The story starts of immediately following Nightmares, but for my own interests I've decided to move them along. I'd also like to point out that while I do mention incidents from the series, I've changed some them slightly for my own purposes. Sharon
A Bump Along The Way
It seemed like minutes, hours even, instead of seconds before CJ announced the results of the test, "Negative." Was all she'd said.
Josh was caught off guard by the feeling of disappointment that washed over him. He'd already told himself that had CJ been pregnant he'd hoped she would choose to carry their baby to term and if he had to, he'd seriously consider becoming a single father. There was absolutely no way he could turn his back on his own flesh and blood. He'd done that once before with disastrous results, ending with his needing to see a shrink for the rest of his life. He'd turned his back and ran on Joanie and she'd died because of it. There was no way in the world his conscious would allow him to do it again and survive. No matter how many people told him his sister's death hadn't been his fault.
CJ felt Josh once again tighten his hold on her and finally say something, "Well, I guess this crisis is over."
"Yeah," She barely whispered. She was struggling with her own reaction to the discovery of a negative result. When she'd first read the dipstick she'd felt a twinge of disappointment just before relief had washed over her. She realized in that moment that being a mother was something she hadn't totally given up on, despite having convinced herself otherwise. She also concluded that having Josh Lyman's baby wasn't an entirely unpleasant notion, not at all in fact. She dropped the stick into the wastebasket and turned to face her lover.
"That's it I guess. We just continue on."
"Yeah." He planted a tender kiss on her forehead.
Hours later she found herself sitting at her desk preparing for the morning press briefing. During the entire senior staff meeting she'd ironically been feeling queasy despite learning she wasn't pregnant. She had decided however on her walk to work that morning that she would announce hers and Josh's relationship to the others. Although honestly speaking, she knew only Toby and Sam would find the announcement shocking. As she knew Josh had already told Leo and she was pretty sure the first lady would have informed the president when she'd gotten home the evening before. She knew her queasy stomach was being caused because of Sam. She hoped he wouldn't be hurt or angry with Josh for not confiding in him.
When she'd told the room the secret, her fears were justified when for a fraction of a second Sam's face registered his hurt, but he'd quickly schooled his features and a smile came to his face. She'd decided she was going to track him down later in the day and make sure he understood that it was her and not Josh who had kept him in the dark. She hadn't been able to read Toby, so she had no idea what he was thinking. As she'd expected, the President took the news in stride. As a matter of fact, after senior was over he'd kept her back telling her that whether she announced hers and Josh's romance to the press was totally their call. She thanked him for his consideration and left the room, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Now, she sat at her desk trying to figure out how to tackle her press briefing. As Josh had feared, the press had heard about his attack. She was now trying to tackle the wording and spin the White House should put on it. She was mildly surprised when Toby entered the room and placed a piece of paper on her desk.
"What's this?" She asked picking it up.
"A few words on Josh's attack. We don't want it to become the news. Just admit to it and say the President has given him a few days off to rest, giving us all a reprieve from his being a constant pain in our collective asses. But he'll return soon enough putting an end to our piece and quiet around here."
CJ smiled up at her boss, "Thank-you."
"Your welcome." With that he was gone.
CJ had not only been thanking him for his working on a statement for her, but she knew it was his way of letting her know he was okay with her and Josh being together.
WW
Of course the following months CJ and Josh fell into an even more relaxing rhythm as their relationship flourished with their friends and co-workers knowledge and acceptance. With similar temperaments and strong constitutions most people assumed a lot of sparring was going on in their personal lives, but nothing could be farther from the truth. They seldomly fought and when differences of opinions did come up they were handled with fairness and maturity.
As for their physical relationship, it too, continued to soar. Josh loved CJ's confidence in the bedroom. It was one of the reasons he'd always been drawn to strong independent woman, although most of his past girlfriends had come up short in the area of bedroom self-esteem. Not CJ though, other then their first time together, when he'd had to convince her to allow him to perform oral sex on her, she hadn't faltered. And in all fairness, he had totally understood her weariness that first time. Their even having had sex was a little on the awkward side emotionally. Luckily, they overcame that obstacle rather quickly.
He suspected CJ had quickly sized him up as an enormously visual kind of guy, cause she occasionally came up with something in the bedroom that would blow his mind. As a self declared, good in bed woman, she hadn't been lying. Take the night of the President's second inaugural ball.
She'd once again put on a pretty provocative performance for him. As she liked variety as much as he did, the show she'd put on for him that night had been quite different from her previous masturbation show, but had pretty much resulted in the same outcome. Some pretty fantastic mind-blowing sex had taken place that night.
They'd arrived at her apartment and she'd quickly explained she needed to go to the little girl's room. He'd followed her into her bedroom and proceeded to undress himself for the night of lovemaking they both knew was ahead of them.
He'd just taken off his cufflinks and was unbuttoning his shirtsleeves when CJ had called out to him to turn on the CD player sitting on her dresser. He did as he was asked and immediately knew she had something up her sleeve when the strains of 'Patricia The Stripper' filled the room.
CJ glided out of the bathroom still dressed to the hilt in her red Armani ball gown. Unlike the Jackal, CJ didn't bother to lip sync to the song; she had to concentrate too much on her seductive strip tease for Josh. Earlier in the evening Josh had been worried about whether or not he'd be able to perform sexually once they were alone, after all, he was feeling a bit tipsy and knew CJ was as well. But all his worries quickly disappeared, as he grew hard while watching her dance about around the room. If he hadn't known any better, he would have sworn he'd been magically transported to some high-class strip club, which offered private rooms. He wondered if she had secretly taken some sort of lessons for this show, or if she was a natural. He audibly groaned when her dress finally fell to the floor and she stood before him in nothing but her high heels, panties, and a couple of glittery pasties covering her nipples. He couldn't help but stare at them, now knowing why she'd darted into the bathroom upon their arrival, because he was damn sure she hadn't been wearing those during the inauguration ball, they would have been noticeable under her dress.
