down.
Unfortunately, this gave Princess Turandot, who was riding on the highway with her new husband, Calàf, a perfect view of what poor Nadir was going through right now. Calàf, who had fallen in love with Turandot at first sight, had worked so hard to convince her to marry him. But now, watching Nadir have a baby, Turandot suddenly wished she'd never listened to Calàf.
"Calàf, stop the car," she said. "Thanks. Sorry, Calàf, but it's over. I'm swearing off of all men again forever. There's no way in hell I'd let any man do to me what Nadir let Zurga do to him."
And just as these words left Turandot's mouth, poor pregnant Nadir puked out the car window.
Turandot made a face and said, "I'm never giving birth. Ever. Goodbye, Calàf. I'm going to go marry Liù." And with that, Turandot left.
"But she's dead!" Calàf called after her. But Turandot just kept going.
"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Calàf, immediately driving off the nearest cliff. Zurga winced and Nadir started sobbing.
The traffic finally cleared up, and Zurga resumed driving to the hospital, going slightly over the speed limit.
"Nadir, would you check the GPS, please?" asked Zurga, trying to get Nadir's mind elsewhere. He didn't want him to be upset over Calàf's suicide on top of giving birth.
Nadir picked up Zurga's phone and checked the GPS. "It's finding a new route. We must be lost again," he said, setting it back on the console.
"FUCK YOU, GPS!" screamed Zurga, grabbing his phone and chucking it right through the windshield. He stomped hard on the gas. "FUCK YOU AND YOUR ANNOYING MONOTONOUS WEIRD ROBOT VOICE!"
"Zurga, slow down!" pleaded Nadir as the speedometer hit 150. Zurga slowed down a little bit, but they continued to zoom at a dangerous speed off the highway. Finally, Zurga found the hospital thanks to extreme luck and slowed down to a normal speed as he pulled into the hospital parking lot.
"We're finally here!" Zurga exclaimed, parking in front of the hospital. He grabbed Nadir's bag out of the backseat, whisked Nadir into his arms, and ran with vampire speed to the L&D floor.
—10 hours later—
"You did it, my precious pearl. You did it. And she's so beautiful," Zurga said softly, looking down at the little baby girl in Nadir's arms. Zurga was holding Nadir, who was exhausted but beyond joyous, in his own arms.
"She's perfect," Nadir sighed rapturously as Zurga nuzzled his hair.
"What should we name her?" Nadir wondered.
"Leïla?" Zurga suggested.
"Perfect!" Nadir exclaimed, turning around to kiss Zurga. Just as he focused his attention back on his newborn daughter, though, his phone went off, the ringtone of his and Zurga's famous duet filling the hospital room.
"Now who could that be?" wondered Nadir. "My phone says it's you, but you threw your phone out the windshield!" He snatched his phone off the nearby table it was on and answered it. "Hello?"
"Hey, Nadir?" said the voice on the other end. "It's Calàf. Yeah, I'm alive. Banged up, but alive. Anyway, I'm in the hospital, too. Will you ask Zurga when I should give him his phone back? I found it on the highway. It's got some cracks in it, but as you can see, it still works fine."
"Calàf! Never let me catch you driving off a cliff again! You must NEVER try to kill yourself ever again, you hear me?" Nadir scolded. "If it's a girl you want, I'll set you up with Leïla." He met Zurga's confused gaze and quickly amended, "I mean the girl both Zurga and I used to love, before we...not our daughter."
"Aww, it's a girl? Congratulations!"
"Thanks, Calàf. Anyway, we'll come visit you later, and get Zurga's phone. I think I'll be able to walk again soon. I'm almost feeling back to my old self."
"Glad to hear it. See you soon!"
"You should rest," said Zurga, noticing Nadir's droopy eyelids. I'll go get my phone from Calàf. I'll tell him you said hi."
"Thanks, Zurga. Here, take the baby," said Nadir, closing his eyes happily.
Zurga gently took baby Leïla from Nadir, gave him one more kiss, and said, "Love you, my precious pearl."
"Love you, too," said Nadir, falling asleep only seconds later.
Zurga smiled down at baby Leïla in his arms as he made his way down to Calàf's room to retrieve his phone. This would be a day he'd never forget.