The Halloween Party
(Extra show for season nine of Seinfeld)
Characters:
Jerry Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer
Elaine Bennis
George Cosatanza
David Putty
Newman
Mr. Peterman
Frank Cosatanza
Estelle Cosatanza
Transvestite Cher
[Exterior shot of Jerry and Kramer's apartment building]
[Jerry is lying on his couch reading a comic book. Kramer enters
and does a little twirl.]
Jerry [Sitting up] Hey, it's the K-man.
Kramer Jerry! Are you aware that the most exciting night of the
year is nearly upon us?
Jerry Newman's annual toenail clipping?
Kramer No, All Hallow's Eve—of course you laymen would know it
better as Halloween. One magical night when people from all walks
of life cast off their mundane day-to-day personas and transform
themselves into something new... and strange... the night that
witches fly, and the ghouls and goblins rise from their crypts and
walk the land!
Jerry And millions of kids go out wearing poorly made, ill-
fitting costumes, eat a grocery bag full of cheap candy, and top it
off by up-chucking.
Kramer Brother, you know it! There's nothing like it! And this
year my friend Bob Sacamente is having a Halloween party, and he
told me to bring along everyone I know. [Kramer puts his arm
around Jerry] And you're at the top of my list, buddy!
Jerry I can't go, I think I'm doing my hair that night.
Kramer Jerry, you're becoming ever more prissy as you approach
middle age.
Jerry It's weird enough just hearing your Bob Sacamente stories.
I'm not sure I can handle actually being in one of them.
Kramer Come on Jerry, you can bring one of those pretty little
dates of yours.
Jerry [Scratching his chin] I haven't had a date in a while...
Kramer So I've noticed. I figured you were into that New
Celibacy.
Jerry New Celibacy?
Kramer It's very cutting edge right now with today's breed of
high school students. [Chuckling] They're saving themselves for
marriage, those crazy kids! It's all very Zen.
Jerry How about you, Kramer? You're always on the Zen cutting
edge.
Kramer Oh, that kind of thing might be OK for you and the kids,
but Cosmo needs his old-fashioned daily dose of the mammasitas.
Jerry [Getting irritated] Kramer, there's no way I'm going to
some low-life party at Bob Sacamente's.
Kramer Oh, you're just like all your spoiled yuppie comedian
friends, too obsessed with the details of your own selfish lives to
have any interest in how the rest of us real people live!
Jerry [Puzzled] Who are my "yuppie comedian friends"?
Kramer You know... Bania... Ellen Degeneres...
Jerry Bania is no friend of mine, and I met Ellen Degeneres in
an airport once five years ago—that hardly counts as a friend.
Kramer [With a sly grin and one eyebrow raised] So, what about
that new woman in her life? I hear it could be true love this time
around!
Jerry Since I don't know, I guess you'll just have to check out
the tabloids.
Kramer Oh yeah...[Nods his head] I will...
Jerry [Drops his comic book on the floor and puts his head in
his hands] Why does something tell me I'm going to end up doing
this? [Looks up at Kramer] I suppose this is a costume party?
Kramer Naturally.
Jerry And when you cast off your mundane day-to-day persona,
what are you going to transform yourself into?
Kramer I'm going as the Frankenstein Monster—that timeless and
tragic literary creation of Percy Shelly's dark child bride...
Emily Dickenson.
Jerry I think you mean Mary Shelly.
Kramer Who?
Jerry Mary Shelly, Percy Shelly's wife.
Kramer [Somewhat confused] Her too?
Jerry So where is this party? At Bob Sacamente's place in
Edison, New Jersey?
Kramer Edison? Man, where have you been? He's moved
upscale—he's in East Orange now.
Jerry East Orange is upscale?
Kramer Ohhh yeah. Next big thing in real estate. The movers and
shakers are already heading out there in droves. Prices are ready
to skyrocket. And you can forget about Hoboken now, Jerry... it's
so passé.
Jerry OK. It's forgotten. [Gets up to put on his coat] You
want to come to the coffee shop with me? I'm supposed to meet
George.
Kramer Sorry, I've got to get working on my costume. [Excitedly
waves his hand at his head] My mind is flooding with ideas, Jerry!
Jerry And another mundane day-to-day persona is swept up in the
irresistible excitement of All Hallows Eve.
Kramer [Pointing at Jerry and rearing back] Yeaaah!
[Exterior shot of the Costanza's house]
[Frank is sitting at the dining table with George]
Frank George, the plumbing in this house has all gone
bad—galvanized pipes. They're full of crud. I can't get any
decent water pressure any more.
Estelle [Yelling from off-camera] I told you those pipes were no
good when you picked them up at the scrap yard 15 years ago.
Frank [Raising his arms and looking upward as he yells] There
was nothing wrong with those pipes! [Turns back to George]
George, plumbing technology has grown by leaps and bounds in recent
years, so I'm upgrading to PVC—and I need you to help me. [Frank
holds George's arm and leans toward him] It's a two-man job.
George [Whimpering] Oh god.
Frank Son, after all your mother and I have done for you, it's
time you paid us back with some sweat equity.
George [Closes his eyes] Please make it stop.
Frank Put these overalls on and meet me in the basement so we
can get started. It's a big job. Expect to get dirty!
[Estelle enters, waving her arms]
Estelle I can't believe you're too cheap to call a plumber. You
two will ruin this house!
Frank [Stands and yells] YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT!
George [Quietly to himself] George is in trouble now...
[Exterior shot of Elaine's apartment building] [Elaine and Putty are sitting on the sofa. Elaine is reading, and Putty is staring blankly into space]
Elaine [Snuggling up to Putty] Honey, Mr. Peterman is having a
big Halloween party for his staff—wouldn't it be fun to go to it
and dress up in costume as a couple?
Putty Sure thing, babe. I know where I can rent a great hot dog
outfit.
Elaine But I wanted to go as Cinderella. I've always wanted
dress up at Halloween to be Cinderella going to the ball.
Putty I thought you could be the bun for my hot dog.
Elaine [Disgruntled] Yes, that's very flattering, Putty. [She
flutters her eyelashes at him] Wouldn't you rather be Cinderella's
big, strong Prince Charming?
Putty Not really. [Putty sits up and salutes Elaine] Hot Dog
Man, at your service!
Elaine [Disgusted] Great. Cinderella, and her date the Hot Dog.
Putty You got it, babe! {He resumes staring]
[Exterior shot of Monk's Coffee Shop]
[Jerry is sitting alone at a booth, very irritated]
Jerry Where is he? I've been waiting here for 45 minutes.
[Goes to the phone booth and dials] George—you said you would meet
me at the coffee shop. Where are you?
