[The James bond theme plays as a small white circle moves from left to right across a black background. As is moves back it has turned into a gun sight tracking none other than Téa Gardener in a black evening dress. She quickly turns and…]
BANG!
[Blood runs down the screen as the Bond theme reaches a dramatic crescendo and suddenly, the story begins…]
Domino City was seen by most as a generally peaceful sort of place, if your definition of peaceful includes the town being overrun by crazed duelists everytime Seto Kaiba decides to prove himself and pump up his ego. However, today was not such a day. There were no duel tournaments and Kaiba was no doubt in his office scowling at papers as was his routine.
One might say that this day was completely ordinary, but one would have to be an ignorant dolt to think that.
After all, the town of Domino was the residence of Yugi Moto, who happened to own an ancient artifact known as the Millennium Puzzle, one of seven all powerful trinkets that used to belong to an ancient pharaoh with a funky hairstyle. Through what could be seen as either fate, coincidence or the fork of the Infinite Improbability Drive, the Millennium Items and/or those who wanted them eventually found their way to Domino City and promptly tried to take them.
It so happened that today one such loony was in town. Said loony had also discovered Standard Villain Tactic #6 for forcing Yugi into a duel, thus making it possible to steal his puzzle.
That's where this story begins.
Téa Gardener was not in a good mood right now. She was usually a cheerful person but it's hard to be cheerful when you're hanging from a ceiling by your arms.
Damn manacles are chafing my wrists, she thought to herself.
Yes, folks, Téa Gardener had once again found herself kidnapped by the Loony of the Week, who had taken her to an Abandoned Warehouse™ in hopes of forcing Yugi into a duel by using her as a hostage. And quite frankly, Téa was getting awfully sick of just hanging around, so to speak, her feet a few inches above the floor.
The Standard Cloaked Loony™ was smirking when Yami Yugi, Joey and Tristan showed up to save her. He then proceeded into Villain Speech #13 explaining the situation followed by evil maniacal laughter.
These guys are so predictable, Téa thought to herself. It's like clockwork. You could time them with a stopwatch. Too bad my hands aren't free to use one, she added with a smirk.
Téa's thoughts were interrupted. "Very well," Yami Yugi said in his I'm-About-To-Kick-Your-Ass tone. "I accept your challenge. And when I win you shall release Téa."
Standard Evil Cloaked Loony™ smirked again. "I highly doubt that, Yugi," he replied. "And when I am victorious, your Millennium Items shall be mine! Mwa-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"You jerk!" said Joey. "What's the big idea kidnapping one of our friends?"
"Yeah!" Tristan added. "Why not pick on someone your own size?"
Standard Evil Looney® cackled. "It's much easier this way," he said. "I mean what could this girl do to someone all-powerful like me? Bore me with her friendship speeches?"
That was the last straw. Téa was sick of this crap. She was tired, her arms hurt and this tool was making fun of her. It was time to take action. She started to swing herself back and forth like a pendulum, unnoticed by the Walking Villain Cliché©.
"I got your friendship speech right here, pal!" she shouted as she finally built up enough momentum and planted both feet into the back of Standard Cloaked Loony™'s head causing him to fly forward several feet before landing face down of the concrete with a loud smack.
Yugi, Joey and Tristan stared in disbelief at the motionless figure. Meanwhile, Téa was busy picking the locks on her manacles with a convenient hairpin. "Well, I suppose that takes care of that," she said rubbing her slightly sore wrists.
"Uhhh… Téa…" Joey began. "Not that I have a problem with you beating that guy senseless, but where the hell did you learn to do that?"
Téa smiled. "Oh, come on, Joey. It was hardly that impressive." It was then that her cell phone rang.
"Téa speaking," Téa said cheerfully as she answered the phone, thus cutting off Joey's next question.
"Miss Gardener," said a mysterious voice on the other end of the line. "You're needed."
"Right," she replied, sounding serious. She hung up and headed for the exit.
The trio of males just stood there momentarily.
"Does this mean there's not going to be a duel?" Tristan asked.
