I, too, miss my short stories. I'm so sick of Second Best I just wanna quit, but y'all wouldn't like that, would ya?
I'm not sure if this one's as good as some of my others, but I'll just cross my fingers…
Disclaimer: I don't own Mighty Ducks. Kudos to you that do!
(By the way, I have no idea what Phil's middle name is, so I made one up. It'll also show up in a later fic, too, just so y'know)
Phil's Club
Nosedive opened up the refrigerator and pulled out a Mountain Dew. He got a large glass out and set it down on the table. He poured the Mountain Dew in it, along with the Surge he got out moments before. He poured twenty Pixie Sticks in it, along with a half a cup of sugar. He mixed it up really well and took a drink. His whole face scrunched up.
"Ooh…sweet!" he said. "Needs more sugar."
That's when he noticed the strands of hair all over the table. "Looks like Mal's shedding again…" he said. He dumped more sugar into his glass. He picked up his empty cup of Starbucks Espresso and tossed it in the trash as he left the kitchen with his "soda".
"So I'm thinking we go to Lectric Land later and get some more memory for the PC, maybe some more blank disks, can you guys think of anything else we need?" asked Tanya, going over her checklist.
"Yea, a strait jacket for Dive," said Duke. "He's bouncin' of de walls today…literally!"
Dive was too busy running into the wall on the other side of the Ready Room to hear that.
"Whee!"
THUMP"Ow! Hahaha! Whee!!!"
THUMP"Ow! Hahaha! Whee!!!"
THUMP"Ow! Hahahaha!"
"What did he have in that glass of his?" asked Mallory.
"No idea…do I even wanna know?" asked Wildwing.
"My guess is…no…" said Duke.
Grin came in through the door with a box and dodged Nosedive, who went prancing into the hallway. He shook his head sadly. "Poor little friend…his aura is poisoned…'
"With what?" asked Wildwing.
"Well, judging by the empty cans of highly-caffenated soft drinks plus the several wrappers of Pixie Sticks, something horrible…" replied Grin.
"Wait a minute…didn't he get an espresso from Starbucks this morning?" asked Mallory.
The room fell silent.
"Uh oh…" said Wildwing.
"Hey, what's in the box, Grin?" asked Tanya.
"Something for Phil…" the big Duck said.
That's when they heard the crash.
"Oh crap…" said Wildwing, running through the door.
The Ducks led Nosedive into the room. He was shaking uncontrollably. "It hurts when you run into a bunch of hockey equipment…" he said laughing. They sat him down on the couch.
"Stay…" said Tanya.
"Now, where's the box from?" asked Mallory.
"Well," said Grin, "I have no idea."
"Is there a return address?" asked Tanya.
Wildwing took the box and examined it. "Here we go…it's from the Hair Club for Men!"
"Then it must be for you, bro," said Nosedive from the couch.
"That's not funny…" Wing said over his shoulder.
"Course it is!" Dive shouted back. He started laughing, but he couldn't stop.
"Someone get him a muzzle…" sighed Mallory.
"…or a croquet mallet…" said Duke.
"Boobies!" shouted Phil, coming through the door. "Did the mail guy deliver a package of any sort?"
Nosedive laughed harder. He walked up to Phil. "Oh Philly! My poor, poor Philly!" he said. "He's turning into an old geezer…" he added in baby-talk. He started to mess up Phil's hair.
Phil screamed. "Ahh! You didn't read who it was from, did you?"
"Course we did, Phil," said Duke.
Phil grabbed the box from Wildwing and ran out the door. "Hey don't worry, Phil!" called Wildwing, "It's just a sign that your growing up like a normal, healthy boy!" The Ducks started laughing. Except Dive.
"Dive? Are you ok?" asked Wing.
Dive just stood there. He didn't look so good.
"Dive? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, but if you would excuse me… I really gotta throw up…" he turned and hurried out of the room.