[George is wearing workman's overalls, covered in grime, and is sitting on the floor next to some pipes in his parent's basement. Holding his cell phone in one hand, and a pipe wrench in the other, he answers Jerry's call]
George Sorry Jerry... my dad is making me help him redo his
plumbing.
Jerry Aww, what a fine son you are. And I know Frank and
Estelle are so proud of you!
Frank [Shouting off-stage] Where are those vice grips?
Estelle [Also shouting off-stage] I told you once, I told you a
thousand times, I don't know.
George I tell you, working with the two of them here is like
being in an episode of The Three Stooges.
Frank [Off-stage] You don't even know what a vice grip is,
woman!
Estelle [Off-stage] SHUT UP!
Jerry So you're obviously Curly, which ones are your parents?
George And why do you think I'm Curly?
Jerry Oh, no reason.
[The pipe George is sitting next to springs a leak, spraying George's face with water. He yells and drops the phone] [Jerry looks at his phone receiver and hangs up as George continues yelling, then returns to his booth with an amused look on his face. Elaine enters the coffee shop]
Jerry Hey Elaine! I'm glad you're here, Georgie stood me up.
Elaine Lucky you. Where's George?
Jerry He's appearing in a Three Stooges revival out in Queens.
[Elaine looks puzzled] So get this—Kramer wants me to go to a
Halloween party at his friend Bob Sacamente's in East Orange, New
Jersey.
Elaine Bob Sacamente... isn't that the guy who was handing out
bags full of defective condoms a few years ago?
Jerry He's the one!
Elaine You're actually going to go?
Jerry I know I shouldn't, but I'll never hear the end of it from
Kramer if I don't.
Elaine Good luck with that. Anyway, Putty is going with me to
Peterman's Halloween party—it's a real costume party, Jerry!
Jerry And what are you going as?
Elaine [Coyly] Cinderella!
Jerry And Putty is going as the Handsome Prince?
Elaine [Embarrassed] No... He's going as a [clears her
throat]... hot dog.
Jerry I'm sure you'll make a lovely couple.
Elaine Yeah, well at least I got a date, Jerome.
Jerry Oh, I'll find a date, don't concern yourself about that.
Elaine I'm not concerned in the least. You don't seem to be
dating much lately so I just figured that you're into that whole
celibacy thing now.
Jerry Like you'd know anything about that!
Elaine OK, well, I'm out of here. [She stands] Have fun with
Bob Sacamente. I was going to warn you not to take any condoms
from him, but I'm sure you won't be needing them anyway. [Elaine
exits]
Jerry Celebacy! [Said in the same tone as he says "Newman."]
[Night, Jerry enters his dark apartment. He turns on the light, exposing Kramer rooting around in his desk drawers]
Kramer [Spins around, startled] Oh, hey buddy!
Jerry You know, I'm hardly surprised to find you snooping around
here in the dark, but I still feel obliged to ask what you're
doing.
Kramer Looking for odds and ends to make my Frankenstein costume
more striking. Details, Jerry, details. A successful costume is
all in the details.
Jerry So why were you looking in the dark?
Kramer [Looks puzzled, scratches his head, then points to his
eyes] I guess I didn't even realize I was in the dark. Apparently
I have excellent night vision—you know, eyes like a cat! [He spins
around, collides with the dining table, and falls forward on to it]
Jerry Your feline grace is also readily apparent.
Kramer [Angrily] When did you put the table here?
Jerry When I moved in eleven years ago. [Kramer recoils
spastically in disbelief] Kramer, you eat more meals at this table
than I do.
Kramer [His voice rising] Well, I guess it just looks different
from this angle. [Kramer somehow stumbles over the table a second
time, then jumps back with his fists raised] I've had enough of
you!
Jerry Are you talking to me or the table?
Kramer [Bewildered] I don't know!
Jerry OK Cat Eyes, back to your own kitty litter box. Next time
you come over I'll have a dish on the floor for you with some
Frisky Kibble in it. [Kramer looks like he is considering this as
Jerry shuts the door in his face]
[Next day, Jerry in his kitchen. George buzzes and Jerry lets him in. George has on a short sleeve plaid sport shirt that is a bit too small for him]
Jerry How was your guest appearance on This Old House.?
George A complete disaster. My dad flooded the basement, and had
to pay double time rates to a real plumber for an emergency visit.
The basement is ruined, and he blames me, of course. And my mother
is staying in a hotel because she's so angry with him. Ho ho, I
tell you those two are going to drive me crazy.
Jerry At least it won't be a long ride.
George [Totally defeated] I know...
[Newman appears in the doorway, then enters and stands besides George. He and George are wearing identical shirts, and Newman's is also a bit tight. Jerry looks at them both with some amusement]
Jerry Well, well, well, if it isn't the Bobsy Twins. I see you
two have been shopping at the husky young men's section of JCPenny.
You know, on the surface it seems just a meaningless coincidence,
but if you start to look deeper it's quite disturbing.
George [Nervously] It's just a coincidence.
Newman [With a cheesy Bela Lugosi accent] In the world of the
undead there are no coincidences... HA HA HA! [Excitedly, in his
normal voice] Jerry, I'm practicing my Dracula impression—I've got
a great costume lined up for the Halloween party, with a cape and
fangs and everything!
Jerry I suppose that makes sense, you are a bit of a blood-
sucking leach. You mean Bob Sacamente's Halloween party?
Newman Yeah, Kramer invited me. [Frowns] Don't tell me you're
going too, Seinfeld.
Jerry I hope not. [Kramer enters] Kramer keeps trying to
convince me to go.
Kramer [He pauses to stare at Newman and George's shirts] Well,
don't you two boys look cute in your matching outfits. [George
nervously clenches his hands and begins hyperventilating but says
nothing]
Newman Kramer, don't talk Jerry into going to the Halloween
party—he'll end up using it as material in one of his pathetically
droll comedy routines. [Becoming enraged] Oh, you and your ironic
sarcasm... how you disgust me!
Kramer [Sternly] Newman! Bob Sacamente told me I could invite
all my friends... that's you, and Jerry.
George What am I, chopped liver? Next time you want a favor from
me Kramer, you can go sit on a posthole.
Kramer [Puts his arm around George, who cringes] OK little
buddy, calm down, you're invited too. [To Newman] You know, it's
time we all stepped outside of our daily petty differences and made
this a Halloween to remember. And I'm sticking to my guns on this!
[He twirls and holsters two imaginary pistols]
Newman Oh... OK. As long as Jerry promises to act like he
doesn't know me.
Jerry It'll be my pleasure, Newman. And I can pretend not to
know George too, if he shows up dressed like you again.