[The Bond theme plays again and suddenly…]
CCST3K's Magical MSTery Tour Productions
Presents
Agent Téa Gardener
International Girl of Mystery
A Parody Fanfic By CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
Disclaimer: The aforementioned author holds no rights to Yu-Gi-Oh, lest he be sued by Kazuki Takahashi. The author also notes that no one ever reads disclaimers and would cheerfully ignore them just to get to the damned fanfic already. The author wonders why he bothers even writing the disclaimer when he could be doing something more productive. The author also wonders why he is rambling and referring to himself in the third person.
(Two weeks earlier…)
Téa Gardener had been feeling down lately. This was unusual since she was usually bright and cheerful since the role of moody broody type had already been filled by Seto Kaiba. That aside, Téa had definitely been feeling some angst lately. Angst that could not be cured even by her favorite past time of Dance Dance Revolution at the local arcade. She had felt worried before, mostly over the horrible thoughts of evil nutcases coming after Yugi to get the Millennium Puzzle, but lately she had been more concerned about the fact that she was so often a part of those evil plans either as a brainwashed puppet or bargaining chip.
Either way the role wasn't fun.
She had sworn to help Yugi in his quest to find out the deeper meaning of the puzzle (although she had the sinking feeling the deeper meaning was 42), but so far her helpfulness had been fairly minimal.
Téa continued to walk home slowly with her head down, wondering what would happen next. She had managed to keep up her cheerful front in front of the others but she they weren't around and all Téa had to work with were her own concerns over her next possible kidnapping and what she could do to stop it, if anything.
"You seem troubled…" said a calm yet mysterious voice.
Téa turned sharply to see a slender robed figure standing in the shadows.
"You are concerned for your friends. You're worried that you might not be able to help them," said the voice. "Such are the mysterious working of fate, I'm afraid. But… perhaps we were destined to meet and perhaps I can help you."
Téa blinked. "Well, that's very nice, Ishizu," she replied. "But how?"
Ishizu nearly facefaulted but managed to keep her poise. "Errr… How did you know it was me?" the elegant Egyptian girl asked as she stepped out of the shadows.
Téa shrugged. "Lucky guess?" she replied. The truth was that Téa had become very familiar with Ishizu's air of mystery, not to mention her ominous prophetic portents. The only one who wasn't impressed by Ishizu's prophecies was Seto Kaiba, but he also believes he's an unbeatable duelist despite several losses that indicate the opposite, so what did he know? "So what brings you here, Ishizu?" Téa asked. "And don't say fate."
Ishizu sighed. "Very well. Perhaps I too have been concerned for your safety. After all, the pharaoh will be able to focus on his goals much more easily if he doesn't have to save his friends all the time."
Téa felt slightly insulted by that comment, but managed to suppress her instinct to respond with a scathing retort. If Ishizu had a solution, why not find out what it is? Anything was better than feeling like Useless O' Hostage.
"So… what do you want me to do?" Téa asked. Ishizu responded by handing her a pamphlet; on the front were the words: So You Want To Be An International Spy.
[The James Bond Theme plays again]
Ishizu's stretch limo pulled up in front of a tall monolithic skyscraper. The sky was dark and the rain was coming down in sheets. In the distance, thunder rumbled. Téa looked out at the building through the limo's tinted windows.
"Is this it?" she asked. Ishizu nodded in response.
The two got out of the car where a tall nameless guy in a black suit was standing holding an umbrella over them as they entered the complex. The interior was clean, brightly lit and typical of sterile corporate design. Ishizu walked directly to the elevator with Téa following her. They took the elevator to the twenty-sixth floor where they were greeted by a man in a lab coat who looked suspiciously like John Cleese (had this story been written a few years ago he would have looked suspiciously like Desmond Llewenlyn , but never mind.) Téa looked around the room feeling somewhat astonished. All around were men in lab coats testing out new inventions on dummies (and no, I don't mean the contestants on "Survivor").
"Ahhh, Ishizu," said the man in the lab coat with a very distinctive British accent. "So nice to see you again."
"Hello, Q," Ishizu replied with a small smile.
