Survival of the Stupidest

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokémon.

EPISODE 1: Meet the Crew!

Let's get this show on the road!

. . . . . . . . d(^-^)b . . . . . . . .

"Rhyhorn fart!"

"Snorlax drool!"

"Abra eyes!"

"Ditto-"

"WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!" Ripley stood, smacking the quarreling boy's heads together. They groaned, backing away to glare at the fuming girl.

"The hell was that for Ripley?"

"That hurt."

"Your being idiots." She stated like it was obvious, "You have two hours before you're supposed to head to Prof. Oak's and you two won't quit fighting!"

They huffed. Both were identical to each other, with red hair and green eyes. Ripley was at least a foot shorter than them, with black hair tied up into a low pony tail and violet eyes hidden under a blue baseball cap.

"Alright," She pulled out a piece a paper and handed it to the boys, "Seth, Cole, here's the address. You're supposed to be there at around seven I think, but knowing you guys you'll probably leave in the next ten minutes…"

"I bet I'll beat you there." Cole challenged his brother who gave him a blank look.

"In our pajamas?"

"Sure, why not?"

Ripley rolled her eyes before heading towards the door to their room. The entire room was split between two colors, red and green, and a bed on both sides. The twins stood up too.

"Where are you going?"

"Home. You guys called me here at five in the morning just to discuss Pokémon." She yawned with a backwards wave, "Once you get them, stop on by. We can have cake."

Cole rolled his eyes, "Idiot! We won't have time for cake! We have to beat Gary and Ash out of here!"

"Is everything a competition for you?" Ripley grumbled, "Anyway, bye."

She shut the door without any further argument. The boys stared before glaring at each other.

"Now, who's going to get the first lapras?"

"That's obvious."

"It's me."

And another tussle broke out.

. . . . . . . . \(^-^)/ . . . . . . . .

Prof. Oak could only stare at the two boys panting in front of him, hair messy and cloths in a state of disarray. It was easy to tell who was which, Cole wearing a black hoodie with green shorts and Seth wearing a white hoodie with red shorts. They also had a fair amount of bruises and feathers on them.

"Then he tripped me," Seth was pointing at Cole, "and we fell into a Pidgey nest. We got stuck."

"Then this guy," Cole pointed at Seth, "Thought it'd be smart to climb the tree."

"Well he tried to hit me with rocks!"

"You aggravated a bunch of Spearows!"

"That was your own damn fault!"

"Hey, hey, hey boys," The professor waved his hand to get their attention, "It's too early for fighting. Let's just get you your Pokémon, okay?"

The diversion worked. The twins were practically on their toes with excitement as they followed him into his lab.

"Hey, Professor, did we beat your grandson or Ketchum?"

"Hm?" He tilted his head, "Not Gary, but Ash has yet to show up."

They groaned.

"I expected the dork."

"But that meat head is never gonna let this down. Which one did he get?"

"Squirtle."Oak opened a door, revealing a room chock full of machines and in the center sat two Pokéballs. The boys shrugged indifferently.

"I didn't like turtles anyway."

"Blue isn't my favorite color."

The professor decided not to comment on the obvious lies and opened the case holding the balls. He presented them to the twins in both hands.

"The left one his Bulbasaur." He waved said hand around before lifting the other, "and the other is Charmander. Now, take your pick…and please don't kill each other over it…"

Simultaneously, they each grabbed a Pokéball. The professor was relieved over this then preceded to hand them something called the Pokédex and blab on about it but they ignored. They simply grinned before bidding goodbye to the professor who didn't notice their absence during his rant. Once the two were outside, they held up their chosen Pokéballs.

"Okay," Seth nodded, "I have Charmander."

"And I have Bulbasaur."

"What should we do now?"

"Go to Ripley's. She's probably still sleeping though."

Seth frowned, "Then, how about we name them."

"Name them?" Cole sent his brother a weird look, "Aren't they already named?"

"No."

"Oh."

"I'm going to name you…" Seth threw the Pokéball at the ground, "…Loady!"

Cole watched blankly as the orange lizard emerged, tail fire flickering brightly, and blue eyes wide with its new surroundings. It whipped around before staring at its new owner. Seth started back. Loady stared. Seth stared.