CJ would have laughed at his initial bug eyed reaction when he'd first noticed her nipple pasties if it hadn't immediately been chased away by his cloudy lust-loving gaze. She loved that look, she swore to herself that she'd probably do just about anything to put that look on his face. It was sexy as hell and nothing could make her hotter or wetter faster, because she knew that burning gaze was always followed by the hottest, sweatiest, mind-blowing sex ever. When she licked her lips in anticipation, Josh began to once again peel himself out of his tux, never once taking his eyes off of her. She loved it. She'd planned this night for weeks, knowing it would have exactly this affect on him.
She'd actually signed herself up for stripper lessons knowing it had been a risky move. If the press had gotten word of the fact they'd have had a field day. She knew however, that the reward would far out weight the risk. Josh loved it, if that lust induced leer of his hadn't been proof enough, than the size of his now fully naked erection was. Quite frankly she loved it as well. Prancing around in her bedroom in high heels and barely wearing anything in front of Josh was making her feel incredibly sexy and empowered. Her only regret had been not spending the extra hundred dollars for the portable poll.
Still, the strip tease had proven a fun way to keep the spice alive, and well worth her money. Josh had actually moaned her name when she'd turned her back to him, bent over revealing her naked bottom to him, as she peeled away her thongs. By this time he'd sat in the wing back chair in the corner of the room. Next, she did what came naturally and slithered over to him, plopped herself down and proceeded to give him a lap dance. Josh had immediately began playing with her breasts, fascinated it seemed with the pasties.
The squirming motion often managed to rub the tip of his penis against her core bringing both of their breathing patterns to a hastened state, Josh finally peeled away one of the pasties and began to lavish her nipple with attention.
"Oh, Josh." She moaned rolling her head from side to side making her hair flip around. He lifted them both off of the chair and carried her over to her bed, letting her body slide down his until her bottom hit the bed. Her legs dangling over the edge.
He immediately dropped to his knees and took her nipple back into his mouth. Pulling, sucking, kissing, licking, and blowing on it. The sensations were driving her wild and she wasn't ashamed to admit had he continued he would have surely made her come by those actions alone. But soon enough his mouth was trailing down the length of her torso, through the curls of her womanhood until he found her pot of gold. After he helped himself to a rather succulent feast which almost instantly made her come undone, he was back on his feet and about to take off one of her shoes. She stopped him with three simple words.
"Leave them on."
He obeyed and climbed onto the bed above her when she'd repositioned herself to the center of the mattress. Josh wasn't sure if she'd gone by instinct or had known what a turn on leaving her shoes on was for him, or maybe she'd just known most men had a sex fantasy involving a woman's high heeled legs wrapped around his waist while he made love to her. All while she was wearing nothing but high heels. That's exactly what CJ did once he'd entered her warm wet still pulsating core. They had quickly climaxed together.
That night was the first time Josh had suggested they live together. Asking her to move in with him after they'd made love for a second time.
It had been the beginning of a stand off. She'd turned him down gently expecting her gently refusal to cause a rifted between them. It hadn't, instead it sparked long drawn out negotiations.
Looking back now she knew she'd balked at the idea because of her commitment issues. Josh didn't give up though. He hadn't ranted and raved, hadn't whined, and hadn't even pestered her like she'd expected. He'd left her alone for a few months before bringing it up again. This time she hadn't said yes or no, just that she'd think about it. And she did, endlessly, finally concluding that it made sense, as they were practically living at one another's homes anyway. She finally approached him with her positive response and once again they were embroiled in a battle of wills. This time over where they would live.
CJ loved her modern condo, plus it was bigger than Josh's one bedroom brownstone. Her rent was high but it included the shoveling of snow and the mowing of what little lawn there was. She had a balcony, which she occasionally used to unwind. Reading a book and sipping a glass of wine.
Josh insisted he loved his place just as much. It has character he'd said, plus he actually knew some of his neighbors, something CJ couldn't claim. His place was close enough to the White House that they could walk to and from work on nice days. He admitted it wasn't as roomy as her three-bedroom apartment, but insisted they could both stand to put some things into storage for a while.
The stand off lasted only a couple of months when they finally compromised and decided to get a new place all together. CJ ended up nixing the idea the same day however. Sometime during that afternoon Josh had strolled into her office with the classified ads from the Washington Post. He'd circled a few of the more promising apartments for her to look at. While she was doing just that he'd casually mentioned he'd call his real estate agent the following day to list his brownstone, up until that moment CJ hadn't realized Josh wasn't renting his home but owned it. She couldn't let him sell his place because she wasn't willing to give in. So that's how she found herself currently sitting in Josh's brownstone, or rather their brownstone, drinking her morning coffee at the small bistro style kitchen set she'd purchased seven years earlier.
Josh had insisted she not pay half his monthly mortgage payments like she'd wanted to. Being a lawyer he informed her he had no desire to have his ass hauled into some Judge Judy type courtroom if their relationship failed and she decided she wanted her money back, not allowing him to reap the benefit of her equity. So until his mortgage was due to be renewed, he paid the full amount each month and she paid all the other house hold bills. She wasn't completely happy with the arrangement but Josh wouldn't budge on the matter so she was patiently waiting for another three months when his mortgage came due and her name was placed on it. Something she wasn't happy with either but it was the only way Josh was going to allow her to contribute to it.
"Morning." Josh mumbled when he walked into the room and set about making himself a coffee.
"Hey." CJ looked up from the paper she was reading taking in his attire. From the looks of things he was going for a morning jog as he was wearing a pair of shorts, a muscle shirt, sports socks, and running shoes. Taking a sip of his drink, Josh grabbed a stack of mail sitting on the counter and started leafing through it. He placed all the house hold bills in one pile and seperated their credit card bills and the personal mail into two other piles, throwing all the junk mail into the recycle bin. There was one envelope addressed to CJ that he handed to her right away.