George [Flustered] George doesn't like the comments about his
clothes!
[Newman sticks his nose in the air and exits. There is an awkward pause as Jerry and Kramer stare at George's shirt]
George What? What are you staring at? [Kramer and Jerry are
chuckling]
Jerry I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be caught dead in
anything that matched Newman's wardrobe. I can burn that shirt for
you right now if you want, and then maybe we should go through the
rest of your wardrobe just to be sure.
George [Angrily] Newman!
[Peterman's Halloween party. The Sonny and Cher song The Beat Goes On is playing. Dancing in the background are Peterman employees dressed as Colonel Sanders, The Wicked Witch of the West, and Fat Elvis. Enter Elaine dressed as Cinderella and Putty in a large hot dog costume. Mr. Peterman, dressed as Captain Hook, rushes over to greet them]
Peterman Elaine! And who is this strapping young fellow
resplendent in the zany kielbasa costume?
Elaine That's... that's David Putty, sir. He's not a kielbasa,
he's a... [mortified] hot dog.
Putty [Saluting Peterman] Hot Dog Man, at your service, sir!
Peterman Day-vid Putty—wonderful to meet you! You must be Elaine's
current beau. [Chucking] She's certainly been through alot of
them...
Elaine Well, not reall—
Peterman You both make sure to enter your names in the costume
sweepstakes—first prize is an all-expense paid weekend in the
Poconos. Perfect for two lovebirds like the dashing Hot Dog Man
and... who are you dressed as, Elaine? Snow White? I know, it's
Ophelia, that tragic literary creation by the immortal bard
Shakespeare!
Elaine [Pouting] I'm Cinderella. I always wanted to dress up as
Cinderella.
Peterman [Raising one eyebrow and giving Elaine an odd look] Ah,
yes... Cinderella. Well, carry on! [In the background, Putty has
begun dancing suggestively with The Wicked Witch of the West]
[Night shot of a car driving down a suburban street] [Windshield shot. Kramer is driving George, Jerry, and Newman to Bob Sacamente's party. Newman has on his Dracula costume. George is dressed as a plumber, wearing the dirty overalls from his parent's house and is carrying a plunger. Kramer has on crude, bizarre Frankenstein make up with bolts stuck to the sides of his neck and head gear that looks like it was made out of paper maché and a paper bag. Jerry is wearing his regular clothes]
Kramer [Squinting as he peers through the windshield] This place
is hard to find. George, see if you can find us on the map.
Jerry So why don't you just use your nighttime cat vision?
Kramer Well, that only works indoors!
Jerry Of course, I should have known.
Newman I can't believe you wouldn't make the effort to find a
costume, Seinfeld. Even your little henchman George managed to
come up with something. I suppose you think you're such a
celebrity you can just show up as yourself and everyone will ooh
and ahh over you. You and your pretentious showbiz ego make me
sick.
Jerry Oh shut up Newman, you look like an aging Eddie Munster
with an eating disorder.
George All of you just be quiet. I think I found the place.
Kramer, turn here. [Kramer turns the wheel] That's it! Here we
are at Bob Sacamente's. I can't wait to have a word with him about
that defective condom...
[Kramer stops the car and everyone gets out. Kramer's Frankenstein outfit can now be seen in its entirety: Huge clodhopper boots, torn pants with a chain for a belt, and his old retro jacket with nothing on beneath it]
Jerry [Looking at Kramer's ensemble] Nice costume, Kramer. How
did you get your old jacket back? I thought you traded it with
some guy at the Cuban Mission for his cigars.
Kramer I ran into him on the links last week. He wants to
modernize Cuba's image and leave those old Ricky Riccardo
stereotypes in the past—now he's into to three button suits and
data streaming on the internet. So I asked him if I could have my
old jacket back, and he said, "Si."
Jerry Si?
Kramer Si-si! [Flutters his hand for emphasis]
[They enter the house—dirty and cluttered, sparsely furnished with beat-up furniture. Standing around are an assortment of low-lifes and several drag queens. There are also chickens wandering through the room.]
Jerry Kramer, what's with the chickens in the house? Is that
some kind of East Orange Halloween tradition?
Kramer Well, you remember Little Jerry Seinfeld, right?
Jerry You mean the rooster you entered in illegal cockfights?
Kramer That's him! Well, after he got beaten, Bob Sacamente let
him stay out here to recuperate in the fresh air and open
countryside.
Jerry Of East Orange, New Jersey.
Kramer And Bob Sacamente liked Little Jerry Seinfeld so much that
he got him a lady friend, and apparently they've gone and had a
family!
Jerry And they all live together in the house here in upscale
East Orange. That makes sense.
Kramer [Shaking his head and his pointed finger] D-d-d-d!
Jerry [Glancing around the room] Kramer, this looks like a
convention of trailer park rejects and ex-cons. And nobody seems
to be wearing costumes except for you, George, Newman, and the drag
queens.
Kramer [Excitedly] Yeah, I'm really going to shine tonight,
buddy! The ladies better look out, here comes Frankenstein to
steal your hearts! [He walks away]
Newman Ooh, chips and onion dip! [He runs off toward the food]
George [Uncomfortably] Jerry, there seem to be alot of men
here... dressed as women...
Jerry Yes George, I believe they're called "transvestites".
George What if one of them gets... you know... interested in me?
Jerry Don't worry George, I'm sure they'll find you just as
unappealing as most real women do. [George gives Jerry a dirty
look]
George Where is Elaine tonight?
Jerry Oh, she and Putty went to a costume party at Peterman's.
George Why didn't we go with her? At least we wouldn't be
hanging out with transvestites and chickens in East Orange.
Jerry Believe me George, you do not want to be around Elaine and
Putty when they're on a date. It's not pretty.
[Kramer returns with someone dressed as Cher]
Kramer Hey guys—Bob Sacamente isn't even here! His cousin is
sick and he went to stay with him. So I'm heading off with my new
friend Cher here to a party she was invited to in Hoboken. Take my
car keys, you can stay here as long as you want and drive
yourselves home. {Kramer hands Jerry the keys and exits with his
arm around Cher] Giddy-yap!
George Jerry, wasn't that Cher really—
Jerry A man? I think it was. But you know, some of these drag
queens are so good at their chosen profession that it can be hard
to tell.
George Do you think Kramer realizes...
Jerry For all I know, Kramer may think he's with the real Cher.
I've learned from years of experience that it's better not to get
involved in these things. Listen, I need to go to the bathroom,
and then let's leave, if it's OK with you.
George I'm ready to go... this place is scaring me. What about
Newman?
Jerry I think Count Dracula can flap his wings and fly home to
his coffin anytime he wants.