And then Loady tackled Seth.

"Gah! No loves! No loves!"

"Char!" The Pokémon cheered, smothering Seth in a hug. Cole snickered, turning away from his twins glare.

"That name, bro, needs work…"

"Okay," Seth managed to stand up with Loady still attached to his midsection, "You come up with a name."

"Watch and learn." Cole mimicked his brother, throwing the Pokéball at the ground, "Come on out, Gaia!"

"Gaia?" Seth echoed.

The plant Pokémon didn't look amused as it appeared before them. In fact, it looked pissed.

"That's an ugly face it's making there."

"I wonder if it's broken." Cole mused before being assaulted by a barrage of vine whips, "Ah! Stop it! What the hell are you doing? Stop!"

"Didn't the professor say something about these things telling Pokémon gender?" Seth held up the red Pokédex. Cole pulled his own out, ignoring his fuming Pokémon for the moment.

"I guess so. Hey, red cube thing."

"My name is Dexter. I 'am a creation of Professor-"

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm not liable if you die," Cole shook the device, "Just tell us what gender they are."

"Charmader. Also referred to as the Lizard Pokémon. Weight-19 Ibs. Height- 2'00". Male."

"Char!" Loady nodded, Seth finally detaching the Pokémon only for it to latch onto his leg. "Charmander!"

"Bulbasaur. Also known as the Seed Pokémon. Weight-15 Ibs. Height-2'04". Male."

"Uhhh."

"Bulba!" Gaia snapped, "Saur! Saur!"

"It seems your 'goddess of Earth' is actually a god." Seth snickered. Cole glared at his brother before turning secretively to his Pokémon.

"Okay, you want a new name or not?" He whispered and Gaia gave him a blank look before whacking him on the head with a vine.

"Ow! Was that a yes?"

"C'mon Cole, daylight is burning! I want to get to Viridian City before nightfall!" Seth called, limping away with his Charmander firmly attached to his leg. Cole quickly stood and scooped Gaia into his arms, ignoring the Pokémon's protests.

"I'll beat you there, Snorlax drool!"

"In your dreams, Rhyhorn fart!"

And they ran all the way there.

. . . . . . . . \(^O^)/ . . . . . . . .

"Alright mom, I'm off." Ripley called, tying her shoes then garbing her backpack. A distant call of 'good luck' reached her ears before she stepped out the door. She stretched, giving a content sigh. She still wore her baseball cap, but now she wore a red jacket with yellow cargo pants.

"It's strange. I would have thought the twins would be here right on the dot." She mused before looking down beside her, "What do you think?"

A small orange and black stripped dog barked, its large white tail flicking around. Ripley sighed at the Growlithe, "I don't know what you just said, but I'll just believe you were questioning their sanity just now."

It growled it response.

"Okay then, let's go!"

"WAIT FOR US!"

The dark hair girl groaned, turning down the path to see two identical boys sprinting after her, "You two I swear- OH MY GODS, WHAT IS THAT!?"

They zoomed past, grabbing her arms as they did and dragging her along, "LESS TALKING, MORE RUNNING!"

Ripley was still gaping over the fact that a flipping Fearow was trailing after them, squawking angrily, "What did you guys do?!"

"This guy tripped me!" Seth yelled accursedly at his brother.

"You dragged me down!"

"Then you tried to throw a rock at me!"

"And you dodged!"

"Why the hell would I let you hit me?!"

"So it wouldn't hit the Fearow!"

"YOU'RE BOTH IDIOTS!" Ripley yelled, smacking their heads together as they ran farther down the trail. They barely noticed they had passed the Route One sign till they stopped to catch their breath later.

"You guys…" Ripley panted from the ground, sprawled out, "…are going to kill someone with that bad luck of yours…"

"Hey…" Seth growled as he leaned on a tree and Cole puked behind it.

Ripley's Growlithe barked from beside her, looking like the run hadn't done anything to its stamina. It got the boys attention.

"Is that the Pokémon your dad sent you?"

"Yup." She patted its head, "His name is Sliver."

"Like…wood sliver?"

"I didn't name him, okay?" Ripley grumbled before turning to them expectantly, "Well? Show me yours now."