She took it from him and noticed the post-mark was Ohio. She immediately took in the return address noticing it was from her high school. She opened the envelope and confirmed it was what she had suspected, an invitation to her high school reunion.
"Anything important?" Josh asked.
"High school reunion." She replied and continued to read the letter. The reunion committee was asking her to make the speech if she chose to attend.
"You gonna' go?" Josh asked as he rinsed his mug and placed it in the dishwasher.
"I don't know. I guess it depends on what's going on at work."
"Just take some holiday time." He suggested.
CJ starred at him as if he'd grown a second head. This was the man who barely took complete weekends off, who had to be coerced into letting his assistant take any personal time even.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing." She laughed.
"Kay." He bent down and kissed her, "See you at work." With that he left their home to go jogging.
WW
Six weeks later they sat in their kitchen sharing a small breakfast before Josh would drive her to the airport for her flight to Dayton.
"You sure you don't want to come?" She asked.
"My plates full. Maybe next time."
"Yeah." She smiled knowing the last thing Josh wanted to do was tag along to her reunion.
"You ever get Toby to look at your speech?"
"You don't think I can write a good one myself?"
"Sure, but you know, he's an actual speech writer."
"He works for the president, not me." She pointed out.
"Okay, I'll drop it."
"Good."
"So, how many ex-boyfriends do you think you'll see this weekend?" he asked casually.
"Make you nervous?"
"No."
"Jealous?"
"No."
"Right." She smirked.
"Just don't forget what's waiting for you when you get home!"
"Home here, or home Ohio?" She teased.
"Would there by anything interesting waiting for you there?" he asked.
"Josh, you are jealous."
"Just curious." He replied.
"Well, you have nothing to worry about, I was a good catholic girl."
"That's right, you're catholic." He seemed lost in his own thoughts for a minute there. "When you say good, do you mean good good, or bad good?" he teased.
"Wouldn't you like to know." She fixed him with her best come hither look.
"I already do." He countered. "Okay, once again remember what, or better yet, who is waiting for you at home here."
"And again, that would be?" She was enjoying their banter.
"The man who loves you." He said in all seriousness.
CJ's voice got caught in her throat for a moment. Sticking there like a huge lump. There it was the L word, hanging there between them like a noose. In the eight months they'd been together each of them had avoided it like the plague. She shouldn't have been surprised that it was Josh who used it first, or more truthfully, admitted to it first. Confusion swirled through her head. She didn't quite know how to react. Did she respond in kind, or would it sound like an automatic response with no meaning, or did she ignore it? Did she do something totally ludicrous and thank him? It had been so long since she'd been in a committed relationship that she hadn't heard or used that word in a very long time, other than on her father, brother, and niece.
Finally she cleared her throat and announced. "I…it's time for me to go."
"Kay." Josh hadn't been surprised by CJ's reaction really. In this relationship, he always seemed to be a few paces ahead of her, and he was okay with it. She always seemed to catch up. If it hadn't been an important moment he would have laughed while watching her response. Panic and confusion had been written all over her face, he hadn't meant to do that, but the moment had seemed right for him to declare how deeply his feelings for her were.
He picked up her luggage and hauled it down to his car. He quickly drove her to the airport and she checked in. He stayed with her for half an hour or so, sharing a few last minutes over a coffee. He would have liked to stay with her until her boarding call but he had to get to work. So with a lingering kiss he made her promise to call him the minute she had time, told her how much he was going to miss her, and to stop fussing over her speech; she would do fine. He reinforced her witty articulate demeanor to make his point.
CJ tried not to think too much about Josh's declaration during her flight, but gave up somewhere over Illinois and looked at it from all possible angles. Had it been his jealousy talking, maybe it was his somewhat possessive nature talking? Or perhaps it was his strange sense of humor. NO, she finally decided, he'd been sincere. She felt guilty when she remembered her reaction, or more aptly her lack of one. The worst part about it was she was pretty sure she felt the same way about him. He filled her thoughts whenever she had a moment not filled with work related issues. She worried about his tendency to overwork, she always thought she, Toby, and Sam had put in just about as many hours as he did, but she'd been grossly wrong. She occasionally worked until maybe eleven o'clock at night, sometimes even put in extra long hours and could still be found seated at her desk at midnight or one, but Josh put in those kinds of hours on average of three of four nights a week. Not to mention he was always back in his office by at least five-thirty or six the next morning. Those hours had slowly dwindled however since they'd become serious. He now made honest efforts to come home and spend time with her. So he usually left work with her making it home by nine or ten o'clock. Some nights he even left the office by six, but those were rare. Most nights he'd bring some type of work home, but at least he was in a more comfortable atmosphere and she found she could easily distract him. Leo had even mentioned to her once that Josh's work seemed to have improved since he'd started taking some time for himself other than his usual jog. That didn't mean there weren't nights when she found herself alone and Josh dragging himself into bed at one-thirty or two in the morning.
By the time she landed at LAX she'd concluded that yes, she loved Josh and she'd tell him upon her return to Washington in four days.
WW
Three days after CJ's departure Josh had mixed feeling about her early return. On the one hand he was sorry she wouldn't get to experience her entire reunion and catch up with, as many high school friend as she could, but on the other hand, he missed her so was happy she was coming home.
The timing of her being called back home had been lousy but when he'd heard she hadn't been able to give her speech he smiled. That damn speech had driven her crazy and had been the bane of his existence for weeks. She professed to hating it and not wanting to give it or even care about it, and yet she fussed over it for hours on end. He supposed it was the perfectionist in her.
He was standing in the bullpen talking with Donna when he heard Ginger greet CJ by name. He felt like an adolescent schoolboy who hadn't seen his first girlfriend for the entire summer. He longed to go to her, take her into his arms and kiss her senseless, but they were at work and he was busy. He wondered why he'd had such adolescent thoughts and decided it probably had to do with the fact that he was in love. It'd been a long time since he'd felt like this. Not even Mandy or Amy had received the whole Lyman love package, he supposed that had to do with the fact that he hadn't really loved either of them. Hell, he'd never even said the word to either of them.
