I just want you to know who I am
She didn´t sleep. She just laid there in the dark. In her bed. And staring at her. The moon shone so bright through the window, she could see her very well. The light so bright and kind of silver, she looked even more pretty than usual. If that was even possible. Her red hair seemed like glitter. Millions of little red diamonds. And everything looked so smooth under the moon light. Soft hair, soft skin and... soft lips. They were slightly open, she could hear her breathing. She suddenly wanted to touch her, wanted to feel that soft skin, but she knew she couldn´t.
And again this night she asked herself why she always did that to herself. Her room was just some stairs away but when Chloe asked her to stay this night, she couldn´t say no. And she didn´t want to. Why would she? Chloe was her best friend and she loved spending time with her. Especially now with graduation so close. She knew this time would be over soon. So she had to live the moment or ´live for tonight´ as Flo would say. She didn´t want to miss her and knew she could have spent more time with her. But Beca didn´t want to think about this now.
Her eyes were still on Chloe´s slightly open lips. She heard her breathing and saw how her body moved slowly to it. She was so close to her face she could even feel Chloe´s breath on her. She could inhale her warm and sweet breath, she could almost taste it. The light mint note from her toothpaste mixed with her body lotion that had a floral scent. The air was getting thick between them but Beca didn´t want to move. She loved it.
Even if it was uncharacteristic for her, because normally she didn´t like it if people come into her personal space or things like body contact. But it was different with Chloe. She didn´t expect that other would understand, she can´t really understand it either. Everything was just so easy with her, she changed her and she was the only one who saw the real Beca.
The Beca that hid herself under her sarcasm and jokes. Because usually that´s what makes people go away, because they can´t deal with it. And when they don´t go, Beca pushed them away. It was easy this way. Nobody who could come too close. Nobody who could break her heart.
And yet, Chloe wasn´t afraid of that. Of her self-protection, the shell Beca built up around herself. If only she had known that it already began to crack when Chloe surprised her in the shower. Bit by bit, Chloe made that shell crack more and more, until it finally broke and Beca stood there, exposed. Ready to get hurt. But Chloe never hurt her. She just let herself in and got close to her. Very close.
Instead, Beca is the only one who hurt herself. Knowing that she is so close to her but simultaneously this closeness wasn´t enough for her. And it hurt her that she had such feelings for her best friend. She wasn´t supposed to. For a long time, Beca told herself that it is normal. She loved Chloe. Everyone loved their best friend. But after they met Das Sound Machine and Kommissar messed with her head, Beca knew she couldn´t fight the truth in her own lie anymore.
The truth that she loved Chloe, the lie that it was just the normal, platonic love you have for your friend. She was in love with her. And that hurt her, because she knew those feelings will always be one-sided and that she had to hide them. But this pain assured her that she is still alive. Not back again in her shell where mostly those things felt numb. So even if it was hurting, she´d rather have this "little" ache than loosing Chloe. Because that is what would happen if she knew. Things would get awkward between them and Beca didn´t want that.
The shell was open. For Chloe. She was the only one Beca let in, ever. She didn´t want the rest of the world to see her. See how vulnerable she was in reality. They wouldn´t understand. Chloe is the only person who could understand.
So there she was. In Chloe´s bed at midnight, with the full moon shining through the window, while Chloe was sleeping. She really tried to sleep but after she felt how close Chloe came to her, after she felt asleep, she couldn´t. She was too aware of the arm around her hips, how she felt immediately heat rising up in her body. And she didn´t even felt tired. She could lie there and watch Chloe forever. So peaceful and beautiful.
But suddenly Chloe´s arm moved away from Beca´s hips and fell onto the bed sheet in front of her. There it was, in the really small space between them. Her hand just lying there.
Beca felt the urge to intertwine her fingers with Chloe´s. She wanted to hold it, feel her warm and soft skin. Trace her fingers along Chloe´s arm.
But she couldn´t and the pain in her chest came back. She bit on her lip, tried to focus and looked from Chloe´s hand to her face again. Her lips weren´t open any longer and her brows were slightly knitted. Beca wondered if she dreamed something bad and wished nothing more than being able to place a light kiss between her brows. To comfort her and reassure her that it was only a bad dream, like she was a kid.
And it hurt her again. She should be able to do that. Graduation would be soon and then the Worlds and everything would be over. Who knows where everyone is going? If they would be still in contact. There are so many stories of people who lost the contact after college. Sooner or later it would be over. She didn´t want to miss her... so now or never?
Beca felt fear rising in her. She didn´t know if rejection is something she could handle. She didn´t have to experience that because nobody got so close to her, inside her shell. But now Chloe was. And it made Beca realize that Chloe thought she knew the ´real Beca´, but wasn´t it just a lie if Beca still kept her true feelings away from her? That realization hit her hard and she froze.
In that moment she heard a difference in Chloe´s breath. It sounded louder and quicker and suddenly her eyes were open. She blinked slowly and looked at Beca. None of them said anything, they just looked each other in the eyes. And if Beca thought that Chloe´s eyes were beautiful before, she didn´t see them in moon light before. She couldn´t even find a word to describe how they look now. Her ice blue eyes in silver glittery light.
"You woke me"
Her voice was deep and raspy.
"I´m sorry."
She must have felt the quick movement Beca´s body made when it froze.
"Why are you awake?"
She rubbed her eyes with her hands and yawned while speaking.
"Nothing. I just thought about some things. You should sleep again."
"Thoughts that keep you away from sleeping... doesn´t sound like ´nothing´. You sure you´re okay?"
Chloe is always so attentive and concerned about other people. And yet, she didn´t push them to tell anything. You just had the feeling that her concerns are really honest and that she wants to know what´s wrong with you. But she´s okay with it, if you don´t want to talk about it.
She placed her hand on Beca´s and squeezed it a little bit. Made her aware that she is there for her. And this little movement was enough for Beca to break. It broke her that she wasn´t able to tell Chloe the truth. That she made her believe she knew the ´real´ Beca. And slowly little tears started running down her face.
Chloe´s eyes widened.
"Oh no Beca, did I say something wrong? I´m so sorry."
Even in this moment where it is completely clear that she didn´t do anything wrong, she still apologized. Her hand stayed on Beca´s.
"No no, god – no." She wiped the tears away and brought herself in a sitting position.
"It´s me. It´s just me. I just realized something."
Chloe followed her and sat next to her, made sure that they were able to look at each other.
"You know you can tell me."
"I know. But then again, I don´t."
"What does that mean? I thought we can tell each other everything.."
And you could see how sad Beca´s last sentence made her because her eyes lost that natural happy shine they had. And she felt tears rising up again, but fought against them. She didn´t want to cry now.
"You know, that´s the thing. I think you don´t really know me, because I kept something from you. Something important. And because I´m an idiot I never told you."
The words were so heavy for Beca. She swallowed hard and made too long pauses after each word. But if she stopped now, maybe there won´t be the opportunity to tell her ever again. And Chloe didn´t interrupt her, gave her time to say what she wanted.
"And I realized how little time we have now. Who knows what will happen with us after we graduate? So when everything is made to be broken anyway..."
Beca made a pause, swallowed again and looked Chloe deep in her eyes and took her hands.
"I want you to know how I really feel. I just want you to know who I am."
With that, Beca slowly moved her head towards Chloe´s, until their lips met.
And kissed her.