Enthusiastically, they threw down their Pokéballs. Both Gaia and Loady appeared, the latter quickly attaching himself to his owner. Seth groaned.

"Is he, uh, supposed to do that?" Ripley smothered her laughter. Cole wasn't trying to at all.

"No. He might have attachment issues though."

"Aw, that's sweet. What's his name?"

"Loady." Seth looked proud of that, his Charmander cheering. Cole and Ripley, however, keeled over in laughter. He frowned. "What's so funny?"

"Nu-Nothing." Cole waved off before turned to his grumpy Pokémon, "And this is Gaia!"

Ripley smirked, "A Bulbasaur, the goddess of Earth? Awesome!"

She was rewarded with a smack to the head, "Ouch! The heck-?"

"Sorry." Cole sighed, "But Gaia's male and apparently he's sensitive about that. He's also got anger management issues."

She gave him a dry look, "And you don't?"

"She has a point."

"Hey, I'm your brother!"

"So?"

"Alright, alright," Ripley waved her hands as she stood, "We can all beat each other up later. First things first, we have to get to Viridian."

"Empty handed?" Cole raised an eyebrow.

She snorted, "Yeah right. We're each gonna get a Pokémon before we leave."

"We should get all of them."

"Idiot, we should get what we need then go before the loser shows up."

"So what? I heard he was still sleeping."

"From who? The meat head?"

"No, but I'm looking at one."

"Why you-"

"Don't make me smack you!" Ripley threatened, raising her hand. The twins inched away, still sending heated glares at one another. The girl sighed.

"It's best not to split up, just in case. If we do, who knows what trouble you two will bring separately."

Cole placed a hand on his chest, looking wounded, "You mock our mad skills?"

Seth mirrored his action, "Our awesomeness?"

She gave them a blank look, "If your 'awesomeness' includes getting chased by Fearow's- Yeah."

Both boys sighed before the group continued to walk down the trail, their Pokémon at their side. The tree's stood tall around them, casting morning shadows as the sun continued its slow climb upwards.

"Should we keep them like this?" Seth gestured to their Pokémon who walked in front of them. Cole furrowed his eyebrows while Ripley hummed in thought.

"They seem to enjoy it, so I don't see why not." She concluded. They watched as Loady tried to bite one of Gaia's vines, who was trying to use it to hit the fire lizard without getting bit. Sliver walked on beside them, ears flicking to the noises around him.

"By the way," Ripley pointed to the boys backpacks, "Do you have everything I asked for?"

"Yup." Seth hefted his backpack higher up his shoulder, "All the camping stuff and whatnot. You said this could last us a few week between us, right?"

"If we ration, probably a month."

"Sweet." Cole murmured. "A whole month in the wild with nothing but Pokémon. That's the life."

"Until you get chased by a Fearow."

"WILL YOU DROP THAT ALREADY?!"

. . . . . . . . \(=-=)/ . . . . . . . .

They crouched behind the log, watching their adversary keenly without blinking. Their target remained oblivious, sitting on a rock and basking in the sun.

Cole's eyebrow twitched, "Are we going to stare at it for hours or are we gonna capture it?"

"Shhhhh." Ripley hissed, shoving his face away. Seth rolled his eyes.

"It's a Weedil, you idiot. It has poison sting, remember?"

"I know that, you two are just pansying over a little attack."

Ripley sent him an incredulous look, "Aren't you the least bit worried for you Pokémon?"

"Not really. Why?"

"Grass is weak against bug types."

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

"I knew that." Cole coughed, "Still doesn't mean I'm scared."

"Then why are you hiding your Pokéball behind your back?" Seth asked, smirking alongside Ripley. Cole's face reddened.

"It's because I don't want a Beedrill! I want a Caterpie so I can get a Butterfree!"

"That sounds manly."

Seth laughed before turning to Loady, "Wanna take this one?"

His Pokémon cheered, leaping on top of the log as he stood up. "Watch and learn, friends."

"Show off." Cole grumbled.

Seth reached to his belt, taking off a Pokéball. He glanced at his Pokémon who seemed entirely fixated on the Weedil. He nodded to himself.