After getting the information he'd needed from Donna he returned to his office and worked for a couple of hours. Deciding he needed a coffee he went back out to the bullpen and poured himself one, taking it with him to CJ's office. She sat behind her desk, rifling through papers while talking, or more accurately, yelling at someone on the other end of the phone. He walked into the room, slipped onto her couch and quietly waited for her to be done with her phone call. He remained silent when a few minutes later she slammed the phone down on it's cradle. She looked tired, aggravated, and angry. He wasn't sure if she'd ever looked so terrible.
"You okay?" he gently asked.
Looking up at him Josh had expected her face to at least soften when she spoke to him, but it didn't.
"No. I get called away from a much needed vacation only to come home and deal with assholes like that!" She pointed at the phone.
Josh didn't respond and just continued to stare at her.
"Are you here for a reason, or are you the next asshole in line?" she barked. Once she'd said the words she regretted them. The hurt on his face only intensified her feelings of guilt.
"I'm sorry, Josh. I didn't mean that." She forced a smile.
"Well, you're busy. I'll get out of your way." He replied and stood to leave the room. He hesitated for a split second trying to decide whether or not he should ignore her mood and give her a quick welcome home kiss but quickly decided not to risk it when he could see her mood hadn't really changed despite her fake smile. Instead he simply said, "See you at home."
He slipped into Toby's office, "Has she been like this since she got back?" he asked.
"Yeah." Toby replied, "I was hoping when she saw your ugly mug she'd perk up a bit. Did she?"
"No."
"Lucky you." Toby smiled.
"Funny. I think I'll work late tonight."
"Chicken."
"I can cluck if you want me to."
Hours later when most of the staff had gone home Josh decided to leave as well. He ventured down the hallway stopping at CJ's office door. "You wanna' come home?" he asked.
Hearing his voice made CJ want to cry. She'd treated him so horribly that afternoon and yet here he was risking her sour mood once again. He hadn't done anything to deserve her rudeness earlier. She looked up at him and actually smiled. "Yeah, I do."
"Come on," he tilted his head outwards towards the communications bullpen.
She shut down her computer, turned off her TV, and shut off her lights before joining him stride for stride out of the building and on the walk home.
When he unlocked the door they both entered and didn't bother turning on the living room lights or anything, but headed for the master bedroom. CJ used the bathroom to wash up first and climbed into bed. Josh readied himself for bed, turned off the bathroom light and climbed into bed next to her. She was lying on her side with her back to him, he snuggled up to her, spooning her with his body. He was surprised to feel her tense up. He placed a feather light kiss on the back of her neck murmuring, "Welcome home, I missed you."
"I missed you, too." She answered.
Josh was shocked when CJ jolted out of the bed when he'd brought his hand up to caress her breast through the material of her pajamas. "Did I hurt you?" he wondered dumbfounded.
"No, just surprised me I guess." She replied, feeling like an idiot standing beside the bed.
"Sorry."
"No, it's okay. But not tonight, Josh, I'm tired."
"Okay." He answered and patted the bed beside him where she'd been lying seconds earlier. She climbed back in and allowed herself to be held in his arms. She lay there until she fell asleep.
Josh lay awake for a long time afterwards, confused by her reaction. It had been weird to say the least, and in the pit of his stomach seeds of worry had been planted. His worry continued over the next couple of days as each time that he touched her he was met with resistance and tales of tiredness.
After she'd been home about a week she'd been standing at the kitchen sink cleaning her breakfast dishes when Josh lumbered into the room. He'd actually managed to sleep in that Saturday morning, his building worry about CJ finally catching up with him. Without thinking he came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist and planted a seductive kiss to her exposed shoulder.
She'd jumped a foot into the air, quickly escaped from his embrace, and shrieked at him to stop. Trying his best not to react harshly, as was his inclination, he took a deep breath. His worries quickly returned full fold when he noticed CJ was trembling.
"CJ, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." She answered but her voice said otherwise, as there was a shake to her timber.
"CJ, I'm not an idiot. There's definitely something going on with you. Did I do something wrong?"
"No. God, no, Josh. Please just drop it. There's nothing wrong." She hated the look on his face. Worry was mixed with concern, and she knew that combination and Josh didn't mix well for his own mental health. But she felt trapped. There was no way she could talk to him about this, as she was sure he'd be filled with disgust, how could he not be? She certainly was.
"Will you at least let me kiss you good morning?" he asked treading carefully.
"Okay." She felt like a heel at his having to ask such a thing.
He moved toward her, took her gently into his arms and met his lips to hers. His body reacted immediately but he did his best not to let her know. He pulled away slightly so their lower halves weren't touching. Somehow he knew it wouldn't go over very well if she felt his hardened member. His battle with self-control was helped when a rapping noise could be heard on their door.
"We expecting someone?" he asked while still loosely holding her in his arms.
"Donna. We're going shopping." She chimed gleefully.
"Oh." He let go of her feeling jilted as he watched her hurriedly exit the room to answer the door. He set about making a coffee willing himself to deal with his hurt silently. His girlfriend was gleaming with sunshine to see Donna and yet he had to ask for a bloody kiss. He carried his coffee into the living room to see his assistant sitting in a chair leafing through a magazine.
"Hi, Josh."
"Hey, Donna. You want a coffee?" he smiled at her. No sense taking out his unpleasant mood on her.
"No, we'll be leaving soon."
"Where's, CJ?" he asked.
"Bathroom." Donna nodded in the direction of the half bath situated off the living room. No sooner had Donna said the words and CJ appeared.
"Well, you guys have fun." He encouraged when he saw CJ pick up her handbag.
"We always do." Donna smiled cheerfully picking up her own bag off the floor and slinging it over her shoulder.
