Disclaimer: Don't own anything! The song is White Horse by Taylor Swift.
Author's Note: Heard this song on the radio as I was getting ready for bed. Damn the plot bunnies that refuse to let me sleep!
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Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown
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Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known
"You're a better person than I am." She began without preamble.
Lloyd glanced at Sheena, who sat beside him on the balcony of Dirk's house. (For some reason, he can't call it his house anymore. Perhaps it's because he's seen the world outside of the one that he'd known for fourteen years.) "What are you talking about?"
Sheena kicked her legs gently, eyes on the forest. She loved this house. It's peaceful here in a way that she hadn't found anywhere else. It was quiet, but not silent; away, but not isolated. "You forgave him."
Lloyd doesn't need her to clarify who 'him' was. "He did what he did to help us."
Sheena snorted softly, but didn't correct him. Lloyd, having known Zelos only for a few months, might not know any better, but she did. Not that Zelos hadn't betrayed them to get the Aionis, because he had. But she knew the reasons that he hadn't told anyone in their group. His reasons had had selfishness attached to them.
He'd hated the Chosen status since she first met him, all those years ago in a quiet corner of Meltokio in the market district. He hated it now as an adult. If anything, he only loathed it more. But the face of Seles Wilder also came to mind. It's a face Sheena has seen often, in the photos that Zelos keeps in his mansion and the creased and worn one that he keeps in his left pocket.
He'd done this as much for her as much as for himself. And she'd fallen for it.
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
She saw him often in Meltokio when she went for her ambassador duties. At first, there are so many celebratory dinners, so many dull speeches to sit through and fancy dresses to struggle into. The first time she saw him, a pale-blonde haired girl on his arm (And yes, Sheena did mean girl. She hardly looked sixteen), she hadn't been bothered. After all, a date was expected from him, wasn't it?
It's the second and third times that began to bother her. He's no longer the Chosen. That title doesn't even exist anymore. But still, he brings gorgeous women as dates and he seems to almost genuinely like them (She says almost because there is a certain hardness in his eyes that Sheena knows well and she also knows that he won't let these court girls get to him).
Sheena is well-aware of her looks. She's curvy—sometimes to the point of being bothersome and annoying to herself—and she knows she's not the prettiest crayon in the box, but she knows that she is rather good-looking, if she did say so herself.
But these women, dressed in pearls and gowns, are elegant in a way that she can't ever be. And usually, it would never bother her because Sheena would rather have her fighting skills over pearls and a gown any day. But the stray thoughts and observations crept into her head and she's suddenly feeling as awkward and so damn young as when she first stepped into this world when she was twelve.
"…Hey."
Sheena glanced up, surprised to hear the still familiar voice. Zelos looked as handsome as ever, dressed in the finery of Meltokio's elite, but he still looked off. Perhaps because months of traveling with him had Sheena very used to seeing him in simpler clothing.
"What're you doing here?" No venom in her voice because she wasn't really in the mood to deal with this tonight.
"As in here at the party or why am I here in a meaning of life kind of way?" It's an automatic defense of Zelos; clever words that twist and confuse. But it's subtly different than his usual defense because this is Sheena and things between Zelos-and-Sheena have always been tilted two degrees to the left.
"You're at this party for the same reason I am: because you're expected to be." Sheena wasn't sure when she began living up to people's expectations and it isn't quite the dream that she'd imagined when she was a clumsy child. "As for the meaning of life one, I'm out of ideas."
There was a time when that would have made Zelos quirk a smile and he would've started one of those ridiculous arguments between friends that just grow and grow to the point where laughter is unable to be held in.
But they weren't like that anymore.
Baby I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
They're circling each other now. Not quite looking, not quite speaking, not quite seeing the other from across the room, but they're attuned enough to each other so that they can't not notice the other.
It's because of this constant circling that she doesn't hear the news right away. She hears it secondhand (and that hurts because, once upon a time, he would have told her first, would have shaken her awake in the middle of the night and sat cross-legged on her bed, smiling eagerly in the moonlight sneaking in through the gaps in the blinds).
"Who is this girl?" Sheena asks Lloyd over lunch when he comes to see her. Mizuho is still getting squared away after moving to the new location near the Tree, but the semblance of a village, her village, is there.
Lloyd shrugs. "I only met her once. She seemed nice enough. Most of what I've heard is gossip though."
