Tobi: OMG! I actually got around to writing this thing! Ok, so this was based of a dream I had last year then I told my friend and we had a conversation about it and speculating where Vatican is and random stuff that should happen... and yeah, this appeared. HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FINDING NEMO! Got that? Good! Barbie was actually in the dream... 0_o
Warning: implied stuff, France (this should be rated M since he's in here for more than a second), The Onion, Romano's poetic language, OOC?, England and America and France, randomness, implied stuff (got to add this a second time?), Vatican City's in here so what do you think
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia (even if Hidekaz is in my closet ~hides from cops~), The Onion, Disneyland, Barbie (even if I have collectables? in my closet), Kill Bill (even if I have it on DVD), hamburgers, walkie talkies, sexy personifications of countries, Vatican City (anyone want him? he's trying to get me confirmed... so is Prussia and he's convincing everyone on his side... ~hides from themm all~), phones of the sexy personified countries, thoughts that go through America's head, uh... Catholicism?
Finding Vatican
(One-shot)
On a fine ordinary day, Italy was waiting for Vatican City to show. That was 2 hours ago. The brunette stared at the door, a worried look on his face. Vatican is never late to a meeting, especially meetings that involved having Italy present, nor would the man leave him alone in his office. That could only mean one thing.
"Vatican City is missing!" Italy cried.
"What are you yelling about now?" an irritated voice asked. Italy turned around and came face with England. He didn't look too happy after Italy ran around screaming his head off.
"Vatican City is missing!" Italy cried, fresh tears starting to fill up his eyes. Sure Italy and Vatican City don't get along often but that doesn't mean he can't be concerned over his well being, especially with the man's old age.
"Wait," England said, trying to make sure he heard right, "You're saying Vatican City went missing?"
Italy quickly nodded but was surprised when he got jerked forward. England had grabbed his hand and started dragging the Italian to who knows where. The blonde whipped out his phone and called a certain American.
"Who, what, where, now?" America asked before taking a bite out of his hamburger. All he was able to hear was England freaking out.
"I said Vatican City is missing and you need to get your #!*% over here now!" England shouted in his phone, Italy becoming concerned over America's eardrums. America held his phone a distance away from him. He blinked a couple times to make sure England's yelling didn't cause any damage before replying.
"Don't get your undies in a knot, England! I'll be there ASAP!" With that America hung up and shoved the rest of his hamburger into his mouth.
"What did you say, Iggy?" France asked in disbelief, "Vatican is missing? No, no, no! You must be mistaken if not drunk! ... Of course I don't have him here! ... Yes, I'm sure, you dirty minded punk!"
"What's that?" Prussia asked, not believing his ears, "Don't worry! You've called the right person for the job! The awesome Prussia will find Vatican City in no time! By the way, tell Ita-chan I say hi!"
"Alright, England," Germany said, "I'll gather my search unit right away. Take care of Italy for me."
"Oh, Vatican City went missing?" Russia said, "Tell Italy not to worry. I'll help look! I'm sure we'll find him, da?"
"V-Vatican City went missing?" Latvia asked.
"Vatican City is missing?" Estonia asked, quickly drawing on a map, "Well, I have quickly devised a map and a point at his last known location with a two hour radius surrounding that point to signify how far he could have gone. All means of transportation have been calculated for."
"Ah, Vatican City is missing?" Lithuania asked, "I'll help look for him!"
"Ah, Vatican City-san?" Japan calmly asked, "Are you sure? ... Ok, I'll connect to all space satellites and see if I can locate his phone signal. Hopefully we'll find him... Alright then, I'm on my way"
"Vatican City is missing?" Hungary asked then exclaimed, "Oh dear, in that case, Austria and I will help"
"Vatican City..." Belarus said, and after a short pause continued, "I'll help look for him if you help me marry Brother"
"Oh my, Vatican City is missing?" Ukraine asked, worried about the man's being, "How terrible! I'll be willing to help!"
