Not Today
By: Maranni123
Disclaimer: I'm in a mood tonight. Personal life has been rather trying these past few weeks and I figured that I might as well channel my light depression into something creative. So, here's a rather sad little one-shot based more or less on true trying times. Enjoy.
(xXxXxXx)
He'd known from the very start that it would end in heart break.
James T. Kirk was many things. Cocky, stubborn, egotistic. But for everything that he was, Jim wasn't stupid. He was a genius, with the highest scores in his class. He hadn't deluded himself into thinking that they would last. He'd known that they were destined to fall apart.
From the very beginning he'd known, and yet that horrible knowledge did nothing to stop him from diving head first into disaster. And now, alone in his quarters, a sad smile on his face, Jim chuckled softly at his own stupidity.
It had started off innocently enough. Jim wasn't good with being on someone's bad side, he wanted to be a good terms with everyone aboard his ship, and he had tried to better the rocky working relationship they had shared. A possible sexual conquest had been the farthest thing from his mind as their working relationship slowly and cautiously moved into friendship. Contrary to popular belief, Jim had been happy with their friendship.
As it had grown stronger and stronger with each passing mission, Jim had been perfectly content with the friendship, the comradeship, which they'd shared. Jim had had many acquaintances, but he'd had few true friends. He could tell you the names of every crew member aboard his ship, but could only name a few names that had great personal importance to him. So to Jim, that friendship, the closeness that they shared, it was a rarity that Jim vowed to treasure.
Time passed. Their first five-year mission ended and with it, came another shortly after. The crew was still young and fresh. Having started the first mission being the youngest crew in Starfleet, it wasn't surprising that, after only two months of shore leave, Starfleet would send them back out to continue their explorations.
But they hadn't cared. Space was where they belonged and although the risks were as high as ever, they had been happy to be home aboard the Enterprise once again.
They had stayed in touch over shore leave, so their reunion wasn't all that exciting. The friendship they had shared was as strong as ever and during the first two years of their second five-year mission, all was right. Of course they'd had their ups and downs, but they'd managed to pull through in the end. Everything was, more or less, perfect.
Until the beginning of their third year. Jim had known that, while their friendship was as strong as could be, going any further would possibly ruin everything that they had. So when certain feelings began to show in his heart, Jim had pushed them away, stating that his feelings would never be returned. And for awhile, that worked. It is ridiculously easy for someone with enough strength to hide their true feelings. It had been easy for Jim to ignore the butterflies in his stomach and the longing in his heart. He would never act on them, he told himself. That made ignoring his feelings easier, telling himself that he was chasing after someone he could never have.
That all changed in a single night. Surprisingly enough, it hadn't been him to suggest the idea. Their friendship was so great, they were so close; why not take that next step? And if by some chance that it didn't work, they were close enough to remain friends. They would be able to make it through. He'd known from the beginning that it was a bad idea. A stupid idea. Jim would only get hurt in the end.
But he'd done it anyway.
It had been fun while it had lasted. Their relationship had moved into something more than friendship, but less than a romantic one. Jim honestly wasn't sure of what they'd been. The sex had been amazing, there was no doubt about that. And they had done more than just sex. They'd talked. Tangled together in bed, they'd shared ideas, kinks, and beliefs. They were the best of friends, sharing their bodies with care and tenderness.
But they could never be more than that.
It was Jim who ruined it all. Of course, they'd loved each other, in the way that close friends do. But friendship wasn't the only thing that Jim felt when they'd meet in his quarters after shift or for meals. There was love on Jim's half, true, emotional love. He loved what they had, he loved the person that shared his bed. He never wanted to let it go. The idea terrified him, but instead of running away as he usually did, Jim embraced it with open arms.
Spock didn't.
"We can never share anything more than friendship Jim. I can not provide to you the committed relationship that you seek. I see now that this entire proposal was in error. I apologize for any discomfort that I caused you. I suggest that we return to how things were in the past, in order to repair the friendship that we have."
Sitting alone in his quarters, a half-empty bottle of whiskey in his hands, Jim let out another sad chuckle and felt a few tears escape him.
Soon, he'll be able to look his First Officer in the face again. Soon, he'll be able to smile at Spock without forcing himself not to flinch. After all, they were the closest of friends. They would make it through this bump, just like they always did. But for now, he'll wallow in his own self-induced misery, mourning over something that never truly was.
He could never be anything more to him. He was nothing more than a friend to Spock. And one day, he'll be perfectly happy with that fact.
One day. But not today.
(xXxXxXx)
A/N: Short and sad, but it helped me a bit with my funk, so I liked it. It was easy to write. Anyway, reviews are lovely and will make me ever so happy. :D Good night everyone!