"Okay then…" He pointed at the bug, "Loady! Scratch attack!"

The Charmander leapt through the air, the Weedil craning its head around at the noise. It was met head on, crashing to the ground. Loady's claws easily slashed at the bug Pokémon, knocking it down.

"Alright, Loady! It's down!" Seth called, the Charmander leaping onto the rock where the bug once was and beaming in victory. Ripley grimaced as Seth captured the Weedil.

"If I asked him to jump off a cliff, he would do it."

"We should rename him Scratchy." Cole suggested.

Seth grinned, "Great idea, Cole. The Elite Four wouldn't know what hit 'um."

The boy grimaced when he put it on his belt, "That poor guy's gonna need therapy later, though."

Ripley snickered, "Oh, now your sympathizing for it?"

"Course I 'am. He's part of the team now. Or she…anyway, after we get him patched up, we should give him a name…or her…"

"Right." She rolled her eyes, "You know, I hardly ever hear about first evolution Pokémon reaching the leagues or fighting Victory Lane."

"Is that a challenge?"

She quickly waved her hands in surrender, "Gods no, please don't do that. You're gonna kill the poor guy."

"Alright," Cole clapped his hands, "As fun as talking about this is, I still need a Caterpie and it's already lunch time."

"Yeah, yeah, chill your beans."

"Beans? Yum."

"Not for lunch you twit. I have some ramen we can cook up…"

Both boys froze as she started to walk away. She turned her head around and raised an eyebrow, "What's up?"

"Ripley…when you said we have food for a month…"

"…we didn't think you'd buy a lifetime supply of ramen…"

"Oh please. I wouldn't buy that much." She snorted, much to their relief, "But I got enough for a month."

They face planted.

. . . . . . . . \(*0*)/ . . . . . . . .

The ramen was pleasant; though the boys had a gut feeling they were going to hate it very soon. All in all, it was good. Ripley had even packed a blanket for them to sit on as they waited for the meal to cook. The twins had tried to feed their Pokémon the same thing, but Ripley had reprimanded them and given them 'actual' Pokémon food.

"It looks like dog food." Seth commented, grossed out as he watched Loady decimate the pieces given to him, smearing it all over his face. Cole looked just as disgusted. Ripley rolled her eyes.

"Give me a break. It's nutritious for them and helps their body. Eating ramen isn't."

"Quick, say that again, I'll get my camcorder." Cole snickered alongside his brother, the girl before them looking not to happy.

"Look, we should-"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

All three jumped at the shout, whipping around to see a boy sprinting out of the trees. He wore a straw hat, blue vest with brown shorts and held a bright pink ball in hand. Behind him, a Spearow continuously pecked at his hate. He was in tears.

"Help me! It's gonna eat me!"

"Should we?" Ripley muttered as they stared blankly at the boy who ran in pointless circles from the runty Spearow. It could possible even be considered a baby, yet still vicious.

Cole turned to Gaia, "Well? Could give us some practice."

His Bulbasaur nodded, waddling forward. Cole retrieved a Pokéball, grinning mischievously, "Gaia! Tackle it!"

"Wait!" Ripley whipped her head to gape at Cole, "Your gonna-"

"Saur!" Gaia leapt forward, only for the Spearow to dodge and for the Pokémon to hit the panicking boy, sending both tumbling to the ground.

"…hit the boy…" She finished, eye twitching in irritation. The Spearow crowed, swooping for another attack. Seth pinched the bridge of his nose as his brother began to panic as well.

"Did he even remember Grass is weak against Flying?"

Ripley mirrored his action, "I wouldn't doubt it…Sliver." She looked down at her Growlithe, who barked, "Let's take it out. One Ember."

He growled, leaping forward and opening his mouth. A small ball of fire launched out, managing to hit the Spearow right before it hit the downed duo. It cried out, crash landing and skidding to a stop a few feet away. Sliver sat down, tossing its head up triumphantly. Ripley patted its head as she walked to the two, Seth following.

Cole scrambled over to his Bulbasaur, picking him up, "Gaia! Are you okay?"

"Saur!" he received a vine whip to the head and a heated glare, even if there was a goose bump growing on his head.

"Yeah. I guess I deserved that."