Josh hoped he had managed to hide his shock when CJ stopped in front of him and planted him with a kiss. It was the first time she'd voluntarily touched him in any manner in two weeks. Watching as CJ walked towards Donna and the door, his eyes locked with his assistants. He silently cursed. Donna knew him too well; she'd noticed his shock and was now giving him that look of hers. Silently asking him if everything was okay. He did the only thing he could think of and ignored it.
"We'll probably be eating out for dinner if you want to join us." CJ offered as she reached the door and turned back to him.
"No, I think I'll stay home and watch the ballgame. Thanks anyway."
"See you later." She retorted.
"Kay."
WW
On the following Friday Josh had had just about all he could take. There was something terribly wrong with CJ and whatever it was; he was in way over his head. He tried to encourage her to talk to him but his efforts had remained futile. Speaking of efforts, after the morning she'd shrieked at him in the kitchen, he'd given up entirely on touching her at all. Not even in a non-sexual way. The knot in his stomach had grown to the point where he couldn't eat, not that CJ had even noticed. Donna had though and by the middle of the week she'd begun pestering him about it. The worst part was he knew she had reason for concern. He wasn't eating much and had already lost some weight, his concentration was slipping and he wasn't sleeping well. Just yesterday Donna had found him sleeping at his desk at two o'clock in the afternoon. Staring at the chalkboard hanging in his office but not really seeing it, he finally rose to his feet. He walked into the bullpen and told Donna to cancel his eleven-thirty meeting with Matt Skinner and walked away without an explanation.
Reaching his destination he felt ill. He knew CJ was going to be royally pissed with him but he didn't care anymore. He wasn't stupid. CJ was in trouble and needed help, help he couldn't give her. Deep down he knew whatever was troubling her revolved around sex. Since her lack of desire and her frigidity had appeared immediately upon her return from Dayton he was ultimately scared to know their origins. He'd finally admitted to himself the night before however that something had happened to her, something he didn't want to face, but this wasn't about him.
"Is she in?" was all he said to the First Lady's assistant.
"Yeah. I'll see if she's free." The young woman announced as she got out from behind her desk and opened the door to Mrs. Bartlet's office. She returned within seconds with a sweet smile, "Go right in, Mr. Lyman."
"Thanks, Karen." Josh said just before walking through the doorway.
He was immediately greeted with a warm smile. "What brings you by, Josh?" Abby asked while pointing to a chair.
Josh took the offered seat but before he could answer, the First Lady was talking once again. "Are you okay? You're looking a bit rough?" She sat down in a chair opposite him.
"I'm fine. I've actually come to talk to you about, CJ."
"Ah, I've been hearing stories that's she being a bit of a bear lately." Abby smiled noticing however that Josh didn't return it.
'Yeah. But there's more."
Looking more closely, Abby could see Josh's face was etched with very real concern, raising her own. "What is it, Josh?" She asked.
"She hasn't been herself since she's been home from her reunion."
"That's a few weeks now, isn't it?"
"Yeah, three."
"What seems to be the problem?"
He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, all the while rubbing the palms of this hands against his tired looking eyes. Abby remained silent and patient, waiting for her husband's Deputy Chief of Staff to find his words.
"She's going to kill me." He began.
"I'm sure you can take it." Abby replied encouraging him to go on.
That brought a small fleeting smile to his face. "Doesn't matter anyway, no matter what the outcome."
"Josh?" Abby didn't like the tone of his rather cryptic reply.
"Since coming home, Mrs. B, she won't let me anywhere near her."
A knot immediately formed in the First Lady's stomach. This conversation was going to be worse than she'd first anticipated. "I just want to clarify, Josh, are you talking sexually?"
"Yes, at first she complained she was tired, which I didn't entirely believe."
"Why?"
"She just seemed to be over-reacting if she was only tired."
"How so?"
"Well, her first night home she literally flew off the bed when I touched her."
"That does seem a little odd." Abby confirmed, her knot growing. The few times she and CJ had talked over the years she'd always been left with the impression that CJ had a normal healthy outlook on sex.
"Then I thought as the week progressed that her concerns about her father could be the problem. Things aren't going well with him." Josh explained.
"I see, but you figure that's not the problem I take it?"
"No."
"Could it be a combination of her father's declining health and her busy schedule since she's been back. You have to admit it's been rather hectic around here." Abby pushed, hoping Josh was being honest with himself and her.
"No. Mrs. B, she's not the same woman who left here three weeks ago. She lacks confidence, she's angry all the time, she barely talks to me when we're at home, and of course, she's closed herself off sexually. I'm positive something happened to her in Ohio. I've tried to ignore it hoping I was wrong but she's getting worse. I don't know what to do, I've given up hope on going anywhere near her, and I'm not talking just about sex. Since Saturday morning, I haven't touched her in any way shape or form." Josh sighed.
"Nothing? Not even a good night kiss?" Abby asked.
"No."
"A shoulder message?"
"Nope."
"An arm around her waist?"
"Nothing." Josh admitted. "It's not just about the sex, Mrs. B, I miss our emotional intimacy. I miss her."
The pained look on the younger man's face pulled at the First Lady's heart. "What happened on Saturday?"
"I woke up and found her standing in front of the kitchen sink doing dishes. I walked up behind her, wrapped my arms around her and kissed her on the shoulder."
"And?"
"And she once again flew out of my arms, this time hollering at me to stop."
"Have you asked her what's wrong?"
"Yes. She keeps telling me there's nothing wrong. I finally asked that morning if I've done something wrong. She said no, but then we were interrupted by Donna, she and CJ had made plans to go shopping."
"Okay. Well, Josh, I think you're right to be concerned. I'll see if I can get her to open up to me. If not well, you, Toby, Leo and I can all keep an eye on her. If her job performance starts to suffer Leo can order her to seek counseling for her anger at the very least."