[George is waiting for Jerry outside the bathroom door]
George Come on Jerry, hurry up, I'm very uncomfortable here.
There's a big guy dressed like Cher who keeps looking at me.
[There is the sound of lots of water spilling]
Jerry [Screaming] Oh my god, the toilet is backed up, the
water's going everywhere. [The door flies open and Jerry bursts
out, his pants wet. Water pours out on the floor. Jerry grabs
George by the overalls and screams] I'm SOAKED WITH toilet water!
George [Looks at his plunger for a moment] I think I can fix
this problem! [He sloshes with determination into the bathroom,
brandishing his plunger, and leaving Jerry dripping wet and in a
state of panic]
Jerry GEORGE, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!
[Final scene as credits come up. Jerry is standing in his apartment wearing only underwear and a T-shirt with a towel over his shoulders. George is still wearing his plumber's outfit, which is a bit damp. Elaine buzzes and Jerry lets her in]
George [Excited] I can't believe I was able to repair the backed-
up toilet at Bob Sacamente's house! I feel like I've finally
become a useful member of society.
Jerry Apparently playing around in the toilet is fun for you.
I, however, will never feel clean again.
[Elaine enters in a rumpled Cinderella ball gown, walks over to the couch, dejectedly throws herself down on it, picks up a pillow and puts it in her lap]
George Hi Elaine, how was Peterman's party... and where is Putty?
Elaine Putty won a weekend trip to the Poconos in Peterman's
contest for best costume, but he was dancing with some floozy
dressed up as the Wicked Witch of the West, so we had a big fight
and... he's taking her instead. [She frowns]
Jerry So you and Putty are once again— [Elaine gives a thumbs-
down and Jerry crosses his arms] My, my. Welcome to the Zen
cutting-edge world of celibacy.
Elaine Jerry... shut up.
George {Smiling happily] Hey, at least you got to dress up like
Cinderella!
Elaine [Giving George a dirty look] And why are you so cheerful
tonight?
Jerry George discovered his true calling as a toilet repairman.
[George grins and waves his plunger.] At least you went to a real
Halloween party, Elaine. I spent the evening in East Orange wading
through Bob Sacamente's toilet water. And I didn't even get to
meet Bob Sacamente.
Elaine [Looking at Jerry] Why are you standing around in your
underwear?
Jerry I can't wear any of my clothes or touch any of my
furniture until I figure out how to sanitize myself. Elaine, I'm
tainted by toilet water! Toilet water! It's the worst taint there
is! [Elaine rolls her eyes and George laughs]
[Kramer, still wearing his Frankenstein costume, enters with the
transvestite Cher]
Kramer [Bowing] Greetings folks, I'd like everyone to meet my
special All Hallow's Eve lady friend, Miss Cher!
Elaine Hi, Cher.
Cher [In a fairly low voice] Hi there... Snow white? [Elaine
throws her head back and stares at the ceiling]
Jerry Kramer, a word? [Kramer and Jerry walk over to the
corner, where Jerry begins whispering to Kramer and drawing
diagrams in the air with his finger. Suddenly Kramer shudders and
looks at the transvestite Cher as the truth dawns on him. The
picture freezes on him as he recoils in horror]
[A snippet of the song The Beat Goes On plays over the final credits, followed by Newman's Dracula laugh]
THE END
[Alternate ending]
[At Bob Sacamente's party a short man with dark hair walks by in
overalls and a bag of tools]
Kramer Ooh, nice plumber's costume!
Plumber I am a plumber. Someone made an emergency call about a
backed up toilet. [There is the sound of someone retching in the
background]
Jerry The toilet is off in that direction I would imagine. [The
plumber walks away] OK Kramer, where is this Bob Sacamente you're
always are talking about?
Kramer I think he's out on a beer run. Let's check out the
scene!
[Two women walk by on their way out. One is very butch, and the other looks quite a bit like Ellen Degeneres, and even has her voice and mannerisms]
Jerry Are you supposed to be Ellen Degeneres?
Ellen I'm supposed to be Madonna. Come on Suzette, let's go.
Jerry Where are you off to?
Suzette There's a big party that some drag queens are throwing in
Parsnippany. Care to join us?
Jerry Mmm, I think I'll pass.
Suzette Suit yourself, sailor.
Kramer {Waving] Bye, Suzette! Jerry, did you see who that was?
Jerry You mean Suzette, Ellen Degeneres, or Madonna?
Kramer [Puzzled] I only saw two of them...
[Kramer looks past Jerry and does a double take. George enters, wearing a very old gray suit and gray shirt with a tiny bow tie. He has padded it out so that he looks even more rotund, and has on a bald cap, and isn't wearing his glasses]
Jerry Let me guess... you're a gas station attendant from the
1940s.
George [Sullenly] No. When you told me I looked like Curly the
other day, I decided to dress up like him for the Halloween party.
[George proceeds to try out some of Curly's standard lines as he
walks away]
[Elaine and Putty arrive. Elaine's Cinderella ball gown is disheveled, and Putty's Hot Dog costume is smeared with grease]
Jerry Did you guys go for a quick roll in the ditch on your way
here?
Elaine [Drunk] My car broke down and while Putty was fixing it I
opened the bottle of wine I was bringing for the party. [She
giggles and sways on her feet]
Putty Man, this chick is wasted. Where's the bathroom?
Jerry Over there. [There is the sound of more retching] I
believe it's in use at the moment. Or it's being repaired... I
don't really care.
[Jerry, Putty, Kramer, and Elaine look into the bathroom. Elaine giggles and falls down. George/Curly is in the bathroom helping the plumber fix the toilet. The plumber is now wet, and with his dark hair flopped down on his forehead, he resembles Moe]
Jerry All we need is for Larry to show up, and we'll have a full
house.
[Water suddenly flows across the floor.]
George Wo wo wo wo wo [Said like Curly, George is very amused
with himself]
Plumber Guess this leak was worse than I thought.
Jerry That's not... from the toilet? It is! I'M STANDING IN
TOILET WATER! [Jerry grabs Kramer] This is all your fault Kramer.
I'll never feel clean again.
Kramer I'm sorry Jerry—I just found out Bob Sacamente left for
some drag queen party in Parsnippany.
Jerry I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE! [Jerry runs out of the house]
[Jerry is walking along the road in the dark, muttering about Kramer and the toilet. A car pulls over and stops. The window rolls down— inside are Ellen/Madonna and Suzette.]
Ellen We wondered if you needed a ride. Hey, Suzzette, it's the
guy from Bob Sacamente's! He's ready for a real party!