Meanwhile, one lab assistant attached what appeared to be an ordinary pen to a dummy. Moments later the pen exploded reducing the dummy to bite sized pieces and propelling the unlucky assistant across the room and crashing into a wall.
"We really need to work on those timers," Q remarked blandly as he surveyed the damage. "Well, then," he continued turning back towards Téa and Ishizu. "I presume this young lady is the one you told us about?"
"Yes," Ishizu replied.
"Well then," said Q. He signaled to his lab assistants who wheeled over several un-maimed dummies. "Now then, Miss Gardener," he explained. "I'd like you to hit this dummy as hard as you can."
"Umm… Okay," Téa replied. She walked up to one of the dummies, closed her eyes, cocked back her fist and…
POW!!
Ishizu and Q seemed more than a tad surprised. So did Téa, who had punched a hole clean through the dummy. She stopped being surprised when she realized her arm was stuck inside the dummy and quickly started trying to pull it loose.
"Ummm… Right then," said Q, sweatdropping slightly as Téa continued to try to extract her arm from the dummy. When she finally did, the dummy went flying across the room taking out another unlucky lab assistant.
"Erm…Sorry," Téa said sweatdropping. Next Q asked her to kick a dummy, which resulted in the dummy being snapped in half.
"I thought you said she needed help defending herself," said Q eyeing the broken dummy. "Are you sure you have the right girl?"
"Perhaps it's those platform shoes she wears," Ishizu added flatly.
[The James Bond Theme would be playing, but our sound system broke]
The results of the next test on the shooting range were something that Ishizu couldn't explain away as easily. Téa set down a smoking Beretta and took off her headset and safety glasses. Ishizu continued to stare at the target sheet which had perfectly targeted holes in each vital spot.
Téa shrugged. "What can I say? I used to work at a burger place."
Ishizu raised an eyebrow. "Why would they want you to know something like that?"
"It's a long story…" Téa began.
(Four Days Later…)
It should go without saying that certain individuals noticed that Téa had been gone quite a bit lately. It should also be noted that said individuals also noticed she was more secretive lately. Yugi, Joey and Tristan had all noticed that Téa had been acting strange lately. Everyday she would leave before them and outside of classes she didn't seem to be around much. Joey was particularly curious as to why Téa had been avoiding them since both he and Tristan had remembered to wear deodorant this week.
"I don't get it…" said Joey as he leaned on his desk. "Where's Téa been disappearing to the last few days?"
"Gee, Einstein…" Tristan responded "Why don't you try asking her?"
"Maybe it's best if we don't," said Yugi, who didn't want to pry if it could be avoided. The last time he and Joey had stumbled on one of Téa's secrets she hadn't been very happy about it. "If Téa wants to tell us she will."
"Maybe she's sneaking off with some guy," Tristan offered.
"Be serious, Tristan," said Joey.
"I am serious," Tristan replied. "Girls are usually very private about that sort of thing, you know. Besides, maybe it's someone we wouldn't like. Someone like Kaiba."
"Kaiba?!" Joey snarled. He had a loathing for Kaiba usually reserved for war criminals and congress. "Why would anyone be interested in that jerk?!"
Yugi didn't like where this conversation was going.
"Something the matter, Yugi?" Yami's voice asked inside his head.
"Well…" Yugi replied. "I am a bit worried. It's not like Téa to just disappear on us like this."
"True…" said Yami sagely. "But that means that it must be something very important to Téa for her to keep it a secret like this."
"But what if Téa needs our help?" Yugi asked.
"We shouldn't be worried just yet, Yugi," said Yami. "We have no reason to believe Téa is in danger. And if she is, I'm afraid we'll find out soon enough."
Somehow that didn't alleviate Yugi's fears very much.
[Stupid sound system… Someone call Monty Norman!]
Isizhu's white limo cruised rapidly through the streets of Domino city. The driver was not well versed in local traffic laws, however. Either that or he attended the Haruka Ten'ou Driving School. Occasionally he nearly clip a pedestrian or sideswipe a street sign. No one really noticed. Most people assumed it was Kaiba in the back seat and he had happened to pick a lousy driver today.
"Ishizu…" said Téa, trying to distract herself from the insane driving. "Exactly which agency are we involved with here?"