"Kay, I'm sorry to lay this on you, Mrs. B, but I didn't know who else to turn to."
"I'm glad you came to me, Josh. I consider CJ a friend and hate to think she could be suffering and I didn't at least try to help. I'll go see her today."
"Thanks."
Standing up with him, Abby came to stand in front of him placing a hand on each of his cheeks. "You're one of the good guys, Josh. CJ's lucky to have you." With that she pulled his face towards her and placed a kiss on one of his cheeks.
Josh was uncomfortable with the display to say the least, so he quickly thanked her and left her office.
WW
CJ sat at her desk, but her mind was a million miles away, that's why she hadn't noticed when the First Lady had stepped into her office, closing the door behind her.
Abby took advantage of CJ's solitude and took in her friend's appearance. She didn't like what she saw. CJ's face really was etched with anger. It looked as though she'd lost some weight as well, just as Josh had. That fact hadn't been lost on her during his earlier visit.
"CJ." She finally made her presence known.
Looking up, CJ immediately rose to her feet. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't notice you come in. Have you been waiting long?"
"No. Sit, CJ." Abby said while sitting on the couch.
"What can I do for you, ma'am?"
"First, you can forget office protocol and drop with the ma'am."
"Okay."
She decided to cut to the chase, "Josh came to see me this morning." She stated while fixing the younger woman with her best no-nonsense glare.
CJ turned away briefly before looking back at the First Lady. "What did he want?" she was trying her best to remain calm, despite the rapid beating of her heart.
"I think you know." Abby answered.
"Why can't he just drop this? Leave it alone?" CJ sighed.
"Because he loves you!"
"Did he tell you that?" CJ asked, shock written all over her face.
"He didn't have to, CJ. It's obvious. He's extremely worried about you."
"Well, he doesn't have to be."
"Doesn't he?"
CJ bit her bottom lip with that. Try as she might to stop them, tears sprang to her eyes.
Seeing her opportunity, Abby continued, "CJ, we're friends. You can talk to me. If you don't talk to someone soon the result of holding it in is going to be ugly. I can promise you that. CJ, what happened when you went home?"
Nodding her head back and forth the Press Secretary replied, "I can't talk about it, Mrs. Bartlet."
"If you can't talk to me, then find someone else. I could help you with that. We can find someone you trust. This is going to eat away at you."
"I can't." CJ continued to nod her head to emphasize her point. "It'll hurt Josh too much."
Abby blinked at that. So that's what was going on with CJ's reticence, she thought she was protecting Josh. "You're already hurting him by shutting him off, not just physically, but emotionally. So your silence isn't working."
Knowing those words were true, as she'd seen the pained look in Josh's eyes on a daily basis now, a single tear escaped CJ's right eye. "Mrs. Bartlet, I don't know what to do. He's going to be repulsed and hate me. How can I do that to him?"
Abby went to her friend and wrapped her arms around her, folding her into a fierce hug. "CJ, trust me. Josh loves you. He's not going to think any less of you. He'll probably get angry, but not with you." CJ was now openly crying.
The two women sat in their embrace in the middle of CJ's couch for a long while, Abby murmuring to CJ to let it all out, while patting the younger women's back once in a while. Finally, CJ's hold on the First Lady loosened. Abby held CJ at arm's length and gave her a reassuring smile before moving to CJ's bookshelf and grabbing a box of Kleenex. "Here." She handed it to CJ.
"I'll be right back." Abby mentioned before leaving the room.
"Carol."
"Yes, ma'am." CJ's assistant, along with everyone else in the communications bullpen, rose to her feet.
"Don't put through any calls to CJ until I tell you to."
"Yes, ma'am."
Mrs. Bartlet then walked across the open expanse of the bullpen and into Toby's office. Waiting for a break in the conversation he was having with Will she jumped when she found an opening.
"Will, could I speak to Toby privately please."
"Yes, ma'am."
"What can I do for you, Mrs. Bartlet?" Toby asked when Will had gone.
"CJ's afternoon briefing."
"Pardon me?"
"You heard me. You need to do the press briefing."
"Why?"
"CJ's in no shape to do it. That leaves you."
"Again, why?"
"Why what?" she asked.
"What's wrong with CJ."
"It's not my business to say."
"She works for me." Toby countered.
"Toby." Abby warned.
"Can I at least assume it's medical since you're involved?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
Within minutes of leaving, Abby was standing outside CJ's office door. She turned to her secret service agent and asked him if he could see to it that a pot of tea was brought up for she and CJ.
Her return to the room found CJ sitting on her sofa pulling apart the tissue in her hands. "Feeling any better?" Abby asked as she sat down next to her troubled friend.
"A bit, I guess."
Abby smiled at her, "See, talking about it helps."
CJ returned a weak smile. "I don't know if I can. This is really hard."
"Take your time, CJ."
The two women sat silently for approximately ten minutes when a gentle rap sounded on the office door. "Who is it?" Abby called out.
"Melinda from the kitchen, Ma'am." Came the agent's burly voice.
Abby went to the door and retrieved the trolley containing a post of tea, china cups, and a plate of pastries. "Thank-you, Melinda."
"Yes, ma'am."
Once she and CJ were once again settled on the couch, Abby was somewhat surprised, but relieved when CJ started to talk.
"Saturday night, I was at the dinner and dance."
"At your reunion." Abby interrupted to clarify.
"Yes. I'd stepped outside to get some fresh air and call Josh." She smiled. "When I arrived home I found my dad's health has gone down hill, my step-mother has left him, and I'm not sure he should live alone given his current state of mind."
"I'm sorry to hear that." The First Lady placed a hand on CJ's and gave it a squeeze.
"So, I was feeling guilty, angry, hurt, and very much alone. I knew Josh would try to make me laugh. But there was no answer at work or at home so I called his cell. He must have been taking a call because I was immediately directed to his voice mail."
"That's when this guy, Raymond Fiske, approached me. We'd dated a couple times, maybe four or five, during the beginning of our senior year, but nothing more."