[Picture freezes on Jerry's horrified face]
[Music over final credits is the theme from The Three Stooges]
(Extra show for season nine of Seinfeld)
Characters:
Jerry Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer
Elaine Bennis
George Cosatanza
David Putty
Newman
Mr. Peterman
Frank Cosatanza
Estelle Cosatanza
Transvestite Cher
[Exterior shot of Jerry and Kramer's apartment building]
[Jerry is lying on his couch reading a comic book. Kramer enters
and does a little twirl.]
Jerry [Sitting up] Hey, it's the K-man.
Kramer Jerry! Are you aware that the most exciting night of the
year is nearly upon us?
Jerry Newman's annual toenail clipping?
Kramer No, All Hallow's Eve—of course you laymen would know it
better as Halloween. One magical night when people from all walks
of life cast off their mundane day-to-day personas and transform
themselves into something new... and strange... the night that
witches fly, and the ghouls and goblins rise from their crypts and
walk the land!
Jerry And millions of kids go out wearing poorly made, ill-
fitting costumes, eat a grocery bag full of cheap candy, and top it
off by up-chucking.
Kramer Brother, you know it! There's nothing like it! And this
year my friend Bob Sacamente is having a Halloween party, and he
told me to bring along everyone I know. [Kramer puts his arm
around Jerry] And you're at the top of my list, buddy!
Jerry I can't go, I think I'm doing my hair that night.
Kramer Jerry, you're becoming ever more prissy as you approach
middle age.
Jerry It's weird enough just hearing your Bob Sacamente stories.
I'm not sure I can handle actually being in one of them.
Kramer Come on Jerry, you can bring one of those pretty little
dates of yours.
Jerry [Scratching his chin] I haven't had a date in a while...
Kramer So I've noticed. I figured you were into that New
Celibacy.
Jerry New Celibacy?
Kramer It's very cutting edge right now with today's breed of
high school students. [Chuckling] They're saving themselves for
marriage, those crazy kids! It's all very Zen.
Jerry How about you, Kramer? You're always on the Zen cutting
edge.
Kramer Oh, that kind of thing might be OK for you and the kids,
but Cosmo needs his old-fashioned daily dose of the mammasitas.
Jerry [Getting irritated] Kramer, there's no way I'm going to
some low-life party at Bob Sacamente's.
Kramer Oh, you're just like all your spoiled yuppie comedian
friends, too obsessed with the details of your own selfish lives to
have any interest in how the rest of us real people live!
Jerry [Puzzled] Who are my "yuppie comedian friends"?
Kramer You know... Bania... Ellen Degeneres...
Jerry Bania is no friend of mine, and I met Ellen Degeneres in
an airport once five years ago—that hardly counts as a friend.
Kramer [With a sly grin and one eyebrow raised] So, what about
that new woman in her life? I hear it could be true love this time
around!
Jerry Since I don't know, I guess you'll just have to check out
the tabloids.
Kramer Oh yeah...[Nods his head] I will...
Jerry [Drops his comic book on the floor and puts his head in
his hands] Why does something tell me I'm going to end up doing
this? [Looks up at Kramer] I suppose this is a costume party?
Kramer Naturally.
Jerry And when you cast off your mundane day-to-day persona,
what are you going to transform yourself into?
Kramer I'm going as the Frankenstein Monster—that timeless and
tragic literary creation of Percy Shelly's dark child bride...
Emily Dickenson.
Jerry I think you mean Mary Shelly.
Kramer Who?
Jerry Mary Shelly, Percy Shelly's wife.
Kramer [Somewhat confused] Her too?
Jerry So where is this party? At Bob Sacamente's place in
Edison, New Jersey?
Kramer Edison? Man, where have you been? He's moved
upscale—he's in East Orange now.
Jerry East Orange is upscale?
Kramer Ohhh yeah. Next big thing in real estate. The movers and
shakers are already heading out there in droves. Prices are ready
to skyrocket. And you can forget about Hoboken now, Jerry... it's
so passé.
Jerry OK. It's forgotten. [Gets up to put on his coat] You
want to come to the coffee shop with me? I'm supposed to meet
George.
Kramer Sorry, I've got to get working on my costume. [Excitedly
waves his hand at his head] My mind is flooding with ideas, Jerry!
Jerry And another mundane day-to-day persona is swept up in the
irresistible excitement of All Hallows Eve.
Kramer [Pointing at Jerry and rearing back] Yeaaah!
[Exterior shot of the Costanza's house]
[Frank is sitting at the dining table with George]
Frank George, the plumbing in this house has all gone
bad—galvanized pipes. They're full of crud. I can't get any
decent water pressure any more.
Estelle [Yelling from off-camera] I told you those pipes were no
good when you picked them up at the scrap yard 15 years ago.
Frank [Raising his arms and looking upward as he yells] There
was nothing wrong with those pipes! [Turns back to George]
George, plumbing technology has grown by leaps and bounds in recent
years, so I'm upgrading to PVC—and I need you to help me. [Frank
holds George's arm and leans toward him] It's a two-man job.
George [Whimpering] Oh god.
Frank Son, after all your mother and I have done for you, it's
time you paid us back with some sweat equity.
George [Closes his eyes] Please make it stop.
Frank Put these overalls on and meet me in the basement so we
can get started. It's a big job. Expect to get dirty!
[Estelle enters, waving her arms]
Estelle I can't believe you're too cheap to call a plumber. You
two will ruin this house!
Frank [Stands and yells] YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT!
George [Quietly to himself] George is in trouble now...
[Exterior shot of Elaine's apartment building] [Elaine and Putty are sitting on the sofa. Elaine is reading, and Putty is staring blankly into space]
Elaine [Snuggling up to Putty] Honey, Mr. Peterman is having a
big Halloween party for his staff—wouldn't it be fun to go to it
and dress up in costume as a couple?
Putty Sure thing, babe. I know where I can rent a great hot dog
outfit.
Elaine But I wanted to go as Cinderella. I've always wanted
dress up at Halloween to be Cinderella going to the ball.
Putty I thought you could be the bun for my hot dog.
Elaine [Disgruntled] Yes, that's very flattering, Putty. [She
flutters her eyelashes at him] Wouldn't you rather be Cinderella's
big, strong Prince Charming?
Putty Not really. [Putty sits up and salutes Elaine] Hot Dog
Man, at your service!
Elaine [Disgusted] Great. Cinderella, and her date the Hot Dog.
Putty You got it, babe! {He resumes staring]
[Exterior shot of Monk's Coffee Shop]
[Jerry is sitting alone at a booth, very irritated]
Jerry Where is he? I've been waiting here for 45 minutes.
[Goes to the phone booth and dials] George—you said you would meet
me at the coffee shop. Where are you?