"What's her name?"
"Aliana."
"No last name?"
"You know how bad I am with names."
Yes, Sheena did. She's grateful that Lloyd thought to tell her at all. But the name is ringing dim bells in the back of her mind. "What's she look like?"
"She's got brown hair about…" Lloyd puts a hand to the small of his back. "This long. Green eyes." Lloyd stood and put a hand up a little higher than his shoulder. "About yea high."
The description does little for the dim bells. Aliana might have been one of hundreds of nobles that Sheena had been introduced to over the years, one of many whose faces had faded into the crowd. That was where she and Zelos differed. Zelos never forgot a face.
Aliana would be graceful, Sheena imagines. And elegant, who remembered her manners and was soft-spoken. She probably even had a dimple that she hid when she smiled and could dance too.
Lloyd studies her, but looks away. "You loved him, didn't you?"
Sheena is grateful that she doesn't have to meet his eyes. Lloyd was far too intuitive sometimes. "…I thought I did."
My mistake i didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings;
Now I know
Sometimes, she thinks that she really could forgive him. That this was Zelos and of course she could forgive him. They were best friends.
But best friends don't betray each other. Don't lie about something this big. How had he not even mentioned this?
That first terrible night after everything was said and done, (When the nightmares were fresh and new) she met his eyes across the campfire. He'd looked guilty and—almost—ashamed. And only at her and Colette did he look like that. Sheena has never been bothered by Colette and whatever strange bond she and Zelos shared. (Zelos called it a Chosen thing and Sheena has to agree because there are some things that Zelos only does for Colette, like holding doors and, once, he stuck a flower in her hair.)
They're trying to get back to what they were, but it's difficult because neither of them is really willing to acknowledge what he did and it presses on them like a weight. And sometimes, Sheena will find herself doing an automatic gesture, like reaching for a shared cup of coffee or to snatch a piece of his toast, but she stops herself before she can complete it because those sorts of little things don't belong to Zelos-and-Sheena anymore.
And Zelos had tried, in any nonverbal way, to apologize because verbalizing it would only lead to a shouting match, he knew. So Sheena isn't surprised to find a box of her favorite chocolate on her pillow one night, with a folded piece of paper on top. And on that paper, in Zelos' familiar loopy hand, was written two words.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
Zelos asks her to dance, after the worlds had been reunited. They were all staying in his mansion for the night, reluctant to separate after so long in each other's company. But Sheena can't sleep, her mind too full of memories and thoughts bouncing off one another and reflecting into a jumble of images.
Zelos had looked up from where he'd been sitting on the couch in front of the empty fireplace. The record player in the corner is playing lowly. (Sheena remembers listening to those records on long winter afternoons when it was too cold to go outside) There's a glass of wine in his right hand, and while most would accuse him of being an alcoholic or of having drunk too much already, Sheena knows that that's probably the only glass he'll have tonight. Zelos didn't like the taste of any alcohol.
The redhead tries for a weak smile. "Genis' snores keeping you awake?"
It's a running joke in their group, how such a small kid could make such loud sounds, but Zelos knows as well as Sheena does that those snores were one of the sounds that actually helped them get to sleep these days rather than preventing it.
Sheena curls up as far as she can get away from him, but still be on the couch. "Something like that. What's your excuse?"
Zelos shrugs and leans back, stretching his long legs out. "I was too awake to go to sleep."
They sit in silence for a long while, Zelos taking occasional sips of wine and Sheena simply breathing in the familiar scenery and listening to the quiet music. How many days (Months, years) had she spent here, with him? How many autumn nights, when it was chilly and the shadow of the day still lingered at the horizon, had they sat in front of the fireplace, reading or playing games of chess? How many times had they fallen asleep on the couch after long summer afternoons spent exploring Meltokio?
She isn't aware of Zelos setting his wineglass aside and rising from the couch until he's standing in front of her, perhaps a little hesitantly, and holding out a hand. "Dance with me?"
(There was a time when that wouldn't have been a question, but rather a casual request)
Sheena glances between his hand and his face and deliberates for a few heartbeats before taking his hand and letting him lead her into the small space between the couch and the fireplace. She recognizes the music—a quiet waltz that was playing the very first time she had come here.