CJ took a small break, taking a sip of her tea. Abby noticed the shake in the other woman's hand but said nothing.
"Anyway, we walked back into the building together, talking about where we were in our lives, you know, typical reunion talk." Abby nodded her head in the affirmative.
"As we approached a door of some kind, I noticed he reached for the doorknob but I didn't really think much of it. Before I knew what had happened, he'd opened the door and shoved me inside and had pinned me against the wall."
"I remember being confused at first, wondering where we were and why we were all alone in a dark closet. I was about to tell him my back was hurting because I was pressed against a light switch, but that's when it hit me what was going on. I reached up to hit him, but he grabbed my hand in mind air. By that time our eyes had adjusted to the lighting." She explained.
Abby sat quietly and listened despite the rage that was slowly starting to simmer inside her. Her many years as a general practitioner however were proving vital to her composure at the moment. She couldn't count the number of times she sat listening to women recount their tales of rape or sexual assault. It was however proving a little more difficult this time regardless of her professional training. This was CJ, a friend, telling her what she was sure would be an outrageous tale.
For her part, CJ seemed to have slipped into a trance like state, sinking deeper and deeper into a dark menacing place where her mind seemed to be reliving the horrible events of that Saturday evening.
WW
"Raymond, what are you…we can't do this." CJ struggled as her high school acquaintance grabbed the hand that was about to hit him. He wrapped his large hand around her wrist and placed it against the wall above her head.
"Sure we can, CJ. Maybe this time you'll actually let me score."
"Ray…" was all she could respond before his mouth covered hers and his body plastered itself against hers. She continued to squirm and brought her free hand up placing it between them and pushed as hard as she could. All the while turning her head from side to side, wanting his lips off of hers.
Ray grabbed the hand on his chest and brought it over head, placing it's wrist on her other one, so the two were now easily stilled in his one hand. Allowing his other hand to roam freely. He slowly lowered it letting it trail lightly down the length of her face and neck, until it stopped on her shoulder.
At this point CJ knew she wasn't just in a sticky situation, she was in real trouble. Ray was proving to be stronger than she'd hoped. Her hands weren't about to be set free no matter how hard she struggled. The sensation of his fingers trailing over her skin was sickening. Normally, when Josh did such a thing she'd silently be begging for more and in more exotic places. But this was making her sick. She finally took a chance and bit his lower lip.
"Ouch." He pulled back. "You like it rough, CJ? I can oblige that request."
Once again his mouth was on hers, this kiss filled with pressure, so now here head was slammed against the wall behind her as well. The hand resting on her shoulder began to meander to the front of her blouse, reaching the buttons he undid the first one, then the second.
CJ tried to scream but the noise was just swallowed by her assailant. She tried once again with all her might to free her hands, but his grip remained firm.
With three buttons now undone, Ray slipped his hand into her shirt. Finding her left breast he let out a grunt. He gently brushed his finger over her nipple a couple of times bringing it to a peak. CJ continued her desperate struggle to no avail. Raymond mistook her choked whimper for the sound of pleasure.
"I knew you wanted this, CJ. A man can always tell." He groaned as he grabbed the flimsy fabric of her cup and pushed it aside, freeing her breast from its confines. When his hand touched her naked form all gentleness was washed away. His hand covered her and began to roughly squeeze and twist her flesh.
"That rough enough for ya, CJ?"
CJ closed her eyes and bit down on her lower lip. Pain was shooting through her, she opened her mouth to plead with him once more to stop but he once again covered her mouth with his, slipping his tongue inside her mouth, but only briefly before he began to talk to her once again.
Twisting her breast in the other direction he said, "I can feel you haven't really filled out much since high school, CJ. Don't worry though, I've never been much of a tit man. So you don't have to feel bad about your puny melons."
He stopped groping her and she managed to hold back the tears that had come due to the pain he'd been causing her. That was also when she noticed the bulge in his pants pressing against her, the realization actually made her gag. She began to wonder if this situation would have happened if she'd been able to get a hold of Josh. Probably she decided. Speaking to him would have just delayed the outcome. Ray had probably been lying in wait for her, as she highly doubted this was an impulsive moment in his life. When he began to gyrate his pelvis against hers, CJ wanted to cry but refused to.
"Ray, please…"
Again he cut her words off, "God, CJ. I knew we'd been made for one another. You don't have to beg me for what you want. This just proves to me how desperate you are for a real man. Not to worry babe, I'm here, not some pansy ass yes boy to the president."
He pulled the hand on her breast out of her shirt and reached down tugging on her skirt, bunching it up as he pulled on it.
"No!" CJ cried.
"Yes. Oh yes, CJ, as I said, I've never been a tit man." With her skirt now up around her waist, Ray tugged open her panty hose, and slipped his hand inside. When he encountered her underwear, he tugged them open and slid his hand inside those too, while plastering her with a wet slobbery kiss.
CJ closed her eyes again when she felt his entire hand come to rest on her mound.
Speaking against her lips he groaned, "This is what I've always wanted from you, CJ." He squeezed his hand firmly as if taking possession of her most intimate body part. "Your twat!" He panted.
Exhausted as she was, CJ continued to fight against him. She wanted to vomit but was afraid she'd end up swallowing it back down again so she decided to try her best to numb herself to his touch and vulgarity.
She thought she'd been pretty successful until she felt one of his fingers slip inside her. Instinctively she tried to squeeze herself off to him by closing her legs, but he pressed both of his knees against hers bringing an abrupt halt to her movements.
"No, CJ, lets keep your legs apart. I've managed to keep track of you since you started working at the White House. I have to say, I don't know what you see in that little twerp you're always photographed with at all those fancy parties." He sneered. "I guess it's true what they say about women, you all like a man with power. Well, I may not have political power, CJ, but I can show you my own power."
The tears began to flow with this second mention of Josh; she couldn't believe the hatred in his voice.