"Did you say Vatican City is missing?" China asked, "Are you sure? ... Don't worry. Hong Kong and I will help, aru!"
"What do you want, Jerk-England?" Sealand asked, "What was that? ... Hahaha! You do realize that now that you got me involved, you recognize me as an actual countr-! ... What? ... Nooo. I haven't seen him... Maybe I'll stay at home... Fine!"
"What's that? Vatican's missing? ... Don't worry! Sweden and I are on it!" Finland said before hanging up and dragging Sweden out the door behind him.
"Oh, what's that?" Denmark asked, "Yeah, yeah! We'll be there!" He hung up and shouted, "Norway! Iceland! Vatican's missing and we got to help find him!"
Less than twenty minutes later the whole heard the news and decided to help find the missing man, even all the non-Catholic countries. If any of the countries had refused to help search, they were forced to anyways.
"Hey, hey! England!" America called, "What's up?" The American, for some odd reason, had a Ken and Barbie doll with him.
"Why are you so cheerful when Vatican is still missing? And what's with the dolls?" England shouted.
"Is that what we're doing now?" America asked as if this was news to him. It was at this moment that France appeared.
"Yes!" the shorter blonde shouted, ready to slap the other silly, "Now help us find Vatican City or I'll take your Barbies and give them to my unicorn for lunch! Or France!" England grabbed the Ken doll and tossed it to the side, hitting France in the face.
"Oh noes!" America cried, "France got Ken! Barbie's gonna be all alone then snap and turn into the heroine from Kill Bill!"
"No, she's not!" England shouted. France stared at the Ken doll his hand then at America.
"You'll never have Ken!" he shouted, almost sounding like a villain. England was unprepared for France's unexpected behavior but tried to glare holes in the Frenchman's head nonetheless. The others were starting to come and Italy stared between the three, unsure of what to do.
"What about Vatican City?" he asked, tears in his eye threatening to fall. England sighed as he grabbed a doll out from his jacket and smacked the other two blondes with it.
"This is no time for playing dolls!" the Brit scolded as he dragged them to where the others were. No one bother to question why England was carrying a doll with him.
Germany split everyone up into small groups and sent them to different parts of the world to search for Vatican City. For days they searched but didn't find him. They searched the entire world at least twenty times before the twelve day mark hit. Some were starting to lose hope.
"Vatican City!" Italy called, "You in here?" He was checking the man's office once more. His lower lip trembled when he didn't find him.
"Where could he be?" he asked.
"Don't worry, Italy," Germany said, trying to comfort his friend.
"Vatican! Vatican!" Prussia called, "Vatti! Vatti! Va-! ... Wait. Why am I calling him Vatti? He's not my Vatti! Vaddy! Vaddy!"
"What is it, Jerk-England? Are you ready to beg for my help-?" Sealand victoriously asked but was interrupted by the man on the other end, "No. I still haven't seen him around here"
"Vatican City sure is hard to find, da?" Russia said as he searched the streets of Italy. The Trembling Trio nodded in agreement as they literally search every speck of land.
"Don't worry, Brother," Belarus said.
"I know. We'll find him-!"
"I won't be hard to find"
"..." Russia took a step away and ran off to search the conveniently placed men's restroom.
"It's a small world after all! It's a sm-!" America sang but was attack by a voodoo doll belonging to a certain thick-eyebrowed British blonde.
"You've been singing that song on loop for three hours now! Will you just shut up?" England shouted. France whispered a small thank you to God.
"Well, you said we were going to Disneyland!" America complained.
"I did not!" England countered, "I haven't even mentioned that name or made any sort of reference to that place!"
"Yes, you did!" America replied, "You said we were going to Vatican City!"
"What does that have to do with Disneyland?" England muttered, wanting to know what stupid American logic could possibly make a connection between the two.
"Easy!" America stated, "Vatican City is the Catholic Disneyland!"