[George is wearing workman's overalls, covered in grime, and is sitting on the floor next to some pipes in his parent's basement. Holding his cell phone in one hand, and a pipe wrench in the other, he answers Jerry's call]
George Sorry Jerry... my dad is making me help him redo his
plumbing.
Jerry Aww, what a fine son you are. And I know Frank and
Estelle are so proud of you!
Frank [Shouting off-stage] Where are those vice grips?
Estelle [Also shouting off-stage] I told you once, I told you a
thousand times, I don't know.
George I tell you, working with the two of them here is like
being in an episode of The Three Stooges.
Frank [Off-stage] You don't even know what a vice grip is,
woman!
Estelle [Off-stage] SHUT UP!
Jerry So you're obviously Curly, which ones are your parents?
George And why do you think I'm Curly?
Jerry Oh, no reason.
[The pipe George is sitting next to springs a leak, spraying George's face with water. He yells and drops the phone] [Jerry looks at his phone receiver and hangs up as George continues yelling, then returns to his booth with an amused look on his face. Elaine enters the coffee shop]
Jerry Hey Elaine! I'm glad you're here, Georgie stood me up.
Elaine Lucky you. Where's George?
Jerry He's appearing in a Three Stooges revival out in Queens.
[Elaine looks puzzled] So get this—Kramer wants me to go to a
Halloween party at his friend Bob Sacamente's in East Orange, New
Jersey.
Elaine Bob Sacamente... isn't that the guy who was handing out
bags full of defective condoms a few years ago?
Jerry He's the one!
Elaine You're actually going to go?
Jerry I know I shouldn't, but I'll never hear the end of it from
Kramer if I don't.
Elaine Good luck with that. Anyway, Putty is going with me to
Peterman's Halloween party—it's a real costume party, Jerry!
Jerry And what are you going as?
Elaine [Coyly] Cinderella!
Jerry And Putty is going as the Handsome Prince?
Elaine [Embarrassed] No... He's going as a [clears her
throat]... hot dog.
Jerry I'm sure you'll make a lovely couple.
Elaine Yeah, well at least I got a date, Jerome.
Jerry Oh, I'll find a date, don't concern yourself about that.
Elaine I'm not concerned in the least. You don't seem to be
dating much lately so I just figured that you're into that whole
celibacy thing now.
Jerry Like you'd know anything about that!
Elaine OK, well, I'm out of here. [She stands] Have fun with
Bob Sacamente. I was going to warn you not to take any condoms
from him, but I'm sure you won't be needing them anyway. [Elaine
exits]
Jerry Celebacy! [Said in the same tone as he says "Newman."]
[Night, Jerry enters his dark apartment. He turns on the light, exposing Kramer rooting around in his desk drawers]
Kramer [Spins around, startled] Oh, hey buddy!
Jerry You know, I'm hardly surprised to find you snooping around
here in the dark, but I still feel obliged to ask what you're
doing.
Kramer Looking for odds and ends to make my Frankenstein costume
more striking. Details, Jerry, details. A successful costume is
all in the details.
Jerry So why were you looking in the dark?
Kramer [Looks puzzled, scratches his head, then points to his
eyes] I guess I didn't even realize I was in the dark. Apparently
I have excellent night vision—you know, eyes like a cat! [He spins
around, collides with the dining table, and falls forward on to it]
Jerry Your feline grace is also readily apparent.
Kramer [Angrily] When did you put the table here?
Jerry When I moved in eleven years ago. [Kramer recoils
spastically in disbelief] Kramer, you eat more meals at this table
than I do.
Kramer [His voice rising] Well, I guess it just looks different
from this angle. [Kramer somehow stumbles over the table a second
time, then jumps back with his fists raised] I've had enough of
you!
Jerry Are you talking to me or the table?
Kramer [Bewildered] I don't know!
Jerry OK Cat Eyes, back to your own kitty litter box. Next time
you come over I'll have a dish on the floor for you with some
Frisky Kibble in it. [Kramer looks like he is considering this as
Jerry shuts the door in his face]
[Next day, Jerry in his kitchen. George buzzes and Jerry lets him in. George has on a short sleeve plaid sport shirt that is a bit too small for him]
Jerry How was your guest appearance on This Old House.?
George A complete disaster. My dad flooded the basement, and had
to pay double time rates to a real plumber for an emergency visit.
The basement is ruined, and he blames me, of course. And my mother
is staying in a hotel because she's so angry with him. Ho ho, I
tell you those two are going to drive me crazy.
Jerry At least it won't be a long ride.
George [Totally defeated] I know...
[Newman appears in the doorway, then enters and stands besides George. He and George are wearing identical shirts, and Newman's is also a bit tight. Jerry looks at them both with some amusement]
Jerry Well, well, well, if it isn't the Bobsy Twins. I see you
two have been shopping at the husky young men's section of JCPenny.
You know, on the surface it seems just a meaningless coincidence,
but if you start to look deeper it's quite disturbing.
George [Nervously] It's just a coincidence.
Newman [With a cheesy Bela Lugosi accent] In the world of the
undead there are no coincidences... HA HA HA! [Excitedly, in his
normal voice] Jerry, I'm practicing my Dracula impression—I've got
a great costume lined up for the Halloween party, with a cape and
fangs and everything!
Jerry I suppose that makes sense, you are a bit of a blood-
sucking leach. You mean Bob Sacamente's Halloween party?
Newman Yeah, Kramer invited me. [Frowns] Don't tell me you're
going too, Seinfeld.
Jerry I hope not. [Kramer enters] Kramer keeps trying to
convince me to go.
Kramer [He pauses to stare at Newman and George's shirts] Well,
don't you two boys look cute in your matching outfits. [George
nervously clenches his hands and begins hyperventilating but says
nothing]
Newman Kramer, don't talk Jerry into going to the Halloween
party—he'll end up using it as material in one of his pathetically
droll comedy routines. [Becoming enraged] Oh, you and your ironic
sarcasm... how you disgust me!
Kramer [Sternly] Newman! Bob Sacamente told me I could invite
all my friends... that's you, and Jerry.
George What am I, chopped liver? Next time you want a favor from
me Kramer, you can go sit on a posthole.
Kramer [Puts his arm around George, who cringes] OK little
buddy, calm down, you're invited too. [To Newman] You know, it's
time we all stepped outside of our daily petty differences and made
this a Halloween to remember. And I'm sticking to my guns on this!
[He twirls and holsters two imaginary pistols]
Newman Oh... OK. As long as Jerry promises to act like he
doesn't know me.
Jerry It'll be my pleasure, Newman. And I can pretend not to
know George too, if he shows up dressed like you again.