"Hey. The Spearow's gone now…" Seth nudged the cowering boy with his foot, making the kid flinch. Slowly, he looked up, eyes drowning and cheeks stained with tears.

"It's go-gone?"

"Yup." Ripley pointed to the steaming Pokémon who was being poked by Loady. The boy stared at it for a few moments before he started to bawl, throwing his arms over Ripley, "HEY!"

"TH-THANK YOUUUU!"

"You're getting slobber all over me! Quit it!"

"Well, I guess that's enough excitement for now." Seth sighed as his brother captured the downed Spearow, "Hey, I wouldn't suggest battling with that thing. It's just a baby."

"So?" Cole scoffed, putting the Pokéball on his belt, "When it evolves, it'll be strong."

"You're so simple minded…"

"Okay, okay! I get it!" Ripley roughly shoved the boy away as he wiped his tears on the pink ball.

"N-no, I want to thank you guys!"

"You already did." The twins pointed out blandly. He shook his head, holding out the ball.

"I want you guys to have this!"

"Uh…" Ripley.

"A ball…" Seth.

"A pink ball…" Cole.

"Jigglypuff!" Suddenly, the ball grew arms and legs as two bright blue orbs opened. The three teens jumped back, holding up their arms.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?"

"DEAR GODS, KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

"THE WORLD IS ENDING!"

"This is my Jigglypuff!" The boy continued, ignoring their mental breakdowns, "I just recently caught him and I already have two other Pokémon, so as a token of my appreciation, I'll let you have him!" He extended it forward with a cheeky grin. The Pokémon squealed, waving its stubby arms around in excitement.

Now knowing exactly what it was, the twins crowded him with wide eyes, "We'll take him!"

Ripley roughly punched their ribs, making both collapse, "Hold it!"

"Huh? You want it too Ripley?" Seth blinked, wincing. His brother groaned from beside him. She rolled her eyes.

"I can do without a pink singing Pokémon, but the last thing we need is you two beating each other up over this little guy. For now, I'll keep him."

A collective 'aw' came from the boys, while the little one just snickered, "You guys are funny! Did you come from Pallet?"

"Yeah."

"So, you're heading to Viridian, right?"

Ripley nodded, the boys picking themselves up from her punches. The boy frowned, "I wouldn't go there if I was you. The gym leader there is missing and a lot of the mart's are empty. It's better just to go to Pewter instead."

"Really?" Seth blinked and Cole growled, crossing his arms.

"Why should we believe you?"

"You just saved my life."

"Okay, okay." Ripley waved her hands, "If you keep going south you'll eventually reach Pallet. Why are you going there anyway?"

The boy pointed a thumb at himself, "I'm going to catch myself a Pidgey and evolve it so I can easily get to other routes!"

"Huh?" Cole cocked his head, "Does that mean you're fighting for the league?"

He nodded enthusiastically. The twins turned away, trying not to laugh too loudly.

"Hear that? The squirt who just got beaten by a baby wants to beat the league!"

"He's gonna get squashed!"

Ripley's eye twitched as she waved to the boy; dragging the twins away by their ears with much protest, "Anyway, hope to see you there! Be sure to take good care of your Pokémon!"

"Bye!" He waved, "Oh yeah! My names Milo! Watch out for me in the league, 'kay!"

"Bye, Milo!" They waved, continuing down the path with their Pokémon in tow. Ripley held the Jigglypuff in her arms, the pink fluff ball wiggling with enthusiasm.

"Well, that was fun." Seth smiled, crossing his arms as his brother threw his hands behind his head.

"We all got a Pokémon now! Seth has that worm, Ripley has the pink ball, and I have a runty Spearow!"

They walked a few more feet before dipping their heads in depression.

"The gym leaders are gonna kill us."

"Runty…aggression…"

"…a worm…"

"WE'RE THE WORST TEAM EVER!"

. . . . . . . . (o^-')b . . . . . . . .

Next episode…

"What do you mean we're lost!?"

"I still want my Caterpie!"

"Loady! Don't eat that! It's poisonous!"

"What's that shadow over there…?"

"Is that a…?!"

"CATERPIE!?"

"YOU IDIOT!"

Next time, on SoS!