"..." England shot his hands out at the American, wanting so badly to strangle him. France had the same thought as he put a painfully strong grip on America's shoulder.
"Y-Yes, France?"
"America, your #!*% is mine now!"
"You shouldn't believe everything the Onion tells you, you stupid git!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
"Bruder to Liech! Bruder to Liech! Do you copy?" Switzerland spoke into the walkie talkie.
"This is Liech! I hear you loud and clear!" Liechtenstein replied.
"Have you found anything yet?"
"Nothing here. How about over there, Bruder?"
"Nothing here, either"
"I've got word that everybody's heading back to checkpoint!"
"Alright, I'll meet you there, Liech"
Everyone met up at the meeting spot in Vatican City. Random tourists and civilians stared at the large group as they walked by.
"So no one's found him?" Germany asked, some hanging their heads in shame. The German didn't want to ask why America looked like he just got painfully violated. Prussia was sitting far from the group, not ready to admit he failed to locate the missing man.
"We've searched everywhere for twelve days and there has been no sign of him!" someone shouted.
"What could have, like, possibly happened to him? It's almost like he, you know, like, fell off the face of the Earth!" another said and soon everyone was talking and trying to say something. Germany tried to silence their talking a couple times but with temporary results. Italy started to cry at the thought of never seeing Vatican City ever again, causing the German to awkwardly comfort him.
"WHAT IS GOING ON?"
Everyone fell silent and turned to the new voice. There before them stood the one and only Vatican City, looking confused at everyone's presence.
"Vatican City!" Italy happily cried, bringing the confused man into a hug.
"Vatican City's back, aru!"
"Well, isn't that great news, da?"
"Yes. Now we can continue onto important matters, such as our wedding. Right, Brother?"
"Uh..."
"I'll promise to never to call you Catholic Disneyland ever again!"
"You better not, you twat!"
"I agree with Iggy for once. The punishment next time won't be as gentle"
"Liech to Bruder! Liech to Bruder! It appears Vatican has been found!"
"Liechtenstein, I'm right here..."
"I know, Bruder. It's just that we don't use these as much..."
"Y-You could... use it as much as you like! I'm not stopping you, Liechtenstein!"
"Ah, thank you, Bruder!"
"Hahaha! The awesome Prussia knew exactly where he was! I knew he was here this whole time! That's why I, the most awesome Prussia, decided to have the meeting spot here!"
"Bruder, I chose the meeting spot"
"Ve~! I agree with Germany! Sorry, Prussia!"
"No! Ita-chan! You're supposed to be on my side!"
"Ve~! Sorry!"
"Romano, look! It's Vatican City! Now you can stop looking for a priest to say your confessions to!"
"Good! That ba-! Wait... Is it a sin to call him a #!*% for making people worried about him?"
"I think it's a sin to call anyone a #!*% ..."
"Greece-san, wake up. Vatican City has been found."
"Has he now, Japan-san? ...I see, he has... Let's go and take a nap together..."
"Ah, Greece-san! I'm not sure if you should be sleeping here in the middle of the path! ...Greece-san, wake up!"
"No, Jerk-England, I still haven't seen-!" Sealand said as he answered the phone but was interrupted by the other, "Oh! ...Ok, bring me back a cool toy or something!"
"Will someone please tell me, what is going on?" Vatican City desperately asked, wishing someone would just tell him already.
"Ve~! You went missing and we were searching all over the place for you but we couldn't find you for days!" Italy replied, refusing to let go of the man in fear he might disappear again.
"What are you talking about?" Vatican asked.
"You were believed to have gone missing and a search party was gathered to search all over the world for you. We've been searching for twelve days," Germany explained.
"Why? I wasn't missing!" Vatican exclaimed.
"We searched the whole world and still couldn't find you," Germany stated, trying to make sense of things, "If you weren't missing then where were you?"
"I don't know what you're all talking about but I was in the bathroom," Vatican City explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "I even told Italy that before I left him in my office"
"He did?" Germany asked, staring angrily at the Italian, who nervously nodded.