George [Flustered] George doesn't like the comments about his
clothes!
[Newman sticks his nose in the air and exits. There is an awkward pause as Jerry and Kramer stare at George's shirt]
George What? What are you staring at? [Kramer and Jerry are
chuckling]
Jerry I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be caught dead in
anything that matched Newman's wardrobe. I can burn that shirt for
you right now if you want, and then maybe we should go through the
rest of your wardrobe just to be sure.
George [Angrily] Newman!
[Peterman's Halloween party. The Sonny and Cher song The Beat Goes On is playing. Dancing in the background are Peterman employees dressed as Colonel Sanders, The Wicked Witch of the West, and Fat Elvis. Enter Elaine dressed as Cinderella and Putty in a large hot dog costume. Mr. Peterman, dressed as Captain Hook, rushes over to greet them]
Peterman Elaine! And who is this strapping young fellow
resplendent in the zany kielbasa costume?
Elaine That's... that's David Putty, sir. He's not a kielbasa,
he's a... [mortified] hot dog.
Putty [Saluting Peterman] Hot Dog Man, at your service, sir!
Peterman Day-vid Putty—wonderful to meet you! You must be Elaine's
current beau. [Chucking] She's certainly been through alot of
them...
Elaine Well, not reall—
Peterman You both make sure to enter your names in the costume
sweepstakes—first prize is an all-expense paid weekend in the
Poconos. Perfect for two lovebirds like the dashing Hot Dog Man
and... who are you dressed as, Elaine? Snow White? I know, it's
Ophelia, that tragic literary creation by the immortal bard
Shakespeare!
Elaine [Pouting] I'm Cinderella. I always wanted to dress up as
Cinderella.
Peterman [Raising one eyebrow and giving Elaine an odd look] Ah,
yes... Cinderella. Well, carry on! [In the background, Putty has
begun dancing suggestively with The Wicked Witch of the West]
[Night shot of a car driving down a suburban street] [Windshield shot. Kramer is driving George, Jerry, and Newman to Bob Sacamente's party. Newman has on his Dracula costume. George is dressed as a plumber, wearing the dirty overalls from his parent's house and is carrying a plunger. Kramer has on crude, bizarre Frankenstein make up with bolts stuck to the sides of his neck and head gear that looks like it was made out of paper maché and a paper bag. Jerry is wearing his regular clothes]
Kramer [Squinting as he peers through the windshield] This place
is hard to find. George, see if you can find us on the map.
Jerry So why don't you just use your nighttime cat vision?
Kramer Well, that only works indoors!
Jerry Of course, I should have known.
Newman I can't believe you wouldn't make the effort to find a
costume, Seinfeld. Even your little henchman George managed to
come up with something. I suppose you think you're such a
celebrity you can just show up as yourself and everyone will ooh
and ahh over you. You and your pretentious showbiz ego make me
sick.
Jerry Oh shut up Newman, you look like an aging Eddie Munster
with an eating disorder.
George All of you just be quiet. I think I found the place.
Kramer, turn here. [Kramer turns the wheel] That's it! Here we
are at Bob Sacamente's. I can't wait to have a word with him about
that defective condom...
[Kramer stops the car and everyone gets out. Kramer's Frankenstein outfit can now be seen in its entirety: Huge clodhopper boots, torn pants with a chain for a belt, and his old retro jacket with nothing on beneath it]
Jerry [Looking at Kramer's ensemble] Nice costume, Kramer. How
did you get your old jacket back? I thought you traded it with
some guy at the Cuban Mission for his cigars.
Kramer I ran into him on the links last week. He wants to
modernize Cuba's image and leave those old Ricky Riccardo
stereotypes in the past—now he's into to three button suits and
data streaming on the internet. So I asked him if I could have my
old jacket back, and he said, "Si."
Jerry Si?
Kramer Si-si! [Flutters his hand for emphasis]
[They enter the house—dirty and cluttered, sparsely furnished with beat-up furniture. Standing around are an assortment of low-lifes and several drag queens. There are also chickens wandering through the room.]
Jerry Kramer, what's with the chickens in the house? Is that
some kind of East Orange Halloween tradition?
Kramer Well, you remember Little Jerry Seinfeld, right?
Jerry You mean the rooster you entered in illegal cockfights?
Kramer That's him! Well, after he got beaten, Bob Sacamente let
him stay out here to recuperate in the fresh air and open
countryside.
Jerry Of East Orange, New Jersey.
Kramer And Bob Sacamente liked Little Jerry Seinfeld so much that
he got him a lady friend, and apparently they've gone and had a
family!
Jerry And they all live together in the house here in upscale
East Orange. That makes sense.
Kramer [Shaking his head and his pointed finger] D-d-d-d!
Jerry [Glancing around the room] Kramer, this looks like a
convention of trailer park rejects and ex-cons. And nobody seems
to be wearing costumes except for you, George, Newman, and the drag
queens.
Kramer [Excitedly] Yeah, I'm really going to shine tonight,
buddy! The ladies better look out, here comes Frankenstein to
steal your hearts! [He walks away]
Newman Ooh, chips and onion dip! [He runs off toward the food]
George [Uncomfortably] Jerry, there seem to be alot of men
here... dressed as women...
Jerry Yes George, I believe they're called "transvestites".
George What if one of them gets... you know... interested in me?
Jerry Don't worry George, I'm sure they'll find you just as
unappealing as most real women do. [George gives Jerry a dirty
look]
George Where is Elaine tonight?
Jerry Oh, she and Putty went to a costume party at Peterman's.
George Why didn't we go with her? At least we wouldn't be
hanging out with transvestites and chickens in East Orange.
Jerry Believe me George, you do not want to be around Elaine and
Putty when they're on a date. It's not pretty.
[Kramer returns with someone dressed as Cher]
Kramer Hey guys—Bob Sacamente isn't even here! His cousin is
sick and he went to stay with him. So I'm heading off with my new
friend Cher here to a party she was invited to in Hoboken. Take my
car keys, you can stay here as long as you want and drive
yourselves home. {Kramer hands Jerry the keys and exits with his
arm around Cher] Giddy-yap!
George Jerry, wasn't that Cher really—
Jerry A man? I think it was. But you know, some of these drag
queens are so good at their chosen profession that it can be hard
to tell.
George Do you think Kramer realizes...
Jerry For all I know, Kramer may think he's with the real Cher.
I've learned from years of experience that it's better not to get
involved in these things. Listen, I need to go to the bathroom,
and then let's leave, if it's OK with you.
George I'm ready to go... this place is scaring me. What about
Newman?
Jerry I think Count Dracula can flap his wings and fly home to
his coffin anytime he wants.