The others just stared at the door.
"Ok, I really wanted to know that…" said Duke, covering his stomach.
"Stupid ducks…" cursed Phil in his office. "Ooh man…they're gonna regret this…a man's mail is supposed to be private…isn't that a felony or something? Oh I don't know…AHH! NO NO NO NOT ANOTHER ONE!" He picked the hair off of the desk. "No no! You can't go, too!" He stuck one end in his mouth and tried to stick it back on his head. It fell back out.
"NOOOOO!!!!" Phil shouted. "Stupid Ducks! They're making me lose my hair! I'LL SUE!!! Yeah, that's right! I'll sue! They'll be sorry the ever messed with Phil T. Palmfether! HAHAHAHAHAHA!……..NOOOOO!!!! Not another one! Stupid Ducks! Grr…"
He pulled the scotch tape out of his drawer. He pulled several strips off and stuck them to his head. "There we go…NO!" There were a couple strands of hair on his jacket. He pulled out the bottle of glue. "I'll fix it! I'll fix it! Don't worry, you'll be fine! I can't let my hair go! Chicks love the hair! …and the looks, and the charm…heh heh…but that's beside the point! I can't lose my hair!" He dumped the glue on his head, laughing hysterically. "Must… save… the…hair…"
There was a knock at the door. "Dive?"
"Come in…" came the weak voice from inside.
Wildwing stepped into the dark room. Nosedive was lying on the floor on his back with on arm draped over his eyes. The bathroom light was on and the toilet ready in case of emergency.
"How are you doing?" asked Wildwing.
"What a sugar rush…gnarly…whoa…" Dive said with a chuckle.
"You are an idiot," Wing said, folding his arms.
"Thank you."
Wildwing sighed. What am I going to do with you? he thought to himself. He sat down on the floor next to his brother. "Well, I just came in to check on you. I've decided to stay hear and keep an eye on you. The others took Phil to the emergency room…"
"Why?"
"I don't know how it happened, but somehow he cut a huge gash in his arm with the tape dispenser…" Dive chuckled. "…I have no idea what he was doing, though. I'm not sure that hair club of his works too well. He had something disgusting in his hair…like glue or putty or something…and also tape. It was sticking up all over the place in clumps." Wing laughed.
"Aww man, and I missed it…" said Dive.
"Duke got his picture before they left…" Wing said. Dive laughed, moaned, and clutched his stomach.
"You aim for me and you'll be losing your hair, too…" Wildwing threatened.
"Naw, nothing like that, just hurts to laugh…" said Dive.
They sat in silence for a few moments. Finally Nosedive spoke. "Would you really do something to my hair?"
"I'm tempted. I'll come in at night and cut it all off! Ha ha ha…"
"Yea, but I'd seek my revenge…"
"How?"
"Heh heh heh wouldn't you like to know…"
Wildwing let the matter drop. He wasn't going to do anything to his brother's hair. He secretly liked it, but just nagged him for it because it's the brotherly thing to do.
"We're back!" said Mallory. Wing and Dive were sitting on the couch watching TV. Dive was sipping Sprite through a bendy straw. He wasn't in the mood for any more pop, but Wing made him drink it anyway.
"So, what happened?" asked Wing.
"Well, the doctor gave him stitches…"
"Did he get a lampshade so he won't chew on them?"
"No, Nosedive, he didn't get a lampshade…"
"Aww man!"
"Anyway," said Mallory, "We also had the doctor do something with his hair. There was little he could do, so…" He motioned for Duke to bring him in. After much protest, Phil came in.
The doctor had to shave his head to get all the glue and tape out. Phil was completely bald.
Wildwing and Nosedive were laughing hysterically.
"Ah! The Light! The light is blinding me!" Dive said, covering his eyes. "My retinas are burning! AHHH!!!"
Wildwing just laughed harder.
Phil just stomped out of the room. "I'll sue them all!" he yelled.