"I don't know," was Ishizu's simple reply. Ishizu was not the least bit perturbed by the possibility that their drive might be moments away from driving the car into a bridge abutment. It took a lot more than that to ruffle her.
"What do you mean you don't know?" said Téa incredulously.
"I asked them once what the agency's name was," Ishizu replied.
"And…?" Téa inquired.
"They said it was a secret," Ishizu responded blandly.
Téa facefaulted. "I don't believe this…." She muttered.
"They said that a secret agency should be secret about everything. Even its name," said Ishizu, as if stating that the Earth was round.
"But… They could be terrorists or communists or something!" said Téa.
Ishizu just shrugged. "Well, most of seem that way anyway. It just depends which side you're on," she said. "Besides, I get two hundred and fifty thousand plus dental with this job." Téa wasn't sure how to respond to that. Ishizu took out a small tape deck. "Our instructions are on here," she said as she clicked the play button.
"Is this thing on?" the distorted voice on the tape asked. Téa sweatdropped. The corner of Ishizu's mouth twitched slightly. "Good afternoon, Miss Ishtar," the voice continued. "Recently, we've discovered that an employee of the Kaiba Corporation has been hacking into government agencies and stealing their files. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to track down the hacker's computer and delete the files. As always, should you or any member of your team be captured or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds."
There was a loud crackle and a puff of acrid smoke rose from the tape player. Ishizu winced slightly. "Ughhh… I hate it when it does that," she muttered. "Well, I guess we have our work cut out for us. Apparently, our hacker works in the central computer room of the Kaiba Corporation. Fortunately, they're sending someone else to get the hacker himself."
"So… how do we get in there?" Téa asked.
[The James Bond Theme plays… Finally!]
"Me and my big mouth…" Téa muttered as she moved through the corridors of the fiftieth floor of the Kaiba Corp. building dressed in a black bodysuit with a handy utility belt. To get there she had been lowered through a skylight, had to break into the elevator shaft, climb down seven floors and now she needed to get into the computer lab. She was already wishing that she had just ignored her impulse to work on her defensive skills and just bought herself some new shoes or something.
Well, too late now, she thought. She wondered what Yugi and the others would think if they knew what she was up to. That inspired a smile as she snuck towards the door. She used a handy laser installed in her watch to melt through the lock and get in. Or at least that's what would have happened if the security guard hadn't surprised her.
"What are you doing--" he began, but Téa whirled around and socked him by accident. The guard was tossed across the hallway where he landed in a heap.
"Don't DO that!" she said looking at the comatose guard and trying to catch her breath. She composed herself and headed into the lab. Ishizu had given her a handy electromagnetic device to use on the hacker's computer. She took it out of her belt along with a small paper revealing the location of the target computer. While she was looking at it, she inadvertently set the magnet device on one of the racks of computer equipment.
"Okay…" Téa said to herself. "I just set it on the fifth computer on the left." She grabbed the device and ran it over the appropriate computer to erase the hard drive. Téa then pocketed the magnetic device and began her escape.
(The next day…)
"Morning, Yugi!" Téa called as she ran to catch up to him.
"Oh! Good morning, Téa," Yugi replied. Well, she seems back to normal now, he thought to himself, I guess I was worrying about nothing.
(Meanwhile…)
"I'm sorry, Mr Kaiba," said the technician. "But I'm afraid the server has been erased."
"What?!" Seto Kaiba growled as he nearly put his fist through his desk. "But how?! Grrrr… Six months of research gone! When I find out who did this…."
[The James Bond Theme plays one last time and…]
THE END
But Agent Téa Gardener Will Return…
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This fanfic is mostly a fanboyish fantasy. The idea of Téa-sama and Ishizu-sama as secret agents appeals to me. - But being the kind of writer that I am I could not make this a serious fanfic. I had the idea for this fic some time ago, but I only just got around to it. By the way, I hope the story didn't come off as Kaiba-bashing. I have no problems with Kaiba, but he does tend to cop an attitude most of the time.
Whether Agent Téa really will return has yet to be seen. -
-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)