"V-Ve, I guess I forgot?" he said, scared at the possibility of Germany releasing his anger. Off to the side, Prussia shouted something along the lines of "That is not awesome!" while America said something along the lines of "That is so not cool, man! Not cool at all, man!"
"Wait," England said, "So you're telling us that for the past twelve days, you were in the bathroom?"
"Yes," Vatican firmly answered, "So, I was not missing!"
"I don't want to know any specifics," France spoke up, "but why were you in the bathroom for twelve days?"
"Well, at first, it was only a few hours, I think five," Vatican explained, "then I fell asleep"
Everyone stared at him in disbelief.
"You were asleep for twelve days?" Germany asked, finding no logic whatsoever.
"Yes! It'll happen to all of you when you become my age!" Vatican sternly said.
"..." Everyone was silent. None knew what to say... except China.
"I'm pretty sure I'm a lot older than you and I don't do that, aru!"
"Perhaps you don't realize it!" Vatican suggested. Everyone decided to walk away and go home or do something "productive" as some of them said.
"Ve~! I'm so glad you're alright!" Italy exclaimed.
"Now, Italy," Vatican sternly said, "You need to listen and remember what people say or these kinds of things might happen"
"Ve, sorry"
"Just listen to what's being told to you from now on, ok?"
"Ve~! Ok! Oh, oh! So why were we having a meeting?"
"Oh, the meeting! I just wanted to see how you're keeping up with your faith!"
"Ve~! I am! I am!"
"And your brother? Has he, too?"
"Yes! Yes!"
"So you two finally got out of your homosexual relationship phase, right?"
"..." Italy slowly walked away, not liking were this was going. This was one of the reasons why they don't get along often. Vatican thinks the two Italians are in a relationship with Germany and Spain. Italy and Romano then tries to convince him that they're just... really REALLY good friends. With Italy sleeping in Germany's bed naked, that's hard to prove.
"Italy!" Vatican sternly called.
"We were never in a phase! We're just really good friends! Please believe me!" Italy cried, starting to run away now.
"Italy, get back here! Confess your sins! Ask the Father to be saved!" Vatican shouted, chasing after Italy. For an old man, he sure can run. After that, everything was back to normal! Now stop reading! The story's over! Goodbye! ¡Adiós! Farewell! さようなら! Au revoir! Auf Wiedersehen! Arrivederci! До свидания! Just stop reading now! The translator's running out of languages! Bye! The end! Something!
Tobi: Ok, if anyone's confused by that large thing where everyone's like "Vatican City is missing?" they're on their phones! for some it's more obvious but I didn't feel like writing a dozen time how they pick up their phones or hang up or whatever...
At the end, Romano and Spain, Germany and Italy... sure they're just really good "friends", suuuure... fans beg the differ... Yeah, Vatican seems like he'd get on their case about it...
Don't believe everything The Onion tells you!
I won't tell you what they did to America...
Why was Romano looking for a priest to say his confessions to? You'll never know...
"Vatti" means "father" in German... right?
"Bruder" means "brother" in German... right?
I read somewhere that it's France who calls England "Iggy" not America 0_o
Poor Sealand being the only one who didn't help find Vatican City...
Wait... IT'S A FANFIC WHERE FRANCE KEEPS HIS CLOTHES ON THE WHOLE TIME 0_o and switzerland doesn't touch a single gun and no one inflicts pain on France and Italy has pants/short/whatever and Germany doesn't clean and Italy didn't make pasta and Romano doesn't hurt Spain (physically) and England doesn't cook and Prussia has less screentime than Vatican...
Blame whatever crack I was on when I had the dream... or when writing this...
I should really stop now...
What the translator gave me when I typed in "Goodbye!" in:
Japanese- さようなら!
French- Au revoir!
German- Auf Wiedersehen!
Italian- Arrivederci!
Russian- До свидания!
so if any of those are wrong, blame the translator!