Their dance is nothing glamorous and sometimes, Zelos will spin her out gently before bringing her back in. He doesn't try anything (She knew he wouldn't, somehow), one hand clasping hers, the other on the small of her back, a warm, light weight.
When the song ends, they still keep dancing for a little bit, reluctant to stop. When they finally do stop and Zelos bids her goodnight, Sheena is left standing in the living room, feeling like that had been some sort of goodbye.
And there you are on your knees Cause I'm not your princess
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry
This aint a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
It's nearly a year later that the subject is brought up again. The matter of Zelos' betrayal had been only between their group, something that was solely theirs because Zelos was theirs and they belonged to each other.
But Aliana has wormed her way into Zelos' life. (Sheena never asks what role Aliana plays in that life. She's sure she can guess) and, somehow, she'd found out. And then—Sheena has to give her points for having some real guts for this—she'd pulled Sheena aside one afternoon.
Lloyd had described her rather well. Her brown hair, straight down her back, was pulled back in a long ponytail with a simple, yet elegant, clip and her eyes really were green, like pale leaves. Sheena is actually a few inches taller than her, but the low heels that Aliana was wearing made them more or less the same height.
"You should really forgive him, you know." She'd said lowly.
"Excuse me?"
"Zelos. You should forgive him. He only did it to help you and his sister."
Clearly, Aliana, like so many other people, hadn't seen the darkness of Zelos' eyes when someone addressed him by his title, hadn't understood that Zelos hated being the Chosen more than anything.
"Look," Sheena begins, trying to keep a leash on her temper. She wasn't angry with this girl. Not specifically. Her anger was directed at the situation and, if she was honest with herself, with Zelos. "I'm sure you're just trying to help, but it's better that you mind your own business on this one. Trust me."
"You're being selfish by not forgiving him."
"Well, he started it." The reply is childish. The tone isn't.
Zelos finds Sheena soon after that conversation. "Look, Aliana, she's not…we're not...Dammit. Sheena, she was just…"
"Nosy? Presumptuous? Judging? All of the above? Absolutely."
Zelos opens his mouth as if to say something before shutting it, seeming to rethink whatever it was he'd been about to say. Finally, he said, "Look, Sheena, this…thing….that we've had going on since…" He doesn't say it because the words 'betrayal' haven't actually been said between them yet. Traitor, backstabber, they've all been said, but those are simply nouns. The actual act of it hadn't been said because that would make it seem so very final. "I-I don't want this to keep going. Not like this. I know we can't be…what we were," Whatever that was, exactly. "But there has to be some kind of middle ground."
Sheena crossed her arms, leaning back on the wall. "There probably is." She agreed slowly.
Zelos studied her—he still knew her all too well, knew that she chose words carefully—and asked, "Would you be willing to try for it?"
Sheena looked at Zelos, really looked at him. At first glance, he looked the same as ever, all light skin, pale blue eyes and vibrant hair, but when she looked closer, she could see the tiredness that fogged his movements, that created shadows beneath those eyes. She knew that his hands, with their long pianist fingers, had calluses on them from learning swordsmanship and there were small, white nicks on the back of his hand from when he fumbled the blade while he taught himself to roll a knife across his fingers. She knew that, on the underside of his left forearm, there was a long rough patch of skin going halfway down his arm from when he'd slipped on a rooftop when they were racing each other back Before everything.
She'd loved him, once. Perhaps she still did in some corner of her heart. Perhaps she'd never be able to stop because Zelos had been her best friend once, her confidant and accomplice in mischief and simply because it's very difficult to forget a man like Zelos Wilder, particularly when you knew him as a boy with a cheeky smile.
"I want to say yes, Zelos. Believe me."
"But you're going to say no." Zelos guessed and there's a hardness in the back of his eyes that lets Sheena know that he's hurting.
"Yeah, I am. Because I deserve better than this." Sheena imagines that someone, somewhere in the distant hazy future, will ask her if it was because she thought that he would cheat on her and Sheena would shake her head at them. No, much as Zelos was a flirt, he wasn't a cheater. But traitors…they were the one thing that Sheena couldn't forgive and perhaps it was a little hypocritical, but she couldn't change the way she felt about this. "Whatever we would have, Zelos, it wouldn't work. Not for long. And then we're both going to end up hurt again and let's just save ourselves the trouble."
The words leave a terrible taste in her mouth, like toothpaste and sour oranges.
This is a big world, Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.