Ray's finger continued its exploration of her as he ran his thumb across her clitoris. "Man, I've waited a long time for this moment. Once we're together you can dump that big mouth. Let him know you've found someone who can please you the way a man should." He was openly panting now.
CJ was horrified when she felt herself getting wet. The tears continued to flow more fervently now. This was sick, she needed to get away from this creep, but she couldn't seem to get any leverage against him in order to escape.
"I can't wait to get inside you, CJ, but I want this to last as long as possible, I'm sure you do to."
CJ's brain was running on overdrive. Maybe she could talk herself out of this. "Ray, maybe we should wait so we can be tested." She pleaded.
"No need to worry, CJ. I always use a condom when I'm with those sleazy sluts who walk the streets. I trust you've been careful too, and as for pansy ass, I'm sure before he had you he could afford those high class whores in DC who I've heard carry supplies of safes on them at all times." He now had two fingers inside her.
"But wouldn't you like to be sure, just in case?"
"Nope. I don't think I can wait any longer." He pulled his fingers out.
Relief washed over CJ, but only for a split second. Once his hand was free from within her underwear, she heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper being undone. Probably because of his anticipated excitement he allowed his knees to relax for a second, but that's all she needed. CJ lifted one of her legs with as much force as she could muster and her knee connected with his groin.
Ray doubled over in pain and CJ shot out of the imprisoned broom closet and ran to the closest bathroom. Once there she flew into the closest stall and was immediately sick to her stomach. Not once, but twice. When she trusted her stomach had settled, she went to the sinks and washed herself up. After a few minutes of pulling herself together she looked at her reflection in the mirror and noticed her makeup needed refreshing and suddenly realized her handbag remained in the closet. Pulling her shoulders back she exited the women's bathroom and marched over to the closed, opening the door and said a silent thank-you that it was empty. She reached in and picked her purse up and went back to the ladies room to freshen up.
She returned to the gymnasium just in time to hear her speech introduction.
WW
The tears that CJ had been holding back for almost three weeks came in full force now. She felt ashamed, but also felt some relief now that someone else knew her burden.
The First Lady once again gave CJ some Kleenex, but remained quiet. She felt pained and outraged for her friend, but she was also relieved to find out CJ hadn't actually been raped.
"CJ, you're going to need help dealing with this."
"No, Mrs. Bartlet, if I go for therapy, Josh will know."
"CJ, you can't keep this from him."
"But, I failed him, I betrayed him!" The tears began to flow again.
"That's a bunch of malarkey. Please explain that to me."
In a low voice CJ began. "When Ray first touched my breast, I, or it, reacted." CJ sniffed but continued, "and when he was you know, touching me down there, I became wet! How could I do that?" her voice ended much stronger and with obvious vehemence.
"This is exactly why you need therapy, it's more normal than you'd expect."
"That can't be."
"Yes it can. CJ, if a woman finds the fondling of her breast to be a pleasurable thing, then it'll react whether you want it to or not. It's biological. As for your secretions your body was anticipating being penetrated and was preparing for it. Nothing more, in other words, your body kicked into survival mode. A good therapist will help you come to terms with it."
"Mrs. Bartlet."
"CJ, I'm serious, you need help, and if you were my patient I'd suggest Josh get help as well. And if you think as a friend I'm going to suggest anything different than you're mistaken."
WW
About an hour later the First Lady knocked on Josh's open office door. "Josh."
"Oh, Mrs. B." He was immediately on his feet.
"Sit."
Josh did as he was told, "Did you talk to her?"
"Yes."
"And?"
"And I have good news and bad news. The good news is she wasn't raped."
"Thank God." Josh whispered relief washing over him.
"She was however sexually assaulted."
The immediate rage that filled Josh had him up on his feet and pacing a split second after the First Lady made her announcement. "And there's a difference?" he yelled.
"Physically and legally, yes. Emotionally, no." The first lady remained calm. She didn't even bother to tell Josh to do the same. It would fall on deaf ears and he would do well to get it out of his system before facing CJ.
"I knew it. I should have forced the issue sooner! Why did I let this go on for so long?"
"Josh…"
"I should have went with her."
"You didn't know this would happen. So don't blame yourself."
"She asked me to go, but like the asshole I am, I figured I'd be bored to death, so I hid behind work!"
Abby remained silent when Josh had stopped hollering. She watched as he paced the floor running a hand through his hair. "Where is she?" he finally asked.
"I sent her home with an agent." When panic raced across his face she added, "A female agent.
The panic disappeared with her last words, "I need to go to her."
"Yes, you do. But, Josh, I think you should hear the story first. It's critical you understand what she's thinking right now."
"Which is?"
"Guilt and shame."
"What, that's insane!"
"Sit, Josh." With that the first lady recounted CJ's story to him, omitting the parts where Raymond mentioned Josh's existence. She'd been impressed when he sat down beside her, listened without interruption, and hadn't freaked out at the end. She could tell he was having difficulty processing the image of another man having violated CJ in such a way.
She also explained to him just as she had to CJ why her body had reacted the way it had. Josh seemed to accept her theory much easier than CJ had.
"I need to let Leo know I'm leaving."
"I've already spoken to him." She said.
"Did you tell him what happened?"
"Yes."
"How'd he take it?"
"He was shocked, but concerned. He understands you'd be useless the rest of the day if you stayed." She explained. "CJ also has tomorrow off and an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in sexual crimes. It would be a good idea for you to seek counseling for this as well. As a matter of fact, Doctor McKay wouldn't be surprised if you showed up tomorrow morning with CJ."
"Okay."
"Now, on your way out of the building, I want you to stop by the kitchen. I've already called them and they're preparing a dinner for you to take home, both you and CJ look like you could use an old fashioned home cooked meal."
"Mrs. B…"
"Josh, just do as you're told for once." She smiled.
"If you insist."
"I do, now go home."
TBC…