[George is waiting for Jerry outside the bathroom door]
George Come on Jerry, hurry up, I'm very uncomfortable here.
There's a big guy dressed like Cher who keeps looking at me.
[There is the sound of lots of water spilling]
Jerry [Screaming] Oh my god, the toilet is backed up, the
water's going everywhere. [The door flies open and Jerry bursts
out, his pants wet. Water pours out on the floor. Jerry grabs
George by the overalls and screams] I'm SOAKED WITH toilet water!
George [Looks at his plunger for a moment] I think I can fix
this problem! [He sloshes with determination into the bathroom,
brandishing his plunger, and leaving Jerry dripping wet and in a
state of panic]
Jerry GEORGE, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!
[Final scene as credits come up. Jerry is standing in his apartment wearing only underwear and a T-shirt with a towel over his shoulders. George is still wearing his plumber's outfit, which is a bit damp. Elaine buzzes and Jerry lets her in]
George [Excited] I can't believe I was able to repair the backed-
up toilet at Bob Sacamente's house! I feel like I've finally
become a useful member of society.
Jerry Apparently playing around in the toilet is fun for you.
I, however, will never feel clean again.
[Elaine enters in a rumpled Cinderella ball gown, walks over to the couch, dejectedly throws herself down on it, picks up a pillow and puts it in her lap]
George Hi Elaine, how was Peterman's party... and where is Putty?
Elaine Putty won a weekend trip to the Poconos in Peterman's
contest for best costume, but he was dancing with some floozy
dressed up as the Wicked Witch of the West, so we had a big fight
and... he's taking her instead. [She frowns]
Jerry So you and Putty are once again— [Elaine gives a thumbs-
down and Jerry crosses his arms] My, my. Welcome to the Zen
cutting-edge world of celibacy.
Elaine Jerry... shut up.
George {Smiling happily] Hey, at least you got to dress up like
Cinderella!
Elaine [Giving George a dirty look] And why are you so cheerful
tonight?
Jerry George discovered his true calling as a toilet repairman.
[George grins and waves his plunger.] At least you went to a real
Halloween party, Elaine. I spent the evening in East Orange wading
through Bob Sacamente's toilet water. And I didn't even get to
meet Bob Sacamente.
Elaine [Looking at Jerry] Why are you standing around in your
underwear?
Jerry I can't wear any of my clothes or touch any of my
furniture until I figure out how to sanitize myself. Elaine, I'm
tainted by toilet water! Toilet water! It's the worst taint there
is! [Elaine rolls her eyes and George laughs]
[Kramer, still wearing his Frankenstein costume, enters with the
transvestite Cher]
Kramer [Bowing] Greetings folks, I'd like everyone to meet my
special All Hallow's Eve lady friend, Miss Cher!
Elaine Hi, Cher.
Cher [In a fairly low voice] Hi there... Snow white? [Elaine
throws her head back and stares at the ceiling]
Jerry Kramer, a word? [Kramer and Jerry walk over to the
corner, where Jerry begins whispering to Kramer and drawing
diagrams in the air with his finger. Suddenly Kramer shudders and
looks at the transvestite Cher as the truth dawns on him. The
picture freezes on him as he recoils in horror]
[A snippet of the song The Beat Goes On plays over the final credits, followed by Newman's Dracula laugh]
THE END
[Alternate ending]
[At Bob Sacamente's party a short man with dark hair walks by in
overalls and a bag of tools]
Kramer Ooh, nice plumber's costume!
Plumber I am a plumber. Someone made an emergency call about a
backed up toilet. [There is the sound of someone retching in the
background]
Jerry The toilet is off in that direction I would imagine. [The
plumber walks away] OK Kramer, where is this Bob Sacamente you're
always are talking about?
Kramer I think he's out on a beer run. Let's check out the
scene!
[Two women walk by on their way out. One is very butch, and the other looks quite a bit like Ellen Degeneres, and even has her voice and mannerisms]
Jerry Are you supposed to be Ellen Degeneres?
Ellen I'm supposed to be Madonna. Come on Suzette, let's go.
Jerry Where are you off to?
Suzette There's a big party that some drag queens are throwing in
Parsnippany. Care to join us?
Jerry Mmm, I think I'll pass.
Suzette Suit yourself, sailor.
Kramer {Waving] Bye, Suzette! Jerry, did you see who that was?
Jerry You mean Suzette, Ellen Degeneres, or Madonna?
Kramer [Puzzled] I only saw two of them...
[Kramer looks past Jerry and does a double take. George enters, wearing a very old gray suit and gray shirt with a tiny bow tie. He has padded it out so that he looks even more rotund, and has on a bald cap, and isn't wearing his glasses]
Jerry Let me guess... you're a gas station attendant from the
1940s.
George [Sullenly] No. When you told me I looked like Curly the
other day, I decided to dress up like him for the Halloween party.
[George proceeds to try out some of Curly's standard lines as he
walks away]
[Elaine and Putty arrive. Elaine's Cinderella ball gown is disheveled, and Putty's Hot Dog costume is smeared with grease]
Jerry Did you guys go for a quick roll in the ditch on your way
here?
Elaine [Drunk] My car broke down and while Putty was fixing it I
opened the bottle of wine I was bringing for the party. [She
giggles and sways on her feet]
Putty Man, this chick is wasted. Where's the bathroom?
Jerry Over there. [There is the sound of more retching] I
believe it's in use at the moment. Or it's being repaired... I
don't really care.
[Jerry, Putty, Kramer, and Elaine look into the bathroom. Elaine giggles and falls down. George/Curly is in the bathroom helping the plumber fix the toilet. The plumber is now wet, and with his dark hair flopped down on his forehead, he resembles Moe]
Jerry All we need is for Larry to show up, and we'll have a full
house.
[Water suddenly flows across the floor.]
George Wo wo wo wo wo [Said like Curly, George is very amused
with himself]
Plumber Guess this leak was worse than I thought.
Jerry That's not... from the toilet? It is! I'M STANDING IN
TOILET WATER! [Jerry grabs Kramer] This is all your fault Kramer.
I'll never feel clean again.
Kramer I'm sorry Jerry—I just found out Bob Sacamente left for
some drag queen party in Parsnippany.
Jerry I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE! [Jerry runs out of the house]
[Jerry is walking along the road in the dark, muttering about Kramer and the toilet. A car pulls over and stops. The window rolls down— inside are Ellen/Madonna and Suzette.]
Ellen We wondered if you needed a ride. Hey, Suzzette, it's the
guy from Bob Sacamente's! He's ready for a real party!
[Picture freezes on Jerry's horrified face]
[Music over final credits is the theme from